vexing-angel-face

[vexing-angel-face]

In episode six of The Amazing Digital Circus — Jax gets too real!

In all seriousness, this was completely fantastic to watch. It was such a good depiction of self destructive behaviors and Michael Kovach was PHENOMENAL.

His instant reaction to pomni hugging him was super telling. He wants to get closer to her, his behaviors show that clearly, but he fears it as well.

His regret after the outburst is also extremely telling.

This did not go as planned. He did not expect to get so close to her and have to push her so suddenly away. He didn’t want to push her away, but felt in this moment that he needed to, at all costs.

As much as he wants everyone to believe his actions were planned, they were IMPULSIVE.

As insistent as he was on telling Pomni that he didn’t care, that it was stupid to think that he might, Pomni was right when she pointed out that Jax wasn’t fighting back. He DID care.

He never hurt Pomni for his own fun at any point in this episode. His actions directly contradict what he’s trying to make Pomni believe. He hurts the others, so she might believe him. But he didn’t want to hurt her. Not anymore. The only time he hurt her on purpose was when he felt like he needed to push her away. But otherwise? He has shown that he doesn’t see her as something to torment. Jax sees Pomni as an equal, a friend.

His words are hollow.

Even his reaction to Ragathas “accusing” him of making friends with Pomni was extreme. Initially his uncaring expression threw Ragatha off, but once she was eliminated you can see that this is the moment Jax realized he was going too far — far past even his own personal boundaries — in forming a bond with Pomni.

Jax was lying the whole time he tried to make Pomni believe he didn’t care. He used all his tricks. Deflected with jokes, brushed off the intensity of the situation, made fun of Pomnis attempts to befriend him, he even tried to make her push him away first with the traitor bit.

Actually, he seems to be obsessed with the whole bit thing, don’t you think? The archetypes.

He thinks that fitting into the role of the circus will help him survive.

As if trying to maintain humanity whilst being deprived of it causes abstraction.

So he picks the perfect role to extract himself of any sort of sincerity or responsibility.

The comedian.

He uses it as a shield even if it damages his relationship with Pomni. And he tries to use Pomni’s humorously chosen role to his advantage, to get her to leave.

Pomni’s prying would humanize him. He would be too open, too vulnerable, too human. He won’t be able to play his role anymore. Or use it to protect his sanity.

If he had nothing beneath his cruel exterior, he wouldn’t have to beg Pomni to stop looking.

Jax knows that if she keeps looking, if she helps him open up, if she pursues his friendship despite his protests, he WILL break, and he WILL show her who he really is. He can’t resist getting close with someone because he — like everybody else — needs a friend.

So he had to make her stop.

[vexing-angel-face]

[vexing-angel-face]

WE DID IT. Somehow we are still alive!!!😭 I have the need to write Bunnydoll angst, fogging the edges of my consciousness! BUT WE HAVE A CHANCE!!!! WE WILL LIVE ON, I need them to break each other in two. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPEN TO THEM!!!! AHHHHHHHHH

[vexing-angel-face]

Ragatha Just wants to be cared for, understood, seen, and loved.

She stuck in this digital world with people. She truly can’t know because she barely knows herself, and the others barely know themselves as well. But she is still suck with the subconscious trauma of her past, and only wants a connection to people to prove to herself that even in this digital world she doesn’t need to be perfect for people to love her.

But she doesn’t know how to do it? And I feel for her, and I feel for her when she snaps at Jax. Because she understands how it feels to have your flaws, insecurities, and fears picked at. She dealt with it for years from her own mother and doesn’t want other people to go through that. And yet when people see her defending herself and others against Jax, they get mad? 

It’s frustrating, because she just wants the others to feel how she wishes she feels. Loved, cared for, listened to, understood. But she does it so much that she starts to almost fake it, which is her downfall. She puts up a mask and everything she does feel genuine Anymore after a while, Jax is true on that part.

