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2023 in review

This year I feel a bit more mature and a bit wiser. I started exercising regularly/eating more mindfully and my brain/emotions are more regulated and stable, allowing me to find the stillness within more. I also understood more that I am responsible for my actions and my life, and focused on the practical, like cooking, making my room/house more pleasant (organizing/cleaning/decorating).

I am better about speaking up in situations where I am uncomfortable or disagree with someone or dislike what someone has said (I still have a long way to go like learning how to do this more gracefully/tactfully/productively...).

My tendency to be sharp/critical is still something to be mindful of, and I need to bring anxiety to my conscious awareness.

The cards advise me to be realistic and objective when making decisions, and that change, transition etc is always happening.

Overall, the reading is really positive about my year. I remember the burnout, exhaustion, the anxiety/fear, being overwhelmed and lost, regrets, reckoning with mortality. But it is nice to be reminded of the good. I'm grateful for how comfortable and enjoyable my life is, in an increasingly volatile and depressing world. It's a blessing to have the people and things in my life that I do. May 2024 be as good.

Notes:

What was this year about? Page of Pentacles (a card that I personally think represents me; also about learning/building a foundation for adulting; about potential/possibilities/realizing dreams)

What did I explore this year? Justice + Page of Swords + 4 of Cups (fairness, consequences of my actions, harsh reality, life moves in cycles, communication and the mind, introspection -- still working on the Justice lesson)

Tell me a reason to be grateful. 8 of Wands (having a lot of motivation and momentum)

What have I learned? 2 of Wands + 8 of Pentacles + The Emperor (making a decision when faced with a forked path, craftsmanship and precision, father figure/paternal energy -- authority, structure, protection, discipline, guidance -- 'Blue')

What did I let go of? Ace of Cups + The Tower + 2 of Cups (very interesting cards... not sure how this maps onto my life)

What held me back? Queen of Swords (Ti, embodying more qualities of independence, unbiased judgment and clear boundaries, and direct communication)

What was hidden from me? 9 of Swords (fear/anxiety driving me unconsciously/subconsciously)

What can I be proud of? Knight of Swords + 9 of Pentacles (Ambitious, fast thinking, abundance/luxury)

Last advice? 7 of Cups + 6 of Pentacles (make choices wisely + transition, change, letting go of the old)

[voyage-in-the-dark]

Reread the KD series recently and I think my typings were totally off. Kate is likely INTJ and Curran is likely ESFP. Alessandro and Raphael are probably ESTP.

kate daniels mbti

I reread the entirety of Kate Daniels recently. Also reread some of the Hidden Legacy books and other Ilona Andrews books. Here’s my mbti typings.

Kate Daniels - ESFP

Se and Fi are the two most obvious functions she has. Curran and other characters characterized her as loud-mouthed and reckless. She was a merc before she joined the Pack. And some of her decisions in the first few books were really very rash. Joining the Pack actually gave her a chance to mature. She could no longer blindly charge into situations because now her actions affected not only her, but a lot of other people. She’s very honest and authentic and her values and actions are always congruent. Some of the best emotional tension and stakes in the series comes when she couldn’t act in accordance with her values. Eg. in Magic Breaks, it was so, so intense and the stakes were very high because Kate, a natural protector, wasn’t able to protect her people. Her friends have always said that Kate is loyal, almost to a fault. If she accepted and befriended you, she was your friend for life, no matter what you did. She won’t give up on you. Throughout the series, Kate is always empathizing with people and she’s kind to them because of her empathy. She’s always taking in misfits. She’s also very physical. When she’s upset, she paces or fights or kills something. She’s constantly fidgeting and taking action. In fight scenes, she seems to often experience peak ‘in the zone’ moments, something that Se-doms/SPs seek.

