haley. officially dirty thirty. fangirl. loud mouth. lost soul. current obsessions: hidan, tobirama, exacting vengeance on those who have wronged me.
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this past week, i lost a friend i've known practically my whole life to suicide.
admittedly, we haven't been as close since graduation, but we went to school together since we were 4. my graduating class had 18 people in it, if that tells you anything (fucked up private school, but that's another conversation for another day). after spending 14 years together, this man was someone i considered a brother. he was there for me during moments weaker individuals would have abandoned me, and he gave me so much hope and courage for bettering myself and overcoming my mistakes.
he is the first person this close to me that i've lost from suicide. and to be honest, it's the second hardest death i've experienced, behind my father's. as someone who deals with suicidal thoughts daily, it really hit close to home. i've fought hard for damn near 21 years to stay this side of the ground. now seeing the impact of losing someone this way, i'll try to fight twice as hard.
this post probably just sounds like rambling, but i say all that to say this:
you aren't alone. i don't know you, but if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm always here. there will be no lectures, there will be no judgment. only love.
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from this generator.
β close your eyes and hold out your hands. β β what are you smiling at? β β i canβt leave you alone for one minute, can i? β β was it you? did you do all this? β β i donβt know how you do this every dayβ¦ β β that is not an appropriate question to ask a lady youβve just met. β β iβm not sorry. β β i did warn you not to trust me. β β do you remember anything? at all? β β youβre lucky youβre cute. β β why donβt you just kill me? β β did you hurt yourself? β β i could show you the way. β β i donβt feel so good. β β you owe me a dinner. a very nice dinner. β β donβt go. please. β β you wanna know what your problem is? β β iβm here to drink alone. β β donβt run away from this. β β iβm just saying, murder is an option. β β i didnβt realize you were in so much pain. β β i guess it runs in the family, huh? β β you wouldnβt understand. β β weβve been through a lot. i think we should just lay low and take it easy. β β dangerous to be out so late. β β i hope you havenβt been standing out in the cold this whole time. β β i made a mistake. β β am i not good enough? β β iβm going to get you out of here. β β why did you bring me here? β β arenβt we in a good mood today? β β donβt shut me out. please. β β the stormβs getting worse. β β i never meant to hurt you. β β youβre about as intimidating as a butterfly. β β have you come to laugh at me in my miserable state? β β here, take this. youβll catch a cold. β β this is the part where you leave. β β why are you talking like weβll never see each other again? β β you stepped on my foot! β β youβre not a very convincing liar. β β weβre in completely different leagues. β β how did you find me? β β i donβt need you anymore. β β rough day today? β β snap out of it! β β you look better in my clothes than i do. β β why are you still here? β β can i askβ¦ what happened? β β are you saying you care about me? β β i wonβt let anyone hurt you. β β itβs not stealing if it was mine to begin with. β β well, this is where i live. β β weβre not so different after all. β β how long have i been asleep? β β no more lies, no more secrets. β β can you forgive me? β β i thought youβ¦ i saw you get shot. β β why are you really here? β β i wish we never met. β β you look like you need a hug. β β would you run away with me? β β see? iβm not just a pretty face. β β we can stop them. i can help you. β β what now? iβm tired. β β i didnβt want you to see me like this. β β i canβt do this without you. β β if you tell me yours, iβll tell you mine. β β are you threatening me? β β did you ever care about me? β β treat me like the princess that i am! β β iβm not leaving you. β β why did you come? β β i need your helpβ¦ and you need mine. β β i wish i could hate you. β β i see you donβt recognize me. well, it was a long time ago. β β youβve lost a lot of blood. β β i had my suspicions, but until now i wasnβt sure. β β thereβs nothing left for me here. β β that isβ¦ literally illegal. youβre describing something illegal. β β wait. iβve heard that sound before. β β just try to hang on. β β so whyβs it so important anyway? β β iβll stay in tonight, thanks. β β we canβt keep going on like this. β β in about a minute, youβll be sorry you didnβt listen to me. β β is this seat taken? sorry, itβs a bit crowded here. β β you canβt leave me here alone! β β iβll believe it when i see it. β β why are you laughing? this is a very serious situation. β β i bought two. here. β