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Eurotrip Part 2, The Dreamers

 Nothing's better than being in Paris and being in love. Especially if you are in love with not one but two people. And if one of those lovers is Thomas Jefferson. And if you are totally down with historical threesomes than man buddy is this post for you. 

Adams was called back from the Netherlands to Paris to help negotiate the peace treaty with the British alongside Benny Franks and John Jay. After a lot of back and forth that I know was important but i was totally bored by, they got that shit signed and generally everyone was happy. Adams was asked to stay to negotiate a commercial treaty with Britian because we needed their money like whoa. Abigail was pretty pissed about this because he had been gone for around 6 years or so and who can deal with not getting laid for 6 years? John was begging her to come over to him, but my girl for all her awesomeness was terrified of the ocean. It wasnt until adams got so sick he nearly died that she agreed to come to London with their daughter Nabby. Which frankly is the worst nickname ever, but she was kind of a fox, no?

Abigail dragged Nabby along because she was being wooed by this douche bro dude in Boston and it was starting to get serious. What better way to kill a young romance than to go to Europe. It's the old junior year study abroad, "We're just in two different places" trick. I imagine its especially effective when you've never even been out of your own state. The four adamses (john, JQA, Abigail and Nabby) met up in London and then traveled to a country house they would live in outside of Paris. And who should they hook up with in Paris than the one the only Thomas Jefferson, father of the declaration of independence and possibly some mulatto kids. This is where the threesomes start. 

Jefferson had been called to Paris to replace John Jay and possibly Benny Franks since he was getting old and the French had as much of a boner for TJ as they did for BJs. And the boner feeling was mutual. But not as mutual as the Adams couple. They loved hanging out and having dinner with TJ and talking about books with TJ and writing TJ and worrying about TJ's health which was not great. Abigail told TJ that he was "one of the choices ones of the earth," which I think in olden times means, "yeah my husbands totally cool with this." And honestly Adams totally was. After all the backstabbing and bullshittery of Franklin and the other dudes, being able to work with a friend was practically paradise. He and TJ and Franklin were working hard on creating commercial treaties with the countries of Europe, JQA was working hard on becoming the most well educated young american possible, and Abigail and Nabby were working hard on LIVING IT UP. It sounds awesome. 

But all good things come to an end, and that happened when Adams was asked to be the sole ambassador to Britain and Jefferson to be the sole ambassador to France. The whole family was super sad to leave France for dreary Lon-don Eng-a-land and even more sad to leave their broseph TJ. However, Adams was pretty pumped because he was officially the first ambassador to Britain from the country that clawed its way out of the British colonial womb.

In London the ladies were pretty bored because hello wouldnt you be too if you had just been dicking around marie antoinette's versailles and had to go to Crazy King George's court? talk about a royal downgrade. Every time the King met Abigail or Nabby at a royal reception he would just ask them "have you been for a walk lately?" I'm serious. they wrote it in their diaries. But all was not lost because Passy was falling in love with the handsome Colonel William Smith who was her dad's secretary. Wham Bam thank you ma'am they got married in london. and wham was there.

not really. George Micheal ages. i think.

but here is the best thing about the JA/TJ bromance abroad. THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING. they went on a little vacation together. and what did they do on their boys week away?  party hard? do coke off strippers? nope. they went on a

GARDEN TOUR.

Adams and Jefferson took time off from being ambassadors to the major nations of the world to travel together in a single carriage and traipse around the English countryside looking at gardens. Neither of them wrote much during their adorable adventure which is nuts because you practically had to cut off TJ's hand to make him stop fucking writing. So you know what they were probably doing....

Looking at topiaries. I shit you not this was a real thing that happened. and i'm going to leave you with this wonderful idea of our forefathers skipping through meadows and picking each other bouquets. BROMANCE CEMENTED. (you're welcome Adams and Jefferson shippers) (also, who are you and why would you be an Adams/Jefferson shipper?) (TJ and Alex Hamilton all the way)

[washingtonswig]

EUROTRIP

John Adams went on the most epic Eurotrip ever and all he got was this stupid tshirt. and the vice presidency. After spearheading our drive to independence he became one of our foremost diplomats in Europe for 10 years. He bounced around between France, the Netherlands and England, negotiating treaties and commerce agreements and basically ensuring that we were gonna make it after all. Just like Mary Tyler Moore.

Here's the sitch: we needed help. and we needed it from the french. so congress sends over Benny Franks, Arthur Lee, and this dude named Silas Deane to negotiate a french alliance. Well Silas Deane gets recalled due to "questionable conduct" which what do you expect with such a douche bag name, and Adams gets asked to take his place. It was a super important job and obviously they wanted the best of the best to go over and try and get our asses saved, but my dude didnt speak a lick of french and had never been out of the country. But Adams was like, "hell yeah i'll go and also let me take my young son because i want to make my son a baller and create the first american political dynasty." They endure this horrific crossing of the atlantic where even the sailors on the ship were like, "we're gonna die" and they finally get to a French port and learn that the treaty has already been negotiated. talk about womp womp. But Adams doesnt turn around, he heads to paris with little JQA and they meet up with Benny and Arthur who have not been getting along. Initially the two guys are sure that Adams will help not only with the French negotiations but also with the internal issues of the American commission. It does not work out because Benny Franks turns out to be TOTALLY DEVIOUS. He writes backstabbing letters to Congress saying that the French hate Adams and because everyone trusts a guy who electrocutes himself Congress recalls Adams and Lee and makes Franklin the sole US representative in France. And Adams says to Franklin, "thanks for making me waste a year and a half of my life in paris. we are never ever ever getting back together."

Like ever.

You would think that Adams would have had enough of this bullshit and would just want to stay at home in Braintree and bang Abigail. And you would be right. Except what Adams wants to do and what he feels obligated to do are two very different things. Adams is home for a few months, during which he writes the ENTIRE CONSTITUTION FOR THE COMMONWEALTH OF MASSACHUSETTS BY HIMSELF when congress decides he has to go back out to Paris and hang around the court just in case Great Britain wants to sign a treaty. yeah definitely  sign me up to just hang around a place i was humiliated at to maybe make a deal with guys i hate while my wife might be possibly having an emotional affair with this dude who is at least in the same country. SIGN ME UP. If there's anything that you should know about Adams its that he honestly put the country's needs first, so he and JQA and his other young son Charles get in a ship and head back to Paris. But on the way their ship crashes off the coast of Spain and they have to travel overland through the pyrenees to even get to france. Like a fucking epic  life or death quest situation but its dumpy Adams and his two young sons. It surprising that their story doesnt just end in the mountains in January with a donner party situation. side note, whenever you see a doner kebab do you think about the donner party? should i not be sharing this kind of thinking on the internet? I mean look at it.

Obviously they make it with all limbs attached and Adams gets to France and is basically  T.Swifting Ben Franklin like she did with Harry Styles at the Brit Awards. "i'm gonna sing this song about you, but I am NOT going to look at you and I will pretend to be cordial about you to the press." Even worse though Franklin turned against him again and made the French foreign minister Vergennes, a John Mayer kind of douche, refuse to deal with Adams at all. So he's over there again and is able to do absolutely nothing. Naturally Adams does what an self-respecting Euro-traveler does, packs his bags and his boys and goes to Amsterdam. 