But I don’t think he’s right on the part where she isn’t genuinely trying to be nice, I think she’s genuinely trying, but sometimes as people do, don’t have it within themselves to genuinely feel the emotion of their actions, something that we can see with Pomni I think. Which is appreciated because she makes it known that. Yes she might not feel the full of emotions of her actions when she asked Gaggle if she is ok, but she doesn’t hide it and people in this digital world understand it and respect it. She isn’t afraid to hide it and feel a genuine care from it which they appreciate. 

Also, one thing I feel like Jax is wrong in the show is that she’s trying to be manipulative, maybe so just not consciously. She just wants someone to be in her corner and the only way she knows how to do that is by being this perfect person. And her jealousy of Jax is completely understandable. She can’t wrap her head around the fact that even for someone who’s such an asshole can befriend someone so quickly, because she tries so hard to be friendly. Which is yet again, her downfall. 

So at the end of the day, I feel like some people should remember that Ragatha. At her core is a person who wants to be seen understood appreciated and loved, without any strings attached (although this is subconsciously.) but she doesn’t know love without strings attached so she doesn’t know how to properly make connections without exaggerating herself and some form of way. She doesn’t know how to be herself and because of that she can’t be genuine without masking which pushes others away. It’s her downfall and I find her crash out on the last episode understandable. She tries so hard and yet Jax does nothing and he gained someone trust, time and attention.

But I feel like she’s also a little ungrateful for the appreciation that Pomni showed her, she’s naturally a flawed person. I don’t think she really understands what it’s like to have a normal relationship with people with no strings attached. 

Because she just wants the simplest yet most obvious things in a normal friendship, which is to be understood, respected, appreciated, and loved. She doesn’t know how it is to feel like constantly and unconditionally.

But doesn’t understand this complex relationship as a whole.

[vexing-angel-face]

What are some headcanons you have for Bunnydoll?

• jax and ragatha are exes, and jax is still either trying to win her back or using his jokes and rude gestures to attract her attention constantly, attempting to fill his loneliness so he doesn’t have to think about a past when he wasn’t so lonely

• ragatha and jax don’t hate each other; they simply project their negative feelings onto one another because they still have unspoken resentments

• jax secretly dreams of touching ragatha's hair

• ragatha, even if she doesn't admit it to herself, would like to pet jax on the head to see his surprised face and drooping ears

• jax actually considers ragatha the most beautiful in the circus (after himself; ragatha is in second place), but he would never confess this to anyone

• i like the idea that jax and ragatha could organize a softball marathon together, trying to win against each other while occasionally letting the other win a little. jax would really take their battle seriously, not just trying to cheat

• in the stargazing adventure, jax couldn’t take his eyes off ragatha and thought only of her, and to not give himself away, he would speak of her exclusively in a negative light, even while trying to understand her

• ragatha finds some of jax's antics funny but would never tell anyone about it

• i saw fanart where ragatha comforted a scared jax in a cornfield with facts about horses; i really love this headcanon

• if jax and ragatha truly tried to understand each other, they would be devoted and loving partners, where jax might tease ragatha but would still protect her peace from others and wouldn’t take his insults seriously

• one day, jax would learn about ragatha's love for horses and propose a horse-themed adventure for her in the suggestion box, but he wouldn’t reveal it to anyone

i'm terrible at headcanons bc i don’t experiment much with them and tend to focus more on the canonical dynamic of bunnydoll, but i will practice and come up with something better! i hope these were satisfying <3

[vexing-angel-face]

[vexing-angel-face]

Bunnydoll Business Au 

Ragatha: 30 year old Staff Director of the company

Jax: 24 years old New higher to the Company

Bunny Doll Au, where Jax is the youngest new hire at this elite company, which mostly deals with technology and entertainment. But only after a couple of months in the company, he  immediately gains an interest in the Staff Director of the company, who is known for her kind heart, intelligence, and communication. This person being Ragatha, she is also considered the youngest out of her colleagues and the kindest team leader in the company. 

