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So insanely defeated that I had front row tickets for tonight’s show and had to sell them bc my friend bailed and I couldn’t do a 11 hour drive solo. The show was as so incredible. I am sobbing.

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Well after today’s announcement, LA deserves a new vinyl cover. In my wildest dreams lol.

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I’m going on tour????? In 7 days???? Are we sure? What’s happening.

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Halsey, I beg you if you see this— pls do a meet n greet option at your concerts like back in the old days.

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Today feels like an okay day.

A day where I feel less physical pain.

When I’m able to go just a few minutes without feeling anything at all.

That’s when I feel the most free.

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I thank God every day for my boyfriend.

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I think the worst thing about being sick is knowing you can’t really travel or make plans.

Halsey announces her Austin headlining and I’m like god I’d love to go but….

The plane ride

The hotel

Standing in a festival all day just to try to be close to the front.

And I just can’t. And it sucks. Growing old sucks. If you’ve read this far and you are young, please take care of yourself. The choices you make have consequences. Or sometimes you just have the last normal day of your life. And there’s no explanation. There’s no closure. You’re left to fight the demons on your own while the professionals who took an oath to protect you just label you as anxious and with hysteria.

Modern medicine has come so far but not moved a god damn inch for women.

How are we still struggling. How are we still guessing. How are we still gambling with lives.

How are we okay with this.

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I’ve dealt with so many health issues last year that are now bleeding into this year, that I was prescribed anti-depressants for my ongoing (3 months) chest pain that was deemed non cardiac when I went to the ER.

They’re all saying the same thing: “stress” and the only thing that’s stressing me out is these medical professionals unable to properly diagnose me.

I’ve “only” been on this medication for 6 days. I haven’t noticed any change in my chest pain or any other aspects. I hate that I felt like I didn’t have a choice in this. I mean of course I had a choice in taking the medication. But I fully and wholeheartedly believed that this, being the last resort, would help. And I’m so beside myself.

Every day I feel like is going to be my last. Not by choice. My chest feels like it’s splitting in two. No one believes me. I’ve seen so many doctors. “Acid Reflux” only for the GI to tell me that it’s not acid reflux.

Idk what to do anymore. It’s hard to focus at work. It’s hard to do anything fun. Because I’m just constantly thinking about this chest pain. I’m praying to all the gods out there to please let this medication work. Please. I literally can’t do this.

I know there are so many people suffering with chronic pain around the world. Some without insurance. Some without answers. Some without access to medication. My heart breaks for everyone. Out of the 15 med professionals I saw last year, only one seemed like she cared. Is that just normal? Is that just the medical system? Is this all transactional?

The pain is getting so bad that I think about going to the ER. I went 3 times last year. 3. All within a 3 week period. I’m too ashamed to go because they’re just going to get annoyed with me all over again. Use my anxiety against me as if I’m fabricating symptoms and taking time away from people who actually need immediate attention.

I cry every day. I’ve lost so many “friends”. I am just beyond thankful for my boyfriend who continues to provide me compassion and support every single day. I’m so thankful for my mom who I know I’ve emotionally destroyed through these last 8 months. I wish this could all disappear. I wish I could go back to normal. I wish someone had a clear answer for something. I wish I could travel without worry so I could see my boyfriend more than twice a year. I wish so many things.

Every day I worry it’ll be my last. That I’ll never get married. I’ll never have kids. All because these doctors didn’t try hard enough.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m just a stranger on the internet. I cant wait to finish work today so I can go to sleep. And pray. And pray. And pray. This all just goes away.