violencetheking

[violencetheking]

pictures from this morning! i love the golden morning light so much ☺️

[violencetheking]

i dont know sometimes i feel like im phasing from one part to the next like all the seconds count too hard and too little i really wish time was parallel to how i experience hours but i cant seem to grasp the minutes left in a day until that day is over and my alarm sings

i wish moments lasted more than a moment and momentos were more than just tokens and tokens could hold me further than dust could

i dont want to spend life in a count down looking at hours and hours of affected goals i want to wind to mould me shape my skin hollow and fuzzed until i can open up and become just once

[violencetheking]

terrible terrible truths i count my dollars with open wounds if i clasp pearls catch tears and swallow my shaken hand bask in the extra wealth and clutch my cramping can’ts will i find the days rapture are the walls of white worth the bidden time stolen and worn weary over nights of solemn solitude stupidity and determination are linked in faith  forlorn and channeled i endure the days hope the medicinal wealth will cure this calloused bruise and swallow a needled breath perched and wide stroke this harrowed heart with hands pried

[violencetheking]

i was thinking about the ways you walk and you talk of the time of day you smile and how many silhouettes i can make of you i love dancing with your shadow and finding refuge in your breath i count the hours with my fingertips hope this moment i cant forget

[violencetheking]

there is so much joy in moments in holding breaths in the tiny seconds where time slows down and i can count every eyelash every imperfection and admire the shape of your smile i wish forever i could study the little ways you laugh

[violencetheking]

i love when youre warm and soft and smiling and i can kiss you in a dream when i can reach into the inbetween and sandwich our love in my palms i love the length of you and the curves of your mouth i want to kiss the swell of your belly and hold you tight oh my love my love when im with you joy is my sky my heart is safe and i can feel the weight of your dedication you make the stages of waking up my favorite pass time and there is nothing i want more than to find my way back into your shape envelop myself into you give me the extent of your love and ill hold it dearly i love love love you and im so happy to know you clearly

[violencetheking]

youre so cruel but i guess i am too and its wicked the way i still love you

[violencetheking]

im not contaminated why do you quarantine my body why do you press when you dont want to know how can i comfort you if my touch is poison if i die will that make you happy

[violencetheking]

i dont want to spend the days feeling like im floating i forgot what being broken felt like until i shattered myself and laughed at the fallout ill cry later after this foul feeling is gone because all i want to do is cry and cry and cry and cry i hope youre ok without me its the spite speaking but you did this to yourself you cant create four concrete walls and hand over a spoon you cant cry when the dull metal does nothing but scrape dust off of your personal prison im dying and youre dying and its never been fun but we laugh anyway and if the boat is sinking ill go down with you just like our vows say ill drown myself in pity and saline and blame you i wish i could be comforted by you and let you in but how can i when you freeze up at the slightest touch why do you blame me for what i cant change why get angry when you know how little power i have i know what you want and youre too scared to say it you know you know and i know and we both know i wont do it dont blame me for finding something that you refuse to give me intimacy is not as simple as you make it out to me im drowning and falling and i love you i love you i love you i love you i wish youd love me

[violencetheking]

i once loved a girl who taught me i could sing roused me from my darkest dreams and preached harmonies from her keys laid me to bed like i was worth the stardust in her head she read to me stories of astral projection found me memories i never dreamed of seeing held me together with the glue of her fingers cradled my body in her hand and found the cure to my addiction when her heart died i was sure i had fallen seen the tragedy of movies play on saw her black soul and felt like i was missing gave her two kisses and realised that love is more than my own redemption she can heal whatever wounds i inflict upon my marred forearms but only if i embrace the darkest nightmares that plague her weary body hold her when she cannot breathe in tempo and remind her that home is here with me where is the joy in being an anchor when all you can do is sink i'll carry her through the storms and when we both wake breathless and tear streaked we'll huddle in our own humiliation and know that love is a two way street

[violencetheking]

she looks at me with eyes of fire and i know, i know the way the breeze catches the curves of her hair and the summer sunset gleams golden on her skin its as if shes trying to kill me there are day when i instruct myself to look away before my vision burns but ive never felt flames so sweet lick my face like her voice shakes my soul i want to know how every rivet on her body moves as one i couldnt further speak once i listened to the music of her breath she took mine away with the first glimpse of her crooked teeth i wish she were mine but its alright if the stars never align id be willing the pray at her alter if only some god would let me worship her from afar let me feel her lingering warmth one last time she has the most beautiful eyes i fall into them endlessly in the seconds i can i imagine swimming in sunkissed earth drowning in secret giggles she looks at me with eyes of cud and she knows, she knows

