virtualdiary98

[virtualdiary98]

are you scared of death?

I'm not scared of dying. I know death is a part of life, but I want to know what happens after we die...

do we know we're dead? do we come back and start all over again? do we live forever after we die and we just don't know the difference between being alive and being dead because it's the same? does that make sense? how do we know we're dead? how do we know its our time... do you just not wake up one day??? do we come back as someone else? do we know we come back as someone else?... who answers these questions?

[virtualdiary98]

how do you control your emotions?

I am a struggling 26 year old woman who is trying to control her emotions better. how do I keep myself from getting so upset at my boyfriend? my boyfriend pisses me off so much, and he doesn't realize he does. when I tell him, he gets so defensive. why? because he thinks he's never wrong. I can acknowledge when im wrong, but he can't. in his eyes, he never is.

how do you grow with your significant other to maintain a healthy relationship by openly talking about your issues/problems, without starting an argument? how do you get someone to listen to you rather than argue with you when you tell them what's wrong? knowing he wants you to tell him what's wrong...

[virtualdiary98]

"sorry"

one word. 5 letters. 2 syllables. why is this word such a difficult word to say, for everyone I know? everyone I love? why is it so easy for me to say? I dont get it. I dont understand why this word doesn't come natural for people to say... especially when we hurt our loved ones...

last night my boyfriend was playing video games. when I am at my house and he's at his house, he will stream on twitch for me to watch from my house. it's cute. it's sweet. he loves that I enjoy to watch him play. until last night, I loved watching him play. I usually fall asleep around 11PM. yesterday, he says "alright boys she fell asleep. we can finally get some dubs in"

let's go back to when I still went to his soccer games. one of his teammates said I was bad luck. now, if my boyfriend wants to make jokes about it, go right ahead buddy. be my fucking guest. its gonna piss me off, so take accountability for your stupidity. think before you speak. "if I say this, will my girlfriend be upset? will it offend her?" but nooo, everything is a fucking joke. if I were to say some shit like that, he would be fucking pissed. crazy fucking shit huh?

[virtualdiary98]

is it normal to fall out of love?

I am starting to fall out of love with you. there comes a point in time in relationships where every little fucking thing annoys us, or pisses us the fuck off. why do you say things that you know will hurt me? why do you constantly make me feel like im not good enough? like I am worthless. like I overreact to every little thing? stop giving me things to overreact to. treat me the way I treat you, and let me say, I treat you so well. I do so fucking much for you. why do you always leave me feeling so... empty. so hopeless. what do I do to deserve the way you treat me?

[virtualdiary98]

nothing I do is ever enough. I will never BE enough. will I?

[virtualdiary98]

I guess I had a little more in me

relationships are so wild to me. we spend all of this time with someone, get to know them, they learn about what you like and dont like, yet they still do the things that upset you. or say things without thinking. why? why be with someone is you're going to constantly hurt their feelings? and why be with someone if they just end up hurting you?

idk how men can sit here and just sit in silence. the silence eats me alive and I can't fucking take it. we look at each other with blank stares and I guarantee he's not thinking what im thinking.

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!? WHY CANT YOU BE GOOD TO ME. BETTER TO ME. DONT I FUCKING DESERVE THAT????

why the fuck do I have to tiptoe in my own room??? like go fucking home if that's what you're going to do?

I dont fucking get it

[virtualdiary98]

just another day

welcoming myself back after a long few months. its been awhile. but that doesn't mean everything is good, it just means a bitch has been busy.

I sit here at my desk while my boyfriend is on his phone drafting yet another fantasy football draft. im over this season already and it just fucking started. every little thing has been annoying the shit out of me, and to be honest im just not having it. its every little fucking comment he makes and it gets under my fucking skin. im so over his shit. I want to so badly scream out IM DONE WITH YOU!!!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. but that would be an entirely overreaction because do I really want that? do I really love him or am I just afraid of having no one? do I have it good?

