whoimightbe

[whoimightbe]

Commitment.

It was supposed to be a weekend to myself, a time to relax, to read, and just be away from everything that had been weighing me down for months. But as soon as I walked into the lobby of the resort I realized that my weekend wasn’t going to be anything like I thought.

“Bride or groom?” 

I stared into the bright eyes of a young woman who’d clearly had too much Red Bull holding out different colored beads to me.

“Bride or groom?” She asked again.

“Sorry?”

“Are you here for the bride or the groom?” She sighed. 

“Oh, um, I’m not...no. I’m not here for that.”

“Oh, okay, well bye then!”

“Bye.” 

I found my way to the registration desk and could see that the staff was exhausted. “Checking in,” I said and pulled out my license and credit card. “Sherry Markum.”

“Bride or groom?”

I felt irritated. “I’m not here for the wedding!” 

“Well that’s too bad,” a voice to my left said and when I turned my head I nearly fell over. 

“David?”

I hadn’t seen him in more than ten years. We broke up on my 30th birthday when he’d said he couldn't make a commitment like he knew I wanted but in hindsight I knew I wasn’t ready and that we would have never lasted. It was an amiable split but heartbreaking nonetheless. 

David Tyler was my first love and in many ways the one who got away. I should have fought harder, should have hung in there a bit longer, but when he told me he didn’t want to get married, that he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to be married, I ended things and told him I hoped he found what he was looking for. I hadn’t dated much since then and until that moment I never thought that it might be because I’d never gotten over him.

“Hey, Sher,” he smiled and my heart began to beat a little faster. David was handsome and smart and always knew how to make me laugh but at that moment all I could do was stare at him. “It’s been a long time.” I nodded as he stepped toward me then sucked in a quick breath when he reached for my hand. “Hi.”

“Hi.” My cheeks were getting warm and I knew I was blushing all the way down to my toes. His touch felt the same and I felt like he turned something on inside of me, something I’d turned off years ago.

“Ms. Markum?”

“Hmm?” I turned slowly toward the person checking me in. 

“Your room?”

“Oh, right, mmm hmm...”

“I’ll wait,” David smiled then pulled his hand slowly from mine.

I could hardly breathe I was so affected by him and barely heard what the woman behind the desk was telling me. I just nodded, signed my name and took the key. I turned back to David who was still smiling and staring at me then  slipped my wallet into my bag and slung it back over my shoulder.

“I should probably...”

“Let me help.” He reached for my suitcase and I nodded because I couldn’t think of anything else to do then turned toward the path I was fairly certain the woman had told me to follow. We walked for several minutes before either of us spoke and he was the first to break the silence. “So, since you’re not here for the wedding, why are you here?”

“Oh, um, just to, you know, get away for a bit.”

“Is everything okay?” He sounded genuinely concerned and I smiled as I remembered how intuitive he was and how I could never hide my feelings from him.

“There’s just a lot going on and I needed a break.” We walked a few more feet until we reached a gate that looked like it led to my bungalow. “I think this is it,” i said, double-checking the key and the map. I pressed my little plastic card to the key pad and heard a click then pushed the gate open. He followed me in then waited as I opened the door to the little house and kindly brought my bag inside. 

I was pleased that the photographs online hadn’t lied; the house was gorgeous and exactly what I needed to escape for a few days. I noted the little deck off the living room that faced the water and also saw the welcome basket on the little dining table complete with wine, cheese and crackers. It was far more money than I’d ever paid for a hotel room, but I’d recently received a nice bonus at work and decided to go for it. 

“This is great, Sher. You must be doing very well.”

“I do all right,” I grinned. I’d just started at the company when we broke up and I’d moved up fairly quickly. Since I didn’t date much I had a lot of time to commit to work and it enabled me to take on extra projects and catch the eye of the boss. He liked my work, which help me get to the Assistant Vice President position I’d taken on a year earlier. We stood in silence for another few moments and it was only mildly awkward. “So you’re here for the wedding?” He nodded. “Bride or groom?” I winked and he laughed, easing whatever tension there might have been between us.

“Both actually. I introduced them and now I’m the best man.” I nodded. “But I’d much rather talk about you. Could we get dinner later?”

I should have said no, should have lied and said I had plans, but I knew he’d see right through me and I was curious about what he’d been up to since I’d seen him, too, so I agreed and accepted his kiss on the cheek when he left to attend to wedding things. 

Four hours later he was back in my bungalow with a bag of food and it wasn’t long before the kitchen was filled with delightful aromas. I’d missed him cooking for me and was glad that he suggested it before I told him I wasn’t excited about actually leaving the bungalow while I was there. I sat the little table with placemats and napkins I’d found in a drawer then moved some candles from the living room over and found some matches to light them.

Over a lovely dinner of roasted chicken, asparagus and fingerling potatoes he told me about work, and how he’d moved out of corporate law and started a practice with someone else from his firm - the groom in the weekend’s festivities. They did mostly family law and he seemed more relaxed than I’d ever seen him when we were together. 

“And are you seeing anyone? I mean I don’t see a ring but are you...I mean do you have...?” I couldn’t even ask the question because while I wanted to know I also didn’t want it to come off like I was asking because I wanted to get back together.

“I’ve had a couple of serious relationships, none as long as ours, but I’m not seeing anyone right now.” I nodded and sipped my wine. “And you?”

“The only relationship I have is with my job, which I know sounds ridiculous, and something I used to nag you about, but I don’t know...I’m just busy all the time and don’t really meet many people. I’ve dated here and there but nothing’s been serious, nothing since you.”

“But you’re happy?”

I thought about it a moment longer than I should have then shrugged and said, “Sure. You know...it’s just life.”

He gazed at me then folded his napkin, stood up and walked around the table until he was standing next to me. “Dance with me,” he breathed as he held out his hand and I hated how well he could still read me. When we were dating, any time either of us didn’t feel much like talking or didn’t know quite how to articulate what we needed to say, we went dancing. It helped us relax and when we were slow dancing we were able to open up and talk about whatever was going on. I don’t remember how it started and have no idea why it worked but it did. The fact that he knew there was more going on with me, that he knew I needed to talk about it, made me wonder why we ever broke up.

Still, we weren’t together and it started to feel awkward how easily we were falling back into each other. I hesitated for a brief moment then took his hand and followed him into the living room. 

“Wait right there,” he said then looked around the room, for what I wasn’t sure until he found it, a Bose speaker that he quickly connected to his phone with Bluetooth. A few seconds later one of my favorite songs started to play and when he pulled me into his arms I felt more at home than I’d felt in years.

As we danced I told him how frustrating work had been and how I was just killing myself with project after project, spending many nights and a lot of weekends in the office. I talked about my new colleague who was driving me crazy and how I’d lost some employees and hadn’t yet found just the right people to replace them. I told him that turning 40 had made me start reevaluating what I was doing with my life and that one of the reasons I’d come to the resort was to determine if I wanted to make some sort of change, whether it was just changing jobs or moving away and starting completely over.

“And you’ve been dealing with all of this on your own,” he stated as he pulled me just a little closer. “Sher, I wish...”

“Don’t,” I said and pulled back a bit and looked into his eyes. “It isn’t your fault, David. And I do have a couple of friends I’ve talked to about it but...” The fact is, I’d told each of them pieces of the story but neither of them knew everything. David was now the only person other than me that knew the whole story.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and I nodded then put my head back on his shoulder. We danced a little longer then he opened up and told me a little more about what was going on with him. Much like me, when he turned 40 he started looking at his life and how he was spending his days and nights. Having two of his closest friends get married had put some things in perspective, as had his dad getting sick. I always liked his dad and was glad he was okay. He told me he’d been thinking about our relationship and couldn’t reconcile why he’d said he didn’t want a commitment.

“It just wasn’t the right timing,” I assured him. “Neither of us were ready for that.”

“Yeah, I guess...” Another song started to play and I wondered how long we might dance. I didn’t want it to end but I knew it had to and also knew that it was one night. When that song ended and another started to play we both pulled back at the same time and he took my hands in his and just smiled. “I’ve missed this.” I nodded and felt the tears pooling in my eyes. “I’ve missed us, you.”

“Me, too,” I agreed as a few tears slid down my cheeks. 

“Do you think there’s any way we...”

“David,” I interrupted and pulled my hands from his and wiped my tears. “I mean I’m not going to say I haven’t thought about it every now and then, or that this hasn’t been the best night I’ve had in a long time, but it’s one night, and we don’t really know each other anymore.” He nodded and took a step back. 

“I don’t think I realized how much I’d lost when we broke up until right this moment.”