[violencetheking]

a tragedy

how do i express in so many empty thoughts that ive been screaming inside for so many months how can i hold your hand as you cry and never let you hold mine? if i mimic your tragedy will i be selfish or brave my love i can’t count the days i’ve been abandoned at ground zero how many years its been since i’ve been counting these silent seconds how many moments its been since i have picked this sweet apple and puckered my mouth at the swallow i’ve followed this lonely path since i could breathe and i’ve never been given reprieve

will you hold me if i need you to lay my head on your bosom and listen to me ramble of songs i’ve never been able to write of spite of love so strong my eyes sting when i think of you will you accept me through the loss of my innocence love me when i cannot breathe without praying for your name screaming i’ve never been the same since your smile dear your smile i’m scared to lose your smile to this humiliation to this affliction of choices and adaptions that have lead me this far

i wonder will you let me count the constellations in your eyes as i cry will you raise me up like your god on a holy pedestal and brush my hair and shush me like a babe keep my every chance at bay to pull a knife to my wrist will you kiss the tears away and take this silent melody to the gallows hold me by the scalp and whisper its ok breathe me and this fantasy in the years have been counting down as ive methodically created a system of inefficient protection this armor is brittle and it’s been cracking since the day i felt your smile on my skin since i have let you in and had you mend the cracks reinforce the iron with hot glue and stitches until it was stronger than before and only a secret door could let it get away

if i mimic some tragedy will it be selfish or brave my love i can’t count the days since i’ve last dreamed of sweet death prayed for a last breath and hoped with an ounce of regret that these delusions aren’t true but under it all is you and me and the tragedy of love with only screams

[violencetheking]

i’ve mastered the art of crying so you can’t hear me made my tears come out in silent sulphuric streams all so you won’t worry won’t fret

i’ll do anything for you my love don’t you forget

[violencetheking]

gender

this is unfinished and unedited and i may look at it again someday but i just wanted to publish it to help come to terms with my fucked up identity so

my gender is

star light and comets and galaxy and billions and billions of light years coming together to create magic

is star dust forming in my hand is the big bang is the explosion of our solar system is rocks forming to create light and water is chemical bonds creating things ill never under stand is cognitive life forming from 92 elements is the unprofound and extremely unlikely scenario that rocks and atoms formed life that could create society that our thoughts could create a system in which we live that the oceans and stars would guide my ancestors from as south as they could go until they were up and past the equator enough that they found a place they could call home

that centuries ago my lineage was formed among gods that created heaven and earth that entire dynasty came and went that my ancestors ruled the islands that a pantheon of brown blood formed over tides and land came to be that later my ancestors came to destroy it that centuries later somehow these two sides of war came together that somehow two pieces of meshed chemicals were put in a position of power that somehow they threw it all away that somehow immigrants from countries from all over created humans that met and congregated that somehow through two world wars opposing sides of war came to be together

that somehow i was born

my gender is

a state of being i wake up to every day is the way i breathe in the morning is the way i move my limbs is the scars down my legs is the bumps on my arms is the rape i have seen is the way that i breathe is the way that i breathe is

every night i close my eyes a craft a story that will never happen that somehow i am i girl who loves a man that i am a man that loves a man that i am a person who loves a person that i am a person that could love a person

every night i look at the face of the one i love and i think they could do better every night i think of all the mistakes i made that day and i pocket it and take it away

every day i look in the mirror and see a face that fights each other see a body that isn’t mine see a body that is mine see the way my hair grows from my scalp and think

this is unfair

i have a name that doesn’t match anyone but me

i have a name meant for me

a name that fights itself

hawaiian and not

white and not

made for a girl

for someone whose not

but is made for a boy

for someone whose not

how many contractions can be in one person

how many times can i micromanage my existence

how many times can i change a day until this cloth made from the same elements that make my worn limbs will morph into the limbs that i want

how many layers of makeup can i use to mask the things i am not

my gender is

my insecurities.

the feeling that I’ve always been alone. that i come from a culture of family where dis

my gender is

my expression

is ten pounds of hair falling to the floor. is the blood on the toilet is the smiles to my cats is the way the wind blows on my skin is the way i look at the stars and think beautiful is the way i look at someone as big a mess as me and think beautiful

my gender is

how i love you

is how my heart swells when i see you

is the way i reject you

is the way i fail to please you

is the way i upset you

is the way i

my gender is years in the making has been around before the year i found a word that meant everything at the time that means nothing now my gender has been around before the decades i was born screaming and bear my gender was built in conflict and war in destruction and love in improbability and hope my gender is rocks clanking to form life it is 92 elements coming together in an ordinary part of the galaxy to form life it is a society that fights until it can’t breathe

it is me

my gender is larger than life and as big as can be so tell me why

can’t my gender be

me

[violencetheking]

she tasted like lemons and balloons on a hot sunday afternoon and digging like worms in dirt believing everything hurt i laid down my heart and fell apart so she’d hold my hand and understand why heat can never be my fairytale and touched her like reading braille fumbling through her sentences as illiterate as a fresh mind in the break of day

[violencetheking]

when i was a child i used to wish i was water that i could flow forever and move freely whereever

until i realised that i am 65% of the way there that the river in me flows just as fast as a mountain stream that the oceans of my body will crash inside me

[violencetheking]

she smells like death like waterfalls of puss and shit and she cries until her eyes are blind too weak to move her head to drink water or even chew the food in her mouth i always thought that youth meant happiness and longevity until i looked at your face and watched you die with bated breath