weeandfrank

[weeandfrank]

Dear Frank,

I had this realization... Or perhaps speculation (for it's all relative) about myself that I'm curious to hear your thoughts on...

I think my... Way of being in the world...I often feel closer or more connected to someone than they do to me. And I get really excited and intense and come on very strong with wanting to know them and wanting them to know me and to explore all sorts of topics... Which creates a freak out/avoidance/shut down in them... Which then leads to vulnerability hang over and defensive shut down and feelings of rejection in myself. And fortifies the belief that I'm trying to dissolve that I'm "too much" and "crushable" but hard to love.

But.

As I'm making more essence friends and connections, I'm finding those who stick around and mirror my desire for connection.

I also want to acknowledge that the very pattern I just described, I've been on the other end as well... Not being able to handle someone's intensity. So... Perhaps it's a dance and we're all getting our footing.

[weeandfrank]

Don't give me a love that's subtle. If you're coming for me, come bare-knuckled, with guns blazing. Come ready to wipe soot off my heart, which has been burned before. And come bravely, or not at all. Timidity bores me, and anything ordinary must be meant for someone else. Not me. I want love like lightning, and passion that's borderline violent.

I still remember walking away from my own body, and if I can do that, what makes you think I'll wait for anything that isn't everything?

I'm not in this for safety and security, give me your knives and cut me open. But please, cut me deeply. Some of us become so calloused that our touch is too

rough for anyone soft.

My heart is black, my eyes opened wide.

I don't smile as often,

but I'll always love too hard,

or not at all.

[weeandfrank]

Dear Frank,

I still sometimes write you letters here even though I know you no longer have access.

There's so much rattling around in my brain. So much I've wanted to say...to someone.

Life has felt so strange for some time. I have a hard time describing what I mean. I don't feel real. This doesn't feel real. I so often feel as though I'm playing pretend at living. At life. At being an adult. All the while at various times becoming bored of this game, of the rules that I don't really follow because I find them dumb or nonsensical...I lose sight of the point of the game...of how to win...I lose my competitive edge...it seems as though the other players have become distracted or wandered off...as often happens at parties ...the game has lost it's novelty...or sometimes I'm the one that's wandered off...

I was inspired to write back here by a book I recently read--I've been reading a lot lately...a healthier [relatively speaking] check-out coping mechanism for this existential depression as I'm momentarily terming it, than other alternatives. The book, I think know you would love, is called Normal People. The main characters, Connell and Marianne, write lengthy emails to each other as a means of staying in touch through long periods of physical distance. The dynamic between them is different--they are in love and you and I are siblings...but they understand one another better than anyone...I'm not going to attempt to give a synopsis as I'm notorious for butchering them; you'll just have to trust my judgement and look it up for yourself.

This book has elicited in me...longing. Heart ache. It's re-opened this yearning to be seen and to be known and to be the main character in my own tragic romance. I long to feel passion and to have my heart ache for someone. I long to feel. I've been in this strange, liminal space of...existing. I've strangely lost my sense of how to socially maneuver, how to flirt and, at times it seems, how to even hold a basic conversation; especially if my mind is set on existing publicly in my own space. Just yesterday I was at the diner down the street from my place...I ordered my food and took my table number scanning the tables for a seat. I awkwardly made eye contact with these two guys, obviously not from here...handsome...and tucked into a table next to them. Several more times we made eye contact and I shyly smiled but my mind went blank...one of them smiled and complimented my leg warmers as they left...I looked back at the anatomy notes I'd nerdily brought in with me to study while I ate and contemplated how I'd lost my mojo. Not that I ever had any mojo...and thus soared back down that mental spiral of my deficits and how many times in my life I've shut myself off to letting people in.

I tipsily allowed emotions to wash over me this evening. Recollecting that feeling that I used to have that "no one really knows me." The realization that I've sunk back into this self-protective space washed over me. Why would I continue to share parts of me that I find significant, vulnerable, valuable to have them disregarded and not valued...each time that happened perhaps I shut myself off a little bit more from exposing these parts of me...

And then I remember that I'm likely creating a dramatized story of these occurrences in my life because I feel insignificant and lacking in...gumption for life...

