vaughn-ph

[vaughn-ph]

Những ngày tháng vô tâm... trôi qua như chớp mắt

Một ngày lục lọi lại tài khoản cũ Flickr, chợt nhận ra một khuôn mặt quen thuộc nhưng không nhớ nổi tên. Chỉ nhớ mang máng thằng cu này ngày xưng từng làm chung với mình ở đâu đó, cấp 3 hay Đại học không rõ, là lứa sau mình. Ôi cái trí nhớ hời hợt mặc dù đã cố gắng vắt đầu vắt óc để tìm lại 1 kỷ niệm chung với nó, nhưng không thể...

Sau một hồi lục lọi từ email, tới facebook và cả... flickr, mới tìm thấy rằng nó từng chung AIESEC. Mình có ấn tượng tốt với nó vì tính tình và gương mặt hiền lành. Bất ngờ là, từ 2018 tới giờ trên FB không có 1 thông tin gì từ cậu cả...

Một người quen đi qua cuộc đời của nhau, để lại dù chỉ 1 chút ấn tượng tốt đẹp, cũng biến mất nhanh như thế.

Phải chăng mình quá dễ bỏ lỡ những điều đáng trân trọng, đáng quý dù bé nhỏ? Phải chăng mình quá dễ chạy theo những thứ hào nhoáng nhưng không giá trị?

Phải chăng mình cũng thường xuyên nhìn nhầm người, đánh giá sai vấn đề, mà lâu nay cứ tưởng đôi mắt này là tinh tướng?

Ôi té ra cũng thế thôi, cứ nghĩ là mình khác biệt nhưng tâm hồn còn lắm nông cạn, trí tuệ cũng ngắn ngủn như vậy.

Chỉ biết nhắc nhớ với lòng mình, sống thật sâu trong từng giây phút. Để ý tới bản thân và những người xung quanh. Để ý thật sự tới cảm xúc chứ không phải những suy nghĩ vẩn vơ, mệt mỏi.

Thật và sâu. Here and now...

[vaughn-ph]

The Road less traveled: Accepting responsibility

So I haven't accepted the responsibility of many problems in my life, or wrongly blame the causes of those problems on the wrong ones. In my cases, it drove me resentful, bitter and hopeless. Here let's review my problems and their root causes, to see if I have a chance to change, at least in my attitude.

Problem 1: People are selfish, don't care about our environment and keep destroying it.

Am I a neurotic here? Trying to take over EVERYONE'S responsibility, which is unnecessarily causing havoc on my mental health?

Or the opposite, blaming others for your problem... This sounds more accurate because... Not everyone wants a healthy environment just like you. Or they don't have the awareness or the needs to live in such a clean environment. And now I call them selfish... I am the ugly one.

What I am really responsible here, is the quality of my mental health and every day's life. Am I living healthily and happily? Am I making good progress in order to contribute to a better society? How could I contribute positively and feel happy at the same time?

I have been wrong for the whole time when defining the problem and the root cause. Yes, there are problems that the world is still facing, but it's not MY problem, at least for now. Or if I want to take on that responsibility I have to make decision, that's all. Make decision and be responsible for it. No regret, no resentment. Or else, feel happy and keep improving yourself.

Problem 2: Companies are faking their social efforts just to keep making more money.

Again, do you have the responsibility to change that? Do you want to? Are you willing to take the responsibility connected with your desire to change?

If not, why am I blaming those people?

Reading the book (The road less traveled) really gives me a good chance to know myself better and know what has been blocking myself from having a healthy mental status. I've been depressed for so long. There are more to do but today, I feel a bit brighter in my heart.

-- Saigon, 30.08.2022

[vaughn-ph]

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

[vaughn-ph]

Meaningful Life Journal: Transcendence

When you want to do everything you can to protect the bigger thing you love. Did you have the overview effect?

With O-we? Through Sir David Attenborough? From your daily life walk?

Take a pause and think for a minute.

The biggest barrier is your phone and the modern technology. Try leaving it at home. Be present.