I think the bigger question, for me, is whether she is an Fi-dom or Se-dom? I’m undecided because I can’t tell if Ni or Te is her inferior function. I’m leaning towards ESFP. Firstly, the last word anyone could use to describe her is ‘passive’ or ‘introverted’. She is not someone who could stand in the background and not do anything. She charges into everything. Her arc shows that she grows from a reckless, superficial and unthinking merc with a secret to hide, to someone who thinks before charging into situations, someone who is concerned with living in a way that’s true to her values and what’s right to her. Slightly supporting my ESFP headcanon is Erra’s last words and the ‘bad end’ for Kate - it shows a vision of her looking like a loose canon; a very powerful and reckless villain with no morals, wanting nothing more than the thrill of the battle. It’s also rare for her to really stop and reflect on the future or for her to have a strong sense of purpose (Ni). When stressed, she tends to want to lose herself physically (get into a fight), or kill the person who caused it. She doesn’t withdraw, wallow, or catastrophize, which tertiary Ni is more likely to do. Also, the way she is so persevering and tough reminds me of strong Te. No matter what happens, if it’s someone she cares about (Curran, her family in danger), she will not stop until she’s eliminated the threat. It’s hard to imagine an Fi-dom being so persevering. Her relationship with Curran also shows a bit of lower function compensation - she compensates for his weak spots (empathy) and he compensates for hers (ruthlessness, as Robert mentioned in Magic Breaks)

Curran - ENTJ

I think his mbti is quite obvious. He’s actually quite a stereotypical example of an ENTJ. Te-doms are often natural leaders and they’re often in positions of power in huge corporations or organizations (the Pack). They’re very efficient and effective at managing or leading. He also has no problem taking full responsibility for issues (very healthy Te), in being very tough-minded and fair, being able to put aside his personal feelings to get the job done (how he dealt with Hugh) and having a low tolerance for things that are trivial/waste his time. Ni is obvious in how he’s a long-term and strategic thinker. Eg. the way he maneuvers around pack politics and the way he uses panacea for diplomacy, the very groundbreaking idea to create a Pack. In the book after he leaves the Pack, he said he doesn’t miss the Pack, but he misses taking something very big and complicated and making it work better (very ENTJ) - which is why he started fiddling with the Guild. On a site note, Rogan Connor from Hidden Legacy is also ENTJ, although quite different.

Jim - INTJ

Stab in the dark. He is able to separate the professional and personal parts of his life quite well and doesn’t let personal feelings get in the way of getting the job done, e.g. Kate/the Guild vs Pack (TJ), he’s very much someone who lurks in the background, waiting for all the information before he acts (I), and NJ because he’s overly serious and intense and obsessive when pursuing a goal or when threatened. Also, he’s quite confident in his paranoia and Ni-Se/Se-Ni gives a person a hard edge compared to Ne-Si/Si-Ne.

Derek - ISFP

A guess. He’s a lone wolf - ISxP. He’s quite gentle and introverted. He’s often in the background and doesn’t involve himself in things unnecessarily. I’m very curious how he’ll turn out in the upcoming Ryder book. 

Raphael - ESxP

There are a number of Se-dom men in Ilona Andrews’ writing. Kaldar from the Edge, Alessandro from Hidden Legacy, Raphael and Ascanio from Kate Daniels… they tend to be really playful, sensual, doesn’t take anything seriously, and physically/sexually attractive. It explains why Curran/Rogan don’t like them, lol.

Barabas - ExTP, Christopher - IxFx?

Barabas has strong ExTP vibes. He’s mentally very sharp, does well in his position as a lawyer, he’s good at picking apart people’s arguments and exploiting agreements to find loopholes. He mentioned to Kate in Magic Binds that he really likes taking a problem, breaking it apart, and finding a solution for it - Ti. 

We don’t know much about Christopher, but from his demeanor, I suspect he’s an introverted feeler. He’s quite quiet and he’s very gentle.

Roland - narcissistic ENFJ with self-image issues

He’s a control freak and a megalomaniac who thinks he knows best. Whenever someone is a control freak, they are most likely a EJ and are doubling down on a loop, trying to control everything around them when what they need to do is stop and reflect. He likes to appear kindly and fatherly and goes to some extent to manage other people’s perceptions of him - what other people think of him matters to him (dysfunctional Fe). He is remarkably immune to logic and reality, even when evidence of his cruel and harmful actions are shown or told to him, he ignores them or twists them into something else that suits his beliefs (low S, low T). He doesn’t like imperfections and flaws and wants to bring about an ideal vision of the world, as seen in Kate’s conversation with him about beauty and craftsmanship at Cutting Edge in Magic Binds. He also always makes things of beauty and doesn’t like physical ugliness.

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2021

Another year that zipped by during the pandemic. Time has lost meaning. Anyway, I looked back at my diary and overall, this was a year I am proud of despite the ups and downs. The past few years have been good for me overall, despite the bad parts, despite the pandemic, because of how much I have grown into myself. It feels like every year I discover a new stage of growth and I discover deeper and deeper insights to myself. I'm proud of myself for always doing things that are difficult and challenging but that help me grow into a person I can be proud of.