My heart melted at his words, especially since I felt the exact same way, and despite my better judgement I stepped toward him and put my hands on his chest. “I’ve missed you so much,” I breathed just as he brought his lips to mine.

His kiss was like coming home, like the ten years were just a blink and we’d only been apart a few moments. I didn’t know what was going to happen, didn’t even care, but I knew that for at least one night, I had the love I’d been missing and I held on as tight as could.

When I woke up the next morning, hours after David went back to his room, I wondered if there was a chance for us to start over. We’d talked for hours, catching up and being honest about why things ended the first time. We’d both grown since then and I was intrigued by the possibilities. On the other hand, we were at a resort that made even the mundane seem great so I tried not to think too much beyond the moment. 

I was deep into one of the books I’d been planning to read for months when my phone vibrated. I’d debated leaving it in the room but couldn’t disconnect quite that much and was happy to see his name when I pulled it from my pocket.

David: Morning.

Me: Hi.

I didn’t want to seem overly excited but I was definitely smiling when I replied. 

David: Busy?

Me: Extremely. You?

David: Just watching a beautiful woman read by the lake.

I turned quickly and saw him standing a few feet a way then put my phone down and stood as he walked toward me. I don’t know how but he looked even better looking than he had the day before. When I realized he was wearing the same clothes I’d seen him in when we had dinner I wondered if he’d slept at all.

He smiled when he reached me and before any words were exchanged he took my hands and rubbed his thumbs across my knuckles. I shivered at his touch and squeezed his fingers with mine. “Hi,” I breathed.

“I love you,” he replied and my eyes grew to the size of saucers. 

“I...”

“i know, it’s crazy, but I haven’t slept and all I’ve been doing for the last few hours is wondering how I ever let you go all those years ago and what the hell I’ve been doing since then.”

“David...”

“I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t right, that it was just one of those things, but it was all a lie. I should have run back to you, should have fought, should have known I’d never find anyone like you. And I realize we have a lot to talk about and that we can’t just jump right back to where we were but I’m all in, Sher, and I couldn’t wait another minute to tell you.”

I was stunned and wasn’t sure I could move much less speak. I forced myself to take a couple of deep breaths then suggested we sit down, mostly so I could find some balance and have another moment or two to process. I sat back in the lounge chair and crossed my legs under my body. He sat at the end and did the same and for a moment we just sat there, he waiting for me to say something and me processing and analyzing every word he’d spoken.

I reached for his hand and smiled as I thought for a few more moments about what I wanted to say. “You don’t know how long I wanted you to say something like that, how many nights I dreamed you’d run back and tell me we’d made a huge mistake.” He smiled and I hesitated but continued when things somehow became crystal clear. “But it was a long time ago, David, and I’ve made my peace with how things are, how I am.” His smile fell. “And don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved catching up with you and finding what I guess is some sort of closure but I don’t love you anymore, David, not in the way you want, and I don’t even think I realized that until right this moment.”

He nodded and I saw a faint hint of a smile. “I mean I had to try, right?”

“And I love that you did. I loved talking last night and falling asleep wondering what might have been and what could be. But we’re different people now and I don’t want to go back.”

“Do you think there’s any world in which we can be friends?”

“I would love that,” I smiled then leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back and I knew it was some sort of goodbye, that we likely would be in touch here and there but would never actually be friends.

I watched him walk away then stared out at the water for a good half an hour before returning to my book. I knew I’d done the right thing but found myself unable to concentrate as I rehashed the whole thing in my head so I put the book back in my bag, along with the phone, then lay back and let the sun have its way with me.

I knew what I’d said, and I was pretty sure I meant it at the time, but I couldn’t help but analyze it over and over again, wondering if I should have at least given the idea of us another chance. But I’d been clear and he’d seemed resolute in not pursuing it any further so I figured that once I was back home, back into work, he would continue to be a memory.

I didn’t see him the rest of the weekend and was only mildly disappointed. But he had the wedding and I did everything I could to steer clear of those events. It was on my drive home when he called and I almost didn’t answer but once again was too curious not to.

“Hey.”

“Pull over.”

“What?”

“I’m three cars behind you,” he said. “Pull over or take the next exit. I need to talk to you.”

“David, what in the world?”

“Please?”

I agreed, reluctantly, and took the next exit and pulled into the parking lot of a McDonald’s. He pulled in next to me a minute later and I met him at the back of my car. 

“What was so important that you needed to see me?”

“I tried to catch you before you left but they said you’d already checked out.”

“Uh huh.”

“I just...” He took a deep breath and looked up at the sky for a moment or two. “I just couldn’t let you go without trying again.”

“David...”

“Just hear me out.” I sighed and nodded then listened to him tell me again that he’d made a mistake all those years earlier, that he missed me, that he loved me, that he wanted to try again. “And I know I said friends the other day but that was ridiculous and I know you know that.” When I didn’t say anything he continued. “What’s it gonna take, Sher?” I wanted to kiss him so much it hurt.

“Well, forcing me to pull off the freeway to tell me all of this again wasn’t all bad,” I smiled, closing the gap between us a bit. “But do you really want this kind of commitment? Even a serious dating relationship? Because I don’t want to start from scratch, David. We need to get to know certain things about each other again but we know the important stuff. We know each others’ families and even some friends. We know how we take our coffee and we know that kissing each other is better than kissing anyone else.”

“Seems to me we know a lot,” he grinned as he stepped a little closer. “And I do want the commitment, Sher. Yes, we have things to talk about, to figure out; for starters, our jobs hold different demands than they used to, we’re getting a little too old to think about kids any longer, and well, you live in the city and I’m out in the suburbs.” I had to laugh a little at that, as we’d always sworn we’d never move out of Chicago. “But these are things we can discuss and work through. These are things that lend themselves to compromise, and I frankly can’t imagine living another day without you by my side.”

“Your argument is pretty sound, counselor.” He grinned and took my hands in his. “And I’m running out of excuses because the fact is, I never stopped loving you, David. I think I pushed back the other day because it was all just a bit overwhelming but now, here, in this McDonald’s parking lot, it seems right. It seems real.”

“It is real,” he breathed then started to lean in.

“For the record,” I said, just before his lips met mine. “I’m not moving to the suburbs.”

He threw his head back and laughed then pulled me in for a long, glorious kiss that was only matched in its perfection by the kiss on our wedding day a year and four months later.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Tonight I fell in like with a boy...

I’d escaped to the deck outside the bedroom on the top floor of the beach house and was minding my own business watching the sunset when Hill found me. I hadn’t even seen him at the party, despite the fact that it was his parents’ house, likely because I didn’t want to be there and had looked for the first opportunity to slip away from my friends. 

It’s not that I didn’t love my friends for trying to cheer me up, but I didn’t like parties when my parents were still happily married and my sister wasn’t an unwed teenage mother on national TV, much less after our lives got flipped upside down. I certainly had no interest in seeing people or talking about any of it but somehow they’d talked me into going, saying I just had to see the house, that the views were incredible. They knew I was a sucker for a good sunset view and they certainly hadn’t lied about the house; it was incredible.

“I see you found my secret spot.” I turned when I heard his voice and felt like an intruder even though everyone knew there were no rules about where you could or couldn’t go in beach houses during parties. 

Hill, whose real name was Bartholomew Matthew Hillyard, Jr., had graduated two years earlier and had definitely gotten better looking in the time he’d been in college. We’d known each other since grade school, just like almost everyone else in the house, but I hadn’t seen him in a long time and honestly wasn’t sure he’d remember who I was. We’d never been good friends, but we’d had a moment when he was a senior and I was a sophomore that I knew would always make us friends at some level, even if we never talked or saw each other again.

It was a Saturday in early spring that year and people from all over the school were participating in community projects. I hadn’t looked to see who else had signed up for the one I was interested in, which was to paint a nursery for a single mom who lived across the street from the school, and was surprised to find Hill there. I figured he would be off doing something with the basketball team but there he was sitting on the steps of the house as I walked up. The debate coach was the sponsor for the project, as the young woman had been in his classes several years earlier, and after he made the introductions and made sure we had everything we needed, he left us in the room to get things done. 

We talked a lot that day about nothing and everything. He told me about his college plans and that he was looking forward to getting away from home. I told him I couldn’t wait to go to college but hoped to stay close to home to be near my family. He said he’d decided on the project because he’d been doing a lot of painting at home and thought it would be easy. I told him I picked it because no one else had signed up and wanted to make sure it got done. 

Spending the day with him was fun and here and there our talk hinted at flirting but I knew it was crazy. There was no way a senior would be interested in a lowly sophomore such as myself and I figured he was just a nice guy.

