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unheardconversations · 6 years ago

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12-3

Hey,

I’m not really sure why im here. I think that I just needed to go to somewhere where i felt like I could let it flow out. To be honest it’s not flowing that well. I started thinking about the journal that I used to keep and the letters that I used to write and it made me remember that putting your thoughts down isn’t the worst thing sometimes. Sometimes you need to lay everything out on paper and see what you really have to work with.

I’m not happy. I’ve tried to pretend that I am. I feel like I’ve tried everything under the sun to try and fill the void. But it’s not really a void. I feel so dramatic describing something like that as a ‘void’. its just what it feels like sometimes. It feels like somethings missing. I don’t think it’s a person or a thing but it’s something to think about. It keps me up at night most nights. I don’t really sleep anymore. I’m up till around 2, then I toss and turn thinking about all the things that have gone wrong. I mean they’re not really that bad, I know i’ve hurt some people in the past but I swear i wasn’t out there to. I think i just get so caught up in the things that I’m doing that I forget about what the outcomes of some of these actions may be.

I thought the money was going to make me happy. Six figures, who would have thought. Dad always told me I was going to end up in the trailer park. Guess I show’d him. We’re actually good friends now. We built a car together and he doesn’t hold anything against me for what happened in the divorce. In retrospect I probably didn’t treat him fairly. I know he did some bad things but just because you do some bad things it doesn’t always mean that you’re a bad person. Mom and I haven’t been that close lately.She’s been really busy with the new baby and she wants me to visit all the time but there’s just not enough hours in the day most days. I find it hard to talk to her sometimes as well. It’s like she’s lost touch with me. I don’t know what’s going on. I didn’t try and wedge a divide between us but it feels like there’s one there. I saw her over the weekend and we didn’t even spend any time together. She seems happy but if I had to pick favorite memory it was definitely drinking mudslides on the beach with her. really good times there.

Corinne is growing up really fast. Faster than I ever would have thought. She’s become my best friend here lately. I help her with her homework probably 3 times a week. She thinks im smart but it’s hard to believe. She broke up with her first boyfriend the other day and didn’t even bat an eye. To be honest I’m a little jealous of the ability to do that. Kendall is also slimming out a little bit. She’s getting so big but in the event of letting it all flow out, I love her but I also resent her a little bit. I moved back home so I could be close to family but I don’t see them anymore than if I had stayed at the other job.

Speaking of the other job, I miss it. I moved my whole life up here on a wim and didn’t necessarily account for all of the variables in the equation. Don’t get me wrong, the new job is great. I make more money and I’m working less hours. But i miss the travel and the long days and building the things that helped people live. All I do now is sit in meetings and answer questions for people helping them do the things they can’t figure out themselves. No one really relates to me here and it’s hard to make friends. I’ve been all over the world and have accomplished so much and now I sit behind a desk. I know it’s just a stepping stone but I feel like I can’t ever let anything go. I don’t know whats wrong with me.

I stopped taking my medicine when I moved back up here because I thought that this new job and being closer to family was going to be the answer to all of my problems. It wasn’t. And maybe I shouldn’t have quit taking it so abruptly but I really thought I could do it this time. I feel so weak for taking it. I mean everything is going right in my life and here I am taking anti-depressants. Like what kind of shitty joke is that. I have everything that I could ever want and here I am with a permanent frown on my face.

I miss shadow. I miss my dog. I wish that I could have spent more time with him before we put him down but he couldn’t even walk anymore. He was my best friend and I remember when I was younger and dad would yell at me about my grades I would just go talk to him. I know that sounds weird but I would just go sit down and talk to my dog about all the things that were troubling me.

I hate myself for ranting like this. It’s not very becoming of me. It doesn’t match the outside with the inside if that makes sense. I’m constantly putting myself down and being so cynical. It’s like there’s a little voice in the back of my head telling me I can’t do anything that I want to do. Telling me that I’m nothing, or I shouldn’t have said that or that everyone hates me. And then I go on top of that voice and get mad at myself for listening to it. But sometimes little voices are really loud.