Before the Dutch legalized it,  you should know that they made it rain all day son. "I love gollldddd" was not a kitschy catchphrase but the way the dutch actually greeted each other (not true) ((could be true)). Wars are very expensive deals especially when you have no way of creating revenue because congress doesnt want to tax people. Adams took it upon himself to go to the Netherlands and see if he could negotiate a loan with those gold loving, pilgrim hat wearing, canal swimming, bicycle riding, long haired protestants. It took some time, but he did it. all by himself. like a big boy. he aimed for the bowl, goal, and made it. 

by this time adams had been dicking around europe for a couple of years. in that time he helped negotiate treaties and loans and generally helped america not look like a little rascally nation that was all "girls, yuck," but like a nation that would sing 'L-O-V-E" with you at a talent show and maybe wear a tiny white tux. He was almost at a loss as to what to do next when the war ended and he was called back to Paris to finally negotiate the treaty he was sent over to take care of 2 years back. Except this time he would be joined by two very special guests who were totally ready to PARTAY ....

[washingtonswig]

Before He Was President, Part 1: INDEPENDENCE!!!!!!!

John Adams was a busy guy before he was president. I mean, Abigail got pregnant 8 times, so that's like 200 hours of non-presidential business right there. ( you didn't know John Adams was stud? now you do) Amazingly, he was able to fit in time for some other important pursuits, like, you know, leading the fight for independence.

So John is just kicking it in Braintree, being an awesome lawyer and makin babies with the love of his life. But the American colonies are  starting to get super pissed with its British overlords, especially my dudes in Massachusetts. The Brits keep doing dick stuff like taxing any sort of paper and quartering soldiers in civilians homes and a lot of  people think its total bullshit. Cut to a icy Boston night in March of 1770! A single British sentry is getting shit thrown at him by some jerk face little boys and drunk men. A couple of other soldiers come to stand with him and then some more little patriots show up and whammy! fight central. The Brits open fire into the crowd and kill 5 Americans. Including the man with the best name ever in American history : Crispus Attucks, a mixed race runaway slave turned sailor. Now, pretty much the entire city of Boston is ready to go ballistic on the British soldiers involved, but they were still willing to give them a fair trial.(isnt that nice? I feel like thats nice)  And who should be the one to choose to represent the soldiers but one Mr. John Adams, the foremost lawyer in Boston by this time. The most amazing thing about this is that even though the soldiers clearly shot into the crowd, and even though the public sentiment was entirely against them, Adams was able to get not guilty verdicts for 6 out of the 8 soldiers! And the other two only had their thumbs branded! i've burned my thumb on a stove before, its fine. i lived.

Since the Boston Massacre was such a bigfuckindeal and Adams became known nationally, he was elected to become part of the Massachusetts delegation to the First Continental Congress in 1774, and then again in 1775. Let me tell ya, Philly seemed like a pretty ballin place to be back then. (unlike now, Philadelphia, gross, the only good thing about Philly now is "It's Always Sunny")

All of our founding fathers were raging on the congress floor during the day, and raging at pubs around town at night. It honestly seemed like the honors dorm at my college except these guys had significantly less of their own teeth and could probably easily kill things with their bare hands. Anyway, adams, being the little overachiever that he was, was on just about a billion committees and typically worked 12-14 hours a day. If adderall had been invented by then i'm confident that he would have had us free from British tyranny within 24 hours. and then he would have passed out because he forgot to eat.

So from the get-go, Adams was the guy in congress who was always yelling: FREEDOMMMM!

He thought that British rule was idiotic and though he didnt necessarily think that war was the answer, he was not one of those little pussies who were afraid to put their ideals to the test. This is something the British knew, and when a set of orders leaked that included the names of people that should be spared if they were captured, Adams was not on the list. He knew that if he would hang if he was ever caught by the Brits and he still worked his pudgy butt off trying to get all the other congressional dudes to vote for Independence.

Over the course of a year Adams was able to talk pretty much everyone into voting for Independence, so he was chosen to help draft that most important piece of literature in the American library, the Green Lantern Oath.

If only! No, he and Jefferson and Benny Franks and two other dudes that history has chosen to neglect were on the committee that wrote the declaration of Independence. This was at the same time that Adams was serving on 26 committees, including the Board of War of which he was head. You know that girl in high school who played first chair violin and was student council president and volunteered at a nursing home and who was a member of the photography club, yearbook, and honor society? Adams was her except busier and louder and he probably ate his lunch instead of throwing it up in the bathroom like that bitch Kathleen. Needless to say, my dude got shit done and the Dec of independence was signed and then we were really startin to cook with some freedom-flavored gas. That's right, Britain was about to pull a Sylvia Plath and stick its head in the oven of American Independence.

too soon?

[washingtonswig]

John and Abigail Adams, 1764 Bonnie & Clyde

(John): All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend

(Abigail): Down to ride til the very end, it's me and my boyfriend

Do you know an adorable, made for each other couple of soulmates who finished each others sentences and shared an intense passion for spittin rhymes?

Hint: they did not build an arena in Brooklyn.

John and Abigail Adams are the ultimate success story of presidential marriage. I would even say that this is a factor of John's life that ultimately outweighed Washington in awesomeness. Quelle Surpise!

As I mentioned before John was into the wrong girls for awhile, and when he first met Abigail Smith in the summer of 1759 he was unimpressed. Probably because she was 15 when he first met her and 15 year olds are notably the worst age ever. (not a girl, not yet a woman...) He wrote in his diary that she and her sisters were neither "fond, nor frank, nor candid." Boy Howdy was he going to eat those words.

Abigail was the middle of daughter of the Reverend William Smith of Weymouth. The Reverend Smith wasnt rolling in dough like Scrooge McDuck, but The Smiths were definitely in a higher social class than the Adams. Little baby Abigail was very ill as a child and so was educated at home. She was super into reading and could quote whole poems and passages of Shakespeare from memory. But don't worry, she wasnt one of those insufferable know it alls...

She was always very cheerful and lively and it seemed that generally people really liked her, Adams intial impression notwithstanding.  Anywho, Adams kept coming to visit the Smith family because his buddy Richard Cranch was trying to get it in with Abigail's older sister Mary, and as he spent more time there he came to his senses. And by "more time" I mean, five years. FIVE WHOLE YEARS of courting this girl. His other lawyer buddy had cautioned him to not get married until he was settled into his practice, and Adams took that to heart. But jesus five years is a little extensive if you know that you're each other's soulmates and the likelihood of you dying of smallpox is about a 1:2 chance. I mean good for them for waiting but I imagine Abigail probably bugged out alot and cried to her sister when he didnt text her immediately back that maybe there was another woman and no one would ever love her and where is that pint of ye old ben and jerrys?

The upside to them not getting married immediately is that we have a bunch of letters that they wrote each other and they are adorable. He calls her his "Diana", the roman goddess of the moon, and she calls him "Lysander", the Spartan hero. Righteous. He once wrote that "my soul and body have both been thrown into disorder by your absence, and a month or two more would make me the most insufferable cynic in the world." She would start almost every letter "My Dearest Friend" and hold on a second I'm going to go throw up from cuteness.

Right so five whole years later they get married. Her parents were a little hesitant about the match because Adams wasnt really up to the social level they were, but clearly they let it happen any way because true love knows no bounds and fuck da police. or parents. She moved in with him at the family homestead in Braintree and for all her bookish upbringing she knew how to get her hands dirty. (take that statement as you will) She did literally everything, from her own sewing to butter-churning to baking; every day she rose at 5 am and just banged shit out.

