vents-and-fans - Tumblr blog

[vents-and-fans]

I MISS YOU AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GET YOU BACK AND I DON'T KNOW IF I EVEN DESERVE TO TRY TO GET BACK IN YOUR LIFE YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I EVER CHASED AND THE THOUGHT OF LOSING YOU MAKES ME FEEL LIKE MY SOUL IS SPLITTING

[vents-and-fans]

I still feel this. When I witness these things, I weep at the sight. But when it seems like there's an opportunity to feel them myself...? To love and be loved fully, to create or really see something beautiful? It falls like a wall. I can't experience it the same. Is it self-sabotage, or something worse...?

I know there is love and beauty to be felt and seen in the world but I can't receive it

[vents-and-fans]

Almost 8 months now and we still haven't reached out. Have I lost you for losing my nerve? But you haven't said hello either. Is it gone...?

I haven't talked to you in months. Our relationship had so many problems and all I wanted was change. I changed things so much that I left you behind. I might get you back, but I can't be certain and it won't ever be the same

[vents-and-fans]

I always thought those posts that were like "brb running off to start fresh and never talk to anyone I know ever again" were really weird and not relatable but tonight I think I kinda get it

[vents-and-fans]

It is December and I am, indeed, trying to be brave.

It is time for us to end. It hurts terribly, but it feels necessary for us both.

[vents-and-fans]

Manhattan is a Lenape Word, Natalie Diaz

[vents-and-fans]

I haven't talked to you in months. Our relationship had so many problems and all I wanted was change. I changed things so much that I left you behind. I might get you back, but I can't be certain and it won't ever be the same

[vents-and-fans]

My body feels like it's falling apart! I've felt so much stress and anxiety for so long, so much of it about you. I feel more fear than pleasure from our relationship. I want to try things with you but every day I feel guilty because it feels like I do something wrong and put you off. I don't know if it's because of all this, but I can't sleep. Every time I try, it feels like my body is giving out, my heart slipping away. Even during the day, it feels like my muscles aren't obeying me all the way, my nerves not working right. My body just feels tired, fatigued too easily, blood pumping too hard, gut in pain. I'm tired of all of it!

[vents-and-fans]

All it takes is the threat of goodbye, and the reality that I hurt someone I love.

I wish it was easier for me to cry

[vents-and-fans]

It's gotten a lot easier

I wish it was easier for me to cry

[vents-and-fans]

I didn't think I'd have to leave you behind, and that it's coming, I feel like crying all the time

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Even if we never become anything, you showed me that I could be desired, more than anyone before you ever had. I'm grateful, and I won't forget.

[vents-and-fans]

What can yearning do before the force of thousands of miles?

[vents-and-fans]

Even though we enjoyed each other's company, those expectations made it all a burden. I won't let us continue, I'm cutting the ropes. I know what it feels like when someone wants to help me carry it all, and you never really did. It's better for both of us this way.

[vents-and-fans]

The vicious need to say hurtful things when relationships feel out of my control

[vents-and-fans]

I know there is love and beauty to be felt and seen in the world but I can't receive it

[vents-and-fans]

I think part of me is crying