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whisperingintoavoid · 1 year ago

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Bₗₒg ₄₋₁₃₋₂₀₂₄

I have decided to make my post pretty sometimes, as a treat. I cannot promise that I will always do this, but I'm feelin' pretty alright right now and I feel like doing it, so I'm doing it!

I think I'm not going to hold myself to any standard with this blog aside from my tags to help my future self find past entries. The main thing I want this blog to be is an outlet. I don't want to end up avoiding posting here because I don't feel up to making the post look or sound good, ya know?

Anyway, I don't know if I have much to write about today. At least, what I feel like writing about.

I went to Nashville with my boyfriend a few weeks ago to meet his parents for the first time. I have mixed feelings about it. They're lovely people and I especially like his mom.

But I noticed that during the whole trip, he was masking in front of them. And at the end of the day, when we were alone in our room, he seemed exhausted from having to put up that front of being "normal" all day. And that just really sucks. It honestly hurt. It hurt me to see that because I love him. I love him so much. I love who he is, I love that he's kinda quirky and weird. I love his interests and how he infodumps and the way he paces constantly when he talks. But he felt like he had to hide that from his parents and that makes me so sad.

I wish they loved him the way I love him; unconditionally.

There's a whole other complicated situation regarding him and his parents and I have my own feelings about that, but I don't feel at liberty to write about it here. I feel like it's more his business than mine, so I won't write about it out of respect for his privacy. But suffice to say, I feel for him. My heart hurts for what he's going through.

On a brighter note, I just took my official GED social studies test and passed! I took it on Thursday and found I passed about 10-15 minutes after I finished. This was my first time taking an official GED test!

There are four tests you have to take to get your GED. Social studies, science, math, and reading. So I'm one quarter of the way to getting my GED! This is the closest I've ever been and I'm honestly so proud of myself. I can hardly believe it, to be honest.

High school was extremely hard for me. I was battling extreme academic anxiety, depression, and had undiagnosed ADHD. School was unbearable for me. I dreaded waking up everyday, just the thought of opening my backpack to start homework was enough to send me into an anxiety attack, I openly talked about wanting to kill myself every single day.

My grades were only good enough to scrape me by. In some classes, I even outright failed. Namely, chemistry and algebra in 10th grade. Math was always my hardest subject. It just never clicked with me. I didn't pay attention in most of my classes. I never really did projects or papers. The only class I thrived in was English. I've always been good with reading and writing and I've always been proud of that. I was also pretty okay at Spanish. Lowest grade I ever got in that class was probably a C.

Anyway, I was also attending a dual high school/college program from 9th-10th grade. We took real college classes alongside our high school ones and earned college credits. When we graduated, we also earned an Associate's Degree.

I dropped out after 10th grade; the pressure was too much. The anxiety was too much. I felt like I could never breathe.

After I dropped out, I enrolled in an online school instead. I thought that, if I didn't have to wake up at a certain time and get ready and go to a physical place and interact with people all day, that maybe that would help.

It didn't.

Still, the thought of even opening the laptop and logging into class would hit me with a wave of anxiety that would make me nauseous. I was always avoiding school.

When you're in an online school, you need to log in a minimum amount of hours in the school year to be able to pass and continue to the next grade, regardless of how well you're doing. At some point toward the end of the school year, my mother got a call from my school, telling her that I hadn't logged in enough during the year and that there wasn't enough time left in the school year for me to make up the time - I got expelled.

So I had to repeat my junior year. 11th grade, I tried a new online school.

To be honest with you, I don't think I would've passed that year either. I still barely logged in. Still barely did my work.

But it never got that far because the school I was attending was literally shut down in the middle of the year.

So... I was kind of just left floating. I could either put myself through more personal hell by enrolling in a fourth school, or I could just call it quits and get my GED instead. I was 17 going on 18 at this point.

School was torment for me. I knew what I was going to do.

But, unfortunately for me, I was an anomaly that no one knew what to do with. When I turned 18, I started trying to get my GED. Well, I was aiming to take the HiSet test, but it's basically the same thing. However, in order to be able to get your high school equivalency, the state needs proof that you dropped out of high school. You're not legally allowed to have a high school diploma and a high school equivalency and the state is very strict about this. I don't know why anyone would go through the trouble of getting a GED if they already have a high school diploma (seriously, it's a HASSLE trying to get this fucking thing) and I don't know why it would even matter if someone did. Regardless, they're extremely strict about this rule. However, because my school shut down and literally did not exist anymore, I couldn't contact anyone to get official paperwork saying that I dropped out.

Eventually, I just had to write something myself explaining the situation.

But that wasn't the only hurdle! Of course it wasn't! Because this is my life we're talking about!

Whenever I would go online to try to schedule my test, the website would give me an error and tell me that I wasn't old enough to take the fucking test!!!!!!!!

This was something that could not be bypassed!

I tried. I fucking TRIED to get my GED when I was 18 fucking years old. I wanted to. I tried to. But time after time, I was a victim of circumstance.

