upondeafears - Tumblr blog

[upondeafears]

I don't know why you made the choice to sell our love so cheaply, but I know I will pay the price. For you, my love, my biggest blessing, my biggest loss. For you my love, I will pay the price.

[upondeafears]

Reconnected. More lies. Disconnected.

Poorly written note to self. Your hand feels like it's on fire but you wrote this because it matters. Do not ignore it. Do not forget the pain and how bad it was.

She chose to keep following the guy. Yo he must be a creator "my guy" and she chose that bum instead of you. She chose the circle. She never once cared about you over them. This has always been the case.

In the end she admitted that private chats happened between them. The fact she lied about that in the first place is insane. She hid 25 guys from you. You watched as she bought time delaying things acting like she had questions or was confused, while you watched those numbers drop. From 691 to 666. The sign right there. Then she removed another to get rid of the sign. One of them guys, the first to come back that you know of. More possibly as she was replacing unfollows with her guys. The one she hid and brought back was also in the dms. She conveniently deletes chats after she has them apparently. Nobody is dumb enough to believe that. So even in the end she tried to make you a mug and lie. She deletes them to hide them. But probably still has them like Dan's, just a safety net justification to delete them later and say they were always deleted, in case one day I ask her to prove it. Her plots are deep. She can't say it's the past don't question it. She can't say God is on her side on this.

She never earned trust and never respected you with truth. Remember that.

The last day we ever spoke, all she had to say was I choose you, not them. They can go. I want to keep you.

But be honest, with a chance that you might not live too long in a worst case, and the lifestyle might not be the same in a bad case, it's a decision she made for herself. She went with the bum instead. So you better get better because we are not letting these bums slide with this one. They will have to answer to you soon. We will have a chat. It won't be friendly. But it will put things in their place in real life. And never ever trust that liar again. No matter how much you love her to bits, no matter how much even right now you want to call her. So badly you were about to delete this and call her. Why? She chooses lies. She chooses other men. She is probably gonna be talking to them again tomorrow. You fucking idiot. Don't believe the bs about how you addressed the lies and the words you chose were so bad. She fucking lied. Over and over. Nothing was true. The final proof was today. Her choices and decisions to keep that guy ove you, she knew the risk of losing you. Even when you told her that's the decision, she didn't undollow him and say decision made. She chose him. So that final lie you were terrified of. It's real. The love was a lie. That's the moat important lie you learned of today. The love can be nothing but a lie, or she is more in love with someone else. There's no other way she made that decision. Don't you ever fucking forget. She took screenshots if your worst times and called it "content". And you took it. You fucking took that and stayed. When you proved you started the topic kindly, she denied it still. Even with proof. And that being the topic of the man she chose. And she ran when she realised the lies can't be contained. Highschool boy. Toxic. Liar. The things you are for asking questions. The liar is entitled but if you don't kneel and kiss the floor before you ask, you are the wrong one. It's not for charity. They just talk and debate mostly. It started with a lie that it was just charity. Truth is she just followed him and the others and wouldn't ever leave that. Not for you. Tiktok is her new tumblr.

She mocked your sorry like you were a bitch to say it. She mocked your pain and said man up, she mocked your exhausted body and mind thay doctors literally say they are moved by how positive and strong you are. Remarkable he said. Remarkable strength and recovery. But she told you stop feeling sorry for yourself. What else did you expect.

She is in love with love, it doesn't necessarily have to be you. Wake the fuck up and get on with your life. Recover. Get better. And live, don't just be alive. You have the means for such an amazing life. Fucking live! She did alll of this, in your lowest time or your life. God literally showed you over and over. You actually stayed so long she killed it off herself because you didn't have the sense to stay away despite the proof. Fuck love. Hers is fake and yours is delusional and covered by her lies, deceit and pure selfish betrayal.

Get better. Promise me you'll get better. You owe so much to the little boy you once were. You were always robbed of something. Do it for him now. There's no elders left that believe in you or fill those voids. You have to be him now. "Man up".

[upondeafears]

"Imagine you were in a room with me. You love me so much. I'm right there. In front of you. You can reach out to me. Hold me. Do whatever you want with me. I love you right back. The magic is there. But on the walls, there are notes and pictures. Reminders of lies I told you. Thoughts of other lies you do not know of but have had hints and reasons to wonder. Some are false, you know that. But you were led to believe some were false before too and they were true in the end. Some horrible lies. You try to tear them down. Those fucking pictures and reminders. You hate them fucking images. You can reach them all. You hurt yourself trying to remove them. To me you look crazy. I can't see them. You scratching against the walls. Your anger. Your fury. It looks so scary. You want to burn the room to get rid of them. But we are in that room. Your lover is there. What's wrong with you why can't you just kiss him and be soft? Why are you angry and letting go of him? Are you crazy? Do you hate him? The images you see, he isn't doing them right now. But you see it. Other girls, other love maybe? You hurt when you see it. But how fucking trapped are you? How do you escape the room, if that place is the ONLY place that you can find the one you love?"

