v4mpv1xen

[v4mpv1xen]

trying to romanticize my life like anne Shirley except I live in an awful ugly town that is impossible to be happy in

[v4mpv1xen]

calmness

I'm sitting on the back porch of our farm house. I'm in my rocking chair, I have a blanket and a cup of tea. My legs are crossed and I have my book. I'm looking out onto the large farm and the big maple tree in the yard, and the green grass covered with flowers, and the bright blue sky. I can hear the birds chirping and I can hear the soft wind. I can hear people's feet shuffling around the house, and the doors they close behind them, and the soft chatter they make between each other. I can smell the earth and the wild flowers, and I can smell my grandmas cigarette that she's smoking on the front porch as the wind carries it back. I feel at peace. I feel happy. I feel calm. I feel like maybe everything will be okay, even if it's just for a little while.

[v4mpv1xen]

Just ate a cheese and mustard sandwich. Not feeling too good about my future.

[v4mpv1xen]

what I wanted to say

I wanted to say a lot of things when you came to pick up your clothes those months after we broke up. There were a lot of things I could've said but I didn't. I had it planned out in my head. I knew what I was going to say. You were going to ask how I was doing and I was going to break down. I was going to tell you exactly how I was doing. I was going to say that I wasn't doing too good. I was going to say that I've been thinking of you. How it was so funny that you were the religious one but now, every night before I go to bed and every time I sit on the shower floor, I sob and plead for God to bring you back to me. How I beg for God to hear me and listen. How I pray so hard that this was just some cruel joke punishing me for my sins. And every time I see your clothes in my room, I am reminded of how foolish it is for me to be asking that. How stupid I am to believe you will ever come back. I am reminded of how sick it is that you've moved on and you're living and you don't think of me, but I'm still here. I would tell you that I am not giving your clothes back because they are yours. I'm giving them back because I cannot stand that part of you is still in my room consuming my every thought, but you aren't. And you never will be again. That I cannot possibly even begin to move on when part of you is staring at me from the top of my dresser every day. That I feel so pathetic and stupid and embarrassed knowing you don't share even an ounce of these feelings anymore, and that you will never be in love with me again. But I didn't say that. I handed you the bag of your clothes, and you asked me how I was doing, and I said good. And I smiled and closed the door, and you walked away. Again.

[v4mpv1xen]

Dream

I have no one else to tell this so I'm telling tumblr bc who cares. Anyways, I had an actually insane dream a few nights ago that I cannot stop thinking about. Like it felt so insanely real it was crazy I have never felt a dream like that before. I was sitting in my car with the door open in the parking lot of the grocery store, and one of my coworkers walked up to my door bc ig we were at the store at the same time and he spotted me. We started chatting and it was just a normal conversation, I wasn't looking at him I was kinda looking down at my phone. Then he goes quiet and he like whispers "what the fuck" and so I look up and I'm like huh? And he points to the road and all the cars had completely stopped and people were honking and getting out of their cars and looking around and me and my coworker were just looking at each other like wtf is going on. Then all of the sound like gets kinda muffled like how it sounds when you're underwater but you can still kinda hear the sounds that are happening above water. You can like kinda hear everyone starting to panic because it's not just muffled for me, it's muffled for everyone. Like the world is muffled. Then, in a split second, it goes completely silent. There is no sound. No birds, no engines, no wind, no footsteps, no voices, absolutely nothing. There is no sound anymore. You can see everyone panicking and screaming but you can't hear anything and everyone is running around. My coworker and I are just frozen sitting at my car, because what the fuck are you supposed to do. Then slowly, all of the color fades to black and white. On top of having no sound, there's no fucking color anymore. We are just staring at each other in pure confusion and fear. After a few minutes of this soundless, colorless world, a low hum starts to sound. Kinda like the low buzzing you can hear in a hospital like from the lights. That is all you can hear. It starts growing louder and louder until it is ear piercing. Everyone is covering their ears and falling to the ground and screaming but you still can't hear that, just the buzzing. Once the buzzing reaches its loudest point, everything just goes fucking black and the buzzing stops. It's black in the way where if you close one eye and try to see out of the eye that's closed, there is nothing. And then you start falling through this nothingness. You can't see that you're falling, and you can't hear that you're falling, but you can feel it. And then I woke up, but for a few minutes I didn't know that I had woken up. I was just completely frozen in fear and didn't know what just happened. I was frozen in a way where you want to move but you physically can't I still don't understand what happened. Like did I dream the world ended???? Anyways that's all. Just wanted to tell someone.