A friend asked my recently how things were going. I responded:

"I'm pretty good. I'm in the thick of school which...I don't think I ever fully wrapped my mind around the intensity this would be. It's been great. Life-altering. I'm dealing with a strained thumb which is just part of it I think. I need to find alternative ways to do things that doesn't hurt my body ... Turns out I have hyper-mobility in my joints. Don't know how I've gone 36+years of my life not Knowing that but alas, now I know."

It felt true. But...came lightyears short of answering the question of "how are things?" How can I answer this when, the truth is, I don't know. I couldn't answer with "nothing feels real" or "I'm just waiting for civilization to unravel" (as that's the direction we seem to be heading)...or "they're fine, just fucking fine."

It's been a long time since I've had a lengthy conversation with someone where I felt utterly unrestrained and not self-conscious in the sense that not only is it ok to share about my experience, it's desired and appreciated. And vice versa, I was eager to hear about the other person. Or that I felt a connection with a kindred spirit.

It at least feels nice to get some thoughts out. Even if they go un-witnessed. Even all this doesn't come close to capturing what I'm feeling, experiencing, the depth of longing. But, then again, I'm just remembering that an intention I had for this 36th year of my life was to embrace the ordinary, the mundane experience. Perhaps that's what's being called for here. Sitting with the strangeness that is existence and embracing the ordinary.

[weeandfrank]

Leonard Cohen said his teacher once told him that the older you get the lonelier you become, and the deeper the love you need. This is because, as we go through life, we tend to over-identify with being the hero of our stories.

This hero isn’t exactly having fun: he’s getting kicked around, humiliated, and disgraced. But if we can let go of identifying with him, we can find our rightful place in the universe, and a love more satisfying than any we’ve ever known.

People constantly throw around the term 'Hero’s Journey' without having any idea what it really means. Everyone from CEOs to wellness-influencers thinks the Hero’s Journey means facing your fears, slaying a dragon, and gaining 25k followers on Instagram. But that’s not the real hero’s journey.

In the real hero’s journey, the dragon slays YOU. Much to your surprise, you couldn’t make that marriage work. Much to your surprise, you turned forty with no kids, no house, and no prospects. Much to your surprise, the world didn’t want the gifts you proudly offered it.

If you are foolish, this is where you will abort the journey and start another, and another, abusing your heart over and over for the brief illusion of winning.

But if you are wise, you will let yourself be shattered, and return to the village, humbled, but with a newfound sense that you don’t have to identify with the part of you that needs to win, needs to be recognized, needs to know. This is where your transcendent life begins.

So embrace humility in everything. Life isn’t out to get you, nor are your struggles your fault.

Every defeat is just an angel, tugging at your sleeve, telling you that you don’t have to keep banging your head against the wall.

Leave that striver there, trapped in his lonely ambitions. Just walk away, and life in its vastness will embrace you.

- Paul Weinfield

...Probably the most important piece I've read in a while.

Respectfully walking, L'

[weeandfrank]

“Every moment has the possibility of delighting us, nurturing us, supporting us - if we are here to see it. Life is a tremendous gift, but most of us are missing it because we are watching a mental movie of our lives instead. As we learn to trust in the moment and to value awareness, we learn how to turn off the internal mood projector and start living a much more interesting life - the one we are actually starring in.” ― Don Richard Riso, The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types

[weeandfrank]

Dear Frank,

I have a confession...actually it's a realization. Something I didn't realize was my truth until this very moment...Or perhaps I did but wouldn't allow myself to see or believe it...

Most people have goals, dreams...they want this job or to have that life, that house, achieve this brand of success...I've never been able to figure that out for myself--what it is that I want out of life. I want to be happy, radically happy. I knew that. But how...I didn't know. It just occurred to me that that happiness involves a person. That one person who I LOVE. Who I'm in love with. Who sees me more than anyone I've ever known and chooses me over and over and who I choose back. The person who makes me feel safe.

These are things I've resisted. I've always felt like I needed to by hyper independent and not need a partner. I felt like security is an illusion and I would be more evolved if I didn't need security. I didn't want to be cliche and settle into a monogamous relationship. I didn't want to WANT or NEED another person to make me happy. And perhaps I don't NEED that. But I am finally realizing and willing to accept that ho fuck, do I want it.

