we-are-me-and-we-are-free

[we-are-me-and-we-are-free]

Ever delete a comment not because you're ashamed of it, but because you don't feel like telling people they aren't entitled to argue with you? That I don't use the internet to argue? People get so offended when you insist on this boundary. As if what you've said is an important article to be peer reviewed and not just a meme said offhand without much thought. I'm not invested in arguing... that's why I left reddit. Maybe using comments is my error. What you and I say here is ultimately immaterial and not worth the energy to fight over. But because of my blunt and direct way of communicating, people get offended when I don't sugarcoat my thoughts to them. When I say I don't care, it means arguing this does not matter to me, it's not an invitation to try and make me care.

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It's so weird to get it. It's so weird to understand that the way I respond to things sometimes is because of aspd. When I say or do something wrong, and people don't like it and tell me, the bad feeling i get is that of contempt and aggression not of guilt or shame. I'm sad that people are upset and defensive because I don't like fighting and abuse history brings up bad memories. Me not feeling bad about saying something wrong is normal. It's all about how others react to me that determines how I feel. No wonder I'm a chameleon.

People get so mad when I say I don't care, like it's a dig at them, like I'm insulting them, when it's an honest expression of how I feel. I thought unmasking was important? Is that only true if you don't have a personality disorder? Fuck that. All or nothing.

I'll own up to my mistakes when I feel I've made them, cuz admitting I'm wrong hurts about as much as getting a glass of water, but it's just getting over this irritable aggression I feel towards people who address me with rudeness. It's confusing for others but it's just how I am

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Another aspd thing I enjoy are compliments. They are weird socially, people can get the wrong idea sometimes, but in general people like a compliment. And now that I've learned how to do it, people love compliments from pretty girls. Even if they're tgirls. My partners like how I make them feel special with my direct compliments, it's an easy way to make someone feel better! I compliment service workers by saying stuff like wow that was fast, thank you! Or complimenting a cashiers memory for dozens of different product codes, something my poor little brain could never easily do. Sure, maybe sometimes people think I'm flirting with them, but isn't it nice when a pretty person likes you? I never compliment things people can't control unless I have an established relationship with them where that's okay btw, cuz otherwise that's creep behavior. Compliment a stranger today!

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And I switched. Oopsies shouldn't have wrote a post about that lol! I'm okay. Just.. dang it feels so bad when it happens

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[we-are-me-and-we-are-free]

I'm glad to know about my disorder because I've always wondered why am I like this? Why can I be a cunt sometimes? I am impulsive, irritable, unconcerned about social norms, and I lack most guilt when I hurt people beyond worrying about consequences. This is not a good combo, I have hurt myself countless times being like this. I am mentally ill, but I don't feel that way. I can put on other alters who are better at being prosocial, but deep down, usually, I have to make myself feel guilt and think through the "right" thing to do.

This is commonly described as being a sociopath. A term i do not identify with.

I care about people. I love people. I love animals and I love people being happy. I love making people happy because it makes me happy, which in my broken brain is the most important thing. I won't hurt you because I value you and what you mean to me. I will move heaven and earth for the people I care about, since I don't care about social norms I can keep caring long after others would abandon someone. Social norms that say to disparage sex workers, addicts, the mentally ill, the poor, neurodivergent, other races all mean NOTHING to me. I am not persuaded by these hateful lines of thought! All people are worth it!!

I am liberated from negative social norms. I talk back to unjust authority at work, I will be there any time of day for you, because people are just that important to me if I like you.

But! I am also capable of being a right cunt! This is something i need to continually monitor, as I'll casually say somethings that hurts or is bad for me and just won't notice. When someone points it out, maybe ill care, maybe ill just get annoyed. As I said, I'm working on it. Being prosocial does not come naturally to me. I have stolen, lied, cheated, bullied, hated, abused, victimized for a long time. It's only since I became disabled in 2018 that I really started changing my ways.

Please have empathy for people with personality disorders. Many people see them as "bad person disease" which is so unfair and untrue. I've met NPD, BPD, ASPD, HPD, and we all SUFFER for out diseases. Sure, we can be negative, but that comes from great pain and a warped sense of reality and self.

I am not going to tell people about this due to the stigma. I want people to trust me snd treat me like a normal person, and since I'm already trans and a system I really can't afford to be any more off the wall than I already am. Antisocial looks terrible on a transfem to the public.

Like I said, something I'm working on.

