venting-into-the-very-void

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Dear Carbon,

Look, self harming to feel is quite a valid and recognised trait. And we're so, so proud of you for staying clean for two whole months.

But unfortunately, even if you don't cut, it's still considered a relapse, because you're still hurting yourself.

But even if you do end up relapsing, it's ok. We're still there for you, and glad you held on for so long. Sincerely hope you won't though, in any way.

I think the reson i self harme is because i want to feel

[Tw details ig]

Idk

I jus... cut to feel. And each thing i used, each blade, always had a diferent feel

But none were the feel that satisfied fully

They did in the moment sure, but never forever

Never even past a minute

If i dont cut, if i dont slice, if i dont mutilate, i feel an urge

A growing urge

It feels lkke like maggots crawling under my skin i need to scratch and dig out, like a hunger i need to satisfy, a sight i need to see,

Thats tge urge

The need to bleed

That slight satisfaction feels amazing, but only lasts seconds

Like a drug almost

Hmm.. never really thouggt about that

Its like when you itch a bug bite, or eat somethinf you've been craving forever, or take a breath od fresh air

Bht its side affscts are terrible and addicting and you cant stop

Ive come so far though... 2 months. I cant relapse now...

But have i?

If not the same way, if not cuttjng myself, but stjll self harm, is it a relapse?

Ive genuinely wznted to bang my head against a wall so hard, but i havent. If i did, woukd that be a relapse? Just an open wuestion ig...

I dont know what can help, i know ill relapse eventua,ly... i always do

i just hope its nkt anytime soon

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Sometimes I genuinely contemplate attempting for real instead of the half-assed one couple weeks ago.

Not that I'll act on it, just needed to get this off my chest.

I care for you too much to do this. Can't hurt you. I'm sorry I thought of it.

[venting-into-the-very-void]

I hate my anger issues.

It's not like I don't want to control it, but I can't. And it's stupid. I get angry at stupid stuff. It doesn't even make sense. Why am I always angry? And why can't I control it?

I end up hurting mom. Just today I got angry at her for not understanding my vague descriptions, in front of her students. She gets hurt too, I am disrespectful to her. I caused a scene. And it's not the first time. I cause a scene in front of her students, she is hurt, they don't respect her, and I want to say sorry, but I can't.

Everyone hates this habit of mine. I try to control it, but I can't. And I hate myself because of it. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do. I've tried everything, counting, breathing. But it comes out. And it's visible.

I'm just making excuses to defend myself. But I do want to stop this anger problem.

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Currently trying to figure it out. Will let you know if I ever do

What the fuck is fun?

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Look, I know I've talked about my own considerations for neurodiversity.

But now I am genuinely considering if my mom is nd too. Like seriously, she has so many traits and habits that could either be from autism, or a personality disorder. And I'm not judging on either, in fact, I'll be glad to understand.

And I'm not even talking symptoms that stem from her clinical depression or PTSD. I mean other things too, like:

Having particular triggers (like me crying, or anyone lying)

Having a black and white view of the world, without understanding nuance

Hating certain loud sounds

Not understanding why people behave in particular ways

There's more I can't remember rn.

Like, sometimes it feels like she's masking too.

Only thing is, I can't convince her to go to therapy for anything.

So, any volunteers?

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Mom is at home today because of my health. She took a leave because she is worried and didn't sleep all night (she still won't sleep). She's worried because I took one medicine more (that's what she knows).

God I'm sorry. I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. It was impulsive. It was intentional, but a mistake. And you won't know that.

I won't be able to tell her the whole truth, I don't think I can. And I am so, so sorry.

I hope she can forgive me. I hope God will forgive me.

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Hey, I'm kinda better now. No physical side effects so far.

Thank you for being there Ellie. I like talking to you.

I guess the fever got to my head a bit too much lol

(I may or may not be regretting making this post)

Tw od(?) attempt (???)

So, mom freaked out because I had 2 strong fever medicines within a span of four hours (even though you aren't supposed to have another medicine before 6 hours), because I'm a forgetful idiot. She's relieved I vomitted the second one out.

I...don't think she's going to like the whole truth

(I actually had 3 strong dosage meds at the same time 4 hours after my first one, intentionally, and would have had more if I hadn't chickened out at the last minute and immediately regretted my decision afterwards.)

