welcometobeanpaste

[welcometobeanpaste]

24 October 2019

Last Wednesday, we had an advance class for HST 3241. Mrs. de Castro told us to practice our writing by keeping a journal or narrating our day to day life. Hence, here I am writing. I remember creating this tumblr account for that exact purpose, but I cannot remember why I never got around to it. Anyhow, I should probably start my writing now.

I started my day by waking up feeling exhausted. It has been a reoccurring feeling lately, and it happens even if I haven’t done any physical activity the day before. That feeling of exhaustion is the reason why I arrived late for class. My body felt very heavy and my movement was slow. It’s as if I was bound to chains. The travel to class was not a fun ride either, as I was feeling cranky because of the fact that I was already late. Moreover, I still felt exhausted. Upon entering the classroom, I felt even worse. The atmosphere inside had a hint of hostility, and I hear my professor reprimanding two of my blockmates. It was not a pretty sight especially that I hate that professor. Needless to say that at this point, I was in a muted mood. It’s that mood wherein I feel equally annoyed, sad and tired. I call it muted, because I prefer to keep to myself and mute myself to others. And when I say mute, I mean mute how I really feel and put on my usual persona for others. It’s something I have grown up with, to please people around me regardless of their relationship with me. Don’t worry, I already hate myself for that. So there I was, sitting through class after class, talking to people after people and just being there. Internally though, the invisible chains that seem to weigh me down seemed to get heavier by the minute. I felt more exhausted every time and it got to the point that I felt vulnerable. My chest even tightened at some point. I’m aware that at this point, I may have lost my objective in writing this narration. This would not be passable for my major subject, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel okay, and I want someone to know that even if it’s a stranger from the internet. The whole time I would always invalidate my feelings and tell myself I don’t have the right to feel unwell. I have it better than most people and whining about my current situation is just not fair. I have been here. Probably not the exact same thing, but something similar. I got through that and I should be able to get through this one as well. However, I have realized today that I have grown weaker. I’ve lost my grip. I am floating and vulnerable. The essence of myself is slowly disintegrating. I have become useless and pitiful and disappointing and unlovable and a whole lot more. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate that I can’t say anything to anyone. I hate that the one person I trust the most, the one person who would know exactly what to say isn’t here anymore. I wish she took me with her. 

I am sad. I don’t know when or if this is even a thing, but I’m sad. This sadness is always in the back of my mind. It resides in me. It just so happens that sometimes, it grows. It takes up a lot of me and could sometimes influence me. Sometimes, it is quiet. And I can feel all the happiness and the hope that there is. I can see many possibilities for me and the change I could create for me and for others. It confuses me. I don’t know if I am okay. Should I seek for help? I mostly believe that I don’t. Not because I have anything against that, but because I don’t really need it, that it’s just me being dramatic. I also think that if it so happens that I need help, people around me would need to look after me. And I don’t want that. I want to be the one to help them, not the other way around. A part of me also wishes that it wouldn’t be the case, because I don’t want to spend the rest of my waking hours being treated by people with extra caution. I don’t know. Again, I’m confused, and I hate myself.