- Saigon, 20.05.2022 -

[vaughn-ph]

Meaningful life journal: Counter factual thinking for good

Pivotal moment 1: Fell in love and breaking up

If this event had not occurred, I would never know the power of love, how selfless a man can be when loving a woman. At the same time, because of the break-up, I've learnt to know that being selfless is not enough, but just the second step after self-love and self-care. After all, I should be aware and balanced in my life.

Pivotal moment 2: Switch my career into impact

Working in a big corporation didn't give me the full satisfaction in searching for life's meaning, that was why I left for more impacting jobs. But there was one thing I didn't know then, which is that money is also important and influential to your happiness. Without sufficient spending, you may feel inferior to your peers in terms of having a good life. But this leads to a question, even if you had more money, would you still compare with your richer friends? Maybe yes, maybe... So at the same time, it is important to know yourself and be satisfied with what you have. Even now. I have a lot.

Thank you, Emily Esfahani, for asking us to do this exercise. Counter-factual thinking really helps me to have a clear and holistic view of the pivotal events in the past. At the end of the day, we need to be balanced, self-aware and happy with who we are, where we live and what we have.

- Saigon, 17.05.2022 -

[vaughn-ph]

Meaningful life journal: Life map #1

I have been interested in the sustainability issue but now not as much as before. In September 2016, I traveled from Saigon to Hue on a motorbike, which opened my eyes to many beautiful places and gave me the chances to meet different people. Once when having a cafe by the beach under a mountain (eo bien) I saw kids swimming among the trash flowing in. That really hurt me and left me stunned. It is the reason why I pursue the work in environmental protection.

Now looking back, I'm not 100% sure which part of that experience strikes me. Is it the trashful beach or the innocent kids who deserve better? Maybe both, but the latter seems stronger to me at this moment.

What would I do if I don't have to take care of myself? What do I have a lot to give? I want to help people in need, again it pops up first in my head. But which group of people in need? Poor people? Physically or mentally ill? Disabled? Kids or adults? I need to figure out but so far, the work in the water company inspires me. Vulnerable people need safe water at affordable prices. I'm grateful for being given this opportunity to do different from what I normally did. Thank you, AS, for trusting and pushing me.

- Saigon, 16.05.2022 -

[vaughn-ph]

Meaningful life journal #1: Interaction audit

Interaction audit 20.04 và 19.04:

Cô Lan

Tuyền

Hiền

Romain

Anne Sophie

Francis

Chú bảo vệ the Loop

Brainstorm:

Nói cám ơn

Khen 1 hành động

Hỏi thăm ăn trưa

Nhớ tên con trai

Chạm tay lúc chào

1 lời chúc may mắn

Động viên

Saigon, 20.04.2022

[vaughn-ph]

What should drive you?

Buddhism and many philosophers tell us not to let emotions control our actions, I agree to some extent. But if so, what should?

- Saigon, 22.02.2022

[vaughn-ph]

When is a boy a man?

It is not rare when people call a man is just a big boy, hinting that in a man there're still parts of a child. And similarly, in a boy there’re parts of a grown-up, wanting to do things which are big, serious and practical.

Still, what is the moment that a boy is considered a man?

Is it when a boy finally cares about his family and feels his responsibility to keep growing it up?

Is it when he stops day-dreaming and starts being practical to make a living first?

Is it when he takes complete (or stable) control of his emotions, not letting them drift him apart or intervene his life undesirably?

Is it when he gains his drive to learn and grow, not only academically or professionally, but also personally?

Is it when his ego keeps shrinking smaller and smaller...?

…

Oh big boy, big boy... what can I do to help, even when you haven’t found your calling yet?

Living in this world is not easy I know, and it’s a daily job to find our own motivations to keep going. Sometimes it’s tough, but sometimes it’s cherishing. Don’t you forget?

Don’t you stop reading and learning, and budgeting time for your own silence. And calm.

- Hue, 2022.01.29 -

[vaughn-ph]

… And the man waking up in the middle of the night, realizes that love can make a person blind. Not always, but it can. First, love opens one’s eyes, to see the world clearer. But some men stay in that dreamy world forever. Or until there wasn’t “you” anymore.

What a night to carry on through.

- Saigon, 2022.01.13

[vaughn-ph]

“Why is life so important?”

