v3ntysheep

[v3ntysheep]

it's so wild when your parent changes when you become an adult. my dad is very cordial and non confrontational - he regularly helps me with adult stuff like changing the oil or providing insurance tips. he's always smiling when i call him on video and providing jokes when i complain about college

when i was a kid, i would have to tiptoe around his anger issues often, sometimes running quietly past his work table until he got his own place completely separate from our family, locked away for days. every so often he would start screaming in the car and trying to hit me or my brother for talking too loud while my mom attempted to calm him down as he swerved on the road. and now he, smiling, helps me with car insurance.

like oh, this is just who you are when you have power over someone, and this is who you are when you dont have power over someone. no wonder you can have a normal life, friends, work while scaring the shit out of your kids and wife. i see it now. i see why no one would have believed me. that, i think, is one of the core fears of trauma - seeing the outside of it from the perspective of other adults that brushed you aside, and understanding. of course, that understanding gives the opposite of solace; it just gives you more grief with nowhere for it to go

[v3ntysheep]

unavoidable that you will be the villain in someone else's story. You will be painted in an unfavorable light. You will be the irredeemable one. and all of this will happen despite how nice you might usually be or how kind or how respectful or how warm. and you will just have to move on.

[v3ntysheep]

im so tired of the cycle of alcoholism. Of waiting for the next lapse, of fearing if he's going to go too far this time, of feeling so powerless to help someone I love. Of wondering if I come home to a dead body.

It's so much harder because he's not abusive. If he was hitting me or screaming or something I'd feel okay leaving. But I don't want to leave. I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with him through his darkness. Just like I wish people would do with me. I know this is a coping mechanism for broader mental health struggles. It is not all he is.

But I'm tired and afraid all the same.

[v3ntysheep]

I hate that I've alienated those close to me because holy fuck I could use a shoulder or five. I am blessed with a large social circle, but the majority of my connections aren't super deep or aren't consistent - they're people I talk to once a month, once every few months, etc.

In an attempt to keep up with everyone, I've scheduled out time to game and chat with friends and family and it's just. so fucking taxing. "hi how are you! what have you watched recently? I'm sorry to hear about your xyz. no I promise, everything's fine."

meanwhile I'm drowning under the weight of work and the instability of that, my primary partner's addiction issues and continual lapses, the sudden debt i've been put under, the fact that i'm a trans person in the world right now, and the fact that i feel like absolutely none of my friendships are deep enough that i can discuss my interpersonal connections.

i'm grumpy at myself and grumpy at people i love and grumpy at the world as a whole. i'm continually reminded that i'm the one who wants to know others, and so very very rarely the one who gets to be known. i realize that my desires of connecting to others aren't the norm, but the more that i live through life, the more fucking alienating it is to feel like i'm the ONLY one who wants this kind of connection with people.

like i said, this is a mix of hormones and having access to waaaaay too much social media yesterday but like. fuck.

it might be my upcoming period but bro. i woke up on the WRONG side of bed this morning holy shit. just grumpy and lonely today. (maybe i'll write about it later)

[v3ntysheep]

it might be my upcoming period but bro. i woke up on the WRONG side of bed this morning holy shit. just grumpy and lonely today. (maybe i'll write about it later)

[v3ntysheep]

this is gonna sound weird but sometimes I scare myself looking at trans timelines LOL. People change visually SO MUCH with hormones and changing clothes, fashion etc. I struggle enough to recognize myself in the mirror most days, the idea of looking completely different is scary.

[v3ntysheep]

When I get out of debt I want a packer and a binder. I want to be able to take my friends out to fun events and good meals without batting an eyelash. I want to give Maddox the most comfortable senior years of his life. I want to be able to visit my family for a long weekend.

I keep all of this in mind during the hard times. When I have to cut down again and again on things that I enjoy. I do it so I can be in a better place. I do it so I don't have to keep living like this. It's temporary.

[v3ntysheep]

Just caught sight of myself in a mirror and whoo boy. Let me tell you. Bad. horrible, actually.

[v3ntysheep]

Oh ok so it turns out ive been borrowing grief from the future ! it turns out ive been preparing to lose the things i love rather than basking in the light of them while they last. Maybe i should nt do that

[v3ntysheep]

one of these days I'll make a post about parts work, gender stuff, and sexuality I've been experiencing recently.

[v3ntysheep]

It's okay to have an off day. Even the therapist said that as we dig further into the trauma stuff, I should expect it. Still sucks ass.

[v3ntysheep]

Self shippers are special. There is a light in our hearts that few other people have. Even if we don’t feel secure about the real life version of ourselves, self shipping is us telling ourselves “There is something great about me. I am lovable. I deserve to be loved.” even without realizing it. It fosters positivity, self-love, and self-acceptance in places where we think it’s impossible to obtain or find.