Even more amazing is that she got along really well with her mother-in-law, since Adams' mother was still living in the old house in Braintree across the road. They saw a lot of each other and Abigail actually wrote more about his mother than John ever did. Rude john! It probably helped that within just about 9 months of marriage they had a grandchild they could take over to john's mother to distract her with. Baby Abigail, or Nabby arrived on July 14th, 1765 and according to her mother was the spitting image of her father. Unfortunate girl. Their son John Quincy was born two years later, and Adams started worrying about paying for college and clothes and all those other things you have to worry about as a parent. But through and through Abigail and John really fucking loved each other. She was his ballast in the storm of revolution and he was "the tenderest of husbands" and I am going to go watch Titanic and cry for hours.

Don't think you've heard the last of Abigail! She'll be back to kick some Tory ass. I promise.

[washingtonswig]

5 Ways Young John Adams Was A Lot Like You

And by "you" I mean a twenty something American. If you are not American, good for you for reading this blog, how's wherever you are? If you are older than 29, good for you for staying hip and having a tumblr, how's being old?

But if you are in fact a human being born in the mid 80s to early 90s in our great nation of E Pluribus Unum, than boy howdy will you be surprised at how much you have in common with John Adams.

1. He was Over-Educated

I know, I know, you can never "know" too much, but damn if it's mighty hard to reconcile 4 years spent in an ivory tower to the harsh reality of post-college. Adams had it even worse because his ivory tower was freaking Harvard, and he went there when he was 16.He's practically begging to be ill-equipped for reality.

The Harvard of Adams' time was not the Goldman Sachs Trader making machine that it is now. He was class of 1755, and there where 27 people in his class. His entire college class. My smallest class had 27 people in it, and that was a seminar on Toni Morrison. Coupled with the super strict schedule that started with morning prayers at 6 am and ended with evening prayers at 5, its a wonder that all of their cycles didn't sync. The food apparently sucked, you had to bring your own knife and fork, and technically no drinking was allowed. Though, oddly enough, they were allowed as much hard cider as they could drink. Adams like the cider so much that for the rest of his life he always had a glass of cider before breakfast. Told you he was like you!

Anyway, Adams totally loved college. He graduated 3rd in his class and during the commencement ceremonies argued  that "Civil Government was Necessary for Men." And you thought your commencement ceremony was long.

2. He Didn't Know What He Wanted To Do When He Grew Up

Adams dad wanted him to be a minister, but Adams really enjoyed debating and thought he should be a lawyer, but then he met a friend who was a doctor and he thought maybe he should be a doctor but then his mom was like, honey did you think about psychiatry, but all he really really wanted to do was to be a marine biologist.

The first 3 things were true. Adams was torn between what his dad wanted him to do, and being a lawyer. And as is wont to happen, the blur of indecision leaves space for even more ideas and so for awhile he thought about being a doctor. The thing was, in order to do pretty much any of this, he needed money. So he took a job as a schoolmaster in Worchester, MA for which he was totally untrained and unprepared.

Adams hated teaching, he enjoyed observing the kids (not in a creepy way, ew, stop) but the actual goal of teaching was not to his liking. He pushed through it enough to make some cash and hammer out what he wanted, which was in fact to be a lawyer. Cue reason #3 he's like you...

3. He Interned

In order to be a lawyer during that time, you needed to study under another lawyer for 2 years. And you didn't get paid to do that. YOU PAID. So it was kind of the worst internship ever because it was long as hell and you really didn't make any money. Adams did this lawyer internship with a dude named James Putnam. Did I mention that he was still teaching while he was doing this? Yep. He would teach the little monsters in the day and hang out with Putnam at night and get lawyered up. Hustlas gotta hustle!

4. He Was Super Self-Aware/Involved/Pitying

We know this because he kept a journal. It looked like this

No but really Adams had a gift for self reflection that is astounding. He was obsessed with chronicling his faults and limitations, and making grand statements about how he would be better. He charted every time he was depressed or anxious and frequently bemoaned how much his life sucked.  Direct Quote!

"I have no books, no time, no friends. I must therefore be contented to live and die an ignorant, obscure fellow."

Dramatic Irony, right?! Oh young John, it gets better!

5. He Chased the Wrong Girls

Good for you if you've immediately found "the one" and are married and yadayadayda whoop de frickin do. Most of us have to hit some real duds to get even close. John was no exception to this. After he finished his two years with Putnam he moved back home. Shit.

6. He Moved Back in With His Parents After College

Right so just like you. Anyway, once he was back home he started hanging out at Josiah Quincy's partyhouse in the middle of town. Quincy was the wealthiest man in all of Braintree, and he had a smokin daughter Hannah and her equally smokin cousin Esther. Apparently Hannah was a total tease, but Adams was totally into that kind of thing because we only really like what's bad for us right? So he's hanging around and really feelin this girl and one day is literally getting ready to propose when his buddy Johnathan Sewell bursts into the room with Esther to announce their engagement. SAVED!

I think this entire post is easily summed up in this photo:

[washingtonswig]

Happy Fourth of July!

Happy Birthday America! Thanks for the healthcare! Now, to celebrate go see Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

It's the best American film since...Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I'm serious. It's incredible. Mary Todd Lincoln and Harriet Tubman lead the Underground Railroad to deliver loads of SILVER to the union troops at Gettysburg. That's history for you!

Also, you should go just to view the splendor of Dominic Cooper's hair. It's almost as delightful as watching Abe split a vampire with an axe. almost.

[washingtonswig]

John Adams, A Boy Brainiac in Braintree

How's that for alliteration? It's also appropriately cute because young John had one of the most precious childhoods ever. Like Norman Rockwell painted his childhood and it was in the Saturday Evening Post and now you have an ironic Americana calendar with his youthful face on it.

I mean, his life was awesome if being raised by pilgrims is your thing. John Adams was the fourth generation of the Adams line to live in Braintree (I will seriously never get over the name of this place). The first Adams to come to 'Merica! was a Henry Adams who along with his wife and 9 children came during the great Puritan migration. I.E. that one true thing you remember about Thanksgiving. Because the King and general population of England was drinking the Puritan haterade and trying to get those wackadoos as far as possible from Big Ben. Off they went in their big black hats to build a city of God. Which for all intensive purposes was basically just Boston.

Now, being from Puritan stock is important in building our understanding of our little buddy J.A. These guys may have had long hair, but they weren't pussies about getting work done. In fact, they were constantly working. It's not easy to farm in Massachusetts, it's rocky and the weather blows and most of these guys weren't farmers to begin with. But they had to do it in order to survive, and in the winter months they would do their other jobs, like being a blacksmith or brewing beer. There was no "chill time" for the Massachusetts Bay Colonists, unless you literally meant "chill" time in which case the months of October through April were it. And they did it alone, without anyone to hold their hand. Being from this community meant that J.A. valued Industry, Virtue, and Independence above all else. J.A. once wrote his wife Abigail to "Let frugality and industry be our virtues," and in regards to his children to "fire them up with ambition to be useful." Definitely not a millennial.

John's parents were Deacon John Adams and Susanna Boylston, and they got married when she was 25 and he was 43. gross. Deacon John was just that, a deacon. He was also a farmer and a cobbler. Susanna came from a family with a higher social standing but it's been posited that my girl couldn't read. As a side note, "Deacon John" sounds like the name of a gang member. Like Michael K Williams is playing Deacon John in some tv series soon where he's the awesomely violent but super likeable supporting character.