This interest at first is more of an annoyance for the 24-year-old, he can’t bear to stand the thought of being bossed around by this ray of fucking sunshine and door mat of a woman. Until he finds himself late at the office one night, and when he is leaving for home, he finds Ragatha still at her desk. At this point, he has already gained the title of troublemaker in the office, and decides to mess with her.

This decision leads him into seeing another part of Ragatha, something that moves past the façade she puts up for her workers. She is tired and exhausted sure, but she lets out another part of herself that Jax has never seen before.

One the lures Jax in and turns him whipped for this woman he is now truly getting to know. And sure, he might have had a small crush on her for her looks alone, but after finding out quick quick-witted, sarcastic, genuinely (not forced) kind and understanding she is, Ragatha is immediately the first and only person he truly wants. So he starts staying late at night to talk to her, walking around with her on his breaks when he is usually napping or pranking, and even starts grabbing coffee with her in the morning. He doesn’t realize it at first, but he grows to understand as he gets closer to Ragatha that he doesn’t want her to be a hook up or a one time thing. He wants her forever as his.

Ragatha finds herself charmed by the younger man, sure he was a dick at times and never seemed to be working and if he ever was being productive it was likely for the wrong reasons. But he brought out a part of her she hadn’t seen in years, not after her breakup with her fiancé of 3 years. And she quickly finds herself falling for the man, it feels so wrong and likely against many regulations. But she couldn’t care less when she is around the bunny. She didn’t care for looks much, not unless they had a kind heart to add to it. But Jax seemed to break that exception at first, but over time he started to meet that expectation as they grew closer. Underneath his well-maintained façade, as is the office troublemaker, lack of emotional availability, and assholeness. But he was attentive, understanding, and supportive in his own tough way. All of these aspects slowly lead into the deep inner works of Jax himself, his subtle shows of kindness and devotion to her, which seem to increase over time as they grow closer.

She seemed to be the only exception for Jax  too, as much as it made her upset to see, especially at work. It made her heart flutter and her cheeks pink at the thought. To think that she could only bring out a certain part in Jax.

It would be a long while before they even started to date, and they would be absolutely whipped for each other. Ragatha would try and keep a professional attitude at work, but Jax wanted it to be known that Ragatha was his and his only. Leading to a lot of embarrassing, unprofessional, trouble for both of them. Not that anyone would really care. Half of the office was already betting on how long it would take them to start dating(Pomni, Gangle, Zooble, Kaufmo, and Ribbit.) the hire-ups included. (Able, Cain, Kinger and Queenie.)

But there would definitely be some angst along the way, very small but important. Jax has to face his past of sleeping around after starting to date Ragatha (not that she cares much.), Ragatha trying to be perfect for Jax, and Jax having to tell her very emotionally how he wants the best and worst of her, and any part of her because he wants all of her. Not just a part of her, but all of her. The same thing with Jax except, his avoidance and vulnerability, especially after small or heated arguments. She want to be let in, to be the one who he can come to, the person who will truly understand stand him in all his vulnerabilities, flaws, and strengths even in his weakness of moments.

And whether they should hide the relationship in the office or not. 

So many ideas man, I could go ON. But some other time.

[vexing-angel-face]

Thought I'd share this one with tumblr too since it makes me laugh :) ... I think Bunnydoll has a little too much of a chokehold on me. Even though we all know this man is not capable of love, we still like to delude ourselves ;(

[vexing-angel-face]

I was just reading your recent chapter to your fic omg 😭 (I absolutely love it by the way!!!) I’ve never jumped in my skin harder in my life. What a jump scare

But I feel you, I really want to cook something up soon

Jax and Ragatha Clearly have history, and I love that. I want them to be messy and fucked up, I don’t want them to get back together, and I don’t want them to look at each other fondly.

I want them to look at each other like they’re the best and worst thing to ever happen to them in their damn hell. 

I want them fucked up, I want them both masking, I want them both pushing away each other in different ways.

I want Ragatha to die a second time as a fake person that Jax hated, I want her to die the first time as the girl Jax loved, a genuine, hurt, traumatized but happy person.

