understandingworld - Tumblr blog

[understandingworld]

I feel so alone.

Just last week i got broken up with and im still hurtting. Im sitting by my cousin and girlfriend and they look adorable together. I miss my man.... the way he held me. The way he kissed me. Everything.

[understandingworld]

to sit on people's laps without crushing them

to be picked up when i hug people

so i'm so skinny the doctors don't think my weight loss is good anymore

so people don't use me as a pillow

to climb trees again

to worry people

to wear tank tops without hating myself

to feel clean and in control

to be carried easily

to share clothes and actually fit in others clothes

to see my bones

to be skinny like i was when i was a kid

to actually do something right for once

[understandingworld]

why would you eat that

why did I eat that

[understandingworld]

Im Back

Hey everyone. So I'm back. Oh good lord I don't even know how to start this! So much has happened within a year. Lets start off with school. Im almost done with 11th grade!!! About 2 more weeks to go id say. Remember I am cyber schooled so. But that's been going well. Next family. Ohhhh lord that's a whole new chapter. SO. back in December my mother was really sick. in august of 2022 she had started getting really skinny and was just losing weight left and right. We couldn't get her to eat anything and overall she was just going downhill. Her cancer had gotten behind the eye socket and into the brain and we already knew she wasn't going to make it very long :/

January 3 2023 she passed away from the cancer. It was hell but we all knew it was coming. I'm doing better now I think. The waves of emotion still hit me like nothing other. But I'm sure life will get better. I've been able to hang out and talk to family I haven't seen in years and all and all my life's been okay. On Monday is my birthday and im excited but kind of meh about it. Is that normal should i feel that way about turning 17? idk. Well im glad to be back and ill update ya Inna bit!

[understandingworld]

Cuz I'm not ready, to find out you know how to forget me. Id rather hear how much you regret me and pray to God that you never meant me, than forget me. Even after all this time..... - Lewis Capaldi Forget me.

[understandingworld]

So hello people. I know its been awhile but im back again with another long update. Where do i even begin? well first i guess ill start with. ..... I saw my nephew after 9-10 years of not seeing him. I also saw my sister in law. we went to a zoo and it was a long day. It was nice seeing him of course but kind of odd. I'm not showing pictures because they want to stay privet. Next. um well schools going alright i guess. I have all As only with 3 Bs which is close to As. But where getting there. Then my h- pylori has been getting to me again. To anyone who dont know h-pylori is a stomach bug and if you eat meat, gluten, or dairy it gets worse. So i went 100% Vegan. no meat. Thats been a challenge in itself, but its kind of worked. I'm now trying to get rid of the gluten. is they going any better? nah. that ones harder than the Meat. But im sure we will get there. My mental health is getting better-ish. Im feeling just numb atm tho because about 2 weeks ago, i was sexually assaulted by a man that i was close to. Its to late to really do anything but it still comes into my mind time to time. It sucks but working on that just as much. Then for my h-piloria i go in for scoping which will say weather or not i have to change my diet completely or if i have to go back on medication. On a positive note tho i got student of the month from my school!! Im really happy about it. Hopefully that will happen again before school ends. Ive never gotten that before and im so proud of myself. Like i said where getting there slowly buy surly. Still numb tho ngl. I have meant a lot of good people though from my school. There so cool. tho most of them are seniors. which is fine. Idrc lol ill be a senior next year. which is majorly scary because that means ill be an adult. Scary.

[understandingworld]

Scared for School

So I'm going to be in 11th grade this year. I'm cyber schooled and so i have all online classes. I've been cyber school since i was in kindergarten. i have two more years till collage and my high school years so far have been hell. They say that there the best times of your life. HEAK NO. For me they have been the worst years of my life tbh. But this year i hope will be different. I think why my depression gets high is because of the seasons. Ive never been tested but im pretty sure i have seasonal depression. I know i can do good in school but overall im just scared. I don't want the depression to get in the way of my studying. I mean i am taking 2 collage courses this year and my mother is paying for them. I dont want to let her down but i mostly dont want to let my self down :( My dream is going to collage. And i dont want to let myself down.

[understandingworld]

Tired

I know its August and school hasn't started yet but if I'm being honest i am so scared for this school year. Its going to be my junior year and last year was already hell enough... I was so close to saying goodbye... Surprisingly i didn't... I don't really know why but i didn't. maybe its because I'm so fucking scared to even try to do something like that... All I can say is i need to try my best and just try to keep going. Though i have said that for years now and nothings really changed. So why should this one change? Why would this one fucking year change? Maybe because the little kid inside me is still helping me fight. Its fighting off the depression. But what she doesn't know is that the depression is never going to go away. I want it to go away but it won't and i don't know why.... The only thing that kind of numbs everything is music. Music kind of helps a little bit. But i want something to fully numb it. Like being with my friends. Ha. Like that ever going to fucking happen. There always busy with something else. Don't get me wrong. I'm proud of them for getting a job and working on them self's. But the thing is they never cheak in anymore. THE JUST DONT SEEM TO CARE ANYMORE AND IT JUST SUCKS. I just want someone to care.... I really want someone to just show that they care.

[understandingworld]

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Confused

So, I'm kind of confused on how fucking emotions work. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm wanting to die. Like why does my brain hate me? Why can't I be a normal person and have a normal fucking brain. Where I can be happy and stay happy. I mean just like today; I had an amazing day today because i went to a flea market with my aunt and uncle but i still feel so alone and i still hate being alive. Like is that normal? I'm assuming not but to be honest I don't even know. I just want someone to hold me and so i can feel safe in there arms, and i can just cry. Just let out all the emotions, Even though its going to take awhile to do that because i mean ever since i was 11 iv lived with depression. 5 years and plus some is going to take awhile to get my shit back together. I just need some help man.... Like a actual therapist and like medication. But wait that would make me crazy. That would make me look crazy anyway. right.... God just help me here.

[understandingworld]

[understandingworld]

the worst kind of pain is when you’re smiling just to stop the tears from falling

[understandingworld]

Well today sucked. Mentally I've been battling myself and now this? I mean I've already had such a fucked-up week I mean give me a break... GOD I HATE THIS PLACE.

[understandingworld]

[understandingworld]

yup

i want to GO somewhere. i need to leave for a while

[understandingworld]

Welp its been a pretty hard day today. Mom went into surgery and i had a very long day at work even though it was just 3 hours. There were parts of the day that it went fast and other parts where it went very slow. I cleaned a lot to keep my mind off mom, but it was still hard. But i think what was really hard is that my cousin came over tonight and i was a bit worried about mom and he says "you just need to stop worrying and get over it" well I'm sorry its my mother. And until Shes home I'm going to stay worried about her. Yes i know Shes in the hospital and Shes safe but she's still my mom and i still miss her. I told my cousin that i just miss her and he told me i needed to get over it because i was going to go to school someday and I'm going to be away from her way longer then just one day. That is a true point. But its also still hard. Ive been keeping a positive attitude through all of this. But it seems whenever i worried or when ever i need just a bit of help its like I'm not aloud to get it. why cant i just have a bit of reassurance from time to time? I know I'm strong and i can do this. But I'm just physically and mentally tired and no one seems to see it.....