vglygrrl

[vglygrrl]

Server

I work a service job, like actually a server. Which has its ups and downs, but if I'm honest, it was what I wanted to do at a young age. It isn't glamorous, it doesn't always make a lot of money, when it does it does. But that isn't why I got into it, I wanted to connect with people, I wanted to meet people in different walks of life and have a conversation with them. I learn new things every day I work, I share bits of myself and get the same in return.

I've burnt out of it before, you get one too many rude customers and something cracks, that isn't easily mended in that same environment. I took a break from people, and it was lonely, and quiet. I came back to serving, and not every day is perfect, but even when I'm frustrated with people, with the things that happen during a shift, at the end of the day I've already forgotten and moved on. What makes a real impact is the connection, the positive things.

Today was a good day.

Being a young woman in this job, can be a bit of an ego boost. It's grown my confidence so much over the years, you can get the usual creepy old man hitting on you of course. But you can also get people telling you "you just have such a nice smile, it's brightened my day". And that brightens my day! I feel like I can make a difference sometimes, like what I do is meaningful. Even the small moments add up to something, if that one moment of connection, of smiling, of having a conversation with someone can genuinely be a bright spot in their day. It means something to me, at the end of the day.

Today was a good day, Mondays are slow but we get a lot of the same regulars every week and I can always spare the time to talk to them.

I'm losing my steam and train of thought, I just wanted to say. I love people, I love humanity, I love connection.

[vglygrrl]

hello Tumblr

I come to this blog like a pen to paper, like a diary.

I’m not built to withstand our current internet culture of influencers and branding and marketing. I can never decide where to start.

As someone who’s largely grown up in this culture it’s something I’ve grown used to, or aspire to even, I’ve had probably a dozen instagram accounts in my time — dedicated to fandoms; justin bieber, twenty one pilots, dedicated to my art, or reading, or the business I someday plan to open. Even past Tumblr accounts, casual posts and reblogs and the same art sharing. Some of these accounts have sat unused on my phone for years, taunting me, and others have long since been deleted.

I used to make friends on the internet, truthfully, I fostered a lot of inappropriate relationships and saw a lot of things I had no business seeing at 12 or 14, before the great nipple ban. But I made a lot of great friends too, fandom friends who I could talk to every day, some people I check in on to this day, some I don't remember. I had more online long distance boyfriends than I can count. I did it all at a young age, and learned my lesson at a young age. At 18 I had "outgrown" those things, the memories, bad overshadowing the good, haunted me. So many parts of the internet became graveyards to me. My "grief", too large to overcome I shut it out, and stayed away.

I did the same thing in real life, I lost people, and parts of myself I never thought I would. I've become something new altogether, frankensteins monster of experiences and the lack thereof.

I missed my opportunity in the easy days of youtube fame, early tiktok stardom, tumblr aestheticism. I’ve been here for all of it, watching silently from the shadows. It's easy to fall into the habit of comparing, something I'm not immune to, I take par asocial relationships and delusion to a whole new level. Have you ever been so occupied thinking of something, a show, movie, book, a band or celebrity you love, that you're transported there? Whatever name it's given, maladaptive daydreaming, imagination. When I love something, I really love it, it consumes me, my imagination is so bountiful that I can make believe my entire reality. Sure I'm scraping by now but if I just put myself out there I'd make friends, people would interact with my posts, like my art, the more time I dedicate to it the more I'll get out of it, I'll buy a house, travel, move, grow up, someday when I'm old I'll take younger creatives under my wing to guide them through all of these things I thrust myself at blindly. And somehow the high I was riding from the rom/com I watched late last night paints rose colored glasses over not only my relationship but of my idea of myself and what I'm capable of.

When I snap out of it, my life isn't as great as the influencers, I work a regular day job, I live in a small old apartment with no particular curated aesthetic, I don't read or write or exercise or really do anything daily. I have no friends and barely leave my apartment.

I’m afraid of vulnerability, I'm afraid of being misunderstood or embarrassed or even worse, ignored completely. I'm afraid of not being good enough.

The internet is a void you shout into. 

I am isolated.