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[vannessanguyen]

How I have been doing

It is spring semester of 2020 and I am struggling.  My perfectionism is getting the best of me at this moment.  I am absolutely loving my master of social work program and am having an even better experience doing the real-life work at my internship.  However, this experience has not been easy.  I am constantly challenged to look inward and explore myself personally and professionally.  I always joke about the fact that this is the most expensive identity crisis that I am paying USC to have.   

Additionally, a lot of my peers are graduating at the end of this semester and, while I am excited for them, I am also sad.  1) I am sad that I won't be in any more classes with the people that I started this program with and 2) I originally was supposed to also be graduating this spring.  If you have been following my academic journey, you know that I came upon some complications last year that delayed my academic path by a year - so instead of graduating in the spring of 2020 like I was supposed to, I have two more semesters and won't graduate until 2021.  This is taking a toll on my ego and perfectionism.  I feel like I am a failure for taking longer than everyone else.  I have always been high achieving and that showed when I graduated undergrad in 3 years.  I suppose life is catching up to me. 

  Regardless, I am still having a great overall experience in this program and recognize the cliche of "everything happens for a reason".  I have knowledge of myself and the world that I did not have last year in this program.  I have also formed so many new friendships with quality people who have been a strong support for me in my personal life.  From my switch from full-time to part-time, I was able to take care of my mental health and reflect on myself.  I am now able to absorb information in a way that I previously haven't been able to. 

  So yes, I am struggling.  And I am also doing great.  

[vannessanguyen]

You are one wonderful human being! 💕 Keep shining like you do!

Thank you so much! I am sorry for responding so late, I haven’t been on this blog for a while.  Posting an update soon though xoxo

[vannessanguyen]

Quitting My Dreams?

Life happens. That’s definitely something that I have grown to learn within the past month or so. Some things are in our control and others just are not. These past two weeks, I had to deal with an obstacle that was partially in my control but ultimately not at the same time. This hurdle has been a hard one for me to leap over… To be quite honest, I think I barely scraped by on my shoelaces when jumping this hurdle.  I’ve shed more tears with grad school than I’ve ever had in all the therapy sessions that I’ve ever been to, combined (and if you know me, I’ve had a ton of therapy). Grad school is nothing like what I expected.  At all.  Don’t get me wrong, the material is great and I love the people I’ve been networking with… But the experience overall has proven a complete contrast from my expectations.  The wide-eyed and eager student at the beginning of the semester has been drawn to feel so defeated and drained.  These past two weeks has caused me to seriously consider quitting my dream and “finding something easier”.   I seriously doubted my potential and worth. I didn’t think I could do it, simply because a couple of people sent me the message that I was incompetent in this field …and for a while, I believed it.

Here’s the tea: Two weeks ago, with unexpected circumstances; I abruptly ended my internship after completing 155 hours at the site (now unable to receive credit for it at school).  Furthermore, I am unable to receive a new internship placement. This change meant that I cannot enroll in any of the core classes for spring semester because I won’t have an internship to practice and apply the knowledge to. Ultimately, this detour meant that there would be a complete shift within my current career timeline. But again, life happens and sometimes that sucks. 

I now have to drop my practicum class that is 3 weeks away from ending, retake said course next Fall of 2019, then add on an extra year to my studies because I have now “fallen behind” (UGH THE TUITION AND ADDITIONAL DEBT TAUNTS ME). It is so crazy that one little change has shifted my whole career timeline for an entire year.  But what else can we do? …Life happens.  With this new change, comes a lot of reorganization. Changing career plans. Postponing personal plans. Adjusting finances. Acknowledging the mental effects of this event. 