J.A. didn't have much to say about his mom, except that he loved her. (aww) But he did look up to his Dad more than anyone else. Deacon John was his idol and inspiration. Double aww.

Ok we really need to talk about Braintree. Because right now whenever I think about it, it's basically just a locale for the Walking Dead.

But it wasnt like that at all! Braintree is situated on the post road that follows Massachusetts Bay between Plymouth and Boston, so you could see the sea from parts of it and other parts were wooded and it was just so fucking idyllic it would make you vomit. It wasn't a big village, during Adams' time it numbered about 2,000 people, meaning everyone was kind of always up in everyone's shit. The actual house where Adams grew up was a "New England saltbox" which is exactly how it sounds. A big f-in box with some windows. It had been built in 1681, had 2 floors and exactly 5 rooms. It would not be on MTV cribs. The industrious Adams family (insert Lurch or Uncle fester joke here) liked to maintain that frugality in all aspects of life. One member of the Adams Family (was it Wednesday or Pugsley?) said that "A hat would descend from father to son, and for fifty years make its regular appearance at meeting." Anna Wintour would not be impressed.

Exposition established! In these quaint surroundings John's first 15 years of life "went off like a fairytale," (his words). His dad noticed from the get-go that young John was extremely smart and deemed that he would go to Harvard come hell or high water. Sounds like some parents of the asian kids I went to high school with. John was taught to read at home, and then sent to a "dame school." To become a lady. Bet you didnt know our second president was a transexual! Just kidding, a "dame school" was when a bunch of kids would learn in the kitchen of a neighbor out of a primer. Not quite as fun as RuPaul telling John that he bettah werk.

When John was done with Ru, he went to an actual school and all of a sudden started totally sucking at learning. His dad was all, "son, whats the problem here?" and john was like " i hate my teacher he's the worst" and so his dad immediately switched schools. And that teacher will forever be kicking himself for being that one teacher that John Adams hated. At the age of 15 John as pronounced FIT FOR COLLEGE and so he readied himself to go take an examination in front of the presidents and masters at Harvard. His dad and his cool schoolmaster were supposed to go with him, but they both backed out at the last minute and so John had to ride to Cambridge by himself and take the MOST IMPORTANT TEST OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE. Talk about scarier than the SATs. Naturally, he did great and was granted a partial scholarship. To pay for the rest Deacon John sold 10 acres of land, which was tantamount to selling an organ for a member of the Adams clan. Damn did these guys put a value on education.

[washingtonswig]

John Adams, Cold Hard REMIX

The internet ate my initial post about John. Is it a sign? Should I stop now while the gettins good? No way, I say! I want a history channel show and the only way that is going to happen is if I get through at least like 4 presidents. So here it is, apologies if you've read this before the internet took it back into its cyber lair.

Let us start our journey into the lives of the most Paul Giamatti of Presidents (yes I did just use Paul Giamatti as an adjective, but given the breadth of his work it only seems appropriate)

Lemme drop some basic knowledge on ya:

Born: October 30, 1735 in Braintree, Massachuesetts. Home of the Zombies.

Brain-eaten (Died): July 4, 1826 in Quincy, Massachusetts. Quincy is actually Braintree, it became incorporated during Adams lifetime. Also! Note that death date! He and Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826. So there is a God and damn does he like to freak out conspiracy theorists.

Presidential Term of Office: March 4, 1797- March 4, 1801. Just one term!

Political Party: Federalists. Wah wah. No one likes a Federalist

Family: Parents-John Adams Sr. and Susanna Boylston. Bros-Peter Boylston and, wait for it, Elihu. E-L-I-H-U. What? I mean, WHAT? This kid clearly did nothing because he got  screwed in the name department. I mean it sounds like a name from the Never Ending Story.

Education: Harvard. When he was 16. Overachiever.

Pre-Presidential Occupation: Lawyer, US Minister to the Netherlands and Great Britain, and first vice president. He coined the phrase, If the glove don't fit you must acquit.

Wifey: Abigail Smith- his 3rd cousin. Gross.

Children: Nabby (you read that right), John Quincy, Susanna, Charles, Thomas, and little stillborn demon baby Elizabeth.

Fun-Fact: I always think stillborn babies are probably going to come to life in the grave and murder their parents.

Fun-Fact about Adams: He was not murdered by his demon stillborn baby

Drink of Choice: Madeira. Again. I feel like I should find this stuff and drink it just to feel the same drunk buzz that George and John felt. Also, I was kind of expecting Adams to be a teetotaler since he was basically a pilgrim. Good for him! This is America! His famous cousin is the original brewer of some still delicious brews. Imagine what it would be like if little baby John's face was the one on the bottles of awesome seasonal beers

[washingtonswig]

John Adams, The Cold Hard Facts

And so we start our journey into the life of the most Paul Giammati of presidents: John Adams Jr. (Yes I did just use Paul Giammati as an adjective. It seems only appropriate given the breadth of his work)

But lets start in the shallow end of the Adams pool, and look at the cold hard facts of the life of our second president. This ladies and gentlemen, is CSI: Braintree MA.

Born: October 30, 1735 in Braintree, Massachuesetts. Home of the Zombies.

Brain-eaten (Died): July 4, 1826 in Quincy, Massachusetts. Quincy is actually Braintree, it became incorporated during Adams lifetime. Also! Note that death date! He and Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826. So there is a God and damn does he like to freak out conspiracy theorists.

Presidential Term of Office: March 4, 1797- March 4, 1801. Just one term!

Political Party: Federalists. Wah wah. No one likes a Federalist

Family: Parents-John Adams Sr. and Susanna Boylston. Bros-Peter Boylston and, wait for it, Elihu. E-L-I-H-U. What? I mean, WHAT? This kid clearly did nothing because he got  screwed in the name department. I mean it sounds like a name from the Never Ending Story.

Education: Harvard. When he was 16. Overachiever.

Pre-Presidential Occupation: Lawyer, US Minister to the Netherlands and Great Britain, and first vice president. He coined the phrase, If the glove don't fit you must acquit.

Wifey: Abigail Smith- his 3rd cousin. Gross.

Children: Nabby (you read that right), John Quincy, Susanna, Charles, Thomas, and little stillborn demon baby Elizabeth.

Fun-Fact: I always think stillborn babies are probably going to come to life in the grave and murder their parents.

Fun-Fact about Adams: He was not murdered by his demon stillborn baby

Drink of Choice: Madeira. Again. I feel like I should find this stuff and drink it just to feel the same drunk buzz that George and John felt. Also, I was kind of expecting Adams to be a teetotaler since he was basically a pilgrim. Good for him! This is America! His famous cousin is the original brewer of some still delicious brews. Imagine what it would be like if little baby John's face was the one on the bottles of awesome seasonal beers

.

[washingtonswig]

Washington, Post-Prezidency

I have dreaded writing this post since I started this blog. I hate hate hate to admit that Washington was not cryogenically frozen so that one day he may return and save us all. (I may be getting my Disney and Jesus myths messed up..oh well) But alas, alack, my main man did kick it. But not before he did some stuff! that mattered! and as we all wish, he was bad-ass to the bitter end!