When we finished the job at the end of the day he asked me if wanted to get dinner. I said yes but we never made it because Ivy - the young woman who we’d been painting for - went into labor and instead of waiting for the paramedics we drove her to the hospital and made sure she was taken care of. I called her mom and Hill talked to the doctors and once she was out of our sight we both sat down in the waiting room, exhausted. 

Hill wandered off and found us some snacks from a vending machine and we stayed until Ivy had the baby - a beautiful baby girl. She thanked us over and over again and we told her to let us know if she needed anything, gave her both of our cell phone numbers, then made our way back to Hill’s car. He drove me to my house then we sat in silence for a few moments.

“Well, this day definitely took a turn I wasn’t expecting.”

“Pretty amazing, though,” I added and he agreed. I’d called my mom when things started happening and let her know I’d be late coming home but I certainly hadn’t expected it to be 3 in the morning when Hill finally dropped me off. 

“You really kept your calm through everything. I’m impressed.”

“You were pretty great, too,” I added and turned my head and smiled.

“We make a good team.”

“I guess we do.”

“I’m sorry we couldn’t get dinner but maybe another time?”

“Sure,” I said, doubtful that another time would present itself. “Guess I better get inside.” He nodded. “Thanks for bringing me home.”

“Of course.”

“You’re a good guy, Hill.”

“You’re pretty great yourself, Cami.”

I actually wondered if he might lean in and kiss me, as would have happened on TV or in the movies, but the automatic light over our driveway got triggered by a rabbit hopping across and the moment was gone. We said goodnight and went back to our regular lives, though he’d smile when he saw me in the halls and sometimes I’d wave when I saw him across the room. But we never really talked again and then he was gone to college and I doubted I’d see him again, at least in any meaningful way.

“It really is the best place to watch the sun set,” he continued as he leaned against the wooden rail just inches away from me. I nodded and looked back out across the water and he didn’t say anything else until the sun was completely washed away in the ocean. “No matter how many times I watch it, I’m still amazed by how incredible the whole thing is, the sun rising and setting, every day, even when it’s cloudy, even when no one’s here to watch it. It still happens every day and somehow that knowledge helps me get through the rough days.”

“Rough days?” I couldn’t imagine Hill ever had a rough day but then again, until the beginning of the summer I couldn’t imagine I would either.

My parents divorce was final just before Christmas but they'd kept things pretty quiet and from everything I could see they were being very civil about the breakup. It was still hard, don’t get me wrong, to know that your parents no longer loved each other, but I felt like I was doing okay with it. But when Liza came home pregnant just after the new year my mom actually contacted the I’m a Pregnant Teen and I Love It! TV show and figured out how to get her on it. To this day I have no idea what her motivation was other than to say she wanted to be famous but even still, things were pretty quiet until the show started airing at the beginning of the summer. And then everyone knew everything because of course they put in all the backstory and I learned things about my sister that I never knew, like how much she hated being in my shadow, how jealous she was of my successes in the classroom and in choir. I learned that my parents had been unhappy most of their marriage and that they were really only staying together for us, the kids, but finally had enough and decided to end things while they felt they could still be nice to each other. 

“Everyone has rough days, Cami, though to be fair, most of them aren’t broadcast on national TV.” I sighed and nodded. “How are you doing with all of that?”

“Oh you know...”

“No, I don’t. That’s why I asked. Are you okay?”

I shrugged and started to speak but the tears that had become a common occurrence started to slide down my cheeks and I turned away to hide.

“Hey,” he whispered and put his hand on mine. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s okay,” I sniffed then wiped a few more tears away.

“Come on, let’s sit.” He guided me to the padded bench in the corner of the small deck and I sat down next to him and didn’t mind his arm around my shoulder.

“It’s been a hard summer,” I admitted after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah.” 

After another few minutes I remembered he mentioned something about his rough days so I decided to shift the conversation back to him and ask what was going on.

“You wanna take a walk?”

I agreed and we made our way down the three flights of steps then stepped onto the sand and walked toward the water. It was a few minutes before he opened up but then he told me that his dad had been diagnosed with cancer and was about to start chemo, which is why he was home. He had transferred to the state university in town so he could help his mom with things and was planning to work in his dad’s store. His parents had decided to sell the beach house since they didn’t use it that much and were concerned about keeping up the with the cost of having more than one house. Hill had convinced them to wait until fall so that they could enjoy one last summer there. As it turned out he’d been the only one to use it and it all seemed so much worse than my problems but I didn’t say anything, just listened. 

“I’m gonna miss being able to watch the sunset from that balcony.” 

“Well, I’m glad we got to see it tonight,” I said and even managed to smile a little. We stopped walking and he turned toward me.

“Me, too.” For a few moments we just stood there, staring at each other in the rising moonlight. “I feel like I want to hug you, that I just want to hold onto something real as long as I can.” I smiled and stepped toward him and circled his waist with my arms as he wrapped his around me. “Thank you, Cami.”

“Anytime.”

We held each other for a few more moments and then I pulled back and looked in his eyes. “Hey, guess who I saw last week?” When he shrugged I continued. “Ivy and Chelsea.”

“No way!” His eyes brightened and i was glad I could bring a smile to his face, and to my own. “How are they?”

“Good. Ivy’s engaged and Chelsea, well, she’s gorgeous.”

“That’s so great.” I nodded in agreement. “I still think about that day sometimes, that whole experience.”

“Me, too, especially now with Liza getting ready to have her baby.”

“Right...” And just like that we were back to the melancholy we’d both been feeling. 

We didn’t say much as we walked back to the house and the silence was comfortable, as if we knew each other so well we didn’t have to speak. I thought about how we flirted that day with Ivy and how I’d wondered about what it would be like to kiss him or even hold his hand and as if he were reading my mind he took my hand and it felt as right as anything had ever felt. We made our way back to the balcony and while I stood and looked out at the water he went inside and locked the bedroom door so no one else could stumble in from the party, which was still raging on the lower floors. He also grabbed a blanket then wrapped it around my shoulders when he came back out. 

“I’m pretty sure I could stay here forever,” I breathed as I leaned into his shoulder. 

“Pretty sure I’d like that,” he echoed then placed a kiss on the top of my head.

I hesitated to reach for my phone when it vibrated but when it was clear someone was trying to get a hold of me I excused myself and pulled away from his arms and sat down to check the messages.

First there was Kendra telling me she was going home with Kurt, which was kind of a given since they’d been dating for two years and sleeping together at least half of that time. Her parents were out of town so I hadn’t expected the night to end any differently.

Next was Lynn who said she was exhausted and wanted to head home and wanted to know if I was ready to go. I knew the answer was no but wasn’t sure I should assume I could stay. Before I replied I read the third text which was from my mom letting me know that Liza was in labor and they were headed to the hospital and despite everything else I felt a surge of excitement that my niece or nephew would soon be in the world.

I quickly replied to Kendra and told her to be careful, then decided to just tell Lynn I would find a way home and not to worry. Something told me Hill would take me home so I could get my car and go to the hospital and I told my mom I’d be there soon.

“Everything okay?” 

Hill sat down next to me and I nodded. “My sister’s in labor and I...I think...I mean...I should be there.”

“Then let’s go!” He jumped up and held out his hand to me and I just tilted my head not sure what to think about him. “I mean unless you don’t want me to go. I just thought you could maybe use a friend.” 

I smiled as I stood and took his hand. “It would be amazing if you’d go with me.” He smiled then pulled me in for a hug that I felt all the way to my toes. 

It didn’t take us long to get to the hospital and we actually found a place to park right by the door to the emergency room. He took my hand as we made our way inside, something I was already growing used to, and after a couple of inquiries we figured out where she was and made our way to the labor and delivery floor. I’d texted my parents and let them know I was on my way and Hill and I practically knocked my mom over when we tumbled out of the elevator. 

“Cami, oh good,” she said as she righted herself. 

“How is she?”

“She’s being a brat is how she is.” I couldn’t help but smile and Hill tried not to laugh. My mom took a look at Hill then looked back at me and raised her left eyebrow, a trick she’d had since I was little. It was both impressive and terrifying.

“Mom, this is Hill. He drove me here from the party.”

“Hill? Your name is Hill?”

“Bartholomew Matthew Hillyard, Jr., ” he smiled and put his hand out to her. “Cami and I have known each other for a few years.”

“And you didn’t drink before getting in the car, did you?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Mom, please. It’s fine. Can I see her?”

She gave Hill one more once over then told him where the waiting room was and escorted me back to Liza’s delivery area.

“Finally!” she yelled at my mom. “I sent you for ice an hour ago!”

“She sent me a minute before I ran into you,” my mom said to me under her breath then turned toward Liza. “Look who I found!” She pushed me toward the bed and I was a tiny bit terrified of what my sister might do to me. 

