wastelandcryptic

[wastelandcryptic]

So, an important bit of context I forgot that a LOT of people are basing their responses on.

I have already had this conversation with my partner, several times, starting from when he first suggested his partner move with us.

There was never a point I was hiding how I felt from my partner. He is well aware that I don't want to live with anyone else, however, he doesn't see another way that his other relationship can continue.

Here's how it stands at the moment:

It is VERY likely (98% certainty) that this new job of my fiance's will take us across several states, very far from where we currently live.

Neither my fiance or his partner can handle long distance relationships. The choices are either 'his partner moves with us' or 'they break up'.

If they move across states with us, my fiance and I both agree it is unfair to ask them to find their own place to live. If they move states, they move in with us.

Breaking up with my fiance is not an option. Aside from the fact I love him immensely and don't want to break up with him, I am disabled and he is my primary caretaker. While I am not completely dependent on him, my life would be much sadder and harder without him in it.

If push comes to shove and it becomes a choice between me and his other partner, I know for a fact my fiance would pick me. However, I do not want to force him to make that choice, because I know it will hurt him greatly.

I have no issues with his relationship or his partner. As a friend, I like them a lot! I just don't want to live with them. My partner however has this very idealised version of kitchen table polyamory in his head. His idea of a long term serious relationship (which is what he wants with this partner) includes living together as a huge part of that.

The reason I think I might be the asshole in this situation is that I either push the issue and my partner feels like he needs to end his relationship, or I don't push the issue and I end up compromising my happiness/comfort so that his partner can move in with us. Either of which is a bad option.

Am I the Asshole for not wanting to live with my fiance's partner?

So context. Me (30F) and my fiance (24M) are polyamorous, and he has one other partner (26F).

My fiance is currently applying for a new job, one that if he gets will most likely mean we have to move a couple of states away. When he started the application process for this job he and his other parter were a lot more casual, and he was worried moving would ruin whatever thing was between them.

Instead, what happened was they confessed their feelings for each other and decided to date, which is the part I'm happy about, for both of them! However, both my fiance and his partner don't do long distance, so, caught up in the euphoria of asking them to date, my partner invited them to move with us and they said yes.

At the time I was just happy for my fiance, but the more it's discussed and the closer we get to my fiance getting this job (the application process has been about half a year? It's been annoying and stressful), the less ok I am with the plan.

I don't want to live with other people at all. I'm a very private person who likes their own space, and I don't feel comfortable with housemates other than my partner. As well as that, he's had some assumptions about arrangements, such as assuming we'd just buy a bigger bed and share between the 3 of us.

I don't mind sharing on occasion so my partner is happy, but I don't want the default bedroom space to be all 3 of us. I'm friendly with my metamour, but we're not close, and I'm not comfortable with the amount of integration my fiance wants her to have in our lives. The alternate however is something like scheduled room swaps, which I also know I hate. My fiance and I did this previously when I broke up with our mutual partner, and it didn't work well for us.

I want my fiance to be happy, and I know how much he cares about his other partner. I just know that for him to get what he wants here I'm going to have to make massive sacrifices to my comfort and needs, and I'm not sure how I can make that work for him.

So, am I the asshole for not even really wanting to try living with my fiance's partner when we move states?

What are these acronyms?

[wastelandcryptic]

@am-i-the-asshole-official

Hey, OP of this one here. I'll try to respond to all the info requests/other responses I've seen. You can skip to the end if you only want to read about the update however.

"Take a home pregnancy test!" - I've taken about 13, all of which have been negative. A couple I thought I saw something, but the brand is notorious for evap lines so I don't know if its just wishful thinking or not. Based on possible timings it could technically still be too early to tell, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up because I'm not dealing well with the pregnancy disappointment right now.

"If you feel really unwell you should see a doctor" - I have chronic conditions that mean I always feel unwell. This only got worse after I got COVID last year. I have issues with my sinuses, constant back/leg/shoulder pain, constant conjunctivitis, I regularly wake up feeling ill, I feel dizzy when I stand. All of this and more has been discussed with multiple doctors, and I have only ever been told that the problem was my weight or stress, neither of which was very helpful. I hesitate taking new problems to doctors now because I don't get helpful answers.

