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Totally Fucked Up (1993) dir. Gregg Araki

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הבל | hevel

This is how it goes: God whispers in Cain’s jealous ear, drawing his attention to the Sin crouched at his doorway. Sin has haunted eyes and a mouth that has been kissed. Let there be no doubt that Sin has been kissed, with a wet-red mouth that may taste of blood or pomegranate or the electric crackle of a stoplight. Cain looks at Sin. He runs his tongue over his teeth.

This is how it goes: Cain leaves the house at one am in bare feet and a hoodie, careful to avoid the last stair that creaks, and treks out into the Field. There are many fields in the world but there is only one Field. Cain feels the difference in the grass when he crosses the border from field to Field, the way the grey-green blades stand up at attention in his wake, the way the dirt turns ice-cold and furious beneath his heels. The earth is good with foreshadowing. The tree of Knowledge has deep roots.

This is how it goes: God says, I will take you or your brother.

God says, You get to choose.

And Cain says, “When you split me and my brother in the womb, you did not divide us evenly. He got kindness, and I got longing. He got complacence, and I got ambition. I want to kill him sometimes. I think sometimes he wants to die.”

I have never made brothers before, God explains. That is how I thought they were made. What more do you want?

“I want to steal some of his kindness,” Cain says, and shakes his pocket knife out of his sleeve.

Back at home, Abel sits up in his bed with a start, heart racing. That was close, he thinks, that was a damn close one, and does not know why.

In the Field, the ground warms as blood seeps into the dirt. 

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i feel like such a loser for relying on fiction so much to cope. i watched people already move on from their anime, manga, and manhwa phases from the pandemic to live their "proper" lives and actually fall in love. but i'm still here, sitting like a fool, gushing over some pixelated characters and writing some fanfictions of a ship i made my personality around. i feel like a child stuck in an adult's body. but i can't help that i only feel relief whenever i'm consuming something and letting it consume me. i just hate my real life so much; the fictional ones are just so much more interesting. i feel so alone. it is beyond saving. i cannot afford professional help and i would have lost my sanity if i were not to cope with these media.

i'm trying to get out of this but no matter how good i have it, i always revert back to endless consumption. worst is that i always end up empty too once the obsession stops.

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Queen in New York issue featured in Rock Scene magazine, 1975. Photos by Leee Black Childers.

❝ After six concerts in four days, Freddie Mercury is immobile in the sack. Each time he’s been awakened, he’s successfully managed to roll over (Beethoven) and bury deeper beneath the covers. Not so the other members of Queen. Aside from a walk or two into the neighboring walls, they’ve deliberately propped their eyes open to greet a continuous parade of journalists and well-wishers to their Plaza Hotel suite. John Deacon and Roger Taylor sprawl pleasantly on a long couch, facing a battery of microphones, while Brian May pokes his head in and out of the room with enthusiastic bewilderment. ❞

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Queen in New York issue featured in Rock Scene magazine, 1975. Photos by Leee Black Childers.

❝ After six concerts in four days, Freddie Mercury is immobile in the sack. Each time he’s been awakened, he’s successfully managed to roll over (Beethoven) and bury deeper beneath the covers. Not so the other members of Queen. Aside from a walk or two into the neighboring walls, they’ve deliberately propped their eyes open to greet a continuous parade of journalists and well-wishers to their Plaza Hotel suite. John Deacon and Roger Taylor sprawl pleasantly on a long couch, facing a battery of microphones, while Brian May pokes his head in and out of the room with enthusiastic bewilderment. ❞

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Still can't believe we got the kiss

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the ocean washed over your grave. that's in a few of your songs. what's the meaning behind it?

yeah, that’s a recurring theme on Twin Fantasy, paired with “the ocean washed open your grave”; basically it’s about being unable to keep your feelings for someone buried, they keep resurfacing long after you thought they were gone. It’s also to an allusion to my album 3, which had a sort of mini-narrative with ‘beach death’ and 'beach funeral’, also about feelings.