I have spent the past two weeks feeling so defeated. Falsely telling myself “This is not for me, I am not good enough to do this”.  Oh man, let me tell you, it freaking sucks to be questioning a dream/goal that you have been working on for the past 7 years. I know the saying of “it doesn’t matter when you get there, it’s how you got there and whether you did or not”. But gosh darn it, it is so hard for me to grasp onto the reality that I am not a failure and this experience does not define my ability and competence as a future LCSW and therapist. I’m frustrated. I’m upset. I’m feeling hopeless. But ultimately, I am not letting this stop me.  This is simply my boat getting rocked by a storm.  I will continue to fight.  I will chase my dreams day in and day out no matter what comes my way.  

[vannessanguyen]

Rock the Boat

Within the first few weeks of grad school, I have already learned so much information that I never imagined I would.  However, one of the most moving things that I picked up was not from textbooks or lectures but from my fellow classmates (honestly, I am not too surprised about this fact).  

On the first day in one of my classes, we went through the typical self-introduction process.  We got into groups of 3 people and introduced ourselves.  Then, we had to each report back to the class and introduce one person from our group.  The person that I had met and shared about was a lovely young lady from Boston, who is equally as passionate about working with children and families as I am.  We took turns exchanging answers and anecdotes of our experiences within the field and what brought us to this specific program at this specific school.  Then, came one of my favorite questions.  This question and the answer I got truly changed my perspective and approach to life.  

At the time, I did not think much about this question, it just seemed like another one of your typical icebreaker questions.  However, as I continued to reflect and ruminate over both the question and the discussion had, I began to illustrate a beautiful sketch in my head of the ways that this small interaction could be a powerful guideline for my day-to-day life choices.  So now you’re probably wondering, “VANNESSA, WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?”... don’t fret, here it is!  

In response to the prompt “What is a word or phrase that is meaningful to you or describes you?”, my new friend and classmate shared that she has a sign above her bed saying “rock the boat”.  At first, I thought this was extremely charming and fun.  I did not think much of the quote when I initially heard it.  However, throughout the following week, I found myself deeply musing over and examining this phrase.  As you can probably tell, I fell in love with it and this phrase has become my new life motto. 

To me, this phrase tells us to not settle.  You have to move the water in order to move the boat.  Often times, we tend to dwell over the struggles of life but this phrase tells me that it is okay.  This phrase tells me not to be afraid to create a little ruckus (and honestly, causing a little bit of trouble here and there is one of my favorite things to do *insert slight chuckle*).  I’d also like to think that my passion and career choice has allowed me the opportunity to create said ruckus in a positive and helpful manner.  You see, as a social worker, one of my job’s goals is to disturb the norm.  Social workers are there to change things and sometimes, that means challenging the current system that is in place.  Only through this disruption of current cycles is change and improvement able to be born (i.e. interrupting the cycle of abuse through generations); another reason for loving this quote.  This phrase pushes me to embrace the challenges that I face each and every day instead of letting it intimidate and hinder my performance.  It challenges me to not get too comfortable and settle for less.  It has helped me remain focused on my goals and my purpose to continue fighting for it.

It is so interesting how just three simple words can mean so much and shift my mindset completely.  Recently, on numerous occasions, I find myself asking, “Why am I so calm? Am I getting too comfortable?”.  I do this not because I want to make things harder for myself or that I am against being a little bit comfortable, but because I don’t want to remain stagnant in my life.  I want to be challenged so that I can learn, so that I can grow, so that I can continue giving.  I realized that if I am bored with my life, it is probably because I am settling for less instead of embracing challenges and fighting for growth as a human being.  Being bored and stagnant means that I am sitting still in a boat in the middle of the ocean instead of paddling; this static nature would be a clear sign that it is time to rock the boat, move the water, and propel myself forward.  I have learned so much already in the first few weeks of my life as a graduate student and I cannot wait to see what else is in store for me to learn and absorb.  If you are in to following me on this journey through life, you better hang on tight because I am not settling any time soon!  This woman is about to ROCK. THE. BOAT. and you are in for one heck of a fulfilling ride!!!

[vannessanguyen]

[vannessanguyen]

Have faith in yourself.

