vloidunderscore42 - Tumblr blog

[vloidunderscore42]

Time

Friday, November 20th, 2020

2:07 AM

What even is friday lol. Like, I know in theory it is friday, but for me, who spent like 9 hours of yesterday sleeping, it still feels like thursday. And then I'd go to bed and wake up tomorrow and only then will it feel like its actually friday.

Also, when I was little I used to go to bed at 22 and 00 felt like such a distant time. Nowadays 00 feels like the new 22 and 2 am is more fitting for a late hour. Or at least that's what I used to think, but look at where I'm at, its 2 and I can't sleep.

Another thing on my mind is how fast time flies by. Like, besides the long aspect of time like "damn I'm not 7 anymore wow", I feel like I can barely remember many details before 2018. And when I look back at 2020, where the fuck did it go? Its november, in literally one month I'll be stressing about christmas presents. That's just weird thinking about all the things I did last two years and all the stories I have (sort of).

I miss my friends a lot, I actually started going through some old stuff, and there I found a promise I actually forgot to keep.

I kinda wanna start dieting and getting back in shape but its so hard and I don't know why. I always say "tomorrow its gonna be the day" but it never is.

I'm sure I actually have more things to share but I'll 'maybe' do a follow up, tomorrow? Sleep actually managed to catch up with me

Goodbye, and take care

2:19

Song:

[vloidunderscore42]

Something I wrote two years ago. Weird how much I've changed mentally, I used to be so confused which lead to me being sad, but I'm glad I'm able to say I matured enough to control better than I used to. 14 year old, broked hearted me, to you, dear reader:

I digress

I want to take this second to apologise

My reasons weren't calculated,

Didn't take time to illustrate it,

In my mind, it was contemplated

But now that i meditated

On all of the things i have stated,

My brain was dehydrated

Its complicated.

I apologise.

Still wanna say,

I don't know how much I'll suffocate

the fact that you didn't alleviate

My mind is thinking, a dangerous act

I'll tell you, all three of you,

I love you all, but i am simply scared

Of what he just said

Just three nights ago,

But can we move ahead?

I like to think he didn't lie,

Though why wouldn't I apply

The same rule to me, oh, why?

Because i'm not afraid to tell my piers,

False things to induce them tears, no

Back to my fears...

I'm afraid that i'll cry and that she won't...

I'm afraid that he lied and and now I can't...

I'm afraid that he'll die and I won't cry...

I'm afraid of the thoughts he planted up my brain...

But still...

I wish i could know if he's lying

I wish i could love him like i love her,

I wish she could love me like i do,

I wish i could stop when i should.

But then again,

I will stop, yeah i'll stop.

I digress.

[vloidunderscore42]

Moon

The moon is so stunning tonight

Its 3:57 as I'm writing this post

I wish you could see it, but in a way, you'll always see it, if you understand me

It always feels good to have someone that understands you

I would send you a picture of it, but my phone's camera is pretty bad

Its 3:59 as I'm finishing this post

4:00.

[vloidunderscore42]

My Wall

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Its been more than a year since I've last posted. Hello again, Tumblr

I wished for a couple of days at least to come back here, but I don't know why. I used to believe this place was a safe place where I can hide my thoughts, but that's just plain stupid. Its open to the whole world to see, like, hey everyone www.tumblr/user/vloidunderscore42 or whatever, that www stands for world wide web. Everyone can see you. Its not like you have this wall around you or anything. And I knew it, it was really more of a way to catch someone's attention when I didn't know how. And the posts are pretty sad. This is sad, imagine, trying to get someone's attention by being sad and waiting them to feel some sort of pity? I'm just glad I'm over that.

I started skating, my songwriting is getting better, my guitar playing is the best it has been since I've started, my cooking is improving, thats the things I should concentrate on, not whining for no particular reason.

I picked up photography, and I wanna start creative writing again, and I think I'll do that more often here, like, that descriptive post "she" or "her" can't remember, and another one with a photo of something in the dark. Damn, its been a while, can't even remember what I was posting.

I'll also do some more of those thought mash ups with quotes and such, like one I did some time ago, can't remember which one it was, but I quite liked it.