“There she is,” Liza remarked. “The best sister. The one no one could possibly live up to. Did you come here to gloat?”

“Liza, please,” my mom pleaded.

“If you don’t want me here I can wait outside. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m 15 years old and about to have a baby! Do you think I’m in any way okay?! Just leave. I don’t need your judgement here.”

I nodded then turned toward the door as tears filled my eyes. It was only then that I realized there was a camera crew in the room and they’d captured the whole ugly scene. 

I walked toward the waiting room where my mom had sent Hill and found him and my dad in what appeared to be a pretty deep discussion. I could only imagine what my dad was saying and was sure he was making Hill promise to treat me right, not to hurt me, and so on. “Hey,” I said and they both stood and walked toward me, obviously seeing that I was upset.

“Sweetheart, what happened?”

“She told me to leave,” I sighed. “Said something about me being judgmental...am I? Am I judging her because of this?”

“Cami, no,” he said and put his arm around my shoulder and at that moment all I needed in life was my dad. “She knows she messed up and would give anything to have the life you do, but she can’t so she’s lashing out. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.” I nodded but wasn’t sure I agreed.

“Why don’t I get us something to drink?” Hill offered and until he spoke I’d almost forgotten he was there. 

“Why don’t you two go,” my dad offered. “And I’ll stay here in case anything happens.”

“You’ll text me?” He nodded and I kissed his cheek then stepped toward the door and took Hill’s hand the moment we were in the hall.

“You okay?”

“She was just so mean. I’ve never seen her like that. And the camera crew was in there, too, so it will likely all be on TV later which will just be great.”

“Not that it’s an excuse, but I’ve always heard that the hormones during labor go haywire, like she probably doesn’t even realize what she’s saying.”

“Maybe,” I sighed. “I don’t know...”

He slipped his arm around my shoulder and I leaned into him easily as we walked toward the cafeteria. “I really like your dad.”

“You guys looked pretty serious when I came in. What were you talking about?”

“Everything, my parents, stuff...” he sighed. “He’s a good listener.”

“Cool.” I could have dug deeper to find out about the stuff but decided to just let it be. The whole night was surreal at that point and I just wanted to enjoy whatever time he and I spent together.

“He also told me I better treat you right or I’ll have to answer to him.”

"And what did you say to that?” I couldn’t help but smile.

“I assured him that I had nothing but respect for you and would never do anything you didn’t want to. I also told him we were just friends.” I smiled and shook my head. “I’m not sure he believed me though.” I didn’t say anything but I slipped my arm around his back and put my other hand on his chest and gave it a little pat. 

Just as we stepped into the cafeteria my phone vibrated and I pulled it out to find a text from my dad.

Dad: She’s asking for you.

I rolled my eyes then read the text to Hill.

“You go back and I’ll get the drinks.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” he smiled. “Now go.”

I don’t know why I did it, but something about the moment made me bold and I leaned in and whispered in his ear. “Just for the record, I’d be okay if this turned into more than friends.” I pressed my lips against his cheek then smiled as I walked away. I saw him put his hand on the spot I’d kissed and was pretty sure I saw a blush cross his cheeks.

It was another six hours before Liza finally delivered and mostly she seemed to want me in the room, holding her hand and reminding her that she still had her whole life in front of her, that millions of women raise babies by themselves and have successful careers on top of it. I told her over and over again how much I loved her and how proud I was of her and finally, somewhere around 7:30 in the morning, little Camy Jean was born. When she told me she was naming the baby after me, just with a different spelling, I shed real tears and couldn’t believe I was an aunt. Nothing else mattered when I held the baby and I knew I’d do whatever I could for her.

About half an hour later they let my dad come in, and Hill tagged along which made me smile more than I already was. I was holding the baby when they came in and he gravitated toward me then leaned in and kissed my temple. “More than friends sounds pretty good to me,” he breathed. “And you are beautiful with this little one in your arms.” He kissed little Camy’s forehead and I honestly wasn’t sure I’d ever been happier.

I didn’t see Hill that first week after we brought Liza and Camy home, as there was a lot to do to get them settled and into some sort of routine, but we exchanged a lot of text messages and talked a couple of times. Almost a week after the birth he asked me out on a real date and I was as excited as I’d been in a long time. I hadn’t told my friends about him, though they knew about the baby and tried to make a few plans with me. I just didn’t feel like going out until Hill asked.

“Have fun,” my dad said as Hill and I stepped onto the sidewalk. “Be home by midnight.” I turned back with open eyes and stared at him. I’d never had a curfew, though to be fair I’d never really needed one. “Fine, 1am,” he smiled and I smiled back and mouthed, “Thank you.”

Hill took my hand as we walked to his car then opened the door and helped me into the passenger seat. Once he was inside he leaned over and gave me a sweet kiss on my cheek and for a beat or two we just stared at each other. 

“Was that okay?” he asked and I nodded and reached for his hand.

“Thanks for asking me out tonight.”

“Thanks for saying yes.”

“If it’s okay with you I thought we might spend the evening at the beach house.”

“Sounds perfect,” I smiled then gave his hand a squeeze.

The house seemed different than the last time I’d been there, cleaner, quieter, and it was even nicer than I remembered. I wasn’t sure where the night was going but I was happy to be there and told myself to just enjoy the moment.

“So,” he said as we wandered into the kitchen. “I don’t claim to be a chef or anything but I do make a mean grilled cheese and I thought we could eat up on the balcony.”

“Sounds perfect. Can I help?”

He shook his head. “I’d like to do this for you, but you can definitely sit here and talk to me.”

I jumped up on the counter across from the stove and while he cooked I asked him about school, his dad, the store, and a variety of other things that seemed interesting in my mind. He asked about Liza and the baby, about my parents, and if I was ready for my senior year. Until then I’d all but forgotten we weren’t the same age and that once school started things would likely be very different but I forced the thoughts out of my head in order to enjoy the night.

Once he declared that the grilled cheese was perfect, he put the sandwiches on a stack of plates, then put them on a tray. He grabbed a bag of chips from the top of the fridge then opened it, presumably to look for drinks. “Is water okay to drink? I don’t think we have anything else.”

“It’s perfect,” I smiled and jumped off the counter and took the two bottles he held out. “I’ll carry them.”

He grabbed some napkins from a drawer, put them on the tray, then made sure everything was off before we headed up the stairs.

We ate and talked for an hour or so, continuing our conversation from the kitchen, then made our way to the beach and walked until the sun started to set. We sat down on the sand and he gently pulled me into his arms as the sky got darker. I was nervous but like everything else with Hill, it felt natural. I connected so easily with him and doubted we would ever run out of things to talk about despite how different our lives were. Still, I wondered how it was really going to play out. He was dealing with a lot of changes with this family and changing schools and I was about to enter my last year of high school with a nationally televised sister. Could we make a relationship work? I was also concerned about my lack of experience with guys as I was certain he was far more experienced after two years of college. I didn’t want to worry about it but it was hard not to. 

“What are you thinking about?” he whispered as the sun gave us a final goodbye.

“Hmm?”

“You’re a million miles away. Is everything okay?”

“It’s great, Hill, really.”

“But?”

I wasn’t sure I could articulate what I was feeling without getting emotional so instead I just turned my head and pressed my lips against his. He didn’t ask any more questions and for next few minutes we shared several nice kisses and I pretended reality didn’t exist. I was certain I never wanted to kiss anyone else and that even though it was probably going to be hard to make it work, it was absolutely going to be worth it.

“Now tell me,” he whispered as I leaned against him with his arms around me. “What’s going on with you? Not that kissing you isn’t amazing but...”

“It’s just...I mean, we have so much going on in our families and school’s starting soon and I don’t want this to just be a summer fling.”

“I don’t want that either.”

“But you’re in college and I’m still in high school and...”

“Shh,” he whispered and smoothed my hair with his hand. “We don’t have to figure this out tonight.”

“I guess...I don’t know...maybe...”

“Hey,” he continued and started to sit up. I sat up and pulled away from him then crossed my legs and as we sat face to face I knew I needed to tell him what was worrying me. “You can tell me anything, okay? I mean I know we don’t know each other all that well but after this week I know that something is whirring around in that brain of yours.” I smiled and he leaned over and put his hand on my knee. “Now come on, tell me.”

“It’s just...” I felt my cheeks get warmer and knew I was blushing. “I mean I don’t...I’m...” I sighed loudly, frustrated with myself that I couldn’t just say it and finally I just blurted it out. “I’m a virgin!”

He smiled and took both of my hands in his. “Is that all?”

“I mean it’s kind of a big deal.”