I'm sorry, I am being an attention seeking idiot. I am not actually suicidal, just wanted to do this I guess? Promise it was really spur of the moment. I know it was incredibly disrespectful to people who are actually contemplating, or have tried before. I'm really sorry.

@spilling-my-guts-to-you-guyss @venting-intothevoid @i-dont-know-one-bit @palatablepain

Just wanted to talk. I made a mistake, now I'm a little scared of falling asleep (they were all drowsy ones too)

[venting-into-the-very-void]

(I may or may not be regretting making this post)

Tw od(?) attempt (???)

So, mom freaked out because I had 2 strong fever medicines within a span of four hours (even though you aren't supposed to have another medicine before 6 hours), because I'm a forgetful idiot. She's relieved I vomitted the second one out.

I...don't think she's going to like the whole truth

(I actually had 3 strong dosage meds at the same time 4 hours after my first one, intentionally, and would have had more if I hadn't chickened out at the last minute and immediately regretted my decision afterwards.)

I'm sorry, I am being an attention seeking idiot. I am not actually suicidal, just wanted to do this I guess? Promise it was really spur of the moment. I know it was incredibly disrespectful to people who are actually contemplating, or have tried before. I'm really sorry.

@spilling-my-guts-to-you-guyss @venting-intothevoid @i-dont-know-one-bit @palatablepain

Just wanted to talk. I made a mistake, now I'm a little scared of falling asleep (they were all drowsy ones too)

[venting-into-the-very-void]

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Part 2 of realisations

So, you know how I mentioned that that person had access to therapy, and chose not to take it.

Ok, that sentence was directed mainly at mum. My aforementioned 'friend' falls into this too, though differently.

The friend just thinks she's the only victim, rest are personally attacking her. She thinks she knows more than I do (which is partially true lol, but not for the reasons she thinks). I haven't mentioned therapy to her yet, partly because she has been, but again though she has her own issues and basically a walking anxiety, she doesn't take a lot of accountability.

My mom, on the other hand. I have addressed therapy for her several times, but she'd rather 'let the maggots infect the wounds' than 'forgive' that demon of a man that is my father (he is a demon tbh), even if I did tell her she's only hurting herself. Nor does she want to forgive herself for not being there with her parents in the last moments, or come to terms with their demise. I don't blame her for the last part, even I don't want to accept it. I just want her to stop hurting. She doesn't want to.

She's hurt, and she loves me deeply. I have been the only one to love her unconditionally. This is the kind of love that consumes you. Unfortunately, it has now become more parasitic, and she won't let go. She won't heal, doesn't want to, and I will get eaten up, consumed in this love in trying to fill her wounds.

So, I have come to a decision. She will never want to heal herself, and I respect her enough to let her take that decision instead of dragging her to a decision she doesn't want.

But I will heal myself. I will fill my wounds, I will work on my demons. I have my own flaws, I hurt more than I want to, but I will work on that. I won't carry my wounds for the maggots to feed on.

Not for myself though, not now. For now, I do this so that in the future, when I find another love as deep, as consuming as this one, I want it to be healthy and symbiotic.

Maybe once I'll heal I will live for myself, for now it's to not spread my infections to those I care for.

[venting-into-the-very-void]

So, I've come to two realisations today, at the same time. They'll get two separate posts, but the conclusion is the same.

So, part one.

I have no idea how to explain this one. Because it's the quiet, lonely, asocial, nerdy me getting a reality check (quite literally).

So, most of my knowledge about other people and the outside world comes from books, movies, and shows. I never really talked to many people until like, 6th grade, even though I was quite friendly. And even now I have a close knit group.

So obviously I learned to understand morally grey and questionable characters. Characters who made less than logical decisions because of their circumstances. Their actions had consequences, but they also had justifications. Revenge, grudges, inappropriate and irrational behaviour, they had their reasons. Especially if they were main characters, we were supposed to understand them. Antagonists too, but the protagonist was the main POV (I said protagonist not hero, I've read and watched villain POVs too)

And I also learned that humans are morally grey too. Different shades of grey, some darker than others, but grey.