Song of the day:

Take care :)

[vloidunderscore42]

Aerials

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

This way of me writing stories and how I feel and all that stuff, its very self centric, but I won't get into this subject that much

Yesterday I went to the mall, with a friend of mine, I had fun. Got this floral shirt, another black and yellow shirt, a yellow tee shirt, a very comfy pullover and a CD, Toxicity by System Of A Down. My friend got herself a tee shirt and a floral shirt, I believe, and she also bought her father a birthday present, Hardwired To Self Destruct by Metallica, I think. I may be wrong tho.

I wanted the whole day some sort of caffeine in me. Didn't get any aghhh

Its funny, I kept telling her to get like these 2 shirts, a black floral shirt, reminds me of Tyler Joseph's kimono, and a Mr Potatohead tee shirt. Lol, potatohead

Then the rain started, we were under a umbrella waiting for the bus, that part was also pretty funny. After we got in the bus we headed home, and we were pretty close, we hugged the most of the way back home.

Idk, there's something about her smell, and even more, her sudden moves, like the way she sometimes smiles, the random hugs, the way she clenched my arm when we were hugging, its making my stomach sink, goosebumps everywhere, hard to explain but I'm sure everyone knows the feeling.

Then we got home, met with another friend and started listening to a couple Twenty Øne Piløts songs. I really forgot how good My Blood actually is, like damn.

Then I reached my place, loaded up some hoi and listened to the album

Overall, yesterday was fun

Life is a waterfall, we're one in the river and one again after the fall, swimming through the void, we hear the word. we lose ourselves but do we find it all? -Serj Tankian

Songsssz: Aerials - System Of A Down

Toxicity - System Of A Down

My Blood - Twenty Øne Piløts

[vloidunderscore42]

Ozymandias

Tuesday, june 11, 2019

I started to despise seeing the blank page of Tumblr. It gets me feeling weak, like a crybaby, waiting for attention of sorts.

"No one is afraid of heights, they're afraid of falling down. No one is afraid of saying I love you, they're afraid of the answer."

Kurt Cobain

I'm not even sure I know how, or where to start, I haven't posted for so long, just didn't feel the need to, or actually, I did, but I just wanted to ignore it.

Exams are to come in 7 days, first I'll have to take the romanian language exam and then the mathematics exam, I hope for at least a 9/10, but I can never be too sure.

"Forever isn't for everyone, is forever for you? It sounds like settling down or giving up, but it don't sound much like you girl"

Alex Turner

Love, such an irritating subject. I got this girlfriend, mainly to get my mind off someone who I tried something with, and didn't quite work (neither did 'getting my mind off of them', but nevermind), yet she wasan't even into me. Imagine trying to give someone space to get them comfortable with you, try make something work, and they don't even acknowledge your existence when you're near them. I just couldn't keep pushing, and not only that, I didn't want to.

I'm just so sick and tired of caring for people I find it easier to make them hate me, and settle down with some 'friends' who don't care that much about me to actually get mad at me. Didn't plan it to go like this, but once I saw it start, I didn't stop it, can't really see the point. All I'd do is hurt myself more and more, and annoy others on the long term. Short term annoyances and relationship degradation. Sounds like 'fun'.

Ozymandias

Percy Bysshe Shelley

I met a traveller from an antique land, Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand, Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed; And on the pedestal, these words appear: My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

Ozymandias, a term I usually use when I think of relationships. Its a tale of perspectives. It tells the story of a long fallen king told through the perspective of a traveller to the poet, which then tells it to the reader. It's also very indicative of failure and something turning into ruins. I liked to use it as "yeah, our relationship is turning into an Ozymandias relationship", but its only something I get and no one else does. Now I don't really use it anymore, cause it feels like some sort of attack.

"Nostalgia is the hearts way of reminding you of something you once loved. It travels in many forms, on a song, in a scen or in photographs. But no matter how it comes to you it will always have the same bitter-sweet taste."

Ranata Suzuki

I feel like I'm rotting from the inside, and I've felt like this the past like 2 weeks. I just don't know what to do. Its like you see a nurse giving you cyanide instead of water, through your IV, yet you're too afraid to tell her she's doing something something really dangerous and should stop, cause she's the expert, so you just sit and let her poison you.

