ventfigures - Tumblr blog

ventfigures · 3 years ago

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I'm back and still troubled

May 22, 2022

I've been looking through my list of many sideblogs. I have vented and journaled here and elsewhere but I want somewhere safe to do these things so this might be the place.

More soon, maybe. I wanted to vent but right now I don't have the spoons for it. But

I feel horrible. I've been intensely anxious and depressed for so like 10 weeks or more and these interpersonal conflicts are so painful and hard to resolve. I'm terrified of losing my adoptive sibling as a friend because their rage is so out of control it may take over for them and ragequit the friendship. This is my very closest friend.

One other close friend doesn't want to hear about any drama, so I can't talk to them about these things.

Another close friend says they'll be supportive, but I can't rely on them, they have time for me only occasionally

And that's about all my IRL friends that I would have turned to otherwise. I can write to other online friends but writing about these things will make me relive them and I don't have the spoons for all that. I just don't know what to do.

I'm planning to move to the capital city this summer and I PRAY for new close friendships, and sweethearts, there.

It feels like losing my closest friend would kill me, for real, not in a kms way but emotionally I would be dead to the world and might just give up trying to self-care and I would waste away

I might post vlogs here too

I NEED RELIEF from all the incessant stress, which has been most intense in the past few months but which have been everpresent since the early 2010s. I have so much grief and regret about relationships I've fucked up and that makes things worse. I recently reread a thread in a group of mine at FB which forced me to relive a most stressful period of my life and that also made things much worse.

Let me just say a few things that I want to tell my very best friend, who will not accept me being friends again with someone she regards as a most-hated enemy.

I have the right to live an authentic life as a trans woman.

I have the right to choose my friends.

I have the right to be true to myself, to accept my basic nature as a loving one, and it is acceptable that I tend to love well-established friends forever.

My friend has no right to bully me into giving up the friendship which I am so blessed to have reestablished

We BOTH have the right to choose our friends, which means that she has the right to reject me but...

our bond is so close and our love is so deep and the only thing that makes this stressful and painful is THEIR inability to control their rage, which takes over their rational mind.

My parents seem to be mad at me, and I can't be fully open with them. My two elder kids have disowned me. I'm not much in touch with my other child. I am trying to make a divorce happen between me and my abusive spouse.

It is a basic thing about me, a fundamental thing, that as Audrey Hepburn basically says, I have a great, overpowering need for love and an equally huge need to receive it in return.

Fuck my life. I may be moving forward in life in certain ways, but right now my incessant worry about my interpersonal relationships block me from taking care of the other necessary things I need to do.

I am fucking scared. I am so frustrated. I feel so stuck. I hate what all this is doing to me. I'm so exhausted from overthinking and overemoting, I'm not taking care of myself and it's just ruining my life. I've hardly smiled or laughed in months.

I'm wasting my time, my life, I'm scared that I'm too late in life to find fulfillment and maybe it would be better to just off myself or intentionally starve myself and just give up on trying.

I guess I had more in me to say than I thought I could get out, but there's much more to vent about. These may get repetitive but that's because my life is so repetitive.

I want to be creative, but I can't get going. I've been creatively blocked since 2018--before which I was a creative dynamo for several months. I wonder if I still can find the great work I was doing at that point.

I don't even know if I want to have people read this or not. I don't want to hurt anyone, I hate the idea of anyone being mad at me or of hurting anyone. I just don't know what to do to get out of this funk. Nothing I've been trying helps at all, not even therapy.

And soon I'll have no therapist to turn to.

So I just have this means of getting my feelings out. And it's not enough, I need to be loved and I need to love back. Reciprocity would be so good. But it seems so inaccessible.

I'm scared for myself. I'm trying hard to love myself but it's just not working. I'm trying even to feel sympathy for myself, but I fail.

I don't see any way out of all this.

I don't want to bring anybody down with my troubles; so many of my friends are dealing with their own heavy stuff and I don't want to hurt them.

It's just me and me to rely on and clearly I'm in no state of mind to help myself.

I just want all of this to end. A short, sharp shock. I'm just falling apart. It's dreadful to be me. I hate myself. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I pray for guidance and help and self-love and courage and sometimes it works, usually I can't tell if it helps or not.

I'm so scared. Just terrified, constantly, unendingly, overwhelmingly.

More soon.

#personal #venting #self-loathing

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ventfigures · 8 years ago

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I'm much too emotional, and they're all conflicting strong emotions. I can't do anything when I'm pulled in every direction.

VENTING LIES BENEATH, also dragons

. .

One of the things: I went, much against my will and coerced by my spouse, to go to a Chinese Doctor to consult and possibly get treatment for weight loss and also for the causes of gout. I adamantly insisted ahead of time that I did not want to have any acupuncture, which scares the living shit out of me and which I've had QUITE enough of for one lifetime. As you can already guess, yes I was given acupuncture, again against my will. The fuck*ng machine that was used to gather information such as weight and BMI told me that I have the body of a 74-year-old. No wonder I feel it's about time I d*ed. The 'doctor' (???) told me that I had to drop about 34 kg in about a year's time. But I don't want to be healthier physically, as long as i can basically function I don't need any premium features, I have no interest in exercise and dieting and ... look I want to stop living, what do I care about being the fittest body in the graveyard? And I've had lots of aggravating comments from various people about how my earrings, my colourful beaded bracelets, my love of purple make me seem like a "sissy," including my wife and one of my students TWICE EACH, and my wife KNOWS I AM TRANS and fuck them The psychiatrist I am now seeing, who has adjusted my meds for the better, by the way, told me something that deeply offended me. "Well, we're a Christian hospital sir, and so naturally we have never encountered a situation where someone wants to undergo any kind of physical or hormonal transition, and have no knowledge or understanding of transgender people." This is a well meaning person who did not mean to offend but that almost made me ragequit my first encounter with that person, who seems to feel that being trans is a sin, by implication, and that Christian doctors need not worry about saving a trans person's life because they have no worthy souls to save...I was stunned that he said that in the first place. Today I had several persons, with whom I had made it crystal clear with my spouse that I was NOT WILLING to eat with, make excuses For Me as to why I was wearing earrings and bracelets as I do, during the meal. "Oh, you're so FASHIONABLE!" EAT SHIT YOU JUDGMENTAL PRICK And today my iPad seems to have got the vapors or something and just sort of crashed and burned and I'm learning how to do a factory reset cos all I can get is either a black screen or the apple logo white on black and nothing else after my Gmail app died and we cannot afford a replacement, we're too poor and holy shit I don't want to get in trouble for breaking my 2nd iPad, fuck I hate being blamed for shit I'm sorry and I really needed to vent and I'm sorry and please please forgive me and still love me I am very very exhausted and weak for a 47-year-old who is 74 years of age.

#originals #text

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