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The Illiac Passion (1967) // dir. Gregory Markopoulos

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By Miguel Reveriego for Vanity Fair Magazine - 2013

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Lincolnton, Georgia

built in 1945

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I think I'm the worst person in the WORLD. I couldn't even give beau what he needed. I'm actually so ashamed. First I missed his big day and then this. Maybe I should just kms

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Does anyone else remember that time when I went through a Mark Robson phase😭 Phew what a time!

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did you see callum and dua starting a production company together?

They did what?! Oh boy idk if this is a good thing 😭 What's it called?

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for love and lemons

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I'm serious I can't feel anything HIT ME

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It might sound crazy, but every time I think of River I think of that quote from The Fault in Our Stars. Because it perfectly describes how I feel about him. I didn't actually know who River was really for the longest time. I loved Joaquin but I knew nothing about his brother. Which is so unusual for me, because usually when I love someone like that I want to know everything about them. I don't think I was ready to have this many emotions about someone I'd never met. But I remember when I found River through MOPI I fell in love with him like you fall asleep, slowly and then all at once. I don't know how else to describe it other than drowning. I was so happily drowning in him and his life and his words. God do I love him. More than I think I've ever loved anyone, I love him so much its hard to breathe sometimes, it kind of hurts. But I'd take a day like today over and over again if it means I can have River in my life. I miss him so desperately but especially on a day like today. I'll keep writing these posts because he keeps on giving to me. Blessing me with knowledge and strength and a faith I could only ever have in him. My life would be so barren, so empty without the knowledge of him, that I'll take this pain. Every year for the rest of my days. Because he's so worth it. The beauty he's brought to my life is so so worth it. It's been 30 years and I still love him. I still need him. I still adore him. He's everything I have and all I need. Rest in peace my sweet, complicated, captivating summer boy. I'll never forget you.

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This is my day. Cry about it. I love him.

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“How strange to hear that he left us in the middle of the night in front of a Sunset Strip nightclub”

— Richard Raleigh

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Rio / Celebrate Him

I love him more than I can ever say, and on a day like today I miss him more deeply than I can ever say. He’s my reason for breathing and I feel him with me every day. My heart physically aches when I think about him. Sometimes it’s hard to draw the line between the time to feel the loss and the time to celebrate the life. We remember him always that much is certain. But a day like today is a time to celebrate him, yes he’s gone but let’s not forgot that he lived and this day 47 years ago is when it all began. When he came into the world. He did so much with his short life and is still making an impact now he’s been gone longer than he was ever here. Isn’t that beautiful? Is that not a life well lived. I’m so happy for him that he’s still loved and remembered and changing the world in his absence. Happy Birthday my love and thank you for all your gifts, we did not deserve them.

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Some of my favourites

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More favourites

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It never stops

Yesterday was weird, especially yesterday night. In my head I had all these plans. I was going to wake up, light a candle and let all these good intentions, thoughts, and hopes I had for Rio and his memory float up into the sky. But I didn’t remember to do that, I actually forgot. I only remembered today what day yesterday was. As in the early hours of the morning today. I had been carrying a feeling yesterday that I was incredibly sad, but I couldn’t remember why. I got in the bath and I thought about Rio a lot. I feel like he’s with me some days and yesterday was one of those days. But I never put it all together. But I think that’s a good thing.

I deal with thoughts about River everyday. I see things and I think of him, I listen to his voice as much as I can, I welcome him into my life. I don’t get sad that often to be honest, when I do I sweep it under the rug, I deal with it. But being sad about river is something that I can’t deal with. Period. Its just not something I can deal with. I feel like if I had figured out the two things were connected together it would have been, unbearable. I feel like he was a big part of keeping me in that calm, neutral state, always looking after me, even now.

If I could have said anything yesterday I wouldn’t have talked about how much I miss him, I would have just said this.

The river keeps on flowing, the thing about rivers is that they peter out in one place, but they spring up in another. It may be miles from where you found it, but the important thing is its still the same river, it never stops giving, it never stops flowing, it never ends.

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Infinitely finite.

Whenever I think of River there are so many words I would use to describe him, some good, some bad, he was human after all. I chose these two pictures because one of those words is heart. River was all heart and he saw the world with his heart. It was his greatest strength and his greatest weakness.

The one thing that covers this system in my mind is this thick black ‘finite tar’. Sometimes it almost blocks everything out like an eclipse. His filmography, finite. His pictures, finite. His music, finite. I hate running out of things or using things up. I don’t want to reach the day when I’ve read everything there is to read and seen every picture there is to see or watched every piece of footage of River there is to watch. I just don’t. I hate endings so I don’t think I’ll ever watch his last film because I hate that that’s the end. Finite. He’s not like other artists I enjoy who are still here and still creating. His art is finite. In the group of words that float around my head when I think of River there is only one thing not covered in this black 'finite tar’ I’ve covered everything else with in my mind and that’s his impact. Which is infinite. I remember that and suddenly everything gets unbearably bright and the tar is blasted away. Everywhere you look when people talk about how much they love River they talk about going vegan or being kinder or caring more about the environment. Everyone talks about how their life has changed for the better. Whether someone found him 25 years ago or 2 years ago the stories are still the same. A shift in the way someone lives their life. Everything I do now is moulded and shapes by River and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. Can you imagine being so blessed, so quietly powerful that you can make change, real and impactful change in someone’s life for the better and forever. All the words I could write, all the songs I could sing, but still I couldn’t give him a better gift on his birthday even if I wanted to. He said he wanted to help people and he does. What a gift for River, and what a gift for us, what a way to live forever. Happy Birthday supernova boy.

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I love a good cup of tea, I love the feeling I get at concerts. I love watching a good movie for the first time. I love watch a great film over and over again. I love nostalgia, romanticising the past. I love my friends. But there is nothing. No one. That I love more than River. I will forget my own name before I forget River. I love him with every single fibre of my being. No earthly item or being has wrapped themselves around my soul the way he has, god I love him. I’m so lucky to love him.

The world we have wasn’t good enough for him. We didn’t deserve him, we still don’t but I still feel his spirit here.

The thing about rivers is that they peter out in one place, but they spring up in another. It may be miles from where you found it, but the important thing is its still the same river, it never stops giving, it never stops flowing, it never ends.