This morning is the 6th day I’ve been positive with Covid-19. Delta variant I hope. No severe symptoms, no loss of taste and smell; only stuffy nose and sore throat, sometimes coughing.

During the last week I’ve been asked and checked in by my relatives and close friends that made me feel my life so important, the one that I once wanted to take.

I can’t stop asking why. If saving a life, especially that of a family member, is as natural as an instinct, is there any other reason that a living soul should be kept on earth? Does it really matter?

Of course if a person dies, their past will stay in others’ memories causing trauma and strong emotions for a while. But how about future? For that person if he or she lives on.

Living is never an easy thing, which I’m still struggling. I got better. Things got less sad but it still is. There are still conflicts between myself and the way the world operates, it doesn’t make sense at all when being looked as a whole, we’re pushing ourselves to our doom.

...

Maybe I should stop looking world as a whole. Too much pain I cannot bare from doing it. I cannot always empathize with poor and vulnerable people if I can’t take care of my own self, not even helping them.

Should help myself first, dude. Then I can have a better hint at why my life is important?

Or maybe it isn’t. I am not important, but myself.

- Saigon, 2021.12.26

[vaughn-ph]

‘Da powa of frensip’

Thank you for being with me.

[vaughn-ph]

Một tiếng mỗi ngày cho bản thân

Tuần rồi tôi hầu như không nghe podcast mỗi ngày nữa, có lẽ vì ngoài sách nói “Đường xưa mây trắng” thì giờ không còn kênh nào đủ thú vị đối với tôi. Tôi ngừng follow Daily Stoic vì cảm thấy sự cực đoan của anh Ryan Holiday trong việc phiên dịch ý nghĩa từ những nguồn trí tuệ cổ xưa như của Marcus Aurelius hay Seneca. Tôi không thích sự cực đoan hay việc áp đặt tư duy của mình lên những người khác. Lý do ư? Hoặc do tôi là con người trung lập - bài test 9 alignments (hoặc Moral alignment) của tôi kết quả là “Neutral Neutral”, hoặc do tôi cũng có chút cực đoan trong chính con người của mình.

Hầu hết thời gian tôi trung lập một cách lạnh lùng. Những lúc khác, tôi chợt nhận ra bản thân mình có ít định kiến cực đoan đến mức đáng sợ - có điều tôi nhận ra, có điều không. *insert sneaky Tom sticker here*

Bởi mới nói, nội tâm mình mới là thứ sâu thẳm nhất mà mỗi người chỉ mới chạm tới cái bề mặt nông cạn ở trên nếu không dành nhiều thời gian để thấu hiểu.

Tại sao lúc mê man trong cơn sốt, tôi lại mơ về mẹ và ông. Tại sao những câu chuyện trong giấc mơ lại có tình tiết sâu sắc và nhiều bất ngờ như những bộ phim nhiều plot twist nhất mà tôi từng coi. Những lúc tỉnh dậy sau cơn mơ, cứ tưởng nếu tôi viết ra những câu chuyện đó thì sẽ có những kịch bản vô cùng thú vị. Mà khả năng viết và trí nhớ của tôi thì hạn hẹp vô cùng. Nhưng bây giờ tôi không dành thời gian để tiếc nuối nữa. Tôi không muốn cứ mãi “giá như” mà hãy dành thời gian đó cho những việc trong hiện tại và tương lai.

Thật may cho tôi là những tuần bận rộn vừa qua làm cho bản thân trở nên hiệu quả và có động lực hơn. Công việc và đồng nghiệp luôn là một nguồn năng lượng nếu biết duy trì đúng cách. Điều tôi có thể làm tốt hơn là quan tâm để hiểu bản thân. Hiểu những rào cản vô hình hay những cảm xúc bất chợt mà tôi chưa lý giải nổi. Con người mà... những điều phi lý vẫn cứ diễn ra ngay bên trong mình, vậy mà trước kia cứ ngỡ tôi chỉ điều khiển bằng lý trí.

Việc từ hôm nay phải làm đó là dành 30 phút buổi sáng và 30 phút buổi tối cho bản thân.