“It’s a very big deal, Cami, and one that I don’t take lightly.” I tilted my head and looked at him inquisitively. “Just because I’m in college, and just because I’m a guy, doesn’t mean I’ve ever slept with someone.”

“You mean you’re a...”

“Virgin? Yeah.”

“Really?” He nodded and gently rubbed his thumbs across mine. “And you’re okay with waiting?” He nodded again then leaned in and kissed me again, slowly, softly, perfectly. 

“I’m not saying I necessarily want to wait forever, but it has to be right, ya know?” I nodded. “I like you, Cami, and I wasn’t expecting this when I saw you on the balcony last weekend, and I don’t know what’s going to happen but it feels good to be with you.” I nodded again then leaned in and kissed his cheek.

The sun was long gone but we stayed on the beach a while longer talking, sharing soft kisses, and just enjoying our time together. He took me home somewhere around midnight then kissed me in the car before walking me to the door.

“I’d like to do this again.”

“Me, too. It was a great night.”

“My dad’s chemo starts next week and I just don’t know what that’s gonna look like, how much help my mom’s gonna need.”

“I know, and like I told you earlier, I’m here to talk or listen or whatever you need, okay?” He nodded and stepped a little closer as he gave my hand a little squeeze. “Text me when you get home, okay? So I know you made it?”

“Promise,” he breathed then gave me one last kiss before saying goodnight.

I watched him walk to the car then unlocked the door and stood in the doorway until he pulled away. I closed the door once the car was completely out of site then sighed as I leaned back against it. I half expected my dad or Liza to be lurking in the shadows but the house was quiet and I smiled as I wandered into the kitchen to get some ice cream before going to bed.

I peaked into my dad’s room and saw him sleeping soundly then checked on Liza and the baby who both looked as peaceful as any new mom and baby could look. My mom was staying in the room with her and was asleep in the recliner we’d moved into the room. I pulled the door closed then padded my way to my bedroom where I plopped onto my bed and started to eat my ice cream. 

I opened my laptop with every intention of writing about my night, leaving out the names of course, but something pulled at me and I looked to my nightstand and saw a pile of blank journals people had given me over the years. I reached for one, blew off the dust, then found a pen in the drawer and opened it up.

Just as I was starting to write my phone vibrated.

Hill: I’m home.

Me: :-)

Hill: I had a good time tonight.

Me: Me, too.

Hill: Can’t wait to see you again.

I thought for a second about switching to FaceTime but decided it was too cheesy.

Me: In case I didn’t say it earlier, or in case it wasn’t obvious, I like you, too. 

Hill: I had a feeling... ;-) Now, get some sleep and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Me: You, too. Goodnight.

Hill: Night. 

I took a deep breath, ate a little more ice cream then put pen to paper.

Tonight I fell in like with a boy...

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

T.

When the doorbell rang I glanced at the clock and wondered who in their right mind was pushing it at 1 o’clock in the morning. I decided to ignore it but it rang again, then someone knocked on the door. 

“Good grief,” I lamented as I stepped over boxes and walked to the door. 

I looked out the peep hole but was certain I was seeing things. 

“I know you’re in there, T,” a voice I hadn’t heard in years said. “It’s starting to rain. Please let me in.”

I turned off my alarm, unbolted the door, then pulled it open and stared in disbelief at Robert Adams, my childhood next door neighbor, the object of my affection for most of my life and the man who broke my heart when he ran off to get married to the first girl who slept with him in college. 

To be fair, he got her pregnant and was trying to do the right thing but it was never going to last and when it broke up he came home and wanted to restart our friendship as if nothing had happened. And like a fool, I let him. And like an even bigger fool I thought there might be a chance for us. We were older, several years removed from college, and working like most grown ups do. We went to dinner, talked about our futures and were, for a short time, inseparable. But less than a year after he came home he found someone else and ran away to Vegas and married her. 

When that marriage broke up less than a year later he came back to town but kept mostly to himself, likely embarrassed by the whole mess. I reached out numerous times but he wouldn’t respond and I finally stopped trying. He sent me a letter when he decided to move away to figure out what he really wanted in life and I only knew where he was because his mother told mine. It hurt that he didn’t want to get in touch with me and I told myself it was time to let go for good. I didn’t actually do that mind you, but I regularly told myself I should.

“Robert,” I said, blocking his entrance to my house with my arms crossed and what I hoped was a stare of some level of disdain. I felt mildly bad that he was getting wet from what was quickly turning into a storm but not bad enough to actually let him in.

“I know I’m a jerk, but can I please come in?” A moment later the thunder clapped and lightning lit up the sky so I stepped aside and let him in. I prayed for strength as I closed then re-locked the door.

When I turned back toward the living room I saw him surveying the boxes, wondering how to navigate the mess and find a seat. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“I mean it looks like you’re taking down your Christmas tree but it’s March so...”

“There is no rule about how long a Christmas tree can stay up, Robert.” I moved a box from the couch and another from my chair and gestured for him to sit. I did the same and for a few moments I just looked at him. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard about Michael,” he said and I took a deep breath and told myself not to cry. Michael was my mom’s third husband - the only father I’d ever really known since her first husband lasted only a few weeks and her second, my biological father, had no interest in having a family and left when I was five. He’d just been diagnosed with brain cancer, stage four. It wasn’t good and we knew we were going to lose him soon. 

“And so you came running home from New York to support your long lost friend in her time of need? Please, Robert. You can do better than that.”

“I deserve that,” he sighed and I wasn’t sure he did but I was angrier than I thought now that he was sitting in my living room. “I’ve been home for a few weeks to help Katie and I ran into your mom at the hospital. Had I known sooner I would have come.”

Katie was Robert’s younger sister, a surprise birth when we were in high school. I had no idea something was going on with her. “Why is Katie in the hospital?”

“Oh, I just assumed you knew...she had a baby and it was premature, but they’re all fine now. They just needed a little help since the father, well...she’s on her own. You know how my parents feel about babies born out of wedlock.” It was at his parents insistence that he marry the girl he got pregnant from college. They told him he was on his own if he didn’t. In the end, it turned out she wasn’t actually pregnant but he was too deep in by that point and tried to make it work for several years.

I closed my eyes and breathed in. “Robert, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” I wasn’t sure why my mom hadn’t told me since she probably knew. “But she’s okay?” He nodded and felt a bit better.

“How is your dad? Is he going to make it through this?” I shook my head and wiped a tear from the corner of my eye. “T...I mean Teresa...I’m sorry.”

I looked across the room at him and smiled. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you call me Teresa.”

“I wasn’t sure I was still allowed to use T.”

“You’re the only one that’s allowed.”

He got up from the chair and sat down next to me on the couch. It was almost too much to handle. “I’m sorry I hurt you, T.” I shrugged my shoulders, unsure of what to say. “You were the best friend I ever had and I never should have cut you out of my life like I did. I was embarrassed and didn’t want to hear ‘I told you so’ from you.”

"I would never have said that,” I breathed as I finally turned to look at him. 

“I deserved to hear it. I was stupid and immature and looking for something that I already had.”

“What do you mean?”

He rubbed his hands on his pants and it looked like he was starting to sweat. He took two deep breaths then stood and started pacing between and around the boxes.

“Robert, you’re kind of freaking me out here. What is it?”

“I think it took me being away, then coming back to face Katie’s situation to really see it, but it’s you, T. It’s always been you.”

I had to force myself to breathe. “What’s always been me?”

“The girls, the marriages...I was chasing something I already had with you. I just didn’t know I had it and then I ruined it and I don’t know, tonight, in the middle of the night, I just knew I had to tell you.”

“I’m gonna need you to be a little more clear, Robert. Maybe I’m tired but if you’re saying what I think you’re saying...”

“I am, T,” he said and sat back down and reached for my hand. “You are the love of my life and I’ve been the biggest fool for missing it for so long. And I know I don’t deserve you and don’t expect you to feel the same way but I needed you to know.”

I took a deep breath and pulled my hand from his then stood and walked toward my stairs. “T, please...”

“Just give me a minute.”

I stepped into my bedroom then closed the door and leaned back against it while I tried to process everything he’d just said. After a few minutes I went into the bathroom and nearly screamed at the sight of my hair and my whole overall look. I quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth then pulled the clip from the top of my head and brushed through my hair. I changed out of the shorts and t-shirt into leggings and a long v-neck t-shirt, put on some deodorant and told myself I was ready to say no to him. I just needed to look my best to do so.

He was pacing when I came back down the stairs and when he heard me he stopped and stared. “T, wow...you are beautiful.”

“Thanks,” I smiled then went back to the couch. He sat back down and I turned to him with every intention of telling him I no longer felt the same way, that too much time had passed, that no one had ever hurt me like he had, and so on. But my big speech was put on hold when my phone rang. One glance told me it was my mom and I picked up before it rang again.