For Washington to physically move out of the Presidency he had to take care of some serious baggage. I mean this very literally. During his 8 years of presidency, most of the furniture that Congress purchased for his Presidential residence had been worn to bits. Washington did the very noble thing of purchasing his own damn furniture to make up for the shitty ones that Congress gave him. But when the time came to move, that little jackass John Adams wouldn't buy the furniture from Washington because it was "too fancy." Oh really? "Too fancy" for the damn PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? I sincerely hope that my time with Adams changes my opinion of him, because at this point in time I just think he's a whining little bitch.

Washington was all like, "ok dude, you don't have to buy it, but i'm going to leave it here for now." and under his breath was all, "and then you better break something so you have to buy it. " (just kidding, Washington never said anything under his breath.) Actually, this is what Washington said about leaving,

  "On one side, I am called upon to remember the parrot; on the other, to remember the dog. For my own part, I should not pine if they were both forgot."

So here's something you didn't know! Washington hated animals! (again, not true) But I doubt PETA would have asked Washington to pose sexily in the nude to prevent fur-trapping.

If Washington thought that things were messed up in the Capitol, he was no where near ready for the shit storm that was Mount Vernon. During his time in office he left the handling of everything to an old Scottish dude named James Anderson. Now, Anderson had some good ideas. Namely, making whiskey! But he also totally sucked at his main job, which was to keep the farms running and the house from falling apart. When Washington got home, the floor in his banquet hall was actually caving in, and his fields didn't grow enough of anything to make money. George was totally pissed, but being the gentleman that he was, allowed Anderson to stay on at the same wage, but with less responsibilities. Washington himself took over trying to get things back to how they should be. He never really got Mount Vernon back to fighting shape. I mean let's face it, he may have been great, but he was no Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby.

Thankfully, George was able to live very well off of all the land purchases he had made out west in his youth. In fact, my dude made some serious bank by selling tracts of land in western Pennsylvania to speculators. And also because he refused to do anything on credit, unlike some of his contemporaires. Some of these guys(i'm looking at you, Robert Morris) borrowed money on assets that had themselves been bought through loans. Sounds familiar right? cough real estate market 2007 cough cough.  But Washington was having none of that. He did everything the way men do it, in cash.

Oh so you think Washington just farmed and chilled for the remainder of his years? False. Because Adams got himself into a right little problem most call the XYZ affair. I'm sure I'll discuss this in depthwith Adams, so all you really need to know is that the French totally pissed off America by ignoring our official delegation to them and then asking for a bribe! WhA???? we do not bribe people here in America! we beat the shit out of them until they do what we want! which is what Adams started to prepare the country to do. He and Congress set out an order that the military be augmentedby 10,000 men, and then, wait for it, he asked Washington to resume his position as commander in chief. At 67. And you know Washington did? He manned up. He accepted his position and was prepared to go to war again.  Except we didn't go to war with France. Thankfully things blew over. Instead they got totally screwed by their own leaders and we ended up buying Louisiana from them! Nice guys finish first.

This was not the only time in his retirement that Washington was asked to come back into the public spotlight. Nope, when it came time for the next presidential election, some Federalist bros wrote Washington to pretty please run for the presidency again, since I guess Adams pissed everyone off enough that he probably wasn't going to be re-elected. Washington thankfully declined, because he thought he would most definitely kick it during those four years in office. and in fact, he did.

Washington was out for a his usual ride around his grounds on December 12, 1799. It started to rain and snow while he was out. And then, he set another presidential precedent. He died from what was basically a cold. When Washington came back from his ride, his secratary Lear, was all, "hey dude you look pretty wet." and washington was all, "no i'm fine bro. tis but a flesh wound. "

But he slowly got worse through the night and into the next day. Of course he didn't make much of a big deal about it. He just slowly lost his ability to talk easily and started convulsing! All the while saying things like, "I don't need medicine." Manly. Martha, being the woman that she was asked that the overseer who took care of the slaves medical needs come take care of Washington while a proper doctor was sent for. Now this poor overseer guy was scared shitless to draw blood from George. Understandably so, how would you feel if you were to kill a national treasure? But George said, "Don't be afraid," and bared his arm himself. When the dude made the cut George had told him, "the orifice is not large enough." and that's what she said. high five!

No, eventuallly 3 doctors came to take care of George. (kind of excessive right?) and they bled him a total of 4 times. As what one would expect when dealing with 3 doctors there was a difference of opinions about what his problem was, and even more confusion about how to treat him. So they bled him again! Which basically killed him for sure. (btw modern doctors think Washington died specifically from either diptheria or strep. too bad they didn't have amoxoclyn back then!). Washington's room was filled with people, including Martha, Lear, house slaves, and the doctors. He kept asking what time it was and thanking everyone. He kept telling Lear to take care of little things that he was remembering. He said, I kid you not, "I die hard, but I am not afraid to go." and that is going to be my motto for everything ever from here on out. Washington died in the early hours of December 14th. Martha asked quietly, "is he gone?" and all Lear could do was hold up his hand in a silent assent. How heartbreaking.

you know what was pretty cool about Washington dying though? He wrote in his will that once he kicked it, his slaves would be freed. Well actually, he wrote that his slaves would be freed once Martha died, since he didn't want to split up the slave familiesof his household. And that would have happened because half of the slaves on Mount Vernon were technically Martha's. Washington had developed a severe aversion to slavery, and had struggled for years withhow to handle it. He never ever sold a slave or moved them without their consent, and almost never allowed them to be physically punished. In fact, a lot of literature says that Mount Vernon went to shit because the slaves could get away with anything they wanted. which is pretty cool. except for the whole still-being-slaves part. Washington even secretly set some of his slaves free while he was president by accidentally "leaving" them in Pennsylvania when a law was passed that abolished slavery in that state. He wanted the slaves he freed to be able to find work for themselves and learn skills, and he made sure that any one who was too old or too young to take care of themselves would be taken care of. what a nice guy.

He also left his secretary Lear the use of Mount Vernon. Imagine! leaving your estate to your secretary. It'd be like Don leaving the house to Joan.

[washingtonswig]

On a semi-serious note, if you get a chance you should read this article. I didn't know anything about the political climate in Dallas pre-JFK kill time, but it's startlingly similar to right now. Some food for thought before you put some thanksgiving food in your belly.

back and to the left. back and to the left.

[washingtonswig]

Washington, The End of his Presidency or "Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions"

It seems like these days the whole world's on fire. Things keep blowin' the hell up,... And while all those rubberneckers and looky loos stand slackjawed starin, The real men have the nuts to walk away.

Andy Samberg, did you write this about George Washington? I feel like this song is definitely an allegory for the final months of GW's presidency and his tremendous nuts. And I mean that in a purely metaphorical form, not physical. get your mind out of the gutter.

To explain: You know those times when you're 5 drinks deep and you think "should i keep going?" when someone offers you a shot of, I don't know, Jameson?  I'm 99% positive that your answer would be HELL YES. You know what George Washington's answer would be? "Thank you but I've had enough. And here's a $10 tip for that drink I didn't drink." Because George knew how to end things with style, and he very rarely ever threw up in his own hair.

Here's the thing, in Feb 1796 Washington declared the Jay Treaty the law of the land, which sufficiently pissed the House off enough to vote that they could turn over any treaty and asked for any papers that George had regarding the treaty. This was a super dick move by the House because they were basically trying to make themselves more important than either the Senate or the President. You know what the whole format of the government is based on? CHECKS AND BALANCES. It's not very balanced if the House can overturn whatever the hell it feels like. So Washington says: nope no way. 

