wandering5280milesabovesea

[wandering5280milesabovesea]

I’m in such a dark place right now.

This feeling is awful.

[wandering5280milesabovesea]

Venting session

Colorado is covered in snow, and I’m not quite ready for this part of the year.

Slow drivers, dumb drivers, bad tires. You name it, Colorado has it.

Anyways, I’m not here to talk about the snow, I’m here to vent a little.

Side note: If you don’t wanna hear my sob story, don’t read any further. 

K. Thanks.

Life has been up and down lately, with more downs than ups.

I’m trying REALLY hard to remain positive, trust me.

This morning I took an hour long shower.

15 of that was washing myself.

45 of that was sobbing from being so damn overwhelmed.

Life has been throwing me so many lemons, I don’t even have the time to make lemonade.

I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and I’m not making any progress.

I feel like I’m the only one trying in 98% of my friendships/relationships and it’s fucking draining.

I think back to how my life was a year ago today, and honestly I’d take that life back. It was chaos and I didn’t know where I was going, but it was a simple. Life was simple compared to the shit-show it is now. 

I’m suffocating.

I don’t feel like I belong here.

And that is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt.

I cried in the shower this morning for 45 minutes while my boyfriend sat in the other room.

In his defense he didn’t know.

But, he also doesn’t know because a large portion of my being overwhelmed is coming from him and what he has going on too.

And it’s not entirely his fault. ( honestly, I don’t really think it’s his fault at all, that’s why I keep my mouth shut)

But, when you live with someone that’s what happens right?

Their problems become yours and vice versa.

My boyfriends mom is very sick, she’s been battling multiple different things on and off for years.

This last year...

 A-fib, Pnuemonia, you name it she’s probably had it.

As my boyfriend tells the Doctors...

“The list of things she doesn’t have is shorter than the list that she does have.”

Her illnesses have changed our lives dramatically.

My boyfriend has always taken care of his mother, before me, and he will if there’s ever an after me.

He loves her and I can see that, hell I love her too.

But, its draining. And I don’t say that in a complaining I don’t want to do this type of way.

But, she has kept us up all hours of the night for the last two weeks from hallucinations...

Thinking family members are there, when they aren’t.

Thinking she has to get up and cook when she can hardly even make it to the bathroom.

You guys, my heart is breaking.

I’m watching this tear apart the man I love.

I’m watching him put his life on hold to take care of her. But she always did the same thing for him, so I get it.

My heart breaks because I hate seeing her like this, she’s never been incoherent like she has been this time around.

She’s currently in ICU, and last I heard she was doing okay.

But, I’m worried.

I’ve been told by people I talk to about it...

That if I am unhappy then I should just leave.

Then I asked myself that question probably about two thousand times over the last two weeks... am I happy?

I could come up with a billions reasons why I’m not, I could start firing off all the time times he pissed me off, and how none of this is worth it.

But, here’s the thing....

It is.

To me... it totally fucking is.

We’ve got a huge mountain to climb, and we honestly probably aren’t even halfway done yet, and that’s okay...

Because life isn’t suppose to be easy, and when you find someone who pushes you, someone who challenges you, someone who makes you want to be a better person.

You fight for it.

IF you really WANT something, you’ll do anything to obtain/keep it.

and...

that’s why...

I keep my feelings about him not being as touchy, or my feelings about him pulling away to myself.

Because at the end of the day, he still tells me that he loves me, and I can feel that he does.

I know all the things I want, all the attention I’m craving will come in due time.

He’s stressed and overwhelmed just like  I am.

But times that by 10.

You don’t give up when things get tough. 

There is a reward at the end of this long, dark tunnel.

But this man, I know he loves me. And I know DAMN WELL I love him.

So I’ll fight through whatever.

I’ll push. I’ll shove.

I’ll even cry my way through if it means at the end of this my life can start with him.

I’ve got this. He’s got this. We got this.

Sometimes you just need a little push.

If you read this far, thank you.

I just needed to let it out.

I plan on explaining more in my next blog which I am currently working on.

And, no I don’t know when it’ll be up, but it should be in the next day or two.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

XOXO.

Rebecca

[wandering5280milesabovesea]

Life sucks sometimes.

[wandering5280milesabovesea]

Sunday.

I’m sitting here staring out the window of a hospital with a cloudy view of Denver and fresh snow blanketing the ground.

Don’t take life for granted guys.

That is all. ❤️

XOXO.

Rebecca

[wandering5280milesabovesea]

One word. Anxiety.

When you hear the word anxiety, what do you think?

Crying?

Screaming?

Can’t breathe?

You’re not wrong, but for everyone you’re not right.

