wherefearmeetstears

[wherefearmeetstears]

Thank you for taking away my peace

For everything I've done that you won't see

For the days I feel like walking on thin ice; any moment you'd drag me down the sea

Everyday now is a battlefield, carefully avoiding the bullets to keep all in piece

But whatever I do, you still act almighty

The tears and the tries can't fill your greed

That grin, that stares, that ears that won't hear, that words that tries to fit rightly,

Fucking annoying, all is pictured well in mind

You say it's because you want 'the best'

Well I bet it got to be so lonely being you,

to be the only one who's holy.

May all the worse come to pay your price.

May one day I see your fall;

May your day never be nice ever.

Amiin.

[wherefearmeetstears]

Mungkin aku memang lemah

Aku yang lebih memilih lari dan menutup segalanya. Mereka bilang lari bukanlah akhir, tapi itulah yang ku butuhkan

[wherefearmeetstears]

This is the first time having this kind of fear and feels suffocating like literally suffocating. Like you lost control of how to breathe because of that old school

[wherefearmeetstears]

This is the first time having this kind of fear and feels suffocating like literally suffocating. Like you lost control of how to breathe because of that old school

[wherefearmeetstears]

When will I finally stop marking wrong all over my body and on all the steps I take even on the steps I don't. Where was it actually started to then get this much wrong. Too much to fix. Had enough of me seeing me so small, it's really hard to just ignore it.

[wherefearmeetstears]

Dear Mbak Ima,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt gift, thats very kind of you. I hope what you've been preparing this time will go well, and I hope you don't let what happened between us bother you cz genuinely I don't want to blame anyone; neither you nor myself.

I actually have tons of things that I wanna say but I'll try to make it short walaupun ga short² bgt hehe

Firrrrst, please know that you're so kind and the kindest, you deserve all the best in this cold world. Don't u ever point a finger to urself about many things that happened before, okheeey~?^^

Aaand about me, it seems that I need weeks and even months to realize what hurt me most.... and perhaps it's bcs the price for how I value my friends a lot. Most of the times, friends gave me a homey and secured feeling more than what actual home did. I open up to my friends more than I open up to my family. That's why I rely on my friends so much.

And little do people know I always have this fear of being neglected cz it makes me think I was less important and it makes me think bad about myself. Moreover,growing up seeing parents got dissapointed by their problematic son, I always have to carry this good-child roles whole my life thus make me hate to admit if ever I am doing bad.

Ik I am still struggling to understand my mind, but I always know how it feels: painful. So I often running away to escape the feeling. That's why I decided to create a distance. It's not because I hate you but rather the thoughts and feelings that follows. Well ya krn marah jg sih dikit hehe cz the place where I hope I can rely myself on is forgetting me so yeah it got me dissapointed. 😬✌️

Worse, this whole drama we have somehow makes me feel like we're not always close, not always spending times and stories, we're always been like that. Plus, perhaps you can't tell that I sometimes feel left-out too, not only this time. I know I am at fault for never telling you how I felt and it's probably a common thing to happened but my ego keeps saying that's because I am less important to you like "how can you already tell them but not me?" Something like that. 😗

Believe me, as I am writing this the urge to delete it all is huuuuge and I don't like explaining myself, rasanya kayak excuses aja gitu. But I just want you to know my so-called perspectives and don't want you to be sad about this thingy since u have tons to prepare for ur best day rite and please know that it's not that I hate or mad at you. 😁

Lastly, kedepannya aku masih gatau harus gimana cz honestly tho I am no longer mad at you but I am still scared if this thing ever happened again: feeling left-out. ;") thank you so much for staying there mba im and for your apologies, that's really heartwarming. 진짜용♥︎

P.S. aku CC ke nilna jg ya biar aku ga dua kali cerita wkwk lelaaaah soalnyaaa kalau bahasa jakselnya it's emotionally draining wkwk sorry syu ;3

[wherefearmeetstears]

All I want is just a warm hug and a comforting voice saying"thanks for your hardwork today". Spending nights talking with someone, not silence. I am tired keeping all the sh*t that happened here to myself and letting you clueless cause you don't seem bother to even ask . I know I can't complain cause we both have those hard lives and delusional happiness.