Which ends up actually kind of pissing everyone off because no one really likes the Jay Treaty that much even though it did prevent A HUGE TERRIBLE WAR. but that's neither here nor there. What's important is to recognize that once again Washington put the concerns of the nation above his own person/popularity. Not to get political, but wouldn't it be nice if -ish like this could still happen? (side note: is it possible to be nostalgic for a time you never lived in? I think so. I would just really like to wear a mob cap and churn butter for awhile. someone find me a job at colonial williamsburg) 

The thing is, Washington gets pretty pissed with himself because of it. He knew that his term would be up soon, and all he really wanted was to peacefully pass off leadership of a unified nation to his successor, whoever that may be. So everyone being pissed off at everyone else was not exactly a comforting place to be politically. Which leads us to one of the most important documents in our nation's history: 

           One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

oops. sorry, not that. 

              Washington's Farewell Address

Have you ever actually read it? I mean I know we all know it's generally about being nice to each other and to not adopt a two party system (btw, good job on that), but have you ever actually read it? Because you should. Look! you can read it here: http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/washing.asp. I read it the other day and was blown away by how incredibly pertinent it is to our time and probably all of American history. Seriously, you should go read it. Eat some apple pie, drink a beer, put the football game on mute and just love america and read this thing. 

The interesting thing about his address is that he started it almost as soon as this whole Jay treaty shenanigans started in Feb 1796 (dude wasn't even going to announce that he wouldn't be running until fall), and that the initial drafts were decidedly un-Washington like. They were pretty bitchy, exceedingly personal, and very firmly in favor of the Federalist party. Thankfully George called his good buddy Alex Hamilton to look over the draft and Hamilton helped him out with the now famous address. What's fascinating is that George never actually delivered the address, he just sent it out to a single Philadelphia newspaper that ran it (get this) on the second and third pages. The front page was an advertisement. 

Washington thought that one of his most important and lasting contributions would be in how he dealt with the upcoming election. Which is true of course because everything he did was important, but what really stuck was his decision to only serve 2 terms. Because there was not limit of term clause in the Constitution. If George wanted, he could have served 17 terms, but instead he stopped at 2. What's crazy is that every president after that followed his example except for that crippled jerk FDR. (kidding, I love FDR. once in 2nd grade we had to create a new american flag and mine no joke had fdr's face on it in front of purple green and yellow stripes. what a strange child i was) The precedent he tried to set but which was naturally not followed was his decision to not support either candidate for presidency. Truthfully though that could have been because Adams was an annoying little man and Jefferson had cut ties with George because he was also kind of a whack job. Regardless, Adams won because of his own strengths not because George backed him. (which can't be said about obama and oprah. you said oprah's never been president? just wait) 

Adams inauguration sucked for Adams, because apparently everyone just started crying when they saw Washington. I know! I didn't expect our revolutionary forefathers to be such sensitive little babies, but I guess they were. George was probably like:

  Even more embarrassing, George got much more applause from the crowd than Adams after the ceremony! But that's how g's do. they brush their shoulders off and move on. 

[washingtonswig]

A Slump in Summer

World Wide Web, I do indeed still exist. I have been absent this summer due to the writings of this brilliant little gnome lord:

Mr. George R.R. Martin (look at that cute little hat of his! he bettah werk.), the infuriatingly verbose wizard of words whose 5 books have kept me occupied for 2 months straight and kept me from continuing my quest to meet the presidents. I will fully and willfully accept my entrance into the deepest realm of nerd-dom by acknowledging the fact that today I actually went on a forum to find out spoilers for the next book. Then I realized that my time would be better spent in learning more about that little bundle of joy John Adams than trolling the internet for information on a book that won't be out for another 3 years at the earliest. So the slump of summer is coming to an end, get ready for an Awakening in Autumn.

Get ready bitches, winter is coming.

[washingtonswig]

George Washington, 5 Most Important Facts of his Presidency: PART 5!!!!!!!

Oh my god the photoshopping I've been doing on this one is so good, you'll forgive me for my too long absence from the web world. And yes I know  number 5 may seem like a kind of cop-out, because it definitely is heavily concerned with the issues of number 3, but I can't stress enough how important it was that little baby America not get involved in a war in it's infancy. Seriously, we were having tons of trouble standing upright and were still wearing pullups, and our mom kept feeding us mashed beets and chicken babyfood and there was nothing we could do about it.

So that's why the number 5 most important aspect of Washington's prezzzidency was:

         The Jay Treaty, or, no, really, we were really close to getting into a war

Remember all those problems we were having with the newly formed French republic and our colonial mother England? Well we had kind of figured things out with France by passing the Neutrality Proclamation and getting rid of that jackass Genet. But leave it to our Anglo-Saxon forebearers to totally start screwing us over again and trying to get us to get into a war that we would inevitably lose. Because those folk with bad teeth arbitrarily and without any legal justification whatsoever decided that they had the right to capture American ships containing any French goods or sailing for any French port, without even telling America, "hey we're going to do this chaps. suck it."  They called this major jerk-face act, THE PROVISION ORDER. So suddenly American ships start disappearing and showing up in British West Indies' ports and American sailors are being forced to join the British navy. This is totally:

                                                 BAD NEWS BEARS

Meanwhile! The British in Canada had been coercing the Indians of the North to not get along with the US at all, and Washington got so pissed he ordered that an army advance to prepare for war with the indians in the spring. And then the freaking Governor general of canada starts blabbing his big old hockey loving, maple drinking mouth about how the King would totes magotes be at war with the US soon. Basically Washington gets stuck in a corner because if he doesn't figure something out with the British soon, there may be war both on the sea and the land and that would blow.Besides not wanting to be involved with any sort of war again, the huge problemo was that Britain was both our main market AND supplier. All of our money and industry was linked with maintaining a good relationship with those bastard british. But obviously the American people are super pissed and aren't just going to let the British steal their goods, and ships, and dudes because they can. IT'S JUST NOT THE AMERICAN WAY TO LAY DOWN AND TAKE IT. Therefore George decides to appoint a dudebro to get his ass over to England to straighten this shit out. all the federalists are like "choose Hamilton! he'll do the right thing! kind of! i mean, he'll do the right thing for merchants! and probably screw over the farmers and most likely piss everyone off because he's Hamilton! and he's a bastard! choose him, pick him, love him!"

He doesn't. Instead George-y boy picks this guy:

WHAT A CREEPER! This guy is John Jay and he was eventually the first justice of the supreme court, but he was also a NUMBER ONE JERK. Washington chose this beady-eyed mofo to go because he was sure Jay would act within reason and not screw over the US. Guess what this friggin genius did? If you said "Screw over the US" then you win. Congratulations. (side note, I just correctly spelled congratulations without using spell check, I think that means I'm a grownup.) Jay comes back from his mission with a copy of the treaty he wants Congress to sign off on and shows it only to Washington and Washington is all, "what the hell were you smoking bro?"