(via psych-facts)

[vannessanguyen]

Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.

Eckhart Tolle (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[vannessanguyen]

Falling back

This season is one of my favorites; all of the changing colors, crispy leaves on the ground, pumpkin spice everything, etc. make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.  I love the weather that allows me to dress in cute warm sweaters and wrap scarves around my neck while finishing up my outfit with my favorite pair of stylish boots. Now that I live in Minnesota, I really get to completely enjoy the greatness of Autumn (compared to my home in California).  It is just so wonderful to be able to enjoy the chilly weather before having to bring out the winter coats and bundle up. 

Yet, despite all the wonderful things in this beautiful time of the the year, getting through the months of Fall is a huge battle for me.  So much has happened in the fall for me in the past few years that I now struggle with the past creeping up on me, come every October.  It is constant moments of random flashbacks and pans of fear that a similar event will reoccur.  So... needless to say, these past few weeks have been a major struggle; spending at least 3 days a week crying.

I will admit, I have a huge fear of relapsing. I feel like if I were to make one mistake, everything will spiral out of control. I cannot allow myself to starve for days again. I cannot cut anymore. I cannot purge anymore. I cannot think about suicide. I simply cannot.  I cannot help to let any of that self destruction come back. It feels like if I allowed myself to go backwards, all of my hard work up to now has gone to waste. My battles towards recovery would be for nothing. 

Wait. Is relapsing actually that bad? Every time I confess my relapse to someone, I usually get comforted with “relapse is a part of recovery” but I just cant help but think “if that’s true, I will always use that as an excuse for my mess ups”.  I always beat myself up.

I find this to be a really negative way to live.  Failing does not make you a failure.  After all, we learn from mistakes.  I am still working on learning to cut myself some slack but I know that one day, I will be able to love myself more than anyone else can love me. 

[vannessanguyen]

Even when the sun has set, you know it will return in the morning. With every dark night, there is a bright tomorrow waiting for you. Never give up; live to see the morning.

(via psych-facts)

[vannessanguyen]

Where is my hero?

IT’S SUCH A WONDERFUL DAY AND I’M HAPPY I GET TO WALK THIS EARTH!

I haven’t thought or felt these words in so long.  I think today, I can genuinely say that I am so glad to be alive.  A year ago today, I was in a very low depressive state. I had harmed myself.  I had attempted to kill myself.  I was essentially my own bully. It was a rough time.  It is so amazing to just look back and see how far I have come.  The world was just so dark around me and I didn’t find any joy in having the opportunity to breathe and walk on this earth.  Today, I am so thankful I am here.  Most days, I wonder how I am so blessed to be able to live in this world of possibilities.  The only answer that comes to my mind is that I am made to live wonderfully and shine brightly because that is what my creator wants!

For my Christian friends, this verse came to my mind right about now:       “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are your works, And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14 (NKJV)

This does not mean that I am fully “cured” and nothing will go wrong again.  I have to remind myself that a lot.  I tend to beat myself up for having one bad day after having so many good ones.  However, it is okay to not be okay sometimes.  Some days, I just desperately cry for someone to save me.  I wait for someone to finally notice that I am sad and come to my rescue.  The problem with that thinking is that... well... I’M A SOMEONE TOO!  As human beings, we tend to be our own worst critics; we don’t have as much confidence in our own strength as we should.  Therefore, we seek a hero; someone who will rescue us from our troubles for us.  In my opinion, though, the best person to save you is yourself.  No one knows you better than yourself.  You understand what you need and what you want.  I think that if we just put a little more confidence in ourselves, we will be able to conquer anything we face.  

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.  Let us take advantage of this awareness-advocating time of the year to make it known that you are here for both yourself and others.  I challenge you to be nicer to yourself.  To stop being the bully or critic.  To realize that you can do it.  Take the time to reflect on your day before bed.  Identify what you accomplished.  Identify what you still need to work on.  Then, set goals for you to conquer and complete when your new day starts in the morning!