"Try a different doctor!" I'm currently on doctor number 6 or 7? I forget exactly how many. Some of them were more helpful than others, but I can't see the helpful ones because cost limitations. I'm not in America so technically have free healthcare, but it's very difficult to find a suitable GP that will listen to me, not push weight loss based treatments, and will bulk bill me. I don't have the energy for that search anymore.

"See an OBGYN" - I did get referred to one, who asked me and my fiance a couple questions, looked over a previous ultrasound, gave me my PCOS diagnosis, and did literally nothing else. There was supposed to be follow up appointments but nothing happened. Finding a new one usually costs, which I can't afford.

"You'll need to see doctors if you're pregnant!" - I'm aware, and I'm ok with that. I don't plan on staying away from doctors forever, that's kind of unfeasible. My problem is I'm not sure if this is actually me being pregnant or if it's just chronic issues acting up again. If I had these same symptoms but my period was happening regularly I wouldn't think twice about it. The major difference is how late my period is, which also isn't the first time this happened. I thought that previously losing my period was due to the hormonal birth control I was on, but if this is it happening again then maybe it's PCOS? Either way, this isn't the first time for anything that's happened, it's just the combination that has me thinking maybe this is a pregnancy.

"Record your symptoms for the doctor to see/advocate for yourself/get your partner to advocate for you!" - I do already track my symptoms. I have a period tracking app that is pretty comprehensive with what I can record in it, even if my crazy cycles have completely thrown off it's ability to predict my period. The problem is when I try to show my doctor she brushes it off and doesn't really look at it, no matter how much I try. I do mostly advocate for myself pretty well, and my current doctor is aware of my issues with weight based treatments. She still recommends gastro surgery to me every time I see her, and I doubt it'll be different if my fiance advocates for me instead.

The actual update: My fiance and I have reached a compromise. If this is a pregnancy, the latest I would expect to see a positive result is in 1-2 weeks. If I'm still testing negative at that point, I will organise to see my doctor for blood tests and all that jazz. I have a lot of issues with minimizing my disabilities and conditions for reasons I don't want to get into. It makes me a very bad judge of what is serious enough to see a doctor for, hence the AITA. I know my fiance isn't an asshole here, but it is nice to see how many people were calling the fatphobic medical system assholes.

Ideally I'd be able to update in a couple of months with pregnancy details, but who knows. Thanks to everyone who commented!

Am I the asshole for not going to the doctor?

TW for discussions of health and periods.

I (30F) have chronic health issues. Most are undiagnosed because I am overweight and that's all the doctors ever see, but I know I have arthritis and PCOS.

(Side note, I will be ignoring any responses to the tune of 'oh but you'd feel so much better if you lose weight'. This is not the point of the post.)

My period is late. Like, day 69 of my cycle late. My partner and I are trying for children, but due to my PCOS we were told we might have trouble conceiving, and there's been nothing for about 2 years now. I was on the pill for 10 years before we started trying, and were told that it might take some time for my body to normalise after so long on hormonal birth control. I did lose my cycle entirely for almost a year due to the pill, and it took about 6 months to come back after I stopped taking it.

All this to say that a 69 day cycle isn't entirely out of the realm of my history. My cycle has normalized a bit however, and for the past year or so it's usually between 12-40 day cycles. I've taken tests of course, but all have been negative so far (about 10?). I have been feeling quite off recently, but I was ill about a week before I noticed I was late (just a cold), and some of my other symptoms might be related to my chronic conditions.

My partner however wants me to go see a doctor. His argument is that even if it isn't a pregnancy then the doctor can tell me what else might be wrong with me. My argument is that I don't want to go see a doctor unless it's definitely is a pregnancy, because doctors have almost never helped diagnose me, and in fact I have my diagnosis because I put in the research and told the doctor what I suspected, and had to push for testing to confirm it.

I had undiagnosed back pain for 3 years because my doctor kept blaming my weight. Similarly, the disappearance of my period was blamed on my weight, and surprise, I have PCOS that might have been able to be treated better if it was found sooner (and also causes weight gain that is very difficult to control). I don't trust doctors to be able to tell what's wrong with me, because all I'm ever told is that I need to lose weight. I've been to many doctors, all said the same things.

Am I the asshole because I don't want to go to the doctors only to be told once again that I need to lose weight while ignoring anything that might actually be wrong with me?

What are these acronyms?