unogoffboi666

[unogoffboi666]

““Pray that you don’t take this wrong, my dear, but my initial observation is as follows; the criminal responsible for this decor really should be hanging from the gallows.””

— -Scallion 1 (Madame Blueberry)

[unogoffboi666]

WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SHIP

[unogoffboi666]

Cedric, how many star shaped delicacies did you get to munch this holiday season?

"Not nearly enough!" He cried dramatically, with a fake swooning motion and an invisible hand to his forehead. "I did devour what I believe was the delicious Star of Christmas, but perhaps it was just a cookie. I ate it in such a ravenous hunger I couldn't tell you if it was either for sure."

[unogoffboi666]

What did u do to the other two scallions

"Eh? 2 and 3? Oh, they're... somewhere. I don't know why, but I haven't seen them in a while, and I... honestly did nothing. Maybe it had to do with the... well, never mind. Drama. Water under the bridge. I hope they're well, though."

[unogoffboi666]

What is the worst thing that you have ever done

"Did you know that there is a thing such as Starfruit? You see, I once came across a man who tried to rob me blind in an alleyway, but when I saw him in the lamplight, why, I saw he was perfectly star-shaped! Anyway, do not worry about me, dear Anon, because despite the police calling it an 'absolutely horrific crime beyond self-defense', and 'objectively the worst thing' I had 'ever done', I survived the encounter and the trial." Cedric the 'I'll Eat Anything Star Shaped' answered the anon's regrettable ask.

[unogoffboi666]

Cedric the “I’ll Eat Anything Star Shaped”, self explanatory. (Scallion 1, Star of Christmas Verse)

[unogoffboi666]

"Mmm, delightful," Cedric said, and he smiled dreamily. "I can almost taste it. Anyway," he said snapping back to attention. "Cavis, I would like to thank you for your help. May I take you out to dinner? Lovely pub nearby, they'll cut your boiled eel into star shapes if you request it."

“These stars are nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in your eyes.” (to Cavis from Cedric the I'll Eat anything Star Shaped)

"Aha..." the playwright stepped back, concerned. "Well, I do need them to...ahem...see...."

[unogoffboi666]

"Oh, posh, I meant it entirely metaphorically," said Cedric, rolling his own eyes. "You try and sweet talk a man for information, and he thinks you're going to eat his eyes! I am offended. Truly. I merely was leading in to asking you about that real Star of Christmas. I don't suppose you know where they put it, do you?"

“These stars are nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in your eyes.” (to Cavis from Cedric the I'll Eat anything Star Shaped)

"Aha..." the playwright stepped back, concerned. "Well, I do need them to...ahem...see...."

[unogoffboi666]

The Boyz were dancing to some upbeat hip-hop inspired music as the four laughed and jammed out. "This DJ is so hot right now!" Junior said, as he was dancing.

"Word. This is so fire! Fresh beats!" Mr. Lunt added.

"Totally digging this music." Jimmy said, dancing.

"Funky!" Larry said, dancing.

Scallion 1/Uno/Cedric, if he was feeling more himself today, gave an appreciative nod of agreement. "It is very... good. Fire? I've never heard that one before. New slang? Well uh, guess I'm hanging around my dad - uh, not my dad, um... Pa Grape, too much. Anyway! This is nice. I'm glad to get out and do something new. Thanks for the invite, guys."

[unogoffboi666]

W - If I’ve done something I regret very much.

"Freezing when it happened. I should've braver and grabbed that fucking carrot by the throat when I saw her leave the car."

[unogoffboi666]

ive always headcanoned scallion 1 as a trans guy bc in the very early eps he had a high pitched voice, so he could’ve been pre/early T and his voice got deeper later on. (Even as a kid I thought he was a girl lol). I could also see scallion 2 and 3 helping with his transition thru childhood.