Do you understand how it feels to know that the world views you as lazy and unintelligent and aloof when you know that isn't true? It feels like having a labelled stamped on your forehead and no one takes the time to listen to what you have to say to explain yourself after they read what you are. You get shoved in with a group of people that are looked down upon, that are considered less than. It feels like screaming at a brick wall.

So now I'm 23, going on 24, and I passed my first quarter of the GED test.

So much has happened in my life that has taken my attention away from education. And really, I just felt like it wasn't for me. My brain didn't work the right way. I'm not compatible with the way school works.

I think I'm starting to feel differently now that I'm medicated. I'm not certain. I'm still very hesitant about it because of the fact that school was my own personal hell for so long and I wish I were exaggerating. But I've been going to math classes twice a week to study for the math quarter of the test and surprisingly I'm the student in the class that the teacher has to say "Let someone else answer," to. Almost everything just clicks and makes sense? I don't know why math is suddenly kind of easy for me. I fear even saying that out loud because I might jinx it.

Math used to feel like reading a language I'd never seen before. But it doesn't feel like that anymore and I don't know why. It's actually kind of scary? I'm scared I'll lose it.

Anyway, I have two more tests scheduled already. Science and reading. I'm not worried about reading, I could pass that in my sleep. I didn't even bother taking the practice test. Science I was worried about initially, but apparently it's the test with the highest passing rate, and I did really well on the practice test, so I shouldn't have anything to worry about, really.

I'm gonna walk that fuckin' stage in July if it kills me! '24, baby!

#blog #online diary #april 2024

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whisperingintoavoid · 1 year ago

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Blog 3-19-2024

I have started a new blog. Again.

The main purpose of this blog will be to actually blog. Like, how people used to blog back when the Internet was still a baby. I'm just going to write about my life. What's going on with me and stuff.

And the thing is, I know no one cares and I don't expect this blog to see any action. I just kind of miss when people used to do stuff like this. Just talking about what's happening to them. In a real, genuine way. I hope that doesn't sound preachy.

But really, everything is so... fake now? Whenever people vlog on YouTube or TikTok or anything, it feels so manufactured. Like it was created with an audience in mind. It's trying to capture your attention and entertain you. It wants you to like and subscribe and follow and comment and give them money. And it's not that I don't like money. In fact, I wish I had a lot more of it. But I wanted to create something real, I think.

I'm tired of the over the top personalities and over-editing and people making their lives look perfect on a screen. It feels so unrealistic and the weirdest part is that we tend to fall for it.

So here's a blog specifically for blogging.

I blogged a little bit on my main blog, but I reblog a shit ton of stuff about my interests on there to the point where I couldn't even find the last blog/diary entry I posted. And that's the other half of the reason why I started this one.

ANYWAY, I think I should just jump to where I start talking about myself.

So first of all! My previous partner and I broke up in early November last year. Which was kind of crazy because we were together for 3 and a half years. We were engaged. Shit was bananas.

It was kind of a quiet break up, though. Like, no fighting really. Leading up to it, I mean. It was mutual, too. Neither of us were really happy anymore. In fact, I don't think either of us were happy for a pretty long time.

And looking back on our relationship, I feel like it should've been more clear to me that we shouldn't have been together. Not romantically, at least. And it's insane to think about how much I pined over this person, how much I cried over them, how I wanted them so badly it burned like a nebula through my chest. But by the end of our relationship, I had to convince myself I still loved them in a romantic way. And I think that says a lot about who I used to be and maybe even who I still am.

When I met my previous partner, (I think I will refer to them as Ripley), it was online through a dating app. And they had a partner at the time. They and their partner were supposed to be poly, but... well, you've heard the stereotypes, I'm sure. Their partner was allowed to date other people and sleep with other people and basically do whatever they wanted. But Ripley kind of just had to do whatever their then-partner wanted. They were barely ever allowed to see me and their partner was extremely jealous.

In fact, they accused me of copying them because we both have a tattoo of a tooth? I gave myself my tooth tattoo years before I even knew this person existed, let alone that they also had a tooth tattoo. Shit was bonkers.

Anyway, things escalated and eventually Ripley wasn't allowed to be my friend or even talk to me anymore. And at this point I thought I was in love with them. Which, looking back was actually kind of crazy because I had barely spent all that much time with them or even really gotten to know them on a personal level very well. But I was so smitten with them and wanted to be with them so badly.

For the sake of brevity, I'll cut out how we ended up together, but maybe I'll write a different post explaining it at some point. Just to add context and extend the lore. Even though I'm probably going to be the only person who interacts with this blog. So I guess I'm just cataloging my whole life? I don't know.

ANYWAY, in retrospect, I really didn't know shit about Ripley when we started dating. I didn't know how bad of a temper they had. I didn't know how much they didn't like cuddling. I didn't realize that they were a bad kisser. I didn't know how averse they were to touch and that apparently it's one of my main love languages. I didn't realize how much they didn't listen, how much we didn't have in common, how much we barely had any real conversations.

And by the end of our relationship, I honestly still didn't realize some of those things. I didn't realize that I just genuinely wasn't attracted to them anymore. If anything, I was turned off by them. Their temper, their reluctance to touch, the way they always assumed everything was about them.