*tạm như vậy chút sẽ viết tiếp vì giờ đi nhận tiền cứu trợ covid rồi* :))

- 2021.10.09 -

[vaughn-ph]

Yesterday is like a dream. With beautiful and cherishing memories.

But I can never go back. And despite a strong nostalgia, I shouldn’t try to...

Just as how meaningful yesterday has been to me, today will play the same role in the future. I shouldn’t look back too often or wish I could come back to the happy moments there, because it only makes me sad.

If I try my best everyday now, creating positive relationships, investing in the right people and in myself, I can be happy both at the present and in the future when looking back. It’s doubling profit!

Now I can thank my past self for trying his best and do my job now.

Tue, you got one job.

- 2021.09.24 -

[vaughn-ph]

I can be more disciplined #1

“A morning full of thoughts (but not a thoughtful one)” was accidently deleted  before I could even post it due to BSOD (blue screen of death) while stress-testing my “undervolted” CPU with Intel XTU. In it, I wrote about how much expectation I still put on the things I cannot control and that I should be more disciplined following the huge encouragement by a very special friend of mine, 9 days ago.

I feel deeply sorry and painful for those who have to bear the gaming addiction of their significant others and/or try to get their loved ones back on track. In my case, she didn’t succeed.

As video games have been a big part of my life, where I got the best childhood memories with my older brother and learnt multiple heartfelt lessons of love and friendship, the proper way for me is probably... to enjoy it in moderation.

… after an eternity of browsing internet …

There is something in my subconscious mind that I can’t stop playing. On the one hand it’s the adrenaline stimuli that keeps being the first impulse in my head that I strive for. On the other hand, it’s the hollow space in me that needs filling with something, or anything. So... any entertainment is just fine.

On the days that I can control my gaming addiction, it feels great. Probably the best thing once in a while. I feel meaningful, fresh and confident.

These days occasionally I felt regretful and useless. My time was wasted. My faith was fading. Maybe that’s why I will be more disciplined. I’ll come back on this being better and stronger.

- 2021.09.19 -

[vaughn-ph]

LOVE AFTER LOVE - Derek Walcott

“The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.”

To me it’s romantic to exchange love letters with my significant other or friends, although I never did. In the next one.

[vaughn-ph]

I can be happier #1

There were moments that I stood firmly on my feet. One of them was in the years after my graduation, working for Dow and bonding within a group of talents in Asia Pacific. They were super! Young and ambitious, we seemed to share the best memories together through the training and then our work. What made me so happy and confident was that I got good friends, a dedicated coach and a boss trusting me. Everything was perfect and the environment couldn’t be better for the professional development of any young person.

In those years I was inexperienced but confident. I was filled with the “fire” to become better in my work. I was somewhat... cold-hearted as required by the business development job and the responsibility to take care of a whole business in the country. I was taught how to not be affected negatively by the day-to-day relationships by not wasting my emotions and considering work as it is (that I don’t come to office to make friends but to get my job done and contribute to the company).

Maybe I should apply these lessons again, that I should draw a clear line between the unknown future and the things under my control, which most of the time, don’t have ‘expectations’ in its list.

Expectation kills relationships. It killed my love and will kill others if I let it grow without limit.

But expectation is also me. It’s the very act that I do unconsciously on a daily basis. I expect the girl I like to text back promptly every time we talk (as I always try to do the same). Most of the time there’s not a problem, but when it does, it hurts. Maybe, my ego also grows out of control lately, because if I’m nothing important, why should I feel hurt?

So expectations and ego are what driving me miserable (in my mind). There must be something I can do with it.

1. I can’t be cold-hearted like I used to be and there’s no need to pretend that I don’t give a shit because it looks... childish.

2. I will expect less (and eventually nothing) every time I want to help somebody. Just like the saying:

You can take a horse to the river, but whether it will drink the water is not your concern, responsibility or decision.

3. My ego, I don’t know what to do with it. I’m always a proud man, and though I don’t want to become egoic, the line between those two is blur. I will observe it more often in the next few days to see what it is and what I can do.

In order to observe well, should I meditate again? Hmm. Let’s see if I got some silent space in this shared room.

- Saigon, 2021-09-13