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Hit my highest ever weight yesterday- 164 lbs.

I’m trying to focus on just making a positive change instead of how much I hate that I’ve gained weight.

I fasted all day yesterday and made a nice overnight bone broth which I had for lunch today because I started feeling woozy. I also had a couple of ramen eggs in the broth for some protein. That shit was tasty.

It feels pretty good to have a 40-hour fast under my belt so far this week though. I’ll probably just have a bit more broth for dinner and keep the progress going. And go to bed early, I’ve been feeling exhausted lately. I’d like to be back down in the 150s by the end of this week, which I think is pretty doable since it’ll mostly be water weight. I weighed in at 162.2 lbs today, so I just have to lose at least 2.3 lbs to hit that goal.

I’m feeling good about it!

[weightlosswilly]

1/20/2021

Weight: 159.6 lbs

I’ve been having these spells where suddenly I’ll feel very faint and have lots of heart palpitations. They can last for hours. I tested positive for covid ~24 days ago, so it could be lasting effects from that. My blood test & vitals are normal, but I’m still waiting to get my echocardiogram and EKG results. I usually take Adderall 2x/day, but I haven’t for the past couple of weeks because my doctor told me not to until I get my heart test results back.

While I was sick with covid, I fell pretty damn behind at work. I worked every day, but it’s like my brain wouldn’t work right and everything took me 5x as long to do (and a few days I had panic attacks from not being able to breathe, so that slowed down my productivity as well). I’m finally starting to feel a little more normal as far as brain fog goes, thankfully. But not taking adderall still has a huge effect on my productivity at work.

Those are the two main reasons that I’ve been stressed lately. And the stress has caused me to eat and drink like an asshole. I’ve gained weight. I’ll fix healthy meals for myself just to devour them and go back soon to just eat more and more. I’ll convince myself that after such a rough day at work, I deserve a glass of wine afterwards. And once I finish it, I’ll go grab the whole bottle from the fridge.

I’ll do better tomorrow. I have to, or else I’ll just keep getting fatter. Even my fat clothes are starting to get too small. Wish me luck 💕

[weightlosswilly]

Journal: 1/2/2021

Weight: 156.2 lbs

Today I’m eating this slice of ‘za, and a bottle of Grigio. Still recovering from covid, I’ve got 3 days left before I get to leave quarantine. I wish it didn’t have to come so soon tbh. Just been sleeping like 12-14 hours a day lately due to the overwhelming fatigue/exhaustion, but I have so much more I need to get done (I just moved, lots of stuff at home to unpack and get sorted out). I have fallen so far behind at work that I don’t even want to think about it. I’ve been working from home, but have had horrible brain fog. This virus is just making me so fucking tired. But I’m getting better.

A few days ago (4 days after testing positive) I was working (from home) at like 9pm and realized I couldn’t breathe right. Told myself it would be better in the morning, and finally managed to fall asleep around 3am and get a couple hours rest. It was worse when I woke up. It felt like my lungs were being constricted and squeezed, or like I was breathing through a tiny straw. My lungs ached for air and alarm bells were going off in my head like “NEED AIR NOW” but no matter how hard or how deeply I tried to breathe, it didn’t help. I was completely panicking; I was crying uncontrollably. I needed air so bad. I called the doctor 4 times lol. I told them I thought the anxiety that not being able to breathe was causing was making it worse (my blood-oxygen level wasn’t at dangerous levels), but they said they couldn’t help with that (it was my primary care doctor). They prescribed a Z-pack and an inhaler to help open my lungs and tried to get me to go to the ER, then eventually just made me promise to go if it doesn’t get better (all the hospitals here have been beyond full for a while due to covid, the ER is fucking packed. Their oxygen supply is running out and I doubt they would be able to help right now, other than just give me a massive bill). My boyfriend brought me some of his lorazapam, thank God. It helped, and I could get some sleep... I was running on a total of like 5 hours of sleep for the past 3 days. I just had so much work to do, and the covid/fever brain fog was making me work so much slower, so I barely had time to sleep and then the anxiety from not being able to breathe was keeping me from sleeping the few hours that I could.

But right now, after a few days of rest, I can breathe. And holy shit, I am so fucking thankful. I don’t have a fever, either. I still can’t smell or taste, but I know that’ll come back soon.

When my boyfriend brought me lorazapam while I was panicking, and I took it and was started to feel better, he started talking about how he was horny. He didn’t push me (I was so sick lol) but I felt a bit bad that he’s been having to take care of me like this, so we got into it a bit. He was giving me a massage, and I was laying on my stomach, naked. He told me to roll over and I just... couldn’t. I’m so fucking fat, y’all. I can’t let him see how bad it is. I put a shirt on and told him I was just more comfortable like that, and he tried to reassure me that he still thinks I’m sexy. It’s so embarrassing. That I can’t even let him see me.

I guess like they say: new year, new me. I just need to be skinny again. Need to feel like myself again. Need to give a shit about myself again. I remember when I used to be under 100 lbs... I almost never ate anything and everyone made comments about me, but I felt good about it. I’m 156.2, so first I’ll just buckle down and lose 36.2 and I’m sure I’ll feel better then, and be able to wear some of my old clothes that I’ve gotten too big for!

Wish me luck, today and tomorrow and the next one will be great, I swear it.

[weightlosswilly]

Welp. My boss has been sick since Monday. He hasn’t been wearing a mask, and has just been breathing on all of us all week (and casually joking about having covid). He texted everyone Christmas Eve to say he does actually have covid 🤦‍♀️ There are 9 employees at this company, and so far 7 of us are sick (including me). It’s bout to be a real weird week at work. I’m getting a covid test in the morning.

[weightlosswilly]

I don’t think there are words to describe how exhausted I’ve felt lately. Like life is just one constant hustle where I have to be 100% on and constantly rushing 100% of the time. Wake up at 6am and rush to get ready for then drive to work. Rushing at work to try and get everything done in time. Then leaving work at 6pm to try and rush around and do what I have to before I can sleep. Lie in bed with my anxieties a bit, and get a few hours of fitful sleep before I do it again. And again.

It would just be really, really nice to have time to just sit and watch a movie or some tv or something. Or do stuff like laundry, find a psychiatrist to see, unpack some of the boxes I’ve been living out of (recently moved), or have a date night with my boyfriend. I think I’ll have a weekend without too many obligations in 2 weeks from now, so I just need to hold out until then. I need a good night’s sleep so badly.

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[weightlosswilly]

This is... very embarrassing. BUT I hit my first weight loss goal of 150 lbs today, so I’m posting this to keep myself motivated and to keep track of progress. I’ll post more pics when I get to my next goal, 140 lbs. Wish me luck! (And sorry y’all had to see this lol).

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@fashiongagaohlala

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