[vannessanguyen]

Making Progress

Today I actually allowed myself to get out and have fun. It feels so different... it feels so good! For a few hours I was able to just let go of everything going on outside and focus on the moment. Just singing and dancing as I listen to a band play a gig at Downtown Disney was absolutely what I needed. Music has always been something that I adore and makes me feel good inside. Actually though, I spent my whole day in bed and feeling super down. I had no energy or motivation to do anything. I made myself get up and head out with a friend. So, here I am, at 7 PM finally getting out of bed to try to make my day better. Who would have thought I would have so much fun?! I usually get a weird or negative feeling when I get home but today, all I did was lay in bed and smile as I thought back on the night. It was great. I can't wait for more days like this. Things are looking good.

[vannessanguyen]

Love yourself so much that when someone treats you wrong, you recognize it

Rena (via renafromtheheart)

[vannessanguyen]

Believe in yourself and there will come a day when others will have no choice but to believe with you.

Cynthia Kersey (via psych-facts)

[vannessanguyen]

You only have so much emotional energy each day. Don’t fight battles that don’t matter.

Joel Osteen (via psych-facts)

[vannessanguyen]

Thief of Joy

I think my worst habit is comparing myself to others. Constantly telling myself that I am not good enough because so-and-so is doing so much better or so-and-so is so much prettier than I am.  Sure, I have other bad habits like staying up too late and then sleeping in until 4 PM on the weekends… Or maybe sometimes having too much candy and junk food for the sake of my health. However, the most destructive habit to my being is telling myself I am not good enough based on my comparison to another person.  I constantly find myself looking at someone else and saying to myself “Vannessa, why aren’t you as skinny as her? Why aren’t you cute like that? Why is your hair not like that? Why are you so ugly? They’re such a cute couple and you’ll never get to have that”.  On the day of my senior prom, it seemed like everyone knew how to do their own hair and make up while I didn’t.  I felt like I have failed at being a girl. I mean, who can simply fail at that? I don’t know, but I felt like I did.  I have been a huge victim of self-loathing.  I have always been picking out every “wrong” detail about myself since the very age of 6 years old.  Even on my good days, I feel bad and too “cocky” about feeling confident in myself and try to find the smallest detail to pull myself down. I always wanted to be better.  I was never good enough. Or at least in my eyes I would never be. Looking in the mirror was never about making myself look good but to pick out the next wrong detail about my body. My smile is crooked, my eyes are too small, I’m so fat, my boobs are too small, etc.  I would not walk away from the mirror until my head was buzzing with insults to myself. This was a terrible way of life but a way of life I had been used to. 

That is the most unhealthy mindset to have.  Everyone is made individually special and to be their own person.  Our society makes us feel the need to force ourselves into conforming to our environment, to fit in. We are not told enough that it is okay to be unique.  The truth is, as long as you are not a harm/threat to yourself or someone else, you can be anything or anyone you wish to be!

I know one of my biggest struggles is the question of “why can’t I be as happy as her?”.  However, I have grown to learn that there are people who tell themselves the same thing when looking at me.  Little do they know, that I have been suppressing years and years of untreated depression in me; I was falling apart and my only attempt at getting better was by forcing a fake (yet believable) smile on my face to make others think that I felt life was as dandy as it can ever get.  The truth is, we are all fighting a battle of our own and it is absolutely okay to not be okay sometimes.  However, what is not okay is to put someone else down to make you feel better.  In some environments, this can be called bullying while in other situations it can be considered abuse.  I remember having my own family tell me that if I don’t watch my weight, I will become obese and no one will love me.  I had others tell me that I would never make it to the college I want because I am not smart enough.  Regardless of what the comments were, I was always pinned against the societal idea of “perfect” to use as a figure for comparison.  Life does not always have to work in a ranking system.  Two people or more can be awesome at the same time and it is absolutely alright. I learned that it is okay to stand out sometimes.  Although probably easier said than done, it is ideal to work to accept who you are as is and only pick out the flaws to work on improving.  I have a long way to go in terms of self acceptance.  However, being aware that I need a change is already a huge leap in the right direction (i think… haha).