I want her to lose someone she loved but not by her own fault but his fault. Then to feel like it was her fault, causing her to believe it’s her mother all over again. She wasn’t perfect enough, she couldn’t help him, she couldn’t be good for him, she couldn’t make him happy. I want her to kill who she once was, because she believes that the reason why she lost Jax was because, she wasn’t good enough to keep him, to help him, to love him. Her true self just wasn’t enough to keep her as his. So to avoid this with the other members, she decides to mask as a person. 

I want Jax as an asshole, unable to face his mistakes and either drown in them or try and find an escape from them, through causing pain to others. Even to the person he loves most, to selfishly keep himself and her safe. But to fail at that too. I want him to lose all that he cared for in the circus, to realize the worst thing that he had ever done was push away the person he loved most. Which causes them to abstract, because by pushing them away, it caused them to become a fake person, which in turn pushed them to the edge of insanity. So at That point, he didn’t just lose her as a person, he lost her completely. Because he was drowning in his guilt, fear and selfishness. And decided to deal with it in the worst way possible. 

I want him to lose the person he loved the most twice. 

I want them broken.

I’ll come out with something sweet next time 😭

[vexing-angel-face]

Bunnydoll doodle dump

(Please do NOT repost my art on ANY platform. Thank you.)

May I present thee with bunnydoll + my hcs in these trying times? (Ft. Ribbit) Ignore the fact it's 3am as I post this lol

domestic complicated duo my beloved...

Bonus the idiot (me)

[vexing-angel-face]

Jax and Ragatha Clearly have history, and I love that. I want them to be messy and fucked up, I don’t want them to get back together, and I don’t want them to look at each other fondly.

I want them to look at each other like they’re the best and worst thing to ever happen to them in their damn hell. 

I want them fucked up, I want them both masking, I want them both pushing away each other in different ways.

I want Ragatha to die a second time as a fake person that Jax hated, I want her to die the first time as the girl Jax loved, a genuine, hurt, traumatized but happy person.

I want her to lose someone she loved but not by her own fault but his fault. Then to feel like it was her fault, causing her to believe it’s her mother all over again. She wasn’t perfect enough, she couldn’t help him, she couldn’t be good for him, she couldn’t make him happy. I want her to kill who she once was, because she believes that the reason why she lost Jax was because, she wasn’t good enough to keep him, to help him, to love him. Her true self just wasn’t enough to keep her as his. So to avoid this with the other members, she decides to mask as a person. 

I want Jax as an asshole, unable to face his mistakes and either drown in them or try and find an escape from them, through causing pain to others. Even to the person he loves most, to selfishly keep himself and her safe. But to fail at that too. I want him to lose all that he cared for in the circus, to realize the worst thing that he had ever done was push away the person he loved most. Which causes them to abstract, because by pushing them away, it caused them to become a fake person, which in turn pushed them to the edge of insanity. So at That point, he didn’t just lose her as a person, he lost her completely. Because he was drowning in his guilt, fear and selfishness. And decided to deal with it in the worst way possible. 

I want him to lose the person he loved the most twice. 

I want them broken.

I’ll come out with something sweet next time 😭

[vexing-angel-face]

I find the concept of Jax not allowing himself to love Ragatha one of the best and worst things I headcannon.

Like the song Late Nights & Heartbreak by Hannah Williams, and The Affirmations.

It’s not that he doesn’t love her he does, he loves her stupid red hair, her big blue button eye, and her real smile. That smile that he could only create when they were together, before Ribbit's death.

But because of Ribbits' abstraction (I also head canon Jax thinks it is his fault for his abstraction.) It Caused him to realize subconsciously that he couldn’t and wouldn’t let anyone as close as he let Ribbit to him. And the only other person who was as close or closer was Ragatha. So he pushed her away, losing one of many things that was keeping him sane in this hell scape of a circus. And he does it without even saying a word just pushing away verbally with harsh words in actions. 