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For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face

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like a child who’s never done wrong / who hasn’t taken his first steps

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collage inspired by lyrics from monomania, nervous young man and a wee bit of twin fantasy

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Isn’t that what they mean when they say ‘lovers’?

quick csh art i did for class

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#254, Sceptile

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#417, Pachirisu

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Why Aechmea thinks that humans are supposed to be insane/crazy/cruel or just messed up in general?

i think this reveals a lot about him as a person. 

he has already shown to have a hard time empathizing with people, a hard time feeling and showing emotions and a hard time maintaining a positive attitude toward life and/or himself. 

while the latter is justifiable given his circumstances, the other two are concerning. 

if aechmea is to be trusted, the moon people are the last remnants of humanity: they’re souls that no one has prayed for and this is because (and this is aechmea’s explanation) they are the scum of humanity and don’t deserve prayers.

aechmea said on multiple occasions that he has done awful things for his people and to further his goals. and he is not sorry in the slightest. contrary to barbata or cicada, he never apologizes to phos or the other gems for what he did to them. he never shows remorse.

now, we know he was the one to drive phos to insanity, so why would he apologize to the person he just saw as a pawn this whole time? if he had any regrets, he wouldn’t have done this to begin with. still

i’m not sure if aechmea is a narcissist, a sociopath or just a shitty person in general but even from the way he interacts with cairn, it seems to me that he only sees people as objects to further his goals. everyone is a pawn, he cannot empathize with anyone, he doesn’t feel remorse for his actions, he believes the end justifies the means and that life is about eating or being eaten.

the fact aechmea believes that vengeance is the most human of emotions is very telling. 

you can make a case that he is such a shitty person because he experienced his words first hand. maybe he was betrayed and sought vengeance for that betrayal. maybe he is still seeking vengeance and this could be why he sees himself in phos.

still, there is one other thing i find interesting about this chapter: cairn’s role.

there is no denying that, at the beginning, cairn was just aechmea’s new shiny toy. but now there is true affection between the two of them. it’s still creepy and toxic, but it’s affection nonetheless. and i believe this is the one thing aechmea didn’t plan.

cairn is a wild card. i’ve said it before and i’ll keep saying it. aechmea didn’t plan to ‘fall in love’ or to find someone who’d listen to him and dote on him, someone to pamper and parade around, someone to care for and to confide in. and yet he did. and cairn is the only person around which we’ve seen aechmea lose his temper and show emotion

cairn doesn’t seem all too interested in aechmea’s plan and this is exactly why aechmea is revealing all this stuff to him. because he’s not afraid that cairn will betray him. 

cairn is being exposed to even more lore than sensei and phos. they know a great deal of things that aechmea deemed so crucial that he never revealed them to anyone until, like a typical villain caught monologuing, he starts bragging about his brilliant accomplishments. 

this has been a trend for a while now. cairn has incidentally become aechmea’s confident, even when aechmea has probably never looked for one. and i believe aechmea is enjoying this new thing: he has an audience. someone that can appreciate just how smart he is. life is suddenly interesting again

i’m not sure if cairn will ever end up betraying aechmea, but this new position of theirs certainly puts them in a place of power. they have agency over aechmea and access to his secrets, which is more than anyone else, even barbata, can say for themselves. at least insofar as we know

cairngorm still doesn’t care for phos or for the earth gems but, i believe, this is where aechmea’s failure might come from in the future: from whatever cairn decides to do.

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I love how all the pebbles represent the creativity Kongo actively discouraged—they sing and dance; they tell stories; they process emotions. Kongo fostered a culture devoid of emotion, evident in his dismissal of Phos' crying as a flaw. Phos was always seen as a burden to the other gems because they put so much value onto things. This is why Phosphophyllite is now finally valued in the new society.

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An HnK Analysis Masterpost

(almost) all of my analysis sorted by topic, character etc.

very short asks or speculations were not included, bold is for my best meta. constantly updated with new posts

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