“Mom, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Daddy, sweetie. It’s time.”

Somehow Robert just knew, and he pulled me into his arms as I broke down. Fifteen minutes later he drove me to the hospital and walked with me to my dad’s room where my mom was praying and crying.

“Mom,” I breathed as I lightly touched her shoulder. She stood and pulled me into her arms and for several minutes we both stood there in tears. 

I took some time to say my goodbyes then stepped out so she could do the same. Robert didn’t say a word, just put his arm around my shoulder and let me cry against his chest. When it was time for them to turn the machines off he walked in with me and held onto me and my mom until Michael took his last breath. He held us for a long time afterward then drove us both back to my mom’s house and offered to stay until morning. I told him it wasn’t necessary even though I desperately wanted him to stay.

“I’ll just stay until you both fall asleep,” he said and I nodded and followed my mom to her room but we both realized we couldn't sleep in there. Instead we went to the guest room and crawled into bed and cried ourselves to sleep.

I woke up before my mom and slipped out of the bed so she could sleep and when I opened the door I smelled coffee and made my way to the kitchen. I found Robert reading the paper and sipping from a mug and I couldn’t believe he’d stayed. 

“You’re here.”

“Hey.” He put down the paper then stood and met me at the edge of the kitchen. 

“You stayed.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you, Robert,” I said and reached for his hand. “About what you said last night...”

“We don’t have to talk about any of that,” he said then pulled away and busied himself pouring me a cup of coffee.

“We do,” I said. “But not today.” He nodded. “Thank you for staying. For being there. Everything.” I leaned in and kissed his cheek then took my coffee to the table and stared at it for a few moments before taking a sip. 

Over the next several days my mom and I got things in order for the funeral. Thankfully Michael was a planner and when he’d first been diagnosed he got his affairs ready and we didn’t have to do much. Robert was a gem. He answered when I called and he and his mom brought us meal after meal. He brought Katie and her baby by a couple of times and it was good to see my mom smile as she held the little boy in her arms. 

After the funeral was complete and the will was confirmed and dealt with, it was time for things to get back to normal and that meant finishing the Christmas tree, cleaning the house, going back to work and talking with Robert about his declaration. 

I got everything else done first, which took about a week, and while I touched base with him a couple of times I told him I needed a little time to process things. He was glad to give me time and when I was finally ready I asked him to come over for dinner on a Saturday night. It was almost three weeks since he’d reappeared and while I’d seen him quite a bit since I was still nervous when the doorbell rang.

“Hi,” I smiled when I opened the door.

“Hi,” he smiled back and I honestly had no idea what I was going to say to him.

He handed me a bouquet of spring flowers and kissed my cheek and I knew it was going to be an interesting evening. After I put the flowers in water I pulled the lasagna I’d made out of the oven and got everything on the table.

“So,” I started then took a sip of my water. 

“Listen,” he interrupted and put his hand on mine. “I know I just sort of threw things out there the other night, and I know it’s been a long time, so please don’t worry if you don’t feel the same or if you don’t want to be friends or whatever. I get it, I really do.”

“May I finish?” I grinned. He smiled and nodded and started to pull his hand away but I held on. “I’ve loved you my whole life, Robert, and I don’t know if you ever knew that or if you just brushed me off as being the girl next door or what, but when you left the first time, when you married Alicia, it nearly killed me. But then you came back and things were back to normal. But then there was Marjorie, and then you left for good, and I was certain my heart would never recover. And to be clear, I’m not sure it has, but the feelings haven’t gone away. I tried to push them down, to tell myself it was all over, but I knew it wasn’t. I just honestly never expected to see you again and then all of the sudden there you were, barging right back into my life and flipping things upside down.”

“I’m not sure what you’re saying, T.”

“These past few weeks you have been exactly what I needed. You’ve let me lean on you and cry on your shoulder, and you’ve been there for my mom, and I don’t know that we would have survived without you. But none of that was real, Robert. That was crisis mode and now we’re back to reality and I just don’t know what to think or feel. I know my feelings are still there but I know my heart still hasn’t recovered from the last time you left. I know I can’t just give it to you knowing that you might leave again and destroy it for good.” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth but I knew they were the right ones. I knew I couldn’t just jump in because he suddenly realized he loved me, no matter what I felt. 

“I understand,” he sighed and finally pulled his hand from mine. “I’m disappointed but I can’t blame you. I knew it was too late but I had to try, right?” I smiled and nodded. “I think I better go.” 

I didn’t try to stop him, just followed him to the door. 

“Thanks for giving this some thought, T. I’ll always regret missing out on what no doubt would have been great love.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek and my heart began to ache. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Robert.” 

I watched him walk away then closed the door, slid to the floor, and cried until I ran out of tears. I knew it was the right thing to do, knew there was no way I could trust that he wouldn’t hurt me, but at that moment I wasn’t sure anything could hurt more than watching him walk away. 

I moped around for days and everyone noticed. Most thought it was because of Michael’s death, and that was certainly part of it, but my mom knew better and after about two weeks she sat me down and told me a thing or two.

“Look, I know Robert broke your heart all those years ago, more than once, but he’s grown up, Teresa, and I saw the way he looked at you when he was helping us a few weeks ago. I heard the way he talked to you and the way he held your hand when you both thought no one else was looking. That’s real, sweetheart, and I understand your trepidation but please don’t squander real love because of your fears. Life is short, Teresa, and if someone loves you, and you love that someone back, then don’t wait. Jump in with both feet and even if it doesn’t work out, and you know there are no guarantees, you’ll have something special, something great, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get a son or a daughter that make you proud every single day, like you do me.”

“I love you, mom.” I hugged her tight when I left then drove around for several hours before making a decision that was likely to change my life for good.

It was after 2 in the morning when I knocked on his door. There was a light on so I was hopeful that he was awake. It was starting to rain and I couldn’t help but laugh at the similarity of the night he came back into my life. 

“Teresa?” he asked through a yawn as he opened the door.

“We’re back to Teresa?” I grinned.

“What are you doing here?”

“Can I come in? It’s starting to rain.”

“Am I dreaming right now?”

“I assure you this is very real.”

“Okay then,” he yawned and as he moved to the side I stepped in. He pushed the door closed, engaged the locks then stood in front of me.

“I don’t care if you break my heart again,” I started. “I don’t want to miss out on what we might have. I’ve never dated anyone because in the back of my mind I always hoped you’d come back and sweep me off my feet and well, here we are.”

“So you’re saying...”

“I’m saying that if you don’t kiss me right now I’m going to pretend this never happened and I’ll disappear into the night.”

“Well then,” he smiled and put his hands on my face then began to lean in.

“There’s just one thing,” I said, just before his lips touched mine.

“What’s that?”

“Please never call me Teresa again.”

“Deal,” he grinned then pressed his lips against mine for our first kiss.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Goodbye, Ben...

I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw him walking toward me in the theatre. It had been nearly two years since we’d spoken and I debated whether or not I should turn away and duck into the bathroom. About that time his eyes caught mine and he stopped walking and just stared. I barely registered the people around me, walking next to and between us. All I saw was Ben and the memories of more than 15 years of friendship came flooding back. 

I couldn’t move until he started walking toward me and all I wanted to do was run. It had been too long. What could he possibly have to say to me? What would I say back? Would I be able to articulate how much he’d hurt me? Would I be able to contain my emotions? The tears filling my eyes knew the answer and I turned and started to walk back toward the lobby, forgetting that I was on my way to see a movie.

“Lily, wait!”

I took a deep breath and willed the tears to stay in my eyes as the pain of our broken friendship hit me again but I turned back and waited for him to reach me.

“Can we talk?”

I wanted to say no, to tell him too much time had passed, but I was too curious about what he’d been up to and why he’d abandoned our friendship so I nodded and followed him to a bench in the lobby.

“It’s been a long time.”

“Two years,” I whispered, telling myself to stay strong and hold back my tears.

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t reply, just looked into his eyes in an effort to determine if he was sincere. “I never meant to hurt you but I know I did.” I nodded, but still didn’t say anything. “I know it’s probably too late, but can you ever forgive me?”

“I forgave you a long time ago, but I haven’t forgotten what happened, and I don’t know that I can let you back in.”

“I get that.” 

For a few moments we sat in silence, neither of us, it seemed, knowing what to say. Thankfully he broke the silence so I didn’t have to. “Are you good? I mean, you look great. Have you lost weight?”

I couldn’t believe he even noticed or that he actually remembered what I looked like. I didn’t know what to say so I just turned it back on him. “You said you wanted to talk?”