That. Is what living is for. Love. To be IN LOVE. To crave being with you PERSON. To know that you could be doing anything under the sun--exciting, mundane, hard...whatever it is, this is who you want to be doing it with. This person you trust. This person brings out the best in you. This person. This person. This person.

[weeandfrank]

It was a day of simple pleasures...

Poetry on the couch

Kitty paws in my lap

Rain patters beyond the window pane

Celestial leggings and loungeware

Check ins with friends

Exploring music...adding to the que

Writing on a whim

Eating too, in that fashion.

Gratitude and deep breaths.

Observing

Existing

[weeandfrank]

I am learning...

I can be sad

And ok.

I can have strong emotions

And not be out of control, at their whim.

I can experience things like guilt, jealousy, envy, anger...

(The shadow sides of the human experience)

And still be GOOD.

I can forever be a work in progress

And

So fucking enough just as I am.

I can fail to be perfect

A thousand times a day

And be right on track with my path.

I can connect in my imperfection.

I can inspire, motivate, invite, hold space

In my imperfection.

I can create

I can grow

I can learn hard lessons

In my imperfection.

Despite the daily riots of my inner demons

I show up

Time and again.

That's something.

Even when I can't find a reason,

I know I'm just being petty;

There's always a reason.

And I seek out my people

I put pen to paper

Put my body into motion

Question my judgements and criticisms

I ride out the storm.

And remember

How much I love storms.

[weeandfrank]

[weeandfrank]

Sometimes I can't find my way out of my own darkness

Talk myself in circles

Can't remember where I started

or why.

I have learned to no longer be afraid

I sit in a type of melancholy

Wondering how I got here again

The familiar weight of paralyzing indecision

Discontent

Reminding myself how this is the journey

this is courage

this is IT. The why

and i have no choice but to walk on

[weeandfrank]

For Mom

Bobbie Sue is a saint.

You just have to meet her to love her.

You would think her path was paved with peace

softer than the tender moss

on the forest floor

but it wasn't.

Instead it was paved by

sunglasses and foundation

and bloody noses before school even starts.

You see

when they said "misery loves company"

they must have been talking about my granny.

A husband who drinks and uses fists

to express his feelings

a whole life plagued by the greedy hands of men

meant to protect her

who knew 'protection' meant taking liberty with young bodies.

But behavior is learned

and instead of learning to change

Alease learned to perpetuate violence.

Gentle little Bobbie Sue

lover of animals music and nature

needed to learn the same lessons her mother learned.

Like cement over green earth

the cycle of violence hardened over my mother

and like the petals of the dandelion

poking it's head through the cracks,

she chose a different path;

one of laughter joy and gentleness.

The cycle of her mother and her mother's mother

would be broken.

Her daughters would never know

the violent black and blue

only the caress of the sun

because Bobbie Sue is a saint

and saints change the world.

[weeandfrank]

Dear Frank,

I am happy

And I am sad

Boiled down to basics.

But really, I am everything.  

And nothing

All at once 

I am figuring out

How to exist

In a world that doesn't make sense to me 

How to be

A little more free

How to relax

Into the flow

Trusting

that when I let go

I will know how to fly

Or swim

Or breath under water.

[weeandfrank]

Dear Frank,

I will (very hopefully) be speaking with you tonight, BUT wanted to get this thought out while it's fresh in revelation. ...

I'm realizing that much of what I've been blaming Casey for, this BIG SAD (as I think you've referred to it)... It's not her fault. At least not entirely. Yes, I was hurt and devastated by what happened. But what's lingering now I think is really the BIG SAD that has resurfaced. And, in all honesty, I think it was largely dormant while Casey and I were together; a testament to our love perhaps, as flawed as it could be. But the sad and shame and insecurities that I've been sitting with lately... They were here a long time before Casey. They are mine alone to remember and confront... Therein lies the next phase of shadow work. Here we go.

[weeandfrank]

This is 34.