I feel like a bad person most days. I feel like no on e would miss me if I was gone. Like the world wouldn’t skip a beat if I wasn’t here. So i start thinking “whats the big deal?”

I think about ending it a lot. I think about the things that I wouldn’t have to deal with if i just didn’t exist. Then I start to feel like a coward for all the things that I would leave behind if i did and well, there aren’t many.

When i was in bethesda I saw one of my soldiers because he had tried to kill himself. He was stuck in the psych unit. He didn’t tell anyone. He only told us that he was admitted. I happened to be up there and i spent 4 hours with him just building puzzles and talking. it was an odd thing to see. The person thinking about ending it trying to talk the person that tried off the ledge.

All of my guys went to kuwait. I try not to think about it. Even though they’re not doing anything over there. Just sitting in the desert, I feel like a coward for not going. I get out of the army in march. I’m not really sure how thats going to go. It’s been one of the only things that has kept me grounded while all of the maddness has been going on around me.

I’m out of things to talk about now. I thought this was going to make me feel better but I don’t know if it helped or made it worse. I remember writing in my journal at basic and how it always took the weight off my shoulders. If i could put it on paper then it didn’t seem so bad. Like a math problem that you can’t do in your head ya know? Now I’m just sitting here thinking about everything that I wrote above and I wonder if anyone will ever see this. I’m not really sure. But hey that’s the point of a journal right? Who cares if anyone reads it because Its your place to say whatever you want and get it off your chest. I’m just too lazy to write these days so I’ll put it here.

Maybe I should write about some good things now that I have cleared the air a little bit.

The new townhouse i’m in is great. It’s got more space than I could ever need. 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. Not really why I sprung for som much but it’s in the budget so why not? Speaking of budgets that shit really runs my life these days. Every time I think about doing something I have to consult the all mighty Excel sheet to see if it’s possible.

I finally have time to play video games again. Not sure if thats good or bad yet we’ll see. But having the spare time to do something is really nice.

I rebuilt the shitty computer that I got right afdter AIT so the computer case isn’t covered in tanks anymore. It looks more professional and I use it almost everyday. I use it to lab up the things I’m learning at work. Holy shit learning at work. I’m finally at a place where they want me to learn about things. Everywhere else has always been just learn the job and thats it. Here they actually care about me and the things that I have going on. I work from home a lot now which is really nice. I don’t even have to wear pants. AND i finally got a pair of crocs. Jesus have I been missing out on these babies. No one even told me I was missing out on the greatest footwear of all time.

I wokr on SDWAN now. I build virtual computer networksa for large companies and extend their private network out in to the cloud. I work with AWS to virtualize all of their infrastructure and make their business more efficient. It’s not as fulfilling as acutally putting the equipment like at the last job, but I guess it;s fulfilling in a way.

I don’t drive a shitty civic anymore. I drive a new civic. Upgrades people Upgrades. I’m really digging the bottom of the barrel for good stuff but it’s making me feel better so I’m going to roll with it.

Cary really isn’t that bad. I think I may have taken charleston for granted a little bit since it was such a nice city. But i was never there so it’s hard to tell if I even missed out on anything. I only drive about 15 minutes to work and thats only about three times a week.

I’m making more money than I’ve ever made in my life right now. I don’t know what to do with it most days. I feel like most charities are corrupt so I just tip really well. I left a waitress the other night $100 just because she asked me how my day was. It’s not much but it makes me feel good and I feel like they really appreciate it.

I don’t really drink anymore. I stopped after I realized it amkes me feel really bad. I may be happy for a minute but somewhere between being maniacly happy and throwing up there’s a real dark place in there and I don’t like to go to it. I may start up again but i doubt it. It’s just not worth all of the emotional torture that I have to go through. I’ll stick to being a DD.

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about getting back on my medicine. I don’t thing that it would hurt I just want to everntually stop takling it. Mainly because I’m too lazy to remember taking a pill each morning and I don’t want to have to rely on something like that to make me happy. I want to be happy on my own. I want to be strong enough to not have to take it.

I think I’m done now. I’m not going to proof read this so If it sounds like garbage I’m cool with it.

All in all it did make me feel better. I might do it again tomorrow.

Hope you have a good day

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