viscious-triangles

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Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.

Kate Jacobs / Comfort Food

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Is fall almost over already?? I could really use the dopamine back thanks.

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She sat at the back and they said she was shy,

She led from the front and they hated her pride,

They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance, They branded her loud, then were shocked by her silence,

When she shared no ambition they said it was sad,

So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad,

They told her they'd listen, then covered their ears,

And gave her a hug while they laughed at her fears,

And she listened to all of it thinking she should,

Be the girl they told her to be best as she could,

But one day she asked what was best for herself,

Instead of trying to please everyone else,

So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees,

She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves,

She spoke to the willow, the elm and the pine,

And she told them what she'd been told time after time,

She told them she felt she was never enough,

She was either too little or far far too much,

Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak,

Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek,

Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs,

And she stopped...and she heard what the trees said to her,

And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave,

For the forest said nothing. It just let her breathe.'

- Becky Helmsley

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Don’t let the aesthetic fool you. The cigarette coffee combo just makes for a good shit

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It’s so crazy to me that people tell me I’m too much because I fr feel like a literal fucking nothing

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“I notice you, I want to say. Even when no one else does, I do. I will.”

— David Levithan, Every Day

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You ever choose not to smoke a bowl because you’re raging and you just don’t want to kill the rage?

It’s like I know this one bowl will solve EVERYONE’s problems but fuck everyone because today I wanna rage

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Everyday is a different day of different things and different emotions and I need you to understand I’m a different person. I change. A lot. From time to time. Month to month. Day to day. Hour to hour. I’m not the same person I was earlier in the past and I’m not going to be the same in the future and I need you to be the type of person who likes to ride the rollercoaster.

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I don’t exactly wish to be dead

I’ve contemplated suicide don’t get me wrong. But I know I’ll never actually do it

I do hope tho that when I do die I stay dead

Idk that freaks me out too thinking about all the people that will be gone forever. That I’ll never be able to spend an after life with.

But like come on I did my time

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Mmm I love how my has coffee immediately made me want to curl up into a little ball and cry this morning

🖤 After just one sip 🖤

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Game Shows Touch Our Lives by The Mountain Goats // Girls' Night by Malcolm T. Liepke

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“There’s nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

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So fun story (that I swear isn’t about depression just gimme a sec):

When I was in Jr. High I was mildly depressed. It’s weird for me to say I had depression at this time because it was such a mild version of what I’ve been dealing with these past few years and it just felt like such a shorter period of time. But at the time it was my first time experiencing the symptoms of depression and one of the things I really struggled with was sleeping. So as a Jr. High aged kid this was also the start of my coping mechanisms; and I had one that, looking back now, seems kinda odd and different.

To fall asleep I would find stories and then put myself in one of the characters point of view and live that characters life. It’s kinda like daydreaming to go to bed except I didn’t have to come up with anything to daydream about I could just take whatever life I found online.

The thing is, though, that all the stories I would look for were scary. Like really scary. I would search as far into the web as I needed to find the most terrifying shit I could. But very few of these scary stories were like horror movies and very few had monsters or ghosts or things like that in them. The scary stories I liked were ones that could actually be real. So it could have a “shadowy figure” in it but for the most part the scary thing was a human.

So I preferred to read about brutal murders, kidnappings, rape, torture. If it could actually happen it was easier to put myself into. And if it was a true story, with all the details, even better. Some nights finding something to read wasn’t enough so I’d find pictures or videos on top of it to really get the full picture.

Of course I always made myself the victim. I wanted to be the one who was left to slowly bleed out. The person tied down and branded. Or even just the weak small person getting punched in the face repeatedly. (By someone wearing big, sharp rings of course).

And as I imagined these horrifying things happening to me I would curl up in a ball and fall asleep. (Sometimes on the verge of tears lmao)

And that’s how I’d go to bed every single night.

Now almost 10 years later my love of torture has developed into a fetish.

So yeah I like to still read these things now, just for a reason other then scaring myself to sleep.

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I mean all the time now but same

I only smoke cigarettes every once in a while

But when I do I gotta smoke two

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