This is the end of another one of my "love yourself" blog posts. Take time to figure out what types of things you use to compare yourself to. Then, try to fix it! I guarantee you will be feeling a lot better once you do this. You will be able to win your happiness back.

[vannessanguyen]

Rule 1: Don’t let someone be too important in your life.

(via satiricalflow)

[vannessanguyen]

Accepting Life in the “Grey Area”

I think one of the hardest things is to remember someone can have a different opinion or belief from you and it is okay.  It does not always mean that they are wrong.  I always try my best in any situation to try to understand both sides despite the opinion that I hold.  After all, not everything has to be completely black and white; I tend to live a lot of my life in the grey area anyways.  I have noticed lately not only has it gotten harder for me to do, but that not many people try to practice this kind of thinking.  Our society would be so much better if people realized that it is okay to be in the grey areas sometimes.

Just because someone’s favorite color is green but mine is yellow does not make them wrong for liking green.  I could see why they like green.  Green is the color of nature, the grass, the tree leaves, cute frogs, etc. I understand what it is that makes them like the color green; however, I just prefer yellow because it depicts sunlight and happiness. Meanwhile, if my cousin loves the color blue that stands for the ocean and beautiful sky, he is not wrong either.  I am not wrong for liking yellow, my friend is not wrong for liking green, and my cousin is not wrong for liking blue.

Likewise, this concept can be applied to more complex things in life such as world views on adoption, sexual orientation, abortion, etc.  You can understand why the other person believes what they do without having to believe it yourself.  For example: I am currently on a journey to discover religion.  I am learning about how faith has affected the people around me.  I am learning about the bible.  I am learning about what gives these people strength.  Maybe I don’t believe in God, maybe I do.  Either way. though, i still understand and respect people who believe in God.  I don’t try to tell them that he is not real and try to get them to stop believing in God simply because I don’t believe in him.  I understand that two people can get along and not have to think the exact same way.  I enjoy learning about about what other people see that may be in my blind spot.  As long as no one is trying to impose their beliefs on me, I absolutely love it when people share their thoughts with me.  

The topic that I’m pretty sure has been on top of most huge arguments and broken friendships lately is whether or not the legalization of gay marriage was a good idea.  I personally was jumping for joy and smiling so wide when I found out about the SCOTUS ruling.  I ran around the house yelling “FINALLYYYYYY” until I took the time to look closer at my Facebook news feed. I was left in a huge stage of shock.  I did not understand why some people thought this was an abomination.  How it was something absolutely absurd.  At first, I proceeded to the “They are dumb and I am right” thinking. However, as the topic lingered in my mind, I started to remind myself that people are not going to have a strong belief in something they think is wrong.  There must be some really valid reasons as to why certain people don’t agree with the Supreme Court ruling.  I had to take the time to sit down with a few friends and discuss this topic before i felt ready to settle down and let go of being plain angry at people who didn’t believe what I did.  I just thought “people love who they want, why does it matter to you?”.  I soon came to a consensus with a friend that, well, neither side has to be right or wrong.  Each has a very valid argument. It really opened my mind to, once again, viewing some things in life as a grey area rather than just black and white.

That being said, I urge and challenge you to be a little open minded sometime this week and see how it makes you feel.  Opening my mind up and accepting other things has helped me release frustrations. I have really learned to be more understanding. Instead of trying to pull someone over to your side, try standing at the angle that they are.  You never know, maybe they are getting a better view of the ocean than you are… but you failed to realize that because you refused to leave your home.

I would love to talk more about any of this with anyone, so feel free to contact me! I am still on my journey of understanding others more. Loving people widely and broadly. 

Thanks for reading.