Just then a woman who looked vaguely familiar approached and stood in front of us. “There you are.” I tilted my head trying to figure out how I knew her.

“Lily, you remember my sister Jane.”

“Lily? Wow. Hi.”

“Hi.” I’d met her a couple of times years earlier but he’d had a falling out with her at some point over something, in my opinion, that was quite stupid. He’d blown things out of proportion and was too full of himself to apologize.

She stood there for a few moments then made an excuse about needing to pop into the bookstore next to the theatre. “It was good to see you, Lily.”

“You, too.”

Once she was gone I turned back to Ben. “I’m glad you made up with her.”

“Yeah, me, too. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed her, especially after dad died.”

“Oh, Ben, I didn’t know.”

“I mean you know we weren’t close but he was still my dad and...”

“I get it,” I said and started to put my hand on his but thought better of it.

“I know you do,” he said and reached for my hand but I pulled back. The memory of him sitting with me in the hospital when my dad was dying washed over me and I inched away from him and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know I don’t even deserve a minute of your time and can’t believe I presumed we could just go back to the way things were. I’ve just...I’ve really missed you.”

It was useless trying to hold the tears in for another moment. They fell as I turned. “I’ve missed you, too,” I breathed and let the tears fall.

“Lily,” he sighed, his voice soft. 

I wiped my face and sniffed as I tried to stop crying. “I’m fine, really,” I lied. “It’s just...this is a lot.”

“I know.” We sat quietly for a few moments and I’m sure people wondered what was going on but everything beyond our bench was a blur. “There are so many things I want to tell you,” he said. “Things I need to say to you, but I know you were headed to a movie and I don’t want to make you late.”

“It’s okay. I’m not sure I could focus on it now anyway. But maybe this isn’t the best place to talk.”

“Right.” He pulled out his phone. “Let me just text Jane then we can go somewhere else. I mean, if you want to.” I shrugged and nodded, not sure if I did or didn’t but too overwhelmed by the moment to say anything else.

We walked across the parking lot to a coffee shop I’d never been to, thankful it wasn’t a place we’d ever been together. It wasn’t empty but also wasn’t so crowded that I wouldn’t be able to hear myself think. He pointed toward what appeared to be the only booth in the place, near the back by a fireplace. I nodded and followed him through the shop. It wasn’t cold enough for the fireplace to be lit but it made me smile that he remembered how much I loved sitting by fireplaces and how cold I always was. 

“Tea?” he asked as I slid onto the bench. I smiled and nodded.

I suppose it wasn’t all that surprising that he remembered the tea or the fireplace; I remembered exactly how he liked his coffee and which side of the booth he preferred and the way his smile went up just a little higher on the right side. I remembered his laugh and how he’d get quiet when he was angry or upset. I remembered everything, including how he just drifted away without a word as to why. I remembered blaming myself and assuming I did something wrong, that I wasn’t good enough to even be his friend, much less something more. 

I remembered how it took me over a year to come to terms with it and that as much as I told myself I had, I still had so many questions. I’d loved him more than I realized and learned for the first time what it felt like to have a broken heart. I’d never spoken of these feelings to him, mind you, or to anyone other than my best friend Kaley and my older sister Lia, but I knew they were there and I had a feeling he did, too. 

As I waited for him to return I reminded myself to be open but not vulnerable, to listen and forgive but never to forget how it felt when he just disappeared. I told myself not to let him all the way in again, to hear him out but not get my hopes up, that I was happy and doing quite well without him. I’d realized since he left that we would never have worked as a couple, but I still thought we could have been lifelong friends. We were very different people, which is something you don’t necessarily see until someone’s gone. We didn’t actually have that much in common and were too often annoyed with each other. I couldn’t see it when I was in the midst of it but hindsight is 20/20 and I now saw everything that should have been a red flag to a longterm relationship of any sort, even friendship.

“Thanks for agreeing to talk,” he said, interrupting my thoughts and bringing me back to reality as he sat down with my tea and his coffee.

“Sure.” I was definitely guarded, and I knew he could tell.

“I know you have a lot of questions.” I nodded and sipped my tea. “And I’ll do my best to answer every one of them.” I’d never seen him so open about anything. I silently thanked God for whatever He’d done in his heart, as I knew that was the only way we were sitting there. “I’m just not sure where to start.”

“How about starting with why...why you cut off all contact, why you ran away, why you abandoned our friendship...” I was honestly surprised I said it, and by the look on his face, so was he. I’d never been so assertive with him before and it felt good. 

“Will you tell me one thing first?”

“Seriously?”

“I know, but I just need to know.”

I couldn’t believe after everything that he had the nerve to ask me something before telling me anything. I let out an exasperated sigh and said a fairly snarky, “Fine.”

“Is it true that you had feelings for me? That you were hoping we were something more than friends?”

I wondered who he’d been talking to, as only two other people in the world knew about the feelings I had for him. I planned to have some serious words with Kaley and Lia the next time I talked to them because they were the only ones he could have possibly talked to. “I thought I did,” I said after contemplating it for a few silent moments then realized I needed to be honest if I expected him to do the same. “No, that’s not true.” I took a sip of tea then took a deep breath and told the truth. “I did have feelings for you, Ben, and it took a long time for my heart to heal. If I’m being perfectly honest, it’s still not fully healed because I have no idea what happened.” I felt myself getting worked up but knew I needed to get out what had been stuck inside for the last two years. “I knew you didn’t have the same feelings for me, and that was fine, I would have gotten over it. It would have been easier to hear from you that you didn’t feel the same way then to just believe that you had no interest in me whatsoever, not even as a friend. I mean what the hell happened, Ben? Why did you just leave?”

“Because it hurt too much.” That was certainly not what I was expecting him to say and I’m sure the look on my face told him I had no idea what he was talking about. “I wanted so much to return those feelings, wanted to be able to be more than friends, but I just couldn’t and I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you by telling you I didn’t feel the same.” When I didn’t respond he continued. “I see the flaw in that logic now, obviously, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, to just pull away and move on. It’s what I’ve always done when things have become too complicated, too hard to deal with.”

“Yes, I’m well aware of your pattern.” I was irritated. “I watched you do it with others but never expected to be the one you cut out of your life.”

“I know, and I know there aren’t enough apologies in the world that can fix what I broke, but I am more sorry than you could know.”

I sighed again, exasperated that I still wasn’t getting a good answer about things, but resigned that this was probably the best I was going to get. “Do you know how many times a day something reminds me of you? Do you know how often people ask me about you, thinking that we’re still friends? Do you know how many things still make me cry?” He started to say something but I cut him off. “Never mind. It doesn't even matter.”

“It does matter, Lily. You matter.”

“I don’t even know what to say. I thought I was mostly over this, over you, but then you just stroll back into my life today and I’m right back where I started. I still don’t understand any of this and I don’t know what to do. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.” I started to get up but he put his hand on mine and implored me to stay.

“There’s more that I need to tell you, and I know it might not change anything, but I need you to know. I need to stop lying and be honest about everything, with you of all people.”

“Lying? About what?”

He took a deep breath then clasped his hands in front of him on the table and leaned forward. “I’m an addict, Lily, recovering, but once an addict, always an addict.” I sat back, stunned. I’d never seen him take a drink and couldn’t imagine him doing drugs. “I know you’re shocked. I hid it very well. My own family didn’t know, though Jane suspected and is the one who I finally went to when everything went sideways.” I had no idea what to say and I was sure my eyes were the size of saucers. “Because I know you’re wondering, it was alcohol, it was prescription drugs, and some that weren’t prescription. It had been going on for so long that I was able to mask things at work, with friends and family, and still live a fairly normal life.” I let him continue as I sipped the remaining drops of tea from my cup. “I was afraid that you were starting to suspect, that you'd think less of me, and that you'd push me away if you knew what I was doing, so I pushed you away instead. I pushed a lot of people away over the years and didn’t give anyone the chance to reach me.” I felt tears in my eyes as my heart broke in a whole different way. How had I not seen it? My younger brother was an addict and died from an overdose when I was in college. I should have seen it. I looked away as I wiped my face then looked back and, despite my internal voice telling me not to, reached for his hands.

“I should have seen it,” I breathed through my tears. “I should have helped.”

“Oh, Lily,” he sighed as he wrapped his hands around mine. “There’s no way you could have seen it. Like I said, I was a pro at hiding it. And if you’d said something, I probably would have just pushed you away sooner.”

“But I should have known.” I felt like a horrible friend, like I should be sitting there apologizing to him instead of the other way around. 

“Look at me,” he whispered and I lifted my head. “This isn’t your fault. And I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad or guilty or anything at all. This was all me and I have a long way to go but I’m healing and trying to make amends with the people I hurt.”

