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Aslaug: all this stress is upsetting the baby.

Ragnar: oh no! Forgive me, Athelstan, I never meant to cause you distress

Aslaug: I could not more obviously have been talking about Ivar

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Helga, handing out Christmas presents: You've been very good this year Ragnar! Athelstan: Yeah, except for cheating on your wife Athelstan: Adultery's a sin Ragnar: I got scented candles! Athelstan: Well that's appropriate. Lots of fire where you're going. Athelstan: You're going to hell, Ragnar

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King Horik: I have a personal relationship with Ragnar and a professional relationship with Ragnar King Horik: Personally, yeah, I think he's a rat

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*Going into battle*

Rollo: Nervous?

Athelstan: Yes.

Rollo: First time?

Athelstan: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.

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Ragnar: Lagertha, you're like an angel without wings Lagertha: So like a person?

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Ragnar: If you had iron deficiency, I would simply crack my bones open so you could feed on my marrow. If you care. Athelstan: ... Athelstan: Probably would be easier and more sustainable to just buy some iron supplements

@procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics

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Floki: You never let me do anything fun Ragnar: People die when you have fun

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Ragnar: So this bread is the body of Christ? Athelstan: Yes Ragnar: And he rose from the grave? Athelstan: ...yes Ragnar: Because of the yeast? Athelstan: *sighs*

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Athelstan: I'd follow Ragnar to hell and back, but I wish he'd just stop going there

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Athelstan: Oh, my god, these pills are huge.

Ragnar: You know what else is huge? ;)

Athelstan: My love for Jesus Christ can I get an amen??

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Aslaug: Do you like my outfit?

Ragnar: Not as much as I like what’s underneath it.

Aslaug: [blushing] Ragnar!

Ragnar: I need your chair. Get up.

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Vikings characters as Ceratainly Not a Porn Bot descriptions :

Athelstan: 😖 book📚keeper 🕷 i will fix death ♻️

Floki: 😴 clown 🤡 🚯 i will stab your boyfriend

Helga: 😏 just a little girl ☢ guinea pigs 💤 blogging from a cave 🌷

Aslaug: 🫠 56 🚯 witch blogging from a cave 🦚

Kwenthrith: 😭 bored 🦚 queen bee 🐝 ✅ i will bite 🫦 your heart

Ecbert: 🤣 i am GOD 👁 🌸 frogs 💤 blogging from 78.9014° N, 13.4839° E 🦇

Rollo: 😭 village idiot ❌ i will kiss 💋 the devil

Ragnar: 😭 the guy 🧍 💤 i will maul your ass

Bjorn: 🤣 i can vote, ok? 🧡 birbs 💀 the guy 🧍 

Lagertha: 🥵 little flower 🌼 💅🏻 violence 🚯 blogging from right behind you 👁 ☢

The Seer:😶 just another human 👤 🖤 i will curse your boyfriend

Bonus part 2 Athelstan: 😭 scribe ✍ 🐸 i will steal your boyfriend

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Lagertha: Gods, give me patience.

Athelstan: The phrase is “God, give me strength.”

Lagertha: If the gods gave me strength, everybody would be dead.

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Ecbert, high off his ass: So I believe that cannabis oil was the other holy oil mentioned in the bible Ecbert: If Jesus lived he probably would've smoked weed Athelstan: ...yeah

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Ragnar: [Carrying a bunch of groceries.]

Athelstan: [Reaches hand to help.]

Ragnar: [Aggressively moves all the bags to one hand to hold Athelstan’s hand.]

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Athelstan: I have a girlfriend now too Athelstan:...which is weird because I'm probably gay

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Athelstan: One time at a party I kissed Lagertha and then to make sure Ragnar wasn't mad about it I just kissed him too Athelstan: Then I blacked out and woke up to a text in a group chat with both of them that said "did you make it home safe, baby?"