We love our trans eyeliner rapscallion king

oooh anon you're so smart I MISS HIS EYELINER....GIVE IT BACK TO HIM

[unogoffboi666]

Scallions

[unogoffboi666]

I Don’t Love You Like I Did Yesterday

“I knew that fucker still had my MCR sweatshirt! Well, he can go right ahead and keep the damn thing if it makes him so happy. I don’t care. Really. I’m not being dramatic. I don’t need your Romance. We were just dumb Teenagers in love - well, we were adults, actually. You act like I don’t still see The Ghost Of You and how you lost The Light Behind Your Eyes but the World is Ugly and I was Disenchanted by you Famous Last Words. You weren’t the only one in the Boy Division and you won’t be the last. You were Dead! to me but you think that Vampire Money is going to bring me back? Mama warned me about guys like you, before The Incident, anyway. Thank You for the Venom, Goliath, but This is How I Disappear and leave your House of Wolves. I had a Bulletproof Heart but you brought Party Poison to my lips. We were Demolition Lovers but I guess horoscopes are right, you can never trust a Cancer. We could’ve lived The Sharpest Lives but there were always The Foundations of Decay in our relationship. Well, Honey, This Mirror Isn’t Big Enough for the Two of Us, so Kiss the Ring, Make Room, and Look Alive, Sunshine, because this is The End.”

The Scallion wiped a tear from his eye, and whispered under his breath,

“I’m Not Okay (I Promise), because The Only Way Home Is Through You.”

Heaven Help Us because Hell Hath No Fury like a scallion scorned. The Kids From Yesterday don’t exist anymore, and reality will Kill All Your Friends in your memories. There was Zero Percent Chance he wouldn’t crack and give in to old feelings. He feared how his heart would Sing, “The Only Hope for Me Is You.”

[unogoffboi666]

Goliath the Giant Pickle was dead.

Dead tired of people always remembering him for boxing and his one role in Dave and the Giant Pickle, anyway. He did miss boxing, but he wanted more. He wanted people to know his real name, his real passion.

Goliath Gottik. Back before his boxing days he had been a prolific fanfic writer, writing for the Larry Potter and Twidusk series as a true goff with his best friend at the time, who went by the username xxxunogoffboi666xxx. People only ever seemed to care about Bring Me to Life, but nobody cared that he had written the original fic, Helena. xxxunogoffboi666xxx had blatantly ripped off his fic. Had ruined his reputation with accusations of stealing his sweatshirt (it never would’ve fit Goliath, and it was merely accidental that he had kept it for so long anyway, really. He just liked the way it always smelled faintly of onion. Nothing wrong with that.)

Things between him and… well, xxxunogoffboi666xxx, to protect his wishes to remain anonymous, hadn’t been… good, since then. Messy, complicated, like their entire relationship had been thrown in the blender and made into an animosity smoothie.

Was it all really over a sweatshirt? He had been annoyed with Obsidian Shadow Blackbird Madness Gontier, the goffik Scallion protagonist of Bring Me to Life, who thirsted over Larry Potter (known as Evil Incarnate in BMtL), and had a love rectangle with Bob Weasley (known as Ghost Pepper) and Dad Malfoy (known, for some reason, as Draco Asparagus). Goliath, upon reflection, didn’t think it was the ripoff that bothered him, but the many relationships xxxunogoffboi666xxx’s self-insert character seemed to have.

Well, xxxunogoffboi666xxx’s parents had been assassinated in a Hot Topic around that time, and recently had been adopted by an elderly grape, and it seemed to mostly be venting and therapeutic, so Goliath let it go at the time.

Things only changed when suddenly xxxunogoffboi666xxx’s claims of sweatshirt-stealing came up. Maybe he escalated things a bit, dropping xxxunogoffboy666xxx’s “less goff” name into the story, called him a “stupid fucking bastard”, and straight-up accused him of plagiarizing Helena. In his defense, xxxunogoffboy666xxx had killed off Goliath - known in the story as Oak, having had Petunia Granger (known as Demonmania) murder him - his character, and just offhandedly mentioned it. Didn’t even have the creativity to show and not fucking tell. Well, I’ll tell you, Goliath felt very angry about that.