Its been so long, I just don't know what other things I should add, so I'll continue with the songs (more, cause lots of time passed)

Snap Out Of It - Arctic Monkeys

Entice Me - Colourblind

Haat De Stank - Demob Happy

Cleric Girl - Sisyfuss

Cornerstone - Arctic Monkeys

Goodnight.

[vloidunderscore42]

Wheat Field with Reaper and Sun, 1889, Vincent van Gogh

Medium: oil,canvas

[vloidunderscore42]

Friends, I guess

Thursday, 25 April, 2019

I really think I'm fucking up every single relationship that I have. If I have old friends, I feel like they all are just getting tired of me. If I have new friends, its just a matter of time until they find out why they shouldn't have said hello. No one is actually saying goodbye, maybe they're just way to friendly to, but I can kinda see where their intention is going towards. "You're kinda weird, so I'll just say goodnight instead of hurting your feelings, cause idk, empathy."

"I love you", fuck knows what love is anymore, everything is so confusing and the wait is killing me.

Way to many people in my town know me. They know my name, they know my face, even after the slight changes I had past the years and they come and say hi. I can't even remember their faces, let alone their names.

Everything is just so

Ozymandias

At least today.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Why wouldn't it be?

I was supposed to go at my grandma's place.

Supposed to.

Song of the day: Getting Naked, Playing With Guns - AJJ

[vloidunderscore42]

Honey.

Monday, 22 april, 2019

Honey. What's honey to me? Its something sweet. Its something nice. Its something lovely. Today I stare at yesterday's honey and I see poison in it. It seems fake at times.

Today, I see sugar. Sugar. What's sugar to me? Its something sweet. Not as nice as honey. Its good. But as I think more and more about today's sugar, I see its salted sugar. I'm still trying to swim in yesterday's honey, but all I see is salted sugar and a drop of honey (that "online" label that still keeps ticking my nerves). I'm so confused and I grew scared of honey.

Tomorrow never comes.

Today is always.

Yesterday never leaves.

Song of the day: Chop Suey! - System Of A Down

[vloidunderscore42]

Coward

I'm a dumb coward. Scared to say stuff I shouldn't be scared to say. Its just. Trauma? Like, I know what's g

Nvm

Song of the day: 505 - Arctic Monkeys

[vloidunderscore42]

"Dying while anxiously staring at tomorrow, cursing today and swimming in yesterday's poisoned honey."

[vloidunderscore42]

"You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways."

-Chuck Palahniuk

[vloidunderscore42]

"This is your life and its ending one minute at a time"

Monday, 1 April, 2019

A long time passed. Lots of events happened to me, personally, none really notable to write here.

I want to buy a Fender Mustang.

I feel lonely, but at least I make others feel good and also, for some reason, I don't mind it as much as I would have a couple of months ago.

I feel really nostalgic about this movie, Fight Club, I haven't watched it in months, and I really miss those vibes. I want to watch it with a couple of friends. Here's a summary: An unnamed narrator meets on a plane a man named Tyler Durden. They start a Fight Club together and get stuck in a love triangle with Marla Singer, which proves to be more of a love line through an unexpected plot twist at the end of the movie.

Song of the day: Pixies - Where Is My Mind? Another song: Man of War - Radiohead

Also, I love you.

[vloidunderscore42]

Fly away. . . . #blackwhite #blacknwhite #blackandwhite #blackaesthetics #whiteaesthetic #black #white #grey #greyaesthetic #aesthetic #bird #birds #building #rooftops #sky #industrialdesign #fancy #photography #peisage #architecture (at Underscore) https://www.instagram.com/p/BvMt2UegPyz/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13ysbm5q702ax

[vloidunderscore42]

I'm so tired and confused, I wish I could sleep trough life.

[vloidunderscore42]

Boredom.

Tuesday, 12 March, 2019

The past couple of days have been a bit stressful. I had two exam simulations and I had to prepare, and now I have to make my homework for the rest of the week.

I was supposed to meet up with some friends, but weather kind of destroyed most of my plans. I have nothing fun to do today, so I guess I'll just stay home and write my homework. Homework is so useless and stupid. I'm bored.

I still feel a bit sad and lonely, but its manageable.

Song of the day: Teddy Picker - Arctic Monkeys

[vloidunderscore42]

"I was always afraid of losing you.

Sometimes I wonder if you were ever afraid of losing me."

-dyingful