vahac

[vahac]

its wild how things end so much quicker when you decide to speak up. i dont think ive learned anything at core value-— the basics. interest vs intimidation. how i wish things would have been different. although you helped me through one phase of my life, youve now become the next phase ill have to work through. damn surge.

[vahac]

u dont intimidate me, its interest. i find u interesting when u speak when u sing, the way u talk how u talk, ure clever and all this is so appealing to me. ur laughter quite unique

[vahac]

i love the subtle rainfalls. it was the setting for which or in which we met I was super super hesitant because it's like when you're down this path one too many times and you understand what the outcome is gonna be, but you are so pleasant with me and we talked and talked under the street light in the dark backyard surrounded by pine trees. But it was probably the best let's just say three hour to talk will always be my favorite part. 

[vahac]

its wild... at almost 6yrs to be solo for 7mo and let someone in for 3, to have to do this shit over again? im staying solo not bc of that or him but bc i had no intention and i told you so..

[vahac]

i continue to be happy. getting to know someones reactions and personality, its bliss. you make life an adventure even when its just a walk in the park. the way you speak. your laughter thats kinda goofy. ull never read this, so its okay. si antes no pensaba que el destino en realidad tuvieran manos o algo que ver, diría que estas cosas no pasan, me encantas y todas formas.

[vahac]

i know. i get it. i knew i shouldnt. picking up habits you know arent you. allowing to be lead without intention. its grimmy. i cant even be mad. im dumbfounded.

[vahac]

[vahac]

dear god

im happy. s.

[vahac]

and just like that, I’m back. I am who I am. I tried well after I shouldn’t had. And just like that i witnessed what it was like to be me. To be full of life. To sing out loud to be proud of the things I like and do the things I like. Repeatedly. I do what I want.

[vahac]

I either miss you all too much right now or this must be what it’s like when you get all nostalgic. .. it would have been six in six days but nothing will ever change that. Memory loss must be a wonderful thing.

[vahac]

[vahac]

Monday afternoon. My work schedule changed and I got to enjoy a sunny winter afternoon. Sitting outside mostly bc baileys out walking around sniffing about in the backyard. I miss you, but I can’t pinpoint the moment we noticeably grew apart. I mean I remember realizing you had started acting indifferent towards me but then I just wanna space out. Because I don’t want to think about it. Because I don’t wanna cry about it.

[vahac]

When two people become strangers, again.

[vahac]

And then there was me. Half way mark. Half way. You make changes. You make adjustments. You continue on. For an hrs drive to and from, some days are fine and then you hate the 20mph traffic. Your mind drifts off into inbound lanes of thoughts-emotions. And then it rains. Hazard lights blink twice, literally the whys? I hate this drive. The amount of distance that fills my time. 

[vahac]

i have yet to really speak on why i left, my thoughts as ive gone through the process. its not say that i need to be vocal bc lets be real at my age to be open about it, public about it, some of these toxic minds would say i was a clown. its the part of a closure that at times lingers bc after five yrs, and that was VERY BORDERLINE. i should say, i knew it was over way before i finally said i REEEEALLY HAVE HAD ENOUGH. part of me knows it sucks bc in my head space i roll back to the parts i "felt" happy/happiest, again it sucks bc its all smoke and mirrors. the more constant feelin of anxiety and stress bc "i didnt know how else to navigate my role", what more could i do, how else could i go about "doing my part" as a "female, woman, the other part" to my past relationship. do yall know how often i went out of my way or offered my time, energy, resources without being asked? bc as the other part in the relationship my actions should have AND DID PROVE, TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT I KNEW [ HOW ] TO DO MY PART??

yeah i get it, we almost always dont get closure or a clean break, even when we try to speak, but it quickly goes sideways. its exhausting. even at two month post breakup, to still think i could have done more or what if i didnt do enough; when u had a whole grown ass man still making indirect remarks about "THIS IS WHY HES SINGLE". it would have be easier and less shocking if he would have said he just never cared. instead of still trying to guilt trip me more constantly saying i didnt do my part. i truly wish someone would sit his ass down and point out his wrongs. his lack there of... i know i intimidate weak minded men and i probably bring out that type of mentality in them. the dont know how to cheer u on or celebrate ur come ups, even at the bare minimum. what am i suppose to do suppress myself and my standards? act like a damsel in distress and even when i genuinely was, for what? only to have to figure it out on my own? the events i faced durning this course really left me drained mentally and without resources, ones that i had full and well before entering this period of my life. i have nothing to show for it, and somehow he still gets to laugh about it as if i "failed" him by posting validation from other social media post that again bring out of context what the message is really met to be. you argued to win with quick low blow comebacks but never anything that really created a dialogue. BUT OKAY, live with that and all ur substitutes. i am not replaceable, and it's ok to admit that, if only to yourself.