... It's funny, I've never been much of a planner of the future. Though I didn't have any solid ideas of where I'd be in life at this point, I'd say this is quite different than where I thought I'd be... And perhaps exactly as I thought...I'm far from having "it" all figured out. I have no more "stability" in my life in terms of permanence than when I was 20... I'm feeling ok with that. My body is feeling a little worse for the wear and my heart's taken some beatings... But I can genuinely say I'm mentally and emotionally, soulfully better than I have ever been. I've grown up a lot... I'm more clear on what's most important to me:

Love. Love is always the better choice over fear. Over hate and bitterness. Learning the art of letting go. Of speaking my truth. Boundaries as acts of self love. Never to apologize for being "too much", "too sensitive", "too soft", "too whatever". Compassionate honesty as the driving force for any relationship. I'll never stop working on myself to be the best version of me. Friendships require maintenance, give and take, and love. And are invaluable. Express gratitude in the moment. Tell someone what they mean to you. The only certainty we have is this very moment. Dance barefoot. Have cake for breakfast. Balance. Drink lots of water. Take mental health days when you really need them. Challenge yourself to stick with something when it's hard; the payoff will be worth it. So much growth comes out of pain and struggle. You just have to be determined to not let ANYTHING break you... And if it does, put the pieces back together as a beautiful mosaic. See the beauty among the mess. Be real. Don't spiritual bypass. Feel the feels. Move your body through them. Let them out. Take time to reflect; finish the experience; find meaning. And by goddess, make time for the things you enjoy in life. Face the hard things head on; calling on your support crew when it's not something you can face alone. Be vulnerable... To the right people; those who deserve to witness your story. It can be so healing and connecting. Do more of what makes you feel alive!

So yeah... Here's to getting better with age!

[weeandfrank]

Dear Frank,

Thoughts on wandering the wilderness...

Wandering the wilderness--

A catchy theme for a book on worthiness and shame--

Ingredients for the human experience.

What's it like?

It's hard to breath

Sometimes

In the high altitudes of anxiety

And in the grimy depths of the bog of despair

(ok I stole...ahem "borrowed" that one from The Labyrinth; and yes it's cheesy)

Sometimes

You realize you packed and prepared better than you expected

Sometimes you surprise yourself

And sometimes

You realize you're woefully unprepared

You miscalculated the supplies you'd need

And how long you'd be gone

So better get that brain going

Kick that critical thinking into high gear

Adapt

Plans A, B, C... What are you on? M?

AFOG

Another fucking opportunity to grow

Here's the other kicker--

So often it's the case that you didn't have time to prepare at all

It was a GTFO with the clothes on your back

No map

No cellphone

No gps

No TikTok,Snapchat,Facebook,tweeter...

They won't work here anyway

But what are they compared to stars?

Or to the rivers and the winds or your spirit guides?

You've been relying on the wrong navigation systems to find your way

Revelation

In the wilderness

You lose yourself to find yourself

Surrender

Become that which you've been running from

You will not be burned up by the fire, darling

You are the fucking fire.

[weeandfrank]

Dear Wee,

I think it’s time to talk about the big SAD. I’d love to be able to say, “Oh, it’s just seasonal affective disorder! I just need more sunlight. I just need to spend some time outside. I just need to find ways to be active. I just...” But the truth is that while that is certainly a powerful factor in my sadness, it’s not the sole factor. In reality, I am just fucking sad sometimes. You spoke about feeling lost and I understand that in the most intimate way. I’m so hidden from myself that I’m questioning if I ever really knew myself at all. I know I’ve said it before, but it takes time to heal such a gaping wound. I spent so much time hiding my true self from others (for the sake of amicability) that I’m not sure I can pinpoint a time of life where I was unequivocally myself. And that makes me really sad. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are aspects of my life that are going very right. I love my job, I stupid love my kids, I really love exposing them to the truth in the world. But the burden of responsibility and expectation is crushing my spirit. I used to seek, to enjoy deep conversation, to reach out to others. Now I have to have the answers, not just for my students but for my colleagues. As pretentious as it sounds, there’s an insane weight that comes with being good at your job. The better you are, the more everyone thinks you can handle. And in the education world, there are never enough people to lead, direct, spearhead, advocate for everything kids deserve. I’m exhausted. I’m terrified of not doing a good job. I’m burdened by empathy. 

I’m not sure where to go from here.  

[weeandfrank]

"Astrology reminds us that we are exactly as we are supposed to be for good reason. On purpose and with a purpose that we must live out if we want to feel any kind of fulfillment. " -Chani Nicholas You Were Born for This