[upondeafears]

A scheduled post:

When I'm gone

And I fly to my final abode

I will pass every heaven

And I will love you in all seven

Each one, more than the last

- The old me

[upondeafears]

A scheduled post:

He won't love you like me. Never ever. But that's ok if he doesn't hurt you like me too.

[upondeafears]

A scheduled post:

Eid Mubarak my love. I hope you have/had am amazing Eid. I hope your Ramadan was good. I hope your day was filled with joy and happiness.

— The old me

[upondeafears]

I guess I'll wait another lifetime

Meet me in another lifetime

I guess I'll wait another lifetime

Cause there I will stay my darling

I swear I won't run from you

[upondeafears]

Note to self: It ended without even the effort for a respectful goodbye. You never did get answers. She never did set the truth straight for you to heal. That's how she left. After you log out, months or years down the line when you start thinking too much again and wondering if you should log on one more time, remember that. Not even a proper goodbye. Moved on in no time and valued the new plan enough to not risk messing it up. Don't imagine what it would be like if your relationship was worth that much preparation, protection, and carefulness. It wasn't. Because it wasn't true love, and that dream wasn't real.

Note to younger self: You woke up. I'm just sorry you woke up to find out that even your dreams were nightmares.

[upondeafears]

And when your smile came to me

As warm and as bright as the sun

Beautiful it may have been

In the dance of a cool breeze

I am not a fool

I know, no man can hold the sun

But even a fool can dream and love

So I tried anyway

My hands burned

I had to let go

I know, no man can hold the sun

Yet I tried anyway

At least I have these scars

On my palms

So when I sleep

The darkness makes sense

My heart is not alone now

I can feel something dead in my hands

Not just in my heart

[upondeafears]

I will not go gentle

Into my last sleep

I will kick and shout

Without a scream

I will throw rage

At the angel of death

Knowing it is futile

But how else do I complain

Who else can I fight

This last war

Is not to try and stay

But all because I had to wait

[upondeafears]

The end.

[upondeafears]

I miss feeling like this. I miss not knowing that after saying something, nothing would change. But regardless, this song definitely makes it to the list.

[upondeafears]

"I loved you even when I knew you lied. Remember that? Remember when I said I love you and I need you to just tell me the truth so I can keep loving you? It didn't rhyme, but it echos to this day."

[upondeafears]

Love is posting their picture on your blog like a lovestruck teen. Love is waiting 2 years to just see what happens. Love is protecting them and crying for them when they are threatened. Love is waiting. Waiting is choosing. Love is choosing them, always choosing them. Love is holding on to the messages, not deleting them. Saving their memory, even if all they say is "likewise". Love is holding on to so much. For so long. Love is obsession for any resemblance of them. Love is your mind still living in their timezone.

I didn't learn what love was from how I was 'loved'. I learnt what love is definitely not, from that.

I know what love is, not from what I received, but what I witnessed.

[upondeafears]

So it ends,

Just as it began.

Out of place.

Out of time.

End of life,

This one at least.

You go back to your old ways.

I go back to mine.

— The end

[upondeafears]

I guess this was just one last look out of the window before the train departs and leaves everything behind. I never had a clear reason to post here to be honest. I guess I just had things to let out and nobody to listen to it, not about this, about us. Then I thought it would be right for you to see it. You can put your feet up and sometimes laugh and sometimes cry on your drives with him, pretending I was a curse and a punishment to massage another new ego. I will take this to my grave though. I don't know the luxury of letting it out in that way. You have your family support, your sisters really care about you. That makes me feel better. You'll have told them the right things to keep that support. I hope your mum isn't giving you a hard time (tbh I kinda hope she is too).

I'm sorry all this blog stuff was one of the weirdest things I did, but honestly, it helped me clear a lot off my mind. At first anyway, but now it just reminds me of some hard truths. It was supposed to be more beautiful words to keep love alive, even in loss. But look at this mess it became. I immediately regretted messaging you too, but glad I did. No reply was a big lesson. Imagine being the one to endure betrayal from the woman you love but somehow come out the only and most worthless bad guy just for your reaction. I'll never understand.

I guess this is a goodbye, sort of. We already did plenty of those. I promise, wallah I wish for nothing but happiness to come your way. The good parts of you deserve that. I know those are the parts you wanted to be. I know you'll be those parts for him. Maybe that's what my purpose was. Fix a little something and leave. I don't think my purpose really has much to do with me. It never has.

Goodnight angel. Forgive me for the part I played in this painful dance of two flames in a crowded forrest. The trees are ashes now, and the flames have devoured everything. Beautifully fading in the night. The calm after the treacherous storm. Goodnight love of all my lives.