I hate to be the one to compare my relationship to other relationships but... everyone around us (minus my friend and her bf who so badly need to break up) are so happy. I want to be happy. I want to be held, to be kissed, to have my hand held, all without being asked. is that truly something a partner needs to ask for in a relationship? why do I keep having to repeat myself? why do I constantly feel like I am dating a child and need to bring up the same fucking things over and over again. I want to scream IM FUCKING EXHAUSTED JUST ACT RIGHT DUDE ITS NOT HARD. BE A GOOD FUCKING BOYFRIEND. it's always the same fucking shit with him. why?!?!??!

why am I always the bad guy... why do I put up with this every. damn. day. what am I doing?!? why am I here...

how did we come to this. how did I let myself go so bad that if I do leave this relationship no one would fucking want me.

why did you ruin me.

[virtualdiary98]

healthy communication

last night was tough. my boyfriend and I got in an argument where I felt so awkward and uncomfortable that I wanted to leave, and so I did.

so here's what happened:

we got done eating and went back to his house and sat down in the garage. his garage is like his man cave, and we have a two seater reclining chair in there just for us. he turned on his ps5, and I cuddle up next to him. (totally normal for us since we spent the whole day together and that was just us relaxing and enjoying being with each other) and he games while I watch him or I go on my phone. his friend ben invited him to join a game and he was just sitting on his phone. earlier, he had asked ben to get on. so I was like, "aren't you going to join ben?" and he was like "yeah" so casually.

I was like oh why aren't you guys playing then? I also don't hear him. he then yells, "I DID. HE'S HERE HE'S IN WHY ARE YOU SO CONFUSED" and I was just baffled... I was so surprised. Like.. what?! why are you yelling or shouting or raising your voice over THAT?!

and so bottom line, it was dumb, and we talked about it a little bit last night and a lot more today. I feel a lot better about it today than I did last night. healthy communication is my #1 in a relationship and 8/10 that is what we have!!!!

[virtualdiary98]

what's really exhausting is...

if you read my posts in order of occurrence it'll make more sense.

my mom exhausts me. she mentally suffocates me. WHYYYYYYY IS SHE LIKE THIS

I can't fucking breathe around her. whenever she is sick, she needs me to be around her all the fucking time. why?!??!?! why do I need to do this for you. why am I being brought this burden? if it was something serious I want to be there for you always but for fucks sakes woman. I can't fucking shower without her getting all sad and then crying. because apparently every single time I take a shower it means im going to be out all day.

she is suffocating. I spent countless hours with her at the hospital. she wanted that. I know she did even when she says she doesn't. who wouldn't want that? but also who would want that lol why do you want the people you love to rot in a hospital room with you... maybe that's just me.

I wish I had a normal mom who was independent. I have a mom who is 110% dependent on ME and her husband who spends 16 hours a day working. idk if anyone is in the same boat as me but if you are please reach out lol I need someone who can relate to my pain.

[virtualdiary98]

overreacting? or just me lol

so my boyfriend and I got in another .... something? im not sure what to call it. but my mom has been in the hospital for a few days. and I have been getting absolutely no sleep. he has been so amazing by coming over and making sure I have food to eat and such. he said he wanted to hang out with his friends and I encouraged him to go. what fucking pisses me off is when he says "yeah it'll just be for a couple of hours so I can come over after with dessert for you"

please, for anyone who probably doesn't read this but if you do, PLEASE for the love of christ do not say this. you guys are not good at time management and it just lets us down. getting us excited for nothing. which is why my response is always no thanks it's okay etc because I know he just won't end up coming.

and I was right.

I dont want to be right. prove me wrong. keep me on my fucking toes. but don't make promises you can't keep. it's exhausting.

[virtualdiary98]

death: how do we deal with it?

so many fucking questions about death.

how do you cope with it? I know we all cope in different ways. I can't imagine losing a lover, but I have lost family before and it sucks. but I dont remember how I got over it. I was so young and didn't realize how precious time is with one another.

I had a friend from high school who passed away recently. fuck, he was more than just my friend, he was a huge reason to why I enjoyed my time in high school so much. he was such an amazing friend. it was a group of 4 of us. he was like the leader of our group.

I haven't talked to him since a couple years after high school. this is where my question comes in: am I allowed to be sad? I know there were a ton of other people who were closer to him. I was close to him for many years, but we hadn't talked in awhile. is that ... allowed? I dont think I have ever had a friend like that pass away. my boyfriend and I had ran into him recently and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he isn't on this earth anymore. it is devastating.

ERN: if you are reading this, or ever get the chance to read this, I love and miss you. you could light up any room with the amount of people you make smile and laugh. thank you for taking me everywhere and anywhere when I couldn't drive yet. thank you for always being there for me, and for being a great friend. I hope I get to see you again soon. <3 fly high

[virtualdiary98]

togetherness.

