viewtifulsilverjo

[viewtifulsilverjo]

Back Here Again

It seems I’m back here again writing down what’s on my mind because nobody ever reads what is here. Its one of those late nights where I really feel alone and like nobody gives a shit and me being here and now makes it probably right. I really don’t know why I bother with my existence most days but I think its because I don’t really have the effort or time to be offing myself or some corny shit. Everything that I go through seems all for naught and I feel like I’m wasting my time. Is it bad that I feel like I’m better off when I’m going through extreme turmoil than when I’m trying to regulate things? My interests are lost to me. I don’t feel like gaming, I don’t feel like working, I don’t feel like hanging out or talking to anyone. It just all feels absolutely positively pointless. And you know, the one girl who I thought I was taking interest in, that shit seems pointless now too. I feel like she’s being incredibly selfish. I know she doesn’t owe me anything, but it feels like she’s just using me for energy. It feels like she feeds off of me in a sense. Thats why my self destructive behaviors probably annoy her because she cant feed off of that. She needs me seemingly happy and enjoying her for her to feast. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And i feel so betrayed by that. The reasons she gives for not wanting to be with me really don’t make any sense whatsoever. I know I have no choice but to respect them but it feels like she wants all the aspects of a relationship but without committment so she can be free to do whatever guilt-free. And if something were to come up she could play the “Oh but we’re not together” card. And while that may be true, why bother making it feel that way for purposes other than abuse I suppose. I always feel like people mentally abuse me and have fun while doing it. I don’t know why I bother wasting my time interacting with people when no one wants what I want. Everybody wants what they want and nothing else. I give and give and give and everybody else takes. And i have some people that i have some balance with, but all of that feels fruitless in the end. It feels like everyone is just going to disappear and that I really shouldn’t bother. I’m probably right, in the end I’ll lose it all again and I’ll just be back to wallowing in my self pity until the day that I die. I wish I was a stronger person and could off myself. I envy those who have killed themselves successfully. Kudos to you for freeing yourself. If only I could be so brave, But im not. I’m just a sorry excuse for nothing who doesn’t deserve to be here so I’m stuck. All I’m going to do is go home and lay in my bed and wake up and work and pretend like I want to be here even remotely. And people wonder why I’m self destructive but don’t want to concern themselves with what I truly want. I want everybody and everything to leave me the fuck alone so I can dissasociate. Maybe if i didn’t have to pretend like I liked anyone or anything and was truly away from it all then I could be at peace. Maybe then I’ll have the power to end my life and never return. The end is coming for me soon, I hope. Until then I’ll just lay down and cry about it and pretend like I want to be anything with anyone, only for them to waste my time and get what they want and to leave me empty, again. Oh well woe is me, let me go be a bitch and  cry about it. Fuck I hate life. SOmeone please kill me, thanks. 

[viewtifulsilverjo]

Tumblr.

Is boring as fuck. 

[viewtifulsilverjo]

To be honest, I get it now I think. You don’t actually want a good, solid relationship. You don’t want someone who will go to the ends of the earth for you. You hide behind claims of “I just don’t see past us being friends” and cries of “I’m not really worth anything, I’m lazy, I’m garbage, etc.” I don’t think either of those is a legitimate excuse for not giving someone a chance. I would rather have a no with a reason, that someone who kind of runs around things in circles. I don’t believe in entitlement. I don’t believe I’m entitled to anything whatsoever, but that of course doesn’t change my interests/wants/needs. And the fact you claim to not be worth anything and use that to keep from giving someone a legitimate reason for things shows me that you probably really aren’t worth it. Does that mean I don’t still take an interest in you? Nah. It just more so means as soon as something else comes along to take my interest, you probably won’t even have my friendship left, because it isn’t really all that valuable to you I can see. That being because you don’t seem to appreciate it all that much along with the fact you can’t even be honest with me. You can’t be honest about previous situations and you can’t be honest about your feelings towards me now. It’s alright though, I’ll still hang around for the entertainment value. And, at the end of the day, I’ll disappear once I find something more entertaining and I already know you won’t care lol. But I digress, life goes on. I just wish that you would live up to your actual potential rather than using your past as a cop out. I used to do that too, it didn’t get me anywhere. But, you do you boo boo.