[wherefearmeetstears]

I feel better after some cries

But it's often way too painful to bear.

[wherefearmeetstears]

Perhaps I lost my mind. Could I blame it on past loneliness?

I wonder why makes me lost so much...

Every move feels like needles that keep stitching, making me feel it's better to give everything up for the sake of the bruised heart to heal. I know I'll never be okay that way, I apologize for everything I must've lost. Neither can I understand what loneliness has done to me so I fear its exsistence this much. Becoming enemy with any kind of (false) abandonment making me thirsty of attention and validation, left me get sick with these pictures of myself.

Perhaps the feeling of having none has changed me and wipes all the perspective I used to have so now I can't see clear.

[wherefearmeetstears]

If you want to know me

Try to lock me out in a glassbox room

Alone, then you'll see the real me

Be prepared to be disgusted by myself

The secret I die-hard keeping from everyone

A sin that shines brighter than any bright side of me.

And you'll see me sorry.

[wherefearmeetstears]

Benar, setiap orang berbeda. Ada yang langkahnya terpaksa terhenti karena hatinya, dan ada yang mematikan hatinya demi bisa terus melangkah.

28.05.22

[wherefearmeetstears]

Tonight I cried again, why? Maybe because I feel alone, lonely and afraid at the same time. It feels like a very huge wave hits me. I used to wonder everytime mom told me how she couldn't breathe well whenever she stressed out, now I know. It's just like you got kicked and hit on your chest, painful. Just like that, it just hurts like that.

Dan sangat menyebalkan, karena setiap kamu merasakan sakit itu disaat yang sama kamu berharap agar ia berhenti. Semakin frustasi menyadari rasa sakit itu tidak mau pergi.

Rasa takut yang sulit dijelaskan

[wherefearmeetstears]

I am so anxious right now. . . Feel overwhelmed by every single thing, whenever something comes, I keep seeing another worst side of myself. Those names: useless, stuck, broken, cowards, scardey, helpless.

And the worst part is no matter how much I tell myself: It ain't true and what may come isn't that much... still I can't believe it. Tho I want to believe it badly, I keep failing.

[wherefearmeetstears]

And the hardest part from being an overthinking loner is that though you have so much loves from the people around you, you still can't feel it. You keep feeling like it's not enough; no matter if you actually have plenty of them. The feeling just numbs itself.

I used to think how can a feeling be numbed when you can tell whats happiness and sadness, it's so obvious, isn't it? But turns out it's just unconsciously numb itself, you can't tell if you does feel happy or you're just trying to be so.

[wherefearmeetstears]

There are days I imagine how would my friends be when they hear the news about me. I bet they won't be so surprised. Maybe it will just be "she did".

[wherefearmeetstears]

Some men can definitely be jerks, but I hope it's not you chingu. You know how cowards myself to defend anyone. I failed to defend my very close friend once, silenced by what those people said. It still haunts me, the regrets... So this time I feel that I have to believe in what I should've believed, and just do it: to defend you. To spare some understanding on what you may do. Yet, I just realize that I never really know you as you always close the door tight. I just know that you are a good person. Is it enough? Am I doing right?

[wherefearmeetstears]

Regrets : Syu

I am an envy, I know. Kadang kalau lihat oranglain bahagia, sukses dan cemerlang suka marah sama dunia. Kenapa dia doang yang dapat kisah bahagia? Kenapa aku doang yang stuck?

Gak tau sejak kapan, tapi makin kerasa pas nilna keterima pns. Harusnya aku ikut bahagia tapi aku malah sedih dan kecewa sama diri sendiri. I am stuck in this rotten school with a job I didn't like while shes taking that stair to a higher place? Shes living a life while I am surving from it. Ditambah lagi, shes so sweet that she can make friends right after she moved here. Sedangkan aku tiga tahun di sini, cuma punya dua teman. I am not mad at her, I rather mad at how the world write my life.

I feel ashamed having this feeling. Padahal aku tahu gimana susahnya dia dan sisicerita yang harusnya aku bersyukur karena aku ga alamin. It's my lack and it's not her job to fix it. She's genuine and kind. I am thankful that she takes me as her friend showing me part of the world I haven't known before. I'm sorry syu for inviting envy to this room of us. I'll get rid of it. Gomawo♥︎