I wasn't happy being with them anymore. I wasn't UNhappy necessarily. We didn't fight all that often. We almost never shouted at one another in all our years together. We never put our hands on each other in a violent way.

But it was so unfulfilling. It felt more like we were roommates than anything else. I'd go as far as to say that we didn't even feel that much like friends. It was like we were both just going along with the motions because that was what we were meant to do. I didn't kiss them before they left for work because I loved them and hated to see them go and needed to see them off because I'd miss them while they were gone. I kissed them before they left for work because that's what we did every morning. I didn't hold their hand when we were at the store together because I wanted everyone to see that we were together and in love and because I wanted to be touching them. I held their hand at the store because that's what we always did.

We never cuddled at night. In fact, we both had our own blankets. They hated when I touched their face because my hands are usually a little sweaty. They hated me touching their hair because I'd mess it up. They'd get annoyed if I asked them to get me something from the kitchen. They had such bad road rage that I now have anxiety whenever I'm in the car with someone and we get a red light.

And yet I stayed for so long. It felt like... "Well, we've been together for so long... may as well stay together". It felt like breaking up would be failing. Like losing. I wanted to be that person that finds their soulmate at a young age. I wanted it to be impressive how long we'd been together. I wanted to feel official. Grown-up maybe. I'm still only 23, it's not like I'm old. Being with someone since you were 23 is still impressive if you make it to like, 40-50. But I guess I wanted to say that I found my husband when I was 19. There's just something about that. High school sweethearts. Something romantic. I don't even really know what it is. Maybe just knowing so young. Not having had anyone else. Not that Ripley was my first partner. But still...

There was also some sort of pressure. I think just about all your friends knowing you've been together for so long. Like, that your names go next to each other in sentences and you've been a package deal for so long, like it's just a canonical fact of the universe that you two are written together. Into every scene.

And then one day... you're just not. It feels like shattering an illusion. Like telling a kid that Santa isn't real or explaining a magic trick to someone. It's not real, at least not anymore. It's changed. It's not what it was. It's like hearing peanut butter and jelly broke up. Or milk and cookies. Or the moon and the stars. "But those things just go together."

"Not anymore."

Looking back now, it's weird seeing my face next to theirs. It feels like I'm looking at a mouse and a snake who are best friends. Or seeing a bird underwater. Seeing a dog lick itself like a cat. Seeing a cat playing fetch.

But then there are other times where I look at those pictures of us and it feels like seeing a picture of yourself and your childhood best friend before you moved away and never spoke to each other again. Or a home video of your child-self playing with a relative you can only vaguely remember, if at all. But they're good half-memories and you wish you could recall more about them. Their smile, what made them laugh, how they walked, how their arms felt around you.

I don't know, man, my gummy just kicked in.

I don't really know where I was going with all that. What is bro yapping about?

I think the main thing is that my fiance and I broke up after 3 and a half years together last November. And sometimes it still feels a little weird. Lesser and lesser, though.

I'm not sad. I don't want that to go unsaid. I don't miss our relationship. Not one bit. In fact, I don't think you could pay me to date them again. I'm glad we broke up. I think we should've done it sooner, actually.

When I talk about it feeling weird, I'm more so talking about how strange it feels to not have a person there who used to be there all the time. Like when you move something off an old shelf and there's a circle of dust around where it used to be. And everything else on the shelf is perfectly in place and untouched except for that one empty, perfect circle. Like your brain can feel the empty spot where they used to be.

There are a lot of other things about breaking up, though. Like having to tell your parents. Your parents, who you know don't really like your partner in the first place. And having to tell your friends who you know are going to roll your eyes because this is the fourth fucking time you're breaking up and you have to be like "No, for real this time." Having to decide who gets what.

But really, I think the thing that scared me the most about breaking up was the fear of being alone.

As much as I hate to admit it, I was really dependent on Ripley. I didn't work much, I didn't drive, I didn't have a car, I'd never had to pay my own bills. In a lot of ways, I relied on them. And I was scared of not having that. I was scared of being alone, even outside of my needs. I was scared of having an empty space next to me. I felt like one half of a pair, like a Barbie doll whose Ken was taken out of the package.

I have a boyfriend now. Actually, I started seeing him, like, a week after my ex and I broke up. And I know how that sounds, especially after that last paragraph. But when I say I hadn't intended on dating anyone for a long while, I mean it.

In fact, I was kind of excited to be single again. I was ready to have my single era and just flirt with whomever I wanted and maybe sleep around a bit. I didn't want to be locked down so quickly again.

But meeting my boyfriend, I didn't want that anymore. I didn't care about being locked down because I didn't care to go anywhere else anyway.

I think my next blog post will be about him and how we met and ended up dating. This specific post honestly was supposed to be a general life update, but I guess I had more I wanted to get off my chest about breaking up than I realized. I feel, even now, like there's more I want to say but can't think of how to verbalize it. I'm now good and properly high.

TL;DR, breaking up with someone after 3 1/2 years together feels weird and can be a little scary. Also I'm high.

~*Theo*~

#blog #online diary #diary entry #march 2024

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