Anxiety comes in about a billion different forms, and everyone reacts differently and shows it differently.

I personally... shut down. I shut the world out and I during the worst of it am convinced I don’t need anyone’s help to get through it.

But the truth is...

I do need the help. And that’s okay.

Sometimes I want someone there to tell me everything is going to be okay, and other times I want EVERY SINGLE HUMAN around me to vanish and I just want to be left alone to sort out my thoughts.

You see.. anxiety isn’t always hyperventilating in the bathroom, or crying into your pillow. Sometimes it’s odd habits or knacks that you pick up and they come out when you’re anxious.

I bite my nails, like a mother fucker honestly, but it calms me.

I pace back and forth when I’ve been sitting too long because it makes me anxious to stay still.

But I cry and I scream and I hyperventilate too.

My anxiety chooses how it manifests itself in the moment, not me.

And I’ve heard about a thousand times, just calm down control it. It’s not that simple... and I know you can say that about a lot, but I will sit here and tell you until I’m blue in the face it’s the god damn truth.

Anxiety fucking sucks. I wish I could just wish it away, but it doesn’t work that way. I’ve had to learn how to work through it..

At school.

At work.

At events.

Even at places I was so excited to go too.

That’s another thing anxiety doesn’t have a schedule it comes and goes as it pleases; and that to me is what makes it the most difficult...

That is what makes it hard to manage.

Because when I’m in the middle of a 12 hour work day ( I have 3 a week ) and my anxiety so decides to kick my ass, I can’t let it control me. I have to take over. I have to push it away.

And that... just makes it worse. I spend my whole drive home crying it out, just to suck it up 5 minutes before I get home just so it doesn’t affect those around me, so that they don’t have to suffer too.

Because to me it’s not fair.

It’s not their fault you had a bad day, it’s not their fault you had an anxiety attack.

Asking for help, or a hug... okay. Yes. Do it.

But lashing out and being rude to someone who loves you and just wants to help, is not okay.

And you know what?

I am that person, and I’m working really hard on not being that person.

That person has pushed people away. That person has lost people who mean the world to them.

That person is NOT who I want to be.

But that’s who I am right now, and that’s okay.

Because it takes time and patience.

Patience with yourself to know you’ll get there, and the time to do so.

This is the first time I have EVER openly written about my anxiety.

Mental health is important.

You are important.

Everyone is important.

And anxiety, SUCKS.

XOXO.

Rebecca

[wandering5280milesabovesea]

New Tumblr...?

I never thought I would give up Tumblr, it’s honestly what helped me through some of the hardest things I’ve been through.

I gave up Tumblr about a year ago. Life got ahead of me, and I got really busy with work and decided it was time to hang up the towel.

And now a year later... I’m back; but decided I’d start fresh.

I didn’t think I’d ever return, honestly...

But, I’ve been following a girl on Insta for a few years now, she has recently shifted her Insta over to more of a blog. I’m sure a ton of you are familiar with...

Caitlin Fladager. If not... you should be.

She’s brutally honest about mental health and I love it.

So this BRAND SPANKING NEW BLOG is pretty much because of her.

So if she EVER see’s this in the sea of people that love and follow her as closely as I do, thank you so, so much for your honesty.

So I guess we can get down to business now?

This last year has been a little crazy... to say the least.

I moved out of my parents and in with my best friend and her boyfriend...

I wouldn’t call it a mistake, but it sure as fuck didn’t work out and I lost a life long friend in the process.

BUT... life happens, and that’s okay.

I moved BACK home (kind of?) with my parents. They were in the process of buying a house when I was moving in with them, but I was also seeing someone who I was staying with most nights anyways, so I pretty much agreed to pay them for storage. 

Things for me and the guy I was seeing (I guess I should say... still am seeing so you don’t expect an ending to that story somewhere in the mix.) 

So things between us got pretty serious... pretty quick. (we were friends before, and we just ending up clicking more than anticipated) 

I moved in with him to help him take care of his mom. ( Details aren’t necessary at this time, I want to ensure it’s okay to post about on a public level such as this before going into any detail.)

And things for us have been a whirlwind, we’ve been through hell and back ALREADY, but I do love him for everything that he is and all the happiness he brings me.

If you’ve never followed me before... which since I’m starting new is probably ALL OF YOU...

First of all... Welcome.

Second... I tend to have runaway fingers while I’m blogging and will just type and type and then I realize I’ve talked about 500 different things that aren’t even close to what the original post is about.

But whatever, right?

If you don’t like random tangents, then this isn’t the place for you.

Otherwise, welcome, take your coat off... stay a while.

I’ve got a lot of bullshit to come.

XOXO

Rebecca