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happy pride

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It's only superficial charm if you don't mean it. I mean it in the sense that I think what im saying is true, and it accomplishes my goal, which is making you feel better, which makes me feel better! It really surprised me when an autistic person said I don't seem autistic, turns out it's dissociation and a personality disorder. Makes way more sense in that context! Sure, I'm crazy but I love other people being happy, so please don't judge.

If I ever say or post anything you find objectionable, please address it, and we'll figure it out. I am a reasonable person. Deranged, unhinged, antisocial, but caring, loving, and contemplative. I always thought I couldn't be aspd because of those latter traits. But no! Aspd is nowhere near that simple. Sure, I feel compelled to do bad things. Sure, I dont feel that bad when I do something wrong as long as I don't get hurt. Sure, I'm cold in a way people find charming and unnerving.

But! These traits exist alongside my positive ones. I've met many people in labor with similar stories, good people with bad histories. Caring souls in a bad situation.

Some of the most genuine and thoughtful people I've ever met are people who've made huge mistakes and paid for them. Ex-cons, drifters, addicts, losers and freaks the lot of us. I feel more at home with these then with the people I got a bachelors in studying the law with. Those people, so repressed, so boring, so unexamined and untarnished. Those who would be police and lawyers cannot relate to us, the wretched.

Did you know aspd is only diagnosed in poor people? That had I been born rich, I'd be considered a real go-getter, someone who makes tough decisions but gets the job done, a business lizard. But since I'm poor, these impulses have no productive outlet early on except mischief and risk taking. Being antisocial is only a problem if you're poor. Funny isn't it? How a person willing to go further is pathologized or lionized based on their class.. almost like the diagnosis doesn't help me, it doesn't serve me, because there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just me. The situation I've been placed in leads me to survive in any way I can, instead of ripping people off and getting rich.

So what to do? I've been told that people don't know what aspd is, but I argue if I tell them and then they google it.. and see the list of symptoms like lying, crime, coldness, manipulative, lack of guilt, and it's association with various murderers and con men, they'd not trust me. They'd pre judge me. Some aspd folks(men) have this idgaf attitude about it, but maybe they shouldn't. Few people I know will know this about me. My Doctor, anybody I'm romantically involved with, and followers of this blog.

Did you know if someone has a substance use disorder they're 11x more likely to have aspd? This is because aspd sucks the joy and life out of life. It all feels so dull. It's why i can only focus on love, drugs, excitement, and comfort. All else seems so grey and lame. This isn't depression, I have that too and it feels different. Please have sympathy for those with personality disorders, we are not villains, we are not evil, and we are not irredeemable. Npd, bpd, aspd, hpd, spd, avpd, szpd, ppd, dpd, we all suffer greatly. Please reserve empathy for us, as we have that too despite what some of our dxs say.

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It crazy that I'm having trouble sleeping, it really shows how real DID is as I used to sleep so well and consistently.. but now between that and the zoloft I can't easipy get to sleep, I wake up at 2am, or less than an hour before I'd want to wake up. Haven't had trouble sleeping in many years, but now I do. What a strange disorder

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I might have aspd, or at least I have the traits. I first suspected this years ago along with my other big thing, DID. I thought no, surely I've not gone through enough to have DID (didn't know I was trans) and aspd? Nah thats what murderers have and you are just an edgy cunt who has odd ideas about yourself.

But no. I think I have it.

It's highly stigmatized, so only this blog and my partners will know this about me. Please don't view this disorder as the bad person disease, it just means I need to think things through more than other people as to behave in a prosocial manner. I don't hurt people anymore.

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I think my cat can tell when I'm a defensive alter, I was like that for a few days, and she didn't want anything to do with me. But yesterday morning, I woke up as this version of me, and she greeted me as if I had been away for a while. It was so interesting to notice this, I think it's always been this way, but I only noticed the switching recently. I've been noticing so many differences now. I am happy to finally have a real grasp on what's going on in my head, but wow, is it a stealthy thing that hides itself from you. I still have to convince myself it's all real. I know I'll get better eventually, this has just been so monumental for me I can't stop talking about it.

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Are you obsessive? I decompartmentalized an alter, and we ate him. No we are all more like him, for better or for worse. The obsessive thoughts are back for the first time in years

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I ate too much broccoli as a child

Why are you lgbtq+? wrong answers only GO

[we-are-me-and-we-are-free]

Oh i get it now. I'm going crazy