And jay is like, "whoa...man...i don't...like...i don't know..." Washington had told Jay that he should make concessions to the British if they were unavoidable and likely to prevent war. Apparently to Jay that meant to let the British walk over him and trample American rights into the ground. He said that any ship that carried goods that MIGHT be of use to the French should be considered contraband and the British had the right to confiscate it, and even worse the conceded that no american goods could be sold to Europe if the goods were also available from the British held west indies. Lay man's terms? THE SOUTH COULDN'T SELL ANY COTTON TO EUROPE. what was this dude thinking?!!!! you know how much southerns love selling cotton! and enslaving people to pick that cotton. it's like telling lindsey lohan she can't drink! impossible to stop! But on the other hand, signing the treaty definitely guarantees that the US and Britain will not go to war. Washington decides to hide this shit that Jay has returned with until congress gets back. He knows that AMERICA in general will be pissed, and not see that by conceeding some things they will avoid a war that would destroy everything he and his bros had worked for.  Plus he wants congress to look at the document strictly based on its merits (or in this case its  flaws.)

                           EXCEPT (bum bum bummmmmm)

The British who were holding off on being total jerks while Jay was in negotiations at their royal court decide to be jerkoffs again, and start re-enforcing the Provision Order. Washington is all , "awww hell to that naw" and says he won't even let Congress have a say about whether to ratify the treaty, for fear that instead they'll just declare war. needless to say congress is pissed and everyone starts protesting against my little george dumplingkins. and  now it is solely up to the executive branch to figure out what the hell to do.

     BUT THEN.........

are you liking this dramatic wording I'm doing here? In my head it's the voice of the guy who does the trailers for disaster movies. George's secretary of state was his dear old friend edmund randolph, they had been bros since the revolution. So George was dismayed when some of his other cabinet members came forward with evidence the randolph was being bribed by the french to support the french government over the british. SAY WHAT??? A TRAITOR IN GEORGE'S MIDST? a beloved friend even? shades of benedict arnold clouded his spectacularly built brain as George decided what to do. Were people being so obstinate about the Jay treaty because they were being bribed by the French? The clock is ticking down, if george waits too long to make a decision, the British will only grow more aggressive. What should a brilliant and very tall man do?

      Why ratify of course! But only ratify the shit he actually likes. He decides that he'll throw the british a bone and let them do all the stupid shit they want to do, but he also says "like hell you will!" to letting the British monopolize the trade on cotton. and the british are all, "well I suppose that's jolly good." Disaster averted! Unlike the Titanic!

To be honest, I just wanted a way to work  in this ridiculous picture. I mean what the hell is this?  Why is this overgrown rodent also a sea monster with bizarre stegosaurus scales purposefully hitting the titanic? Who was the sick mind that came up with this because obviously i need to shake their hand? I can only hope my tattoo artist can artfully recreate this image on my left shoulder blade.     

Just kidding. I'm getting a tattoo of a portrait of every president as I finish them down my arm. Kidding again parents! But thank goodness for George and his ability to keep America going.              

[washingtonswig]

George Washington, 5 Most Important Facts of his Presidency: PART 4!

It's time for everybody's favorite rebellion! Because anything that involves guns and booze is bound to be a good time. Or at least entertaining. And that's why the number four most important thing about Washington's Prez-idency is:

                                              THE WHISKEY REBELLION

It all started with the excise law passed in 1790 that taxed the manufacture, sale and consumption of h-whiskey. (this reference is either from Hot Rod or Family Guy, take your pick). What's kind of hilarious is that the federal government initially didn't have a lot of things they could tax; really they were just allowed to make money from Customs duties and whatever industries were large enough to make taxing at all profitable. And naturally whiskey was a good choice. And that's probably the first and last time I'll ever say, "whiskey was a good choice."

Here's the problem with the tax:

      1. NO ONE likes getting taxed. Ever. It's a fact.

      2. You know who really don't like getting taxed? Backwoods and Frontier men, they never want any outsider taking their shit or trespassing on their land. And the super problem was that these guys friggin loved whiskey. Because what else is there to do on the American frontier in the late 18th century? But really, the grain they grew was too bulky to transport unless it had been distilled into whiskey. So these guys used the whiskey mostly for their own personal consumption, but also as currency between each other. THAT'S HILARIOUS. I wish we still did that.

     3. And also class warfare. I mean obviously the tax wasn't the cause of class warfare, but it certainly did have an effect on the status quo. The problem was that the frontier was settled  in two waves. The first wave was mostly just loner dudes who were unafraid to take chances and sometimes have to fight off wild bears. The second group were people who realized "hey all those crazy dudes killed all the wild bears, so we're probably good to move in and totally farm the crap out of the land." And these moochers really approved of the tax, because it was a way to keep the backwoodsmen in line.

   4. except it didn't keep them in line at all.

This law passes in 1790, and people are pissed but nothing really happens until 1794. By this point those Democratic Societies mentioned in the genet/france post were really starting to take hold and impress the backwoodsguys. In the four westernmost counties of Pennsylvania, dudes just lost their shit and killed the government. Like literally. They killed one guy and branded with hot irons any government official they found. SAY WHAT? branded. like cattle. And the Democratic Societies of PA started calling to other democratic Societies in the frontier to join them in seceding from the federal governmet. You know what that sounds like? 

Washington knew he had a major problem here, one that would definitely come up again in America's existence, and that his actions would set the precedent for how the government dealt with the issue in years to come. No pressure. side note, How did no one invent xanax earlier, I'm sure it would have been a best seller. George is friggin torn, like do you call in the army on your own people (what up middle east dictators!) or do you stand down and let these backwoods bumpkins ruin a good thing? Well naturally George decided to give these dudes a democratic ass-whopping. He sends 3 men out to western PA with proclamtions that basically said "if you mothatruckers don't cease and desist by sept 1 I WILL PUT YOU IN THE HURT LOCKER."

What's astonishing is that people were actually pissed about him doing this! They were nervous that since other state's militias were getting called in to help that somehow those states would TAKE OVER PENNSYLVANIA. Rational. And some people were even saying that Washington had no justification and was just declaring war on his own citizens because he wanted to be king. Not true.  oh yeah, did I mention that he led the army himself? He was 64 at the time. Well he made sure that the army was well-behaved. like extremely well behaved. When the army finally moved into the rebellious areas, not a single person was hurt nor any property destroyed. They rebels stood down and agreed to pay the taxes and everyone was impressed that George's gamble worked. you know why it worked? Because he's the man.

[washingtonswig]

George Washington, 5 Most Important Facts of his Presidency: PART 3!

You know who hated each other more than Hamilton and Jefferson? The British and the French! And guess who had to play monkey in the middle to that longstanding codependent abusive relationship?  (seriously, those two countries needed couples therapy) AMERICA. and by way of AMERICA I also mean, WASHINGTON.

 So, the number 3 most important aspect of George's Presidency is:

        Keepin it real with the French, and that jackass Genet

Here's the dealio: around 1792, there was this little event called THE FRENCH REVOLUTION. Ever hear of it? It's when all the normal people in France decided that supporting the nobility's severe gambling habits needed to come to an end. So they cut off everyone's heads ever and formed a "republican" government that was a total and complete mess. Needless to say all the other European monarchies were not thrilled by this, because what if their people decided to get rid of kings too? TERRIBLE! No royal wedding! No bizarre headresses! what is the point of living you know?!  So the British are all, "well let's fight the French I guess, but first, TEA!" (in my head the british drink tea through an iv) Now, this is a serious problem for the US! Can you guess why?