[viewtifulsilverjo]

You know, I think I write on here because nobody ever reads what I write, but I want to remember what I write, and that’s okay. I mean you know, I could type up a paper in Microsoft Word or some bullshit but eh tumblr is my vent and sometimes people read things but anyways im rambling. I’m not happy lol. I’m honestly not happy whatsoever really and I’m kind of just living my life at this point because I’m still alive. I don’t want to kill myself or anything, that’s stupid, but I’m really really not happy. I don’t sleep anymore. Like I just pass out tbh and it sucks. Every girl I encounter turns out to be a stupid decision and a broken heart, and like idk maybe its because i started the fucking up of a relationship with one of the best things to happen to my life a few years ago, and now they’re like a best friend of mine and I don’t really listen to them like I should. I don’t listen to anybody like I should really and I keep making these dumb mistakes and getting my shit punched in emotionally. It. Really. Sucks. I just wanna get some sleep at night. I just want somebody to hold me so I don’t have to cry anymore. I just want somebody to love me like I love them. I just want somebody not to lie to me. I just want somebody to enjoy my interests and my dreams. I’m sick of being alone and carrying on life everyday like I don’t have a problem with what goes on around me. I continue to write shitty fucking poetry that people love for some reason because i have no other way to express my true emotions. It’s sorry as fuck. I just get sick of dealing with all of this, but I’ll live, I know, it just sucks.

[viewtifulsilverjo]

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VIEW ALL BUNDLES

[viewtifulsilverjo]

[viewtifulsilverjo]

YES

i’m on to you drake

[viewtifulsilverjo]

Am here.

The one place you’ll never find because you never notice me.

[viewtifulsilverjo]

Imagine if IT/Tech related things were gangs.

Java Crips Adobe Bloods Shockwave Flash Gang Adobe Flash Gang Add to the list pls and reblog LOL

[viewtifulsilverjo]

All The

All the money in the world couldn't make you a star All the friends in the world couldn't make you popular All the love in the world couldn't fix your soul All the medicine in the world couldn't heal your sickness All the light in the world couldn't cleanse your darkness Forever sealed

[viewtifulsilverjo]

#DoingBusinessLikeNobodysBusiness

[viewtifulsilverjo]

YES

Oh wtf guys, I saw my derpdoge falcon had over 5000 notes over the weekend. The falcon helmet is actually one of my school projects, and I happened to make it in time for sm4sh. I just happened to put it on my dog wuile it was in progress for fun because I like messing with her.

Decided to post a better picture with my completed helmet, ft. Maya’s (that’s her name) real face.

Considering making a social media thing for my dog too soon ish.

If you’re interested in my prop work and cosplays, you can check muh stuff out at www.facebook.com/tmmehcsply Full Falcon cosplay soon.

[viewtifulsilverjo]

me irl

[viewtifulsilverjo]

I CANT LIFE LOL

Wild DANCING SHARK appeared!

[viewtifulsilverjo]

weroiugbiuoergbierogbio SO THIS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE AND I CANT STOP

Wii Shop Channel | Super Smash Bros. 4

[viewtifulsilverjo]

mako?

mako??

makO???

MAKO????

MAKO?????????????????

[viewtifulsilverjo]

What have I done

Fuck spellcheck I am just typing this as it comes out...

Its the third night in a row ive had to come to tumblr and its fucking retarded.... I just opened up the biggest can of worms in the form of what I could not see originally. I shouldn't have opened those files. I fucking shouldnt have but I did anyways and now Im suffering for it like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....

Ive seen all I need to---no maybe not enough idfk....,..I dont know whats worse, knowing nothing was hidden or knowing everything was...I just fucking ugh I dont

why

why

why did i click that button. Im such a fool for pnuishment... i do these fucking things to myself like fuck why god dear god fuck shit ughhhhhhhh!!!!!1

I can't even life right now and its 5am and i have to be to work tomorrow and fuck all the shit ive seen tonight like seriously fuck it. Thats what i get for being inquisitive and curious and wanting to know the everything and just fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I fuckign quit

i shouldnt have opened that

Im closing it now

Goodnight