But quickly after he regretted his actions, but couldn’t take them back for he had pushed away Ragatha in the worst way possible. Which was using most of the vulnerable things that she had in trusted in him against her. While also closing himself off, building walls, and using the other cast members as punching bags to escape the feeling of loneliness, loss, dread, and unexplainable doom. And Guilt. The one emotion he tries to escape the most, but can’t because of the one thing that keeps him from doing that is Ragatha.

After he pushed her away, she started to pull an act, an act that buried the person he knew as Ragatha, his doll face and lover. Her own masking caused even more guilt and shame to fester within him, so much so that he started to place all of his feelings of guilt and shame on her through aggression. He hoped that maybe if he messed with her or pissed her off enough, he would get a glimpse of the Ragatha he once knew.

But it never works and it eats him up even more, but even with all these emotions of regret of not keeping Ragatga close when he should’ve. He still has the impending doom and fear that if he gets too close, he’ll lose her and he can’t let himself do that. Because what if he does apologize and she doesn’t believe him, and it causes a burst of emotions that will lead her to her death, What if he apologizes and she doesn’t forgive him, What if he loses her completely, but in a different way? He is not willing to do that and his pride won’t let him either.

What if it’s Ribbit all other again, and he apologize too late. 

He had been such a shit asshole to her, and he also knows that with the way he is acting now, he will never treat her the way he should. That he won’t be able to love her, comfort her care for her and speak to her the way he used to and should. It’s his fear and guilt that hold him back so much that he just continues to be an asshole to her.

But I think something that caused him to step back and maybe think was the softball scene where Ragatha says Jax doesn’t have any more real friends when she’s talking about herself. Something that forces Jax to face his guilt and faults. And what twists the knife is when Ragatha apologizes to Jax. The first time he’s seen her genuine in maybe months or even years. Where he realizes just a little he hasn’t lost the deal her completely, and yet he still can’t allow himself to love her like he used to.

It would be too much, too risky (like he’s ever cared for that) too painful. Even if he knows in his heart he wants to love her and won’t be able to tear her like he should. Because letting her in again is risking his own death and sanity. 

[vexing-angel-face]

One Headcannon I know is popular but I absolutely enjoy is before Ribbit’s abstraction. Ragtha, Jax, and Ribbit were fairly close, a trio you couldn’t break apart.

And Ragtha and Jax were so close that they were dating.

But after Ribbit's abstraction, Jax started to push everyone out of the fear of losing someone close to him again. But there was also guilt, shame, and the lack of stability to move past Ribbit's death healthy. This caused him to shut down and lash out at everyone and the one person he loved, which in turn caused him and Ragtha's relationship to end without truly saying anything to the other.

Leaving Ragatha in the dark to grieve a close friend she had lost, alone in the place where she had nothing or no one else to be with, while also losing the one thing she probably saw as most important to her. The person she could go to, to be held, be comforted, to make her laugh, and to make her safe. The one she didn’t have to perfect for.

But instead of that comfort and understanding of both losing someone so important, she loses it and all of it. Leaving her desperate enough to resort back to her old way before she and Jax got close and before he came to the circus. I shell of her old self, a mask. A nobody people pleaser that no one trusts because their act is too fake and unreal, which leaves her lonelier than ever.

While Jax pulled up his wall farther up and higher than Ragath had ever seen before. Sure he was a hard tease and asshole at best, but something completely changed within him the month after Ribbits. An act and a mask so great, she slowly started to believe it. That the Jax after Ribbit's death was the real Jax, she had loved someone she barely knew, and felt naïve and stupid for it. Even though she knew in her heart that it wasn’t true, his act is so good that she can’t help her believe it.

While Jax doesn’t buy her act at all, because he knows Ragatha. And misses her, and hates that she pushed her away. But he is too prideful, scared, hurt, and angry to face the mistake and pain he caused her.

So they’re left in the loop of perpetual hurt, anger, grievance, And simple ache for each other that they can’t work through. And Never will. and Jax closeness to Pomni just adds to the fire. Because Pomni reminds both Jax and Ragatha of Ribbit.

[vexing-angel-face]