I stopped therapy this year, said goodbye to some friends who returned overseas, I read widely, listened and watched widely, appreciated people whom I previously judged as judgmental (the irony) or whom I used to find too intimidating. I found my voice, try to advocate for myself more often than not, shifted an important friendship and got a new tattoo, learnt to unpack my codependency further. I reflected on my racism and ableism and on my privileges. I got to spend time with people I rarely had time with previously or assumed I had already understood or was too intimidated by in the past. I picked up new skills (arts and crafts) and developed existing ones (Japanese). I found a new job and realized how much of a good job I've done at my current one from the appreciation I've been receiving. I got through a rather horrible wedding! And I got something cool out of it. I experienced a lot of cool and new things I would have previously not been interested in or felt anxious about.

I travelled overseas and saw further evidence of my growth. Things that used to be a source of panic for me aren't anymore. I can be present in a group and I've begun to enjoy social and group things. I'm content being alone, instead of paralyzed and frightened. Most important of all, I see myself with increasing clarity. I don't know how else to describe it, but understanding myself better and better is a whole world to explore on its own, and it is something I am most proud of. And I am always grateful for my privileges and luck that have allowed me so many things.

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tattoo by @letterbefore.n and designed by kappanuki, inspired by this concept. left is a photo right after the session, right is a photo after a month.

i wanted a tattoo to represent how my skills and talents were something that i nurture and grow. i also wanted to commemorate something good that happened this year that was, to me, a momentous sign of my personal growth.

[voyage-in-the-dark]

love the theme song for the tgcf donghua concept album soundtrack so my sis and i attempted to translate it with full notes below the cut! 

信尔 xin er* by zhu zhengting

[verse 1]

从来好光景 最易摧折

All along, the best of times have always shattered the most easily.

几回梦中 欲醒不得

Wishing to awaken from countless dreams, yet you are unable to.

不肯拜金阁 知天道意相左

Refusing to bow to the golden pavilion, knowing that heavenly law and your desires are in conflict.

误把逸兴作悲歌

Mistakes turned your unrestrained boldness and unconventional grace into an elegy. 

有人无情殿 露水债多

In someone’s cold, merciless temple was a short-lived and debt-filled relationship. (1)

又或远赴来 是知者

Or perhaps, coming from afar, is the one who knows the truth. (2)

有人风沙城 前事铸成错

In the city of wind and sand, the mistakes of the past led to a calamity

多少因果堪不破

and the karmic cycle could not be broken. (3)

有人行过 惜花好颜色

Someone passes through; cherishing the beauty of the flower,

血雨不忍 偏伞来遮

he cannot bear to rain blood upon it, inclining his umbrella to shield it.

有人一念桥上 游外执剑逢魔

Someone stands on the Yi Nian Bridge. Traveling with a sword in hand, he came upon a demon

出一言未料福祸

and spoke a phrase, unknowing of the misfortune that would follow.

[CHORUS]

世间尚有 诸多寻常客

This world still has a great deal of ordinary people

心怀炙热 信尔传说

with hearts filled with blazing faith in your legend.

纵然满襟尘嚣 纵然颠沛沦落

Even though your heart is filled with chaos, (4) even though you sink into hardship and destitution,

未曾拜服坎坷

you have never bowed down to life’s frustrations and obstacles.

[verse 2]

Keep reading

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The hero, the princess - hand in hand - Must bring the light back to this land.

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age of calamity // breath of the wild // sequel

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there’s that one microsecond in ch 1 of AoC where he grabs her hand and she is shocked but follows anyway and ofc my brain hyperfocused on it and created an entire scenario of casual hand touches that just become normal

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discreet

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spring pilgrimage mood

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survivor

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Soulmates and harmony

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show me your devotion

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I had told him repeatedly not to accompany me. But he did anyway, as he always does…

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:D some of the Linktober I did these days. 

I hope I can finish 31 of them!! 

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The Kiss

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An assortment of Stricklake household moments + Troll Strickler doing mundane things because it gives me life.

Strickler gets his concept art fur cape because drawing that knife collar is a serious pain in the neck (heh). Notenrique finally gets pants because diapers are weird, no thanks.