Did you answer it outloud like on children's television where the ask you where the hell Dora should go and even if you get it wrong they  say "bueno!" (yo, that tv show sucks btw, watch yo gabba gabba)

Did you guess it was a problem because we signed a treaty with the French to help them out when they gave us money for the Am.Rev, but that we mostly traded with the British and the Brit navy could totally destroy us? Then you're right! Fuckin bueno.  In a nutshell, that's the exact quandary of Washington and his homeslices.  Of course there was another problem to deal with, and it was the American people. see, there was this whole feeling that the French were doing exactly what the Americans had done around 15 years before. So Americans would go around singing french anthems (shudder) and calling each other "citizen" (double shudder), and generally thinking that the frequent guillotining of mostly innocent people was well and dandy. And this is where party politics came in. Because the Republicans (see chart in previous post) totally jumped on the bandwagon and got tattoos of the french flag and called anyone who wasn't totally pro-french a supporter of the monarchy and enemy of liberty. Harsh! sick burn. You can see that george and his cabinet were going to have serious problems, because Jefferson was a republican and Hamilton the Federalist was pragmatic enough to realize that screwing things up with the british would screw up america, and Washington was all like "oh shit, welcome to problem-town, population, me. "

And did I mention that the french were all like, " oh hey american people you guys can make a ton of moolah by becoming pirates under our name and just freakin taking stuff from Britain to piss them off!"

And some americans were dumb enough to start to do it! Can you imagine how pissed the Brits would be? Pissed enough to start a war that's for sure! Washington and crew had to do something to stop it, but what? Technically the Executive branch had the power to act in foreign affairs only with the "advice and consent" of the Senate. But the senate wasn't in session and it was going to take forever to get them to the capital and by that point it was going to be a real freakin mess. But you know what Washington did? He said "Screw it, let me save everyone." And he had Jefferson and Hamilton draw up a document that prevented american citizens from getting involved in any sort of action that may cause either Britain or France harm. It was known as the Neutrality Proclamation. And of course some people (madison, other republicans) were pissed about it because it did kind of go against the constitution and purposefully didn't help france, but guess what? We didn't end up in a war so really, mission accomplished.

See this guy above? I don't even have to cut and paste onto anything because he already looks like a jerk. This is Edmond Charles Genet, and he was a pain in the ass. oh, alright..

Are you happy now? that was mostly for my roommate. he loves the wizard of oz. as should you. Anyway!  This guy Genet was seriously the wicked witch of the western world. He was the first French minister to America from the new "republican" government. And he was full of all sorts of douchebaggary. He was coming to America to try and get people to ignore the Neutrality Proclamation and join the French pirate army. (it's by far the smelliest army there is). My dude sails to America but instead of going straight to Philly to present himself to George and also THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT he instead lands in Charleston, South Carolina and dawdles his way up the coast, trying to convince people to join him. Join him in supporting the pirate thing but also in ENLISTING AN ARMY TO ATTACK LOUISIANA. Seriously, wtf was this guy thinking? I mean to be honest, at first people were very vocal about their support, though no one actually did anything about it. Genet wrote back to France that if the government didn't support the cause then at least all of the american people did, and frankly he could just take over for old Washington. How many crazy pills was this guy consuming?

Genet finally made his way to Philly, presented himself and then caused havoc. He finally got an American ship to sail under the French pirate flag and Washington was pissed. He got the common folk of Philly to get all excited for France and get mad at the American government, and Washington was pissed. He had his friends organize the "Pennsylvania Democratic Society" which was a bunch of clubs that were like the Jacobin clubs of the French evolution and mostly terrifying, and Washington was pissed. And he called Washington a bunch of names and said he wanted to be king, and then Washington got REALLY FREAKIN PISSED. And this is what he said to Secretary Knox about how pissed he was:

"BY GOD, I would rather be in my grave than in this present situation. I would rather be on my farm than be made EMPEROR OF THE WORLD."

WASHINGTON SMASH. this was one stand-up dude. So you know what he and the cabinet did? they asked for Genet's resignation, and they did get it. And then (really this is the best part) you know what happens? The new french ambassador wants to arrest Genet and send him back to France for being such a troublemaker. But Washington insteads grants this sonofabitch asylum in the US! This guy who ruined his life for basically a year and almost caused a war, and washington is noble enough to let him keep his head.

This is why Washington really is the best. ever.

[washingtonswig]

George Washington, 5 Most Important Facts of his Presidency: PART 2!

We've established that an important aspect of George's presidency was his ability to start things up. He Black Eye Pea-ed (let's get it started, huh, let's get it started in here)  the crap out of the opening moves of the presidency.

Perhaps you remember a vague allusion made in the previous post regarding a rivalry among  two of Washington's cabinet members? Oh you don't? Has it been that long or are you just suffering from an early onset of Alzheimer's (too soon? too soon.)?  Well here's a hint, stoner, it was Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson about to rumble in the jungle. And we're going to talk about it now because the Number 2 Most Important Thing About Washington's Presidency is:

         He Was Playing Umpire to the First Political Party Throwdown

Theoretically there were no such things as political parties in the very beginning stages of the government.  Washington was of the firm belief that government officials should directly represent the interests of their specific community and not have to answer to any other power but their direct constituents. Which really, is very sweet of him. Ah young padawan, so naive in the ways of the world. Because of course people want to belong to political parties! It's a way of consolidating power! And you know who loves that? Hitler! I mean, everyone! But Poland. Poland doesn't like consolidating power since they're normally the one's consolidated.

But I digress. Suffice to say that the inklings of the beginning of a two party system are very frequently chalked up to Mssrs. Jefferson and Hamilton. Of course, this is rather over-simplyfing the actual fact, but you know what? You're not going to get graded on this and no one really cares that Madison had anything to do with it. Suck it madison. (lol jk little buddy I heart the crap out of you and your hot wife). So in a tiny condensed nutshell of condensedness, here's the deal. Hamilton was a total baller, born illegitimate in the West Indies and then just ran a train on life until he rolled into Kanye status. He believed that the goverment should have a lot of control over the economics of the country and generally thought trading and cities totally ruled. Little baby Jefferson was a Virginian like Washington and he liked a lot of things about life, like architecture, science, sleeping with his slaves....and other things. Jefferson thought that banks and traders were not very good people and wanted to ensure that the government was guided by more agrarian principles. Too confusing? Here, here's a freaking chart that I stole off the internet that seems to have been made for someone's 6th grade US history class:

Better now, crybaby? This dichotomy (look it up) was not just between these two men, but kind of between two whole regions, the North vs South. Does that faceoff sound familiar? Ringing any bells? Any bells from 1861-1865? Ok I'll tell you, it's the civil war, hater.  So it's not just like the two guys didn't like each other, there were some serious issues at it's core that wouldn't be solved until brothers killed each other on the farms, plains and swamps of our great country. (side note, how excited are you for when we get to the civil war era? I'm getting so pumped. Only 15 more presidents to go!)

Why is this hater battle important to Washington's presidency? Well, it defined much of the actions he had to take, because he was constantly having to weigh the merits of one guy's ideas to the others. The beauty of this is that under Washington no specific party was ever really favored. Generally people will say he secretly supported Hamilton and the Federalists, but George understood both sides of the coin better than anybody. The truth was, both of these dudes really respected George, and therefore sincerely strived for his approval. And Washington understood genius when he met it and valued what both men had to say. So instead of developing a government that was either too over-arching or not powerful enough, Washington was able to find the middle ground. Isn't that great?!

I'm not gonna lie, this post is kind of a set up for the next two posts. Because there is something mean and terrible coming around the corner to frustrate the shit out of Washington and almost get our young country into war. It's the french revolution folks,

heads will roll.