undercoverhighschooler

[undercoverhighschooler]

I have everything I could ever want. 

Almost. 

There are things i have that i don't need. I have an iPad and i can't remember the last time I actually used it. Everything materialistic a girl could ever want, I have. So why is it so hard for me to admit that I want more than anything to be in chamber? I want to. And even now as I'm writing this I feel a pit growing in my stomach at the very omittence of that phrase. I think somethings are hard to accept because we struck out the first time. I used to get everything and be the girl that everyone wanted to be and I didn't even care I was living for me. I would do anything to have that back. I would give anything to get what I actually wanted again. And I don't mean the clothes or the electronics or the boy, but I would simply give anything to just get my happiness back no matter what the cost.

[undercoverhighschooler]

Confidence

The thing about confidence is that it is easily misconstrued. For example, people tell me all the time that I'm so confident, when I'm really truly very insecure. Those "weird" people walking down the hallway with their mismatched outfits and heels that you had in like third grade, they're confident. Confidence goes deeper than what others think. Confidence is about truly feeling great in your own skin. Accepting who you truly are, and who you're meant to be. What people don't understand about high school is similar to what they don't understand about confidence. High school is gone in the blink of an eye, you're going to turn around one day and high school will be gone forever, it doesn't last. So whatever people think about you and your confidence or you in high school, truly doesn't matter. It will end and someday you will be their boss. 

[undercoverhighschooler]

There was a time when life was easy. When the world was just a circle spinning round. When a word was just a word and it was really kinda hard to get hurt. Mem'ries were just a thing and everything thats badcould just fade away

Now its different and words are like swords. Constant uphill battle in my world. Stabbing away day after day

I wish I had something easy something right something that made me sleep easy at night. I wish for something better, than my life. I wish had it easy

Saturdays relief and Mondays are hell no turning back or I might as well fall in my tracks. Slipping through the cracks.. 

Life is hard a whirl wind, constant ferris wheel of spinning the pins. nothing comes easy nothing goes right spend my weeks waiting for saturday night 

I wish I had something easy something right something that made me sleep easy at night. I wish for something better, than my life. I wishI had it easy.

[undercoverhighschooler]

When You Stop Loving It

There are times in life when we swear that we will never stop loving things. No matter how much we love it, it irritates us, or just when it brings a smile to our faces its so easy to see we love it. But I've stopped loving it. It used to be my favorite thing. It used to bring me joy and happiness and put a smile on my face. Now I'm sad and I'm slipping farther and farther away from myself and the happy girl I've been trying to be fro so long. So does it get better? Will I start loving it again? Cause I wish that I did love it again. I wish I didn't feel this way. And for a long time I had been trying to hide it from my self. You don't hate it, it's your passion. And then I'm there and I get pulled down I loose the part of me I loved most. And I'm not that happy girl anymore. I'm sad.

[undercoverhighschooler]

When did doing the right thing, become the wrong thing?

When did doing the right thing, become the wrong thing? I swear I will never know the answer to this question. Doing the right thing consists of not cheating, figuring out the correct thing to do, and when there is confusion, asking a question to dissolve that. So I ask you , when people are all supposed to have their hair in buns, and only 1/6 people do it? Is it wrong that that 1 person asks their instructor? Because in my school thats how its taken. I go from one day feeling like I belong, feeling like I had so many friends, and feeling beloved, to feeling like shit. How did I go from being nominated for homecoming princess, to being the kid in class no one talks to? Maybe I've changed. Maybe I'm different. Maybe thats bad. But it just seems that right when I'm happy with myself, everyone hates it. So I guess thats when I start to put on a mask and hide this girl who no one likes, and force myself to fit this mold created by society around me. So I just keep telling myself, 2 years. 2 years till I never see these people again, and I am free to be whoever the hell I wanna be. Stupid small town life.

[undercoverhighschooler]

I'm SO screwedup

There seems to be something about the chill in the air on this mid-November day, where I'm snuggled up in bed in leggings and a sweat shirt that really makes me think. I'm so screwed up. Yes, that is the conclusion I have come to on this day. I'm usually the type of person who never procrastinates on stuff but lately I have been putting my homework on the backburner to my personal, social, and extracurricular life. Instead of thinking about post-classical ages of history, I'm thinking about my choreography for the musical. Instead of doing my assigned reading for english, I'm imagining what its like to have a boyfriend . Honestly It's like I have my priorities all mixed up. I just don't know what I can handle anymore. I have all these hard classes and a difficult schedule, plus extracurriculars. High school is literally a mess for me right now. So again, I feel the need to repeat the fact that I'm so screwed up. Honestly, It's crazy to think that just last year I dressed cute everyday, got nothing lower than an "A" on every test and barley ever had homework. I wish I could have that back.

[undercoverhighschooler]

Yes, I'm that kid.

I'm the kid who worries more about grades than her social life. I'm the kid who spends weekends sitting in her room watching Netflix and doing homework. And I'm the kid who has money, is grateful for it, and has a killer fashion sense (if I do say so myself). But, I don't think people realize that although I'm the kid who everyone sees as strong, responsible, and invincible, I'm truly lost. For 15 years, I've always wanted one career. I have always wanted to be a teacher but in the last couple of weeks that changed. I honestly don't know what I want anymore. I think about it and I ask myself this questions, "What do YOU want?" There's only one thing that comes to mind. Love and happiness. Yes i'm all of those things that I mentioned in the beginning but I think it's becoming very clear to me that i'm the kid who is a little lost. Who is a hopeless romantic. And the kid that is 15 years old and never had a boyfriend. Honestly there are some days when that upsets me, but then i think about it and in the end I know that there's a person somewhere out there that fits me just right and I truly believe that he's waiting for me in a big city somewhere where we will live happily ever after. But it doesn't mean that I' not lonely, cause I am. I want to experience a relationship. And the whole "first love" thing. I'm the kid that's dying for that. To bad that I'm the kid that lives in this dumb old city, in the middle of the state of dreams. I just wish that I could be that kid that knows exactly what she wants.

[undercoverhighschooler]

3-day weekends

So here it is, Sunday of a three day weekend. I know what you're thinking, "I love 3 day weekends they're the best!" And usually I would have to agree with you but not this time. At my school, teachers have a tendency to think, "Oh a day off from school better double up on homework for every single class, so that way they won't be bored." This is why it is now Sunday at almost 4 o'clock and all i have done this weekend is homework and studying. I have a test in French on 42 verbs. I had to write a Biology paper. I had to outline a chapter and finish an essay outline for history. And lets not forget english i had to read a chapter of The Great Gatsby and do basically the equivalent of a chapter outline, except there has to be artwork with it. I mean do teachers not understand that kids work loads pile up? Do they not understand that some of us have lives outside of school, and some of us don't get home from school and other activities until 8 p.m. ? I mean it's a three day weekend for God's sake! I don't care about Islam in India, or why Gatsby always through parties, or what the purpose of photosynthesis is! I just need a break sometimes. I wish that my teachers, directors, and parents saw that. 

[undercoverhighschooler]

curious

I doubt that I will even get any followers on here. But I really don't care. I have a really busy life, one that gets to crazy for me to understand. I need an escape, a way out of my constant homework and struggle with "I'm trying to be the best person I can be yet I keep falling short." issues.  SO i guess I called this undercover high schooler because I'm in high school and if you're reading this then you are reading the thought process of a 15 year old sophomore you gets compliments everyday about how beautiful she is, and how positive she is when really she comes home and just about dies from the constant pressure. In general I think I am the person that everyone sees and compliments, but there are sometimes when I look in a mirror and can't figure out who I am. So i guess I'm just trying to find myself.