verbaetacta

[verbaetacta]

To do without thinking

Sometime around last August, I began going to the gym before work a couple times a week. Just thinking about it seems absurd, because I’ve never been a morning person. As a teen, I was so grumpy in the mornings my family learned not to talk to me before I had had some time to wake up properly. But now I’ve somehow managed to go to the gym in the mornings, meaning I wake up around 6:30, bike to the gym, work out, get ready for work and then go straight to work, where I eat my breakfast. I haven’t been super consistent, but enough for it to feel like something of a habit.

The reason I eat breakfast after the gym and not before, even though I’m sometimes really hungry, is that if I ate breakfast at home before going, I’d find a reason to skip the gym. It’s also the reason why I go to the gym before work and not directly after or in the evening. If I give myself time to think about the whole process of going to the gym, I won’t do it. I’m a master of talking myself out of doing things. In a way, I’m utilising the fact that I’m still only half conscious when I’ve just woken up. If I can barely think I can’t think my way to a reason to skip the gym.

I feel like this is the greatest realisation I’ve come to in regard to doing things I don’t really feel like doing. It’s best to just do it without thinking. Or at least I need to get over some threshhold. For example, if I can just get to the gym, I’ll do at least something once I’m there. I don’t work out super hard every time, but anything is better than nothing. This method feels very much applicable to a lot else in life, but I haven’t really been able to apply it to much else yet. I need to find other instances where I need to just not listen to my stupid brain and just do it.

Another absolutely crucial thing I do to get myself to the gym is I prepare everything in the evening. I pack my work clothes, towel, makeup and so on, and I lay out my gym stuff so I can just get dressed without having to search for socks in the darkness. I have breakfast packed, so when I get to work I can just take out my cup of yogurt, berries and granola. I just need to get up, get dressed and grab my stuff and get out the door. Reducing friction is essential.

Tomorrow when I return to work after the holidays, I’ll go to the gym in the morning. My bag is packed.

[verbaetacta]

Reaching higher ideals

I feel unfinished. Like a half-finished statue stuck in a block of marble. I feel like I’ve been living my life as a bystander. Like I haven’t really made that many conscious choices, but more gone with the flow and seen where I’ll end up. While I am in many ways happy with where I am now, I feel like there is something missing. I guess I could call it deliberateness.

Because I feel like I haven’t very actively made the choices that have brought me here, I also feel like in many ways where I am now is a happy accident. I can’t live like that forever. I want to choose the way I live, even if I don’t want to radically change how i currently live. I don’t want to die, feeling like I always just… wasn’t ever completely present in my life.

At the moment, I’m not completely sure what I want to change and how I want to do it, and that’s why I want to write about it. Writing is a good way to organise thoughts. There are however a few things I’m certain I want to change.

I want to learn and know more. When I was younger, I was so hungry for knowledge. Before I had constant access to the internet, I would write down lists of words and things I’d need to look up when I was at the computer. I would read endless amounts of books, and almost by accident I would learn so much from what I read. It made the world seem like a wonderful, vast place with so much potential. Now, I barely read books (though I do listen to audiobooks), and I really miss that feeling.

I want to use time more consciously and deliberately. I’m honestly quite ashamed of how much time I spend scrolling through the internet, and all that wasted time takes away time I could spend on more meaningful things. The internet has become this place of passive rest for me, a place where I can mindlessly scroll through endless short videos, random pictures or reddit posts. I need to break this habit, and find better ways to rest that don’t make me feel awful.

I want to improve my physical health. I’ve never been a very active person, thought there have been times where I’ve really focused on some sort of exercise and become at least moderately okay at it. Right now, however, I’m at a low point. I’m overweight and out of shape, and I’m feeling the effects of it. I do go to the gym somewhat regularly, but not enough for it to be really meaningful. I walk our dog daily, but the dog walks so slowly it can barely be called exercise. I need something more. I need to feel strong and capable. There are two quotes that really inspire me in this endeavour, one by Plato: ”Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it.” and the other by Socrates (though it is debated whether he actually said this): ”No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” Just as I’m wasting my mind and time on meaningless internet slop, I’m wasting the potential of my body on not using it and not taking care of it. And it is a shame.

Now that I write all this down, it’s beginning to sound like the source of all my problems is the internet. Maybe our parents were right after all, and it is those damn phones. Maybe I should just throw my phone and tablet in the ocean. At some point, I might do some sort of experiment on living unplugged from the internet, at least for a short while.

Anyway, I need to contemplate things and what sort of changes and habits I want to implement. I have a habit of doing too much at once and tiring myself out, which leads to giving up. I need to learn to pace myself.