Then, one day, xxxunogoffboi666xxx reached out to him again through a plea in one of his ANs. Well, okay, he could’ve spoken to Goliath, they literally lived in the same apartment complex, but he tried, and that mattered the most.

“AN: Goliath if ur reeding diz plz u can kep the stoopid swetshrt u can have anyting else of mine dat u want 2. u can come take anyting from my closet dat u want an i wont mind at all. i promise! u r a betr riter then me. i’m not ok (i promise) [gettit???] i luv u (in a gay wey)”

Goliath tried. Tried to write a new fanfic, collaborated with xxxunogoffboi666xxx, but… I Don’t Love You hadn’t felt right. It never felt right. Tragically, Goliath had grown out of his goffness. It was a phase, his mother was right, damn her pickled soul. xxxunogoffboi666xxx stayed goff, until being goff was less cool than being emo, and then he became emo, and eventually punk came back, and Goliath just didn’t recognize xxxunogoffboi666xxx anymore.

They moved on, made new friends, left their fanfic days behind, and watched from a distance as someone named Tobias Tomato claimed to be both of them, claimed to be none of them, claimed to have emailed the real author (though Goliath knew xxxunogoffboi666xxx had long ago lost the password to that email, and Goliath had pretended not to still have the notebook that had it written down on a page beside several favorite song lyrics written in blood-red pen ink) as they watched their silly stories grow into a beloved internet mystery.

Goliath often wondered why people always looked for xxxunogoffboi666xxx, why they quoted Bring Me to Life, why they often assumed xxxunogoffboi666xx had made it all up - including Goliath, including the sweatshirt - just to troll the internet.

They never looked for Goliath Gottik, who never loved boxing as much as he did writing and My Chemical Romance and Three Days Grace, and who never loved boxing as much as he once had loved xxxunogoffboi666xxx. They never looked for the pickle who still held on to a sweatshirt that never fit, that still smelled faintly of onion, that had eyeliner stains and colored hair dye streaks soaked into the soft, faded grey fabric. Maybe he was jealous of the attention xxxunogoffboi666xxx got. Maybe he just missed xxxunogoffboi666xxx.

Goliath was Not Okay (I Promise).

[unogoffboi666]

[unogoffboi666]

What's Pa Grape (your "not dad") been up to? we haven't heard from him in a w h i l e.

The scallion rolled his eyes, taking a bite of his matcha green tea pocky. "Mm. I'm afraid he's been on tour with his Three Days Grace cover band. I said that was idiotic because Three Days Grace already exists, so why does anyone need a cover band? Don't get me wrong... he does an ok job, but. oh. I don't know. It's just so... lame. Like, sorry, Three Day Grace Period? He's on tour with some gourd named Clarence on guitar, I believe? And I wanna say someone named... Miss A or something with her accordion - can you imagine that? An accordion! For TDG. I'm so embarrassed. Though I hear she does do drum solos sometimes. " He paused to take another bite of his pocky and chased it with Salt and Vinegar Pringles-flavored Ramune. Tears formed in his eyes, smudging his Gerard Way-inspired eyeliner further.

"Anyway. I'm afraid I don't know when he'll be back. They're going to be touring in Boston this fall. He said it was something he's been meaning to do for a while, so who knows, if things go well, that's where he'll be, I guess."

[unogoffboi666]

"Hello, Ghost Pepper. Long time... no see. I shouldn't even be reaching out to a pozer like you, but I couldn't help but notice you haven't reached out to have me in any more cool goff roles. Is this personal? Is this because I complained about the Madame Blueberry costumes not being goff enough? Or is this just because you liek Celery Duff and got all... preppy?" (From xxxunogoffboi666xxx - the ask that likely got deleted because I can only be mysterious and vague on this account which is a very goffik glitch tbh)

"Shannon, come sit in my office. Let's have a chat. And stop calling me Ghost Pepper."