I love my boyfriend. so much. he is my best friend and lover all in one, and I know a lot of people can't say that about their significant other. though, he has been suffocating me lately. I wouldn't want him driving in the pouring rain, and high winds, so he kept implying he should spend the night, again. he spent the night on thursday night and then spent the night on monday. we hang out every single day. which is fantastic, I love that we can hang out this much and not get sick of each other, but lately he's been saying out of pocket shit. like, my mom hasn't been feeling well and she asked us for a favor. we do the thing she needed help with, and after we get back into my room he says, "we really didn't need to do that. she 100% overreacted."

if you didn't want to help then dont fucking help. its that simple. its just very rude to say things like that. I don't make comments like that when his mom asks me for help. but I also think that spending that much time at my house with him and my family was getting a bit overwhelming and suffocating. again, I love him and I know im privileged to be about to spend all of my time with him, but it is a bit much at times.

[virtualdiary98]

does the world revolve around us? no. it doesn't.

today, my boyfriend and I were supposed to double date with my brother and his gf. I knew his friends wanted to hang out with him and I encouraged him to hang out with them. and I meant it. I really did. it wasn't until he texted me saying that he still wanted to go to the escape room and that was fine! I said okay great I start looking at times and I realized he never told me a time. I texted him and asked him what time and he said after 7. I said... ok are you sure you dont want to just hang out with them? he said no, I said okay. later, I told him there was a room I found that starts at 7, and asked him if that worked. he said "ill let you know by 4:30."

what the fuck? do all of our schedules suddenly revolve around yours? that is absolutely crazy to me I was BAFFLED.

I said, no that's ok im just going to cancel.

are you sure? he says. YES BRO IM SURE. im not going to have my brother wait around for a fucking maybe or "ill let you know by 4:30" like... bye

it is just extremely disrespectful of our time. he had no respect for mine, my brothers, or his gf. very very rude. disappointed and I already had a shit day but whatever slay the day I guess

[virtualdiary98]

"if you want"

am I the only person who feels this way: what's the point of making plans with someone if its only going to be for an hour? is there a point? there's not right? especially if you see each other every fucking day.

today I was making dinner for me and my family. I made us homemade pizzas! when I say homemade I mean I bought pre made dough from trader joes and then bought sauce and cheese and toppings and baked that bitch in the oven. he wanted to hang out with me but also informed me that he had a soccer game for fun with his friends tonight. he said it was at 7:30pm and that he could come around 5pm. he ended up coming at 6:10. what is the point of that? why come if you're just going to eat and then leave? after dinner I did the dishes and then I felt like baking cookies. he stayed for about 20 minutes and then went to play soccer with his friends. before leaving he said, "ill come back after soccer and then we can watch our show. soccer will be done at 9pm."

at around 10pm he texted me informing me that he was done and that they extended it an hour. then calls me to see what I was doing and then asked if he could swing by my house and pick up some cookies that I had baked.

???? what the fuck?

he came to pick them up and I was visibly upset. he said what's wrong? I said nothing, I just knew you wouldn't come back. he said, "I can come in IF YOU WANT.

ladies and gents, we fucking hate this response. that is so fucking annoying!.!.! you mean, "can I come in and watch our show for a little bit?"

fucking rude as fuck

I love him so much, but sometimes when we fight I look at him and I dont see a future. almost as if I look at him when I'm upset and I get to see a glimpse of the future and I see we don't work out.

I finally have a job interview on monday with a job that has pretty good pay. it's been months. it's been almost a year for my boyfriend being jobless. I really want to rub it in his face that I make money and i'm not putting up with his shit anymore. he needs to get his shit together.