β iβve seen you before, walking by. β β why canβt i come with you? β β c'mon. arenβt you worried what might happen if we go? β β walk with me? β β itβs very rude to stare. β β how many times have i told you? you canβt visit me here. β β we canβt fix this. can we? β β are you going to kill me? β β itβs not like you can stop me. β β itβs not safe for people to see us together. β β take me with you. β β some risks are worth taking. β β let them go. take me instead. β β what do you want in exchange for it? β β is being drunk an excuse? β β promise me you wonβt overreact. β β how can i possibly trust you? after all youβve done. β β how long have you been standing there? β β why did you wake me? β β iβm not here to talk about my feelings. β β you were going to leave without saying goodbye? β β for some reason, iβm attracted to you. β β promise me? β β itβs nothing, iβm just tired. β β i feel safe with you. β β i donβt need your help. β β i think i have a bit more experience with this thing than you do. β β no way, iβm not doing that. β β i do care. β β you snore in your sleep. itβs adorable. β β i have a spare bed. β β youβre very kind. some day itβll get you killed. β β youβll always have a home with me. β β of course i care. youβre my family. β β you shouldnβt insult people that are bigger than you. β β i never wanted to hurt you. β β i swear it wasnβt me. β β we can just sit here, you donβt have to talk. β β did you miss me? β β this isnβt just about you. itβs about whatβs best for all of us. β β you can never admit when youβre wrong! β β is this what you wanted? β β what are you doing out here by yourself? β β sorry to put you through that. i guess i owe you one now. β β the only time you talk to me is when you need something. β β iβm still learning. β β if you have something to say, spit it out. β β youβ¦ donβt like me very much, do you? β β iβm on your side. β β i risked my life for you! β β whatever youβre going to ask, the answer is no. β β you can stay with me. β β i just need time. β β please donβt do this, donβt act like you care. β β who the hell invited you? β β what? no witty remark? nothing clever to say? β β i just wanted to say iβm sorry. β β think of it as a compliment. β β do you ever stop being so serious and dull? β β itβs rare to see your kind around here. β β you remember me. thatβs good. β β youβre a terrible flirt you know. β β are you kidding me? weβre not βfineβ! β β right now i wish i was dead. β β i guess i shouldβve told you. β β youβre not alone. iβm here. β β youβve been so quiet. whatβs on your mind? β β knowledge is power. β β you scared me. β β well, whatβs so strange about that? β β donβt look at me like that. β β i want to be there when you get whatβs coming to you. β β just who do you think you are? β β you lookβ¦ amazing. β β weβre safe, arenβt we? β β you know, i really hoped iβd never see this place again. β β donβt touch me. get away from me. β β i thought youβd like this. β β itβs too dark, i canβt see anything. β β whatβs that smug look for? you think you can do any better? β β who did you piss off this time? β β you shouldβve thought about that before you got into a fight. β β i only wanted to help. β β you knew and you didnβt tell me? β β you donβt scare me. β β wow, look who remembered my existence. β β change isnβt easy. β β why did you help me? β β why do you hate me? β β i canβt even trust myself anymore. β β i was making sure you werenβt dead, since you never called. β β you look awful. what happened? β β are you here to kill me? β β you know you arenβt allowed in here, right? β β was that a friend of yours? β β two years later and you havenβt changed. β β you look like you just saw a ghost. β β nobody tells me what to do. β β youβre too scared to do it, arenβt you? β β come on. it canβt be that bad. β β i hope to repay your kindness someday. β β just let me do this for you. β β why were they coming after you? β β how many people have you killed? how many? β β how much do you value your life? β β you donβt know when to give up, do you? β β donβt lie to me. β β iβm not sober enough to talk about this. β β have a drink with me. β
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the more i try to explain gender to cis people the more i understand plato's allegory of a cave
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hey there! i just found your fanfics and love it. are you still taking ao3 requests~?
aww thank you so much βΊοΈβΊοΈ i'm very glad you've enjoyed them! i am still taking requests, but it may take a while to get around to posting. i have ADD and a lot going on at the moment. but please let me know what you're wanting and it'll be next on my list!!
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βThey try to save the world, but villains are the ones who change it.β
Happy Birthday, Eva @hokusu!
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