w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

I can never find the right words to tell people what I’m thinking. Telling them I’m tired doesn’t work, but I can’t seem to vocalize that I’m mentally exhausted and sick of existing. Telling them I’m sad doesn’t work either, but I can’t explain that I’m struggling not to kill myself and that the joy in everything in my life is gone and when I wake up to the sun in my eyes, I have to struggle to get myself out of bed because most of me didn’t even want to wake up at all. I can’t tell them I’m numb because what I’m feeling is so much more complex than numb and I don’t have the vocabulary to tell them that I feel like I’m drowning and it terrifies me that I feel nothing as it’s happening, and that my insides want to scream but I can’t even find it in me to shed a tear anymore, that every single aspect of my life feels like it’s shaded in grey because all the colors were sucked out but I can hardly even remember what colors are because I can no longer remember a time I didn’t feel like this. No, I don’t know how to say that. So I just whisper “I’m fine.”

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

i appreciate that i can depend on you someone who loves me unconditionally that's all i could ever ask for.

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you.

Where you go I will go,

and where you stay I will stay.

Your people will be my people

and your God my God.

Where you die I will die,

and there i will be buried.

May the LORD deal with me,

be it ever so severely,

if even death separates you and me."

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

thank you

for being patient with me

and loving me

in the way that i understand

and for compromising

where it's needed

and for being compatible

in the finest of details...

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

"You wanna know the truth?" She laughed.

"Well the fucked up truth is that not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes people make the wrong decisions and they're forced to live with them for the rest of their lives. And I know I should live with mine, because I mean what other choice do I have? You can't turn back the clocks and redo things. You make a mistake and you pay the price, that's the cold hard truth about life.

You can't change a decision you've already made, wrong or right. But on the loneliest nights, I look up at the moon and I smile. Because although now we walk different paths, with different people and although I know that the years will pass and we will won't be together; I'll always remember that for a brief, fraction of a moment, against all the odds, our stars crossed. And that will always, always be enough for me."

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

cutting you off was like cutting off an arm

It hurt watching you fall from the pedestal youd been on for years

the "i need my mom" moments would arrive

and all over again id mourn you twice

on for grieving who you were and another for who you were never gonna be for me...

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

one day i'll be strong enough to accept that we ended a long time ago. i'll say goodbye to the version of you i fell in love with and the version of me that still believes it's not too late.

everything is different now the seasons are changing and

i'm beginning to understand that i can't keep holding on to someone who doesn't want to stay.

ill let go soon.

i'll give my heart a break.

i'll stop waiting for you to come back.

but i'll leave the light on just in case

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

dear mom.

I know you were hurt and betrayed

but why did you hurt me the same

I was just a little boy and didnt know

anything except that vour anger never changed

I needed you to guide me softly

not judge me harshly, If id been held

instesd of hit I know it all would have been different.

how am I supposed to be grateful to have survived

one trauma after another? they all couldve been avoided if i had a healthy mother

I hate myself for loving you so deeply: look at all the pain you gave me

you shouldnt hurt the ones you love,

I Was a child and i needed to be taken care of....

how many times do i need to forgive you before im guilty of breaking my own heart?

I owed you my life, so you took my childhood before it had time to start....

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

Ive survived and l am not stronger for it

I am not proud to wear the scars.

they are a reminder of the paid ive endured.

although my body has healed

my mind still bleeds like they are fresh

people around me have become so tired of the same story and i don't even tell it anymore.

I wish they understood that im tired too

tired of pretending that im okay.

and that "time heals all wounds" (it doesn't)

the trauma literally changed my brain

overstimulated amygdala

underactive hippocampus

weak pretrontal cortex

I've survived and I am not stronger for it.

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

I NEED YOU

I thought that i didn't need you, but i was wrong. i needed you more than the oxygen I breathe

I needed you more than the water i need for my body to function.

i needed you more than the sustenance this world provides. i realised that my days aren't the same without you. grey clouds takeover without you. the sun doesn t shine without you, the flowers don't blossom without you, and the word stops spinning without you, I thought that i didn't need you but you've become an essential part of my life.....

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

Sea Glass Secrets

My children will ask about you

They will ask why your absence still gills your seat

at thanksgiving dinner.

They will ask why your absence shifts the conversation on christmas moming

I will cover the scars latched on my back

But I wont burden them with historic scars

from your neglect with a sweater.

I will wipe the tears stained on my face

from your addiction with my hand.

And then will tell them

But won't burden them with somowful tears.

I will tell them the truth.

The truth that you stopped trying

The truth that I was tired of trying.

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

do you think of me dad?

in the middle of the night when you cant sleep?

or have you gotten used to sleep without me

when you are out on a walk, and you see a father with his son, do you remember that you have one!

do you rearet all the time thats passed

and wish you could go back.

in the middle of the night when vou cant sleep.

do you think of me

dad......?

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

INHERITED HUINGER

the phone doesn't work both ways hecause he never calls, and a child should never have to beg their father for a relationship.

I am an afterthought, like an acquaintance he's lost touch with.

I am the last thing on his mind.

so don't tell me the phone works both ways to shame me into accepting his half-assed ettorts as a father

Ive called and called and called since I was a child, he never answers....

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

There used to be a time when I thought my parents were infinite.

That they would be around for the rest of my life and see me through every stage of life but that isn't true.

One day I'm going to wake up and they aren't going to be here.

I'll never smell my dad's cooking again or feel my mother's arms around my shoulders.

I won't get to ask them guestions

I have yet to learn the answers to and they will nolonger be just a phone call away from me or night down the hall.

I will have to grieve the loss of them one day at a time without my mom to tell me it's going to be okay or my dad l Iean on. I will only have memories and how is that ever going to be enough?

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

i spend a generous amount of time trying to convince myself that i am worthy of taking up space in a world that i find myself constantly needing space from

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

Lung Capacity

You died and I desperately need to tell you how it feels. I need you to hold me upright while I show you this hole that exists now in my heart and the emptiness that swallows my soul. I need you to hold me while I cry out for you, and scream at God for an answer I already have but refuse to accept as a reason.

You have died and you are the only one who can get me through it.

[w-ords-l-eft-u-nsaid]

Eternal Love Notes

i adore you in ways you don't realise,

The way you love and care for others.

the way you are altentive to every issue

the way you stay composed through hardship,

the way your soul lights up the world.

the list of ways i adore you is endless