I nodded as more tears fell then pulled my hands from his to wipe my face. “So you’re in some sort of program?”

“I am, and have been for more than a year.”

“And you’re clean? Sober? I don’t even know what the right term is.”

He smiled. “I’m both of those things, and I’m in counseling, probably will be for the rest of my life.”

“So what finally made you get help?”

“Actually, it was you.”

“Me? How?”

"It was the letter,” he said and I knew exactly what he meant. 

About a year earlier, when I’d started to come to terms with the fact that I would never see him again, I’d written him a letter telling him everything. He knew about my feelings because I’d told him in that letter. I made a mental note to refrain from having words with my sister and Kaley. I’d told him how he’d broken my heart, how I just wanted to know what happened, how I just wanted him to be happy. I honestly never expected him to read it but it had been a cathartic exercise and I’d felt better after I sent it. 

“You'd given me a lot of cards over the years but knowing you took the time to actually hand write a letter, that you still cared after what I did...I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t imagine talking to you until I got things back on track, or at least on the way to being back on track, but I can honestly say you’re the reason I took that first step.”

“Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

“Just let me say thank you,” he smiled. “For always caring, for always believing I was better than I was, for always being there even when I wasn’t.”

Tears filled my eyes again and I smiled as I shrugged. A few slipped down my cheeks and I quickly wiped them away. I couldn’t believe my words had given him what he needed to reach out for help. 

“I know none of this changes the fact that I hurt you, but I’m hoping that with time we might be able to be friends again.”

“Tell me something.”

“Anything.”

“If you hadn’t seen me in the theatre today...I mean, were you ever going to call or were you just hoping our paths would cross?” Suddenly I was more angry than sad. It seemed too convenient, too easy.

“Honestly?”

“That would be preferable, yes.”

“I don’t know. I mean I hoped I could, as your name has been on my list of people to reach out to for quite some time. I just didn’t know how to do it, how to just call you out of the blue after just disappearing.”

He seemed sincere, like it truly was a coincidence that we’d run into each other, and that he would, at some point, have reached out one way or another. Still, I wasn’t ready to jump back in and wasn’t sure I ever would be. I was glad he was getting help and that he’d been honest about things, but too much time had passed, too much had happened, and it was all very clear at that moment.

“I’m glad I ran into you today,” I started. “Because now I actually have some closure.” He looked like he might cry at any moment because he knew I was about to say a final goodbye. “I think that’s what I was missing. I just needed to know why, and now I do.” He nodded. “I want to wish you well as you continue to heal and work through things, and I truly do wish you the best, but I can’t go back to the way things were, and I can’t let you back in.”

“I understand.” It looked like his eyes were getting foggy and I felt bad but knew it was the right thing to do. “Thank you for listening and for always being a better friend to me than I was to you.” I nodded and felt my own eyes misting a bit. “I hope you have a wonderful life, and I hope that if our paths do cross again we can at least smile and say a friendly hello.”

I nodded as the tears slid down my cheeks one final time. “Goodbye, Ben.”

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Crushed.

I’d been dating Marcus Simmons since before either of us were actually allowed to date. We met in first grade when Mrs. Donner’s seating chart placed us next to each other since my last name is Simmons, too. Throughout elementary school we sat next to each other and because boys were eww until 7th grade I barely talked to him. Well, that’s not completely true. I regularly told him to shut up since he teased me relentlessly. As I learned later, teasing is an elementary school boy’s way of flirting. And apparently the more annoyed someone is about the teasing, the more they do it. Needless to say, he teased me a lot. 

When junior high came around we moved classes every hour and with the exception of Mr. Gill’s Advanced English class, we didn’t have alphabetical seating charts. I had three classes with Marcus every day but only sat next to him in English and when that class arrived at the end of our first day in the new school I found I was actually excited to see him. I’d missed the familiarity of him being next to me and weirdly, I’d missed his teasing.

“Hey, Monica,” he said as he slid into the seat next to me at the table. 

“Marcus, hi!” I knew immediately that I was too excited but if he noticed, he didn’t let on.

“How’s the first day been?”

“Good I guess...weird...you?”

“Same I guess...it’s nice to see a friendly face.”

I smiled and felt warm all over, which was a new feeling that I didn’t know if I liked. 

When the first dance of the year arrived a month or so later we’d been talking a lot more, walking together to our lockers after English and doing a lot more flirting than teasing. We met at the gym after being dropped off by our respective parents and danced most of the night together. That’s the night he kissed me for the first time, and while it wasn’t anything to write home about, just a quick peck on the lips, it’s a night I’ll never forget. 

We were boyfriend and girlfriend from then on and while there were ups and downs and times we both thought we should call it quits, we actually made it to our senior year. I hadn’t seen Marcus since early in the summer because we both had family vacations and various camps and programs, not to mention jobs, that kept us busy up until the first day of school. Sure, we’d talked on the phone and via text, but I hadn’t seen his face in over two months and I was giddy as I waited by my locker, which I assumed was next to his, as it had been since junior high.

The first bell rang to alert us that class was starting in five minutes, and I couldn’t understand why I hadn't seen him yet. I’d sent him several texts but he hadn’t responded so I figured he’d left his phone at home or in the car, something he’d been doing more and more of late. When the second bell rang I had to sprint through the halls to avoid being late to my first class of the last year of high school. 

We’d planned our schedules at the end of the prior year and I knew Marcus wasn’t going to be in my first period History class. I was disappointed that I hadn’t seen him yet but knew he was in second period Calculus with me so I tried to focus and count down the minutes until I saw him.

I said hi to other friends as I got seated, with two full minutes to spare, but noticed that several people were looking at me through their side eye and I couldn’t imagine what was going on. When my best friend Lisa walked in everyone looked at her then me and back at her. I waved at her and pointed to the seat next to me but she looked away and took a seat up front. “Okay, what the hell?” I said, a little too loud. A minute later a stranger walked in and thankfully everyone began staring at him as he walked to the only empty seat in the room, the one next to me.

“Okay, everyone,” Ms. Paul started as she walked in. “Do you like who you’re sitting by? Good. Because that’s your study and project partner for the year.” I’d been looking forward to doing my projects with Lisa but when I tried to get her attention to switch seats she turned away and I sunk down in the chair and tried not to cry.

“Sorry, did you want to sit with someone else?” The stranger’s voice was gentle and soothing as he whispered near my ear. I turned and looked into his eyes, his gorgeous blue eyes that sparkled as I stared. A few seconds passed before I shook my head and wiped a tear that escaped down my cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” I lied. 

“I’m Nick.”

He smiled and put out his hand and I swear his eyes got even brighter as his dimples appeared. “Monica,” I breathed as I took his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, Monica.” 

My hand fit perfectly in his but I pulled it away quickly as it seemed like I was feeling far too much about a person I didn’t know and as far as I knew, I was still very much in a relationship with Marcus.

“Um, nice to meet you, too,” I rambled. 

“Okay, so I’m passing around the syllabus and by the end of the week I want to know the topic of your first project, which will be due in six weeks.” A collective groan rose throughout the room but it was shut down quickly by Ms. Paul when she told us to pull out our books then started lecturing. 

I felt another tear find its way out of the corner of my eye and just as I was wiping it away, Nick glanced over. I turned quickly but a few seconds later he pushed his notebook toward me and tapped it with his pen. I looked down and saw that he’d written Are you okay? then put Yes and No check boxes underneath. I couldn’t help but smile as I picked up my own pen and added another box underneath. I’m not sure but it’s sweet of you to ask. I drew a happy face then pushed the notebook back to him. He smiled then wrote something else.

I’m a pretty good listener...

We’re in class...

We could walk to our next class together...I’ve got calc, you?

I turned and tilted my head as I looked at him. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders, as if to ask me what my deal was.

Okay.

I pushed the notebook back then refocused on Ms. Paul and jotted down some brief notes before the end of class. It wasn’t easy, as all I was thinking about was what was going on with Lisa and why everyone had been looking at me with weird faces. I was also still trying to figure out why I hadn’t seen or heard from Marcus.

When class ended I tried to get to Lisa but she moved quickly and when I realized I couldn’t reach her I sat down and shook my head. Nick sat down across from me and that’s when I felt my phone vibrate. “Marcus,” I whispered as I pulled it from my pocket. I smiled when I saw his name.

Marcus: We need to talk.

Me: Where were you this morning? I thought we were meeting?

Marcus: Couldn’t. Meet you by the gym at lunch.

Me: I can talk now, before calc.

Marcus: Schedule changed. Lunch.

Me: What? Why? What’s going on?

Marcus: Lunch, okay?

Me: Okay.

“We should probably go.” I looked up and