There’s a warmth and fondness that you really can’t find in other places. It’s what I love most about this community- seeing everyone gush about who or what they love most, allowing themselves to be somewhat vulnerable and open their hearts to let others enjoy the positive energy that radiates from within the soul. And we encourage that. We indulge in that. We support that.

I think it’s beautiful and I’m glad we have it.

[v3ntysheep]

the man i love kills himself every day.

i sit with him while he drags on the last of his two pack of cigarettes. i run him to the store when the munchies kick in. i make sure he won't vomit and choke when he blacks out.

its a burden i carry alone - no one in either of our lives is either close enough to care or understanding enough to be gentle. i hesitate to even bring it up in therapy, i'm supposed to be there figuring my own shit out. not his.

he tells me in the lucid moments of the pain he carries. the desire to just not exist. that nothing, even things that he's loved, are enough to keep him here. i hold his promise in my mind, that i will never find him swinging like he found his best friend.

but every day i know i'm watching him do the same. one rock to the left, another cigarette, one rock to the right, another lapse and six bottles of vodka.

i dont know how to hold without holding up. how to be heard without hurting. how to plead with someone to feel the sun on their face and the love that i give and pray that its enough. and to know, since the very first day, that nothing is forever, and that i should steal my moments when i can. that i should memorize the feel of his skin and the deep rumble of his laugh while the world blesses me with him.

[v3ntysheep]

I've been struggling to swallow the pill that life is equal parts comfortable and painful, happy and fraught. I think it's so hard to come to terms with because my childhood was so filled with pain. What got me through the dark days was the belief that once I was an adult, I would either be in literal heaven or things would be better. That in escaping my parents and the cult, able to have agency, I could avoid the things that had caused me so much harm.

That's true in some ways and not in others. I find myself falling to the same generational coping mechanisms that I did before. I repeat the cycles my bloodline has set before me. I've struggled with toxic and abusive relationships because that is all I knew growing up. But at the same time, I have the ability to say no, to leave, to create space for myself - even if it's difficult.

Coming to terms with pain being a part of life feels like teaching my Child Part this lesson, and holding space for the anguish that she feels about it. It's rough.

[v3ntysheep]

Defo hate that I worry about seeing my ex every time I go into the town where I think he still lives. There are small businesses there that are important to me, and avoiding the entire place bc of him is stupid as hell. Just...wish I was over this shit at this point.

[v3ntysheep]

cw for exercise, gender, ED and weight talk

Just got weighed at the neurologists, and I'm officially the heaviest I've ever been at 155 pounds. I've been fighting so hard recently to embrace intuitive eating and just let my body be where it needs to be, but it's definitely triggering old ED thoughts (how dare you get this fat, your lack of discipline got you here, you should be ashamed of yourself etc).

I've been wanting to get into a different shape because of gender euphoria reasons, but exercising is so hard for me.

When I was young, I had very intense exercise induced asthma. I fought through that with inhalers my entire time I was actively doing Taekwondo. Now as an adult with health anxiety, I'm terrified that any exercise will cause me to have a heart attack, move a blood clot, or an asthma attack and literally kill me.

I hate the feeling of the weight of my body as I move. It reminds me that I'm not a dude, that I don't carry weight like a dude, and that I don't look how I imagine myself. I'll start to workout and the immediate feeling of having the body I do sends me into a Dysphoria cycle.

I feel like working out is a complete waste of time. What do you MEAN I have to spend 200 dollars a month just to stand in a space that feels unsafe to stare at a wall and do nothing but lift weights? Even the idea of working out at home feels horrible - for my downstairs neighbors and for the idea of just spending an hour or two squatting or whatever. I barely have free time as it is between work, housework, and friends, and now I'm expected to do this just to not hate myself?

I love food. I love the different tastes and textures, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's all become a coping mechanism for me. A latte to ease through the day. Fast food when days are really hard. I've become my father within the span of 2 years and it's making my fucking skin crawl.

Spite and hatred for my parents got me through my childhood. I told myself I would never be like them: fat, in debt, coping with food and impulse buys and weed and booze. I would be better. I would live better than I had as a child.

And here I am, doing the exact same shit, eating the exact same shit, justifying it to myself. "Life is hard. Capitalism is a fuck. I deserve nice things."

Ugh. Just rough.

[v3ntysheep]

at least there's one good thing i conditioned in myself when i was young: when i'm angry, I clean LOL

been pissy all day and then came home to a situation that's making me even madder. I'm doing my best to regulate and be a Good Person but holy shit every fibre of my being right now wants to lash out at absolutely everyone, even the people I care about and care about me.

I feel like maybe if I just spew all of my fucking venom it will go away, like lancing a wound. But at what cost? Lost friendships, relationships, the progress I've made as a human being?

I'm so fucking tired of everything today and I'm tired of always being the one who Does The Work.