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James Acaster: Cold Lasagne Hate Myself 1999

Bonus:

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I wrote this story awhile ago, but i’m still proud of it!  It is written from Jim’s point of view, as he adjusts to life planetside, becoming an Admiral after ten years on the Enterprise. Spock and Kirk marry, amicably divorce, and then get back together. I don’t know if anyone is interested, but I wanted to share it here too, and see what people think!

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every time i see people trying to normalize fatness by sexualizing it i think of that post thats like “what are you gonna tell a fucking 12 y/o? dont cry dude youre so thick? stop it” bc like. truly. not only do i personally not want my body to be sexualized lol but also its so harmful to kids like?? being fat is normal in all contexts not just when youre in lingerie with a beat face looking pouty at the camera like can we talk about the variances in human bodies without resorting to making them normal only when theyre sexy, my god

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So, in my dream last night, Will was trying to bake a cake. He wanted it to look like a masterpiece Hannibal had made, a cake with a fondant collar in a colorful forest pattern, but he failed miserably. Hannibal tried not to laugh (in a very dignified manner, of course). He was suitably amazed, though, when he saw that Will had also decorated the fireplace with an evil “ancient script”. Will had turned it into a gateway, presumably to Hell, and my dream ended with Hannibal grabbing Will’s butt during a hug and saying “you made me an alter?”

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I noticed that there was a tone problem with this story- the first paragraph was angsty, but then the story immediately shifts into cute fluff. A lovely commenter mentioned this confusion! I wrote a whole story about Jim’s struggle to live planetside, after becoming an admiral, but this one is supposed to be domestic fluff. So I fixed the tone issue, if anyone wants to check it out!

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I’m sure a lot of people have seen these already, but just in case, have some Hannibal and Will themed lofi (Credit: Jay Rose and Ambiance Magic on youtube)

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If anybody sees this, please tell me your cute nicknames for your pets

I call my cat Bunny, Noodle, and Ms Toes 

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hey if you died right now whats your ghost outfit you cant change it be honest

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RIP to myself in 2014, when I stayed up all night reading a fanfiction, only to realize at 5am that I had two hours to get ready for work. At my customer service job. 

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nature documentary narrator voice: ah, the mutual pine, one of fanfiction’s most distinguished tropes

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Same

when u feel zjierb

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Honestly, it makes a lot of sense that Brian would leave, why bother working for polygon when you can earn $20k a month by working at home and being your own b

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me, watching weekly episodes in 2013: Hannibal is so conniving, so sneaky! 

Me, binge watching the show now: Hannibal you might as well write “Gay Cannibal” on your goddamn forehead 

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This is amazing and i’m losing it omfg <3

Hi my name is Will Lamb’ofgod Encephalitis Cannibal Graham and I have encephalitis (that’s how I got my name) and short curly brown hair and weird long shaggy bangs that cover half my forehead and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Hugh Dancy (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not dating Hannibal Lecter but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a murder suspect but my career is still intact. I’m also an FBI profiler and teacher, and I work at a place called the FBI Academy in Quantico where I teach about crime. I’m a white guy (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly flannel. I love Bass Pro Shop and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a white t-shirt with blue flannel around it and khakis, glasses and oxfords. I was walking outside the Quantico FBI Academy. It was good fishing season, which I was very happy about. Garrett Jacob Hobbs stared at me. I put up my middle finger at him.

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Reblog if you've ever read a fic that was better than published books