So, I obviously put all of this understanding to reality. I excused the toxic (and sometimes even abusive) behaviour of people under the guise of 'justifiable backstory' and 'they are good at heart'.

Unfortunately, I forgot four things:

I had made them the main character in my story, instead of letting my life be my story. I became a side character in my own life, an aid to the main character. My character wasn't as important to be analysed, I got analysed only if I was interesting enough, and it would start with my relation with the main character.

The characters I read about and watched were either mindful enough to not drag their loved ones in their darkness, or had gone off the deep end and were a cautionary tale. The one in real life dragged me with them.

Most of these characters had no other option. The real life people very much do have access to therapy and help, they don't take it.

Unfortunately for all of us, this was reality, not fiction. The rules of fiction unfortunately don't always apply in reality, no matter how reflective it is of society. Real life tragic backstories do not justify bad behaviour.

Oh, and by the way, most of these morally grey characters were children. My real life character is very much an adult.

So, I, a really shielded kid, have to learn the hard way to differentiate between reality and fiction.

And also I think I do agree with that one friend who told me I might have autism. I think I'll have to get assessed for that too (dw this wasn't the only indication, just one of them). Or maybe not.

And to that one person who's going to look at this and either say, "Finally!" or "I told you so", thank you. (You know who you are, I've troubled you with my delusions and contexts long enough)

It's not just mom, but my dad too. As well as my 'friend', who makes everything about herself in the guise of caring about me.

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Basically me and my brain right now:

Brain: Lookie here, mom gave you freedom, and you just wasted your entire day watching anime and playing stupid mobile games.

Me: Well, I did tell you we could study, brought out my notebooks, and forced you to do it.

Brain: Oh yes, 10 questions. In a whole day. Being so productive, aren't you? This is how you plan to get into medical school and become a combat medic right?

Me: Well I'm also on my period, and I did push myself. I'll do more tomorrow.

Brain: Oh yeah? Well, you could have written something today, or completed that drawing, or made art fight refs. But what did you do?

Me:.... I did try drawing, and then you got bored because you couldn't 'perfect' it.

Brain: Oh please, blame it on me. But remember, I am you, you are me.

Me: I'm just tired, ok? I might need an evaluation, and I like studying, I just get tired.

Brain: Yes Yes, you're tired, you have depression, you might have ADHD, go on. All of these are just excuses for you being lazy. And you never liked studying, you just liked getting marks and fanning your ego.

Me: I like reading, and learning, ok? And I get marks for scholarships, to make mom and grandma proud, and to never ask for money again.

Brain: You like reading? When did you last read a book? When did you last do something actually productive, something actually right? You messed up the debate, which you are oh-so-good at. You mess up marks. You mess up everything, because of your laziness, and your ego, and your self pity, and you are the reason for all this.

Me:....

Brain: Do you want to download that game you saw in that ad? This one got boring.

[venting-into-the-very-void]

I hate that my mentor rn is a psychologist.

Not because she's not good or something. In fact she's really good at her work as well as mentoring.

I just hate that I can't approach her for a psych eval (you know, to figure out what the hell is even wrong with me) even though she's the right person and the only good psychologist I know. And we aren't getting self-assessments or that stuff either.

Ugh I don't like this.

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Somebody explain this to the people at the back too

I’ve started to say “I need time to process this.”

[venting-into-the-very-void]

3 hours. I slept for 3 freaking hours.

And every single one of the people I care about is either becoming suicidal or spiralling.

What the hell is happening?????

Please guys, don't do this to yourself.

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Yk what , just because you're going to sleep rn, I'll not have a mental breakdown and instead get up to have something

See ya!

Ok, I should really get up and eat something. Because otherwise a stomach with just yogurt in it isn't going to help my cramps to get better.

But I can't push myself to get up.

So, motivation pretty please?

@carb0n-m0n0xide @venting-intothevoid @i-dont-know-one-bit (Sorry idk who all are up at the moment)

[venting-into-the-very-void]

Ok, I should really get up and eat something. Because otherwise a stomach with just yogurt in it isn't going to help my cramps to get better.

But I can't push myself to get up.

So, motivation pretty please?

@carb0n-m0n0xide @venting-intothevoid @i-dont-know-one-bit (Sorry idk who all are up at the moment)