vitriol-n-violets

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You once complained that her new husband should have to pay part of the child support for your children, the ones that he takes care of now. Yeah... that really should have been a red flag for me. Instead I proceeded to make myself absurdly vulnerable to you using me for multiple thousands of dollars. You're entitlement to everyone else's money is what lost you all respect in my mind. What an absolute leech you are.

Some moments I identify with the comment to the original statement above. Not this moment.

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Still processing...

"The kindest thing you ever did for me was force me to run from a miserable future with you. I loved you so much I would have kept trying. I would have drowned trying to save you."

^Evidence that I'm still grappling with the concept of seeing you for what you really are.

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How I felt about you is what makes me miss you. I loved you so much. How I felt about myself when I was with you, that's what I've avoided acknowledging. Those were the feelings that led me into the deepest depression of my life.

It's a massive shift in perspective. How people make us feel is usually the afterthought. How we feel about them is the topic of conversation. Holy shit is it an important shift to make though.

It's still early days, I think my feelings about them are still very much forming. I think there's a numbness there too, you're still pretty fresh on my mind. The unhealthy way my vision of you drowned out my own needs is hard to shake. My feelings about them are in no way bad, it's just early.

But the way they make me feel about myself, holy fuck. It's so positive that I don't trust it. It's only been a minute, but the feeling has remained consistent. If this is what healthy feels like, I'm sold.

These feelings are embers slowly and consistently warming me. With you they were sparklers, intense, flashy, but short-lived. We had to light another and another and another but never got warm.

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What even was that?

Chemistry? Love? Obsession?

I know what it wasn't.

Healthy. Equal. Stable.

Being seen and cared for at a level you were incapable of is like an out-of-body experience. Our depth has already been surpassed. I'm at the edge of an iceberg realizing we had an ice cube.

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10 posts!

My achievement for rage writing. Better than mainlining I guess.

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Self Sabotage

When you're not right in front of me my brain tries to remember only the good stuff. Or at least the not most awful stuff.

Were we trauma bonded? What was the trauma? Hating each other?

I miss a person who never existed. I've done this before. How is it not any easier? Going to court was like a slap of reality. It righted my tilted view of that pos. It went on just long enough. ... Maybe...

I didn't feel the same way about anyone until you. Fuck you for that.

And now I don't see you to remind me how much about you I utterly loathe. To remind me how crappy you make me feel. Except in one place. But even that was failing. Wtf is wrong with me!?

Being around me is too hard for you. Why? Because you realize what you failed to fight for?

Being around you helps me. Forces me to try and stomach the endless stream of selfish words and actions. The feeling of being ignored unless I'm naked.

But you must protect your precious ego. So I'm forced to battle with my brain.

The brain that wants to sabotage what is at my fingertips. What is so much better than you could ever be. What is motivating and thoughtful and capable of infinitely more useful things than you have dreamt of. It's right there...

So get the fuck out of my head and let me be happy!

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Ambivalence

I'm pretty sure you're too stubborn and in denial to actually put in the effort to change. I don't think you'll ever be able to make a life for yourself or anyone else that is truly happy, healthy, and fulfilling. (Not even certain I can, but at least I'm trying)

I'm sad, because deep down I genuinely do want a good future for you. I have had such love for you that your suffering would still hurt my heart.

But it's also very fresh, and the petty side of me takes great satisfaction in knowing you are doomed to repeat this tragic cycle... if you're lucky.

You're so pessimistic, bitter, superficial, selfish, and broke that even getting into another serious relationship is going to require that person to be incredibly fucked up also.

I actually can't decide what would make me more happy in my evil petty heart. You being alone, or you feeling the pain of another woman not putting up with your shit.

So yeah. Ambivalence.

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He bends down and pets Dayah. Just randomly. It's such a small gesture, so kind, so human. Most wouldn't even notice. I do. Because you never did that. You lived in this house with her for 2 years and she just annoyed you. That was one of so many red flags I aggressively ignored. She annoys me too sometimes, much more when you were here because I was almost always in a bad mood. She's literally an innocent. A dog. Like kids, you found a way to demonize her. To be the victim of her intentional inconvenience or manipulation (at least in your eyes). You twisted the smallest joys in life, like the love from a dog, to fit your pessimistic narrative. You being the constant center of it. Everyone living around you being a player in your woe is me saga. Everyone's minds, you were certain you could read, were somehow pitted against you. Young children lived to manipulate you. Dogs to annoy you. The universe to make you the victim repeatedly.

We deserve better.

Even you deserve better. Deal with your trauma. Work incredibly hard and maybe you'll find true happiness. But that's not my problem anymore.

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THOUGHTLESS

You know how I know you're thoughtless?

I find myself interpreting your unintentional actions as being intentionally thoughtful.

I literally have to give you credit for a "thoughtful act" you did not thoughtfully carry out. It was a fucking accident. That's how desperate I am.

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My progress is bittersweet? Too little too late? I can understand.

But I'm not the one who goes on and on about doing exactly what they say they're gonna do like it's integral to who they are as a person.

Please tell me, what have you done!?

Listened to me? Barely

Read the books you say you will? Ha

Signed up for therapy? Oh no you have too many excuses.

Made couples therapy a priority? Lmao

You are the ruler of unkept promises. And to make it just that much better YOU DENY THIS!

It's my job to point out any of this, and if I don't say it just so, you won't understand. And when I do get it right, you've literally asked me why I haven't said it like that earlier. Like it's my job to be your own self awareness.

Oh and then you promptly FORGET THE CONVERSATION AND CONTINUE EXACTLY AS YOU WERE!

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Cons list: Obsessed with money. In an anxious way. Constant fear of not having enough. But bad at managing money. Raised privileged. Not generous. Not thankful. Making money comes before all else.