[virtualdiary98]

what the fuck is marriage?.?

how do you know if you've found the one? THE ONE is fucking crazy to think about. how do you know? are there signs?

a few years ago I saw a post about how we only fall in love with 3 people in our lifetime.

the first love is the love that looks right. my first love hit me fucking hard. I was head over heels for this boy who didn't deserve my love, and everybody knew it; but me. for the love of god. speak the fucking truth. say what's on your mind. I dont get why that is so hard? if I genuinely thought that they would last, I would say something. if I didn't, I would still say something. I feel you're doing your friends, family, and lovers a disservice if you don't. my first love cheated on me, and to top it off, he didn't even have the balls to tell me. moving on.

the second love is the hard love. my second love wasnt that hard. but I will say he checked all my boxes but one; career. my family loved him. I should have taken it as a red flag when he told m his longest relationship was 6-8 months long. we lasted about 6 months lol. it hit me hard though. it had been about 3 years since my first love. I thought we would last forever.

the third love is the love that lasts. im currently in my third love, and I think we are still going through our honey moon phase a year and a half into our relationship. we have our fights, but he is very patient with me. it is a very refreshing feeling. he is so amazing to me. I adore him, even his flaws. even when it gets tough. even when we fight. we are each others third love.

the catch is, I met him through my first love. they were friends. when first love cheated, my third love dropped him and we became really good friends, for about 6 years. within those 6 years, ive hooked up with a friend of his, and kissed one of his best friends at one of his new years parties. can we ever get married? is there still a future for us? he still sees and talks to these people and I can't help but feel uncomfortable. he was also in relationships while we were friends and he stopped talking to me because his gf didn't like me. why was it so easy to drop me, but not easy to drop them?

[virtualdiary98]

am I wrong?

so there was this one day where my boyfriend invited me to his friend's birthday dinner. she (let's call her julie) was bringing her boyfriend (let's call him nick) whom she first started dating, to introduce to my boyfriend and his other friend(let's call him eddie), and well me I guess. dinner was fine I guess lol nothing special. julie and nick were talking about the rides at disneyland because he was taking her for her birthday. we were all talking about the rise of the resistance ride because it is arguably one of the best rides at disneyland. my bf says "Yeah megan always says she can work there because she's mean" .....? HUH I never said that. I said I can see myself working there because they wear all black and I have a really bad RBF. not because im mean lmao like how rude to say that about your girlfriend.

anyway, after dinner we were going to my boyfriends house for a fun little game night. we get to his house (my car was already at his house) and im grabbing a jacket from my car and he's like "I knew you would leave early, that's why you wanted to drive here" I was like... just grabbing a jacket lol

We started to play family feud which was really fun. there was 5 of us so we all took turns being the host with teams of 2. after family feud, my boyfriend suggests, "let's play mario party!" ... mario party is a 4 player game. guess who my bf didn't give a remote to? me lmao. also, the seating arrangement was the icing on top of the cake. eddie and my bf are sitting on a two seater couch (a couch that my bf and I are always laying in) and then julie and nick are sitting together and I am OFF TO THE SIDE while they are all playing mario party.

I felt awkward, uncomfortable and out of place. if it were me, I would have kicked my friend eddie off the couch and had me sit next to him, but no. he proceeds to play while im sitting off to the side.

I got up and said that I was leaving and I wished julie a happy birthday and said it was really nice meeting nick. I told eddie I hope he has a safe flight back home and I told my bf I would see him tomorrow. and I left slamming the door behind me.

after about 2 minutes he meets me outside. he asks, "why are you so upset and why did you slam the door?" I said, "why am I sitting so far away from you. why am I excluded?" he said "well you could have asked eddie to move" ????? why the fuck would I do that, YOU should ask YOUR friend to move so that your girlfriend can sit next to you. I couldn't believe what he was saying so I got in my car and left. I know I should have stayed but how fucking humiliating. I could feel my anxiety about to blow through the roof. I was so hurt and pissed.

Was I in the wrong? because again, he got so defensive and said that if I wanted to sit next to him I should have said so. and said I shouldn't have been mad because he was going to have us take turns on his controller! how sweet of him. I was FUCKING pissed.

anyway let a bitch know if she was wrong. I need to be humbled and put in my place from an outside perspective.

[virtualdiary98]

STAY HOME WITH ME BUT NOT RLY

I don't fucking know why im like this. whenever my bf goes out with his friends, and he's already with me, I get upset... and I visibly show it. I just find it rude like if we are hanging out, and he's like hey I'm gonna go hangout with ____ bye I love you

im like? ok bye lmao I thought we were gonna do x y z today... but never mind. I get so saltyyyyy for whaaaat. like I want him to have fun with his friends. I want him to be included and stuff but when he's with me and he leaves me to go hang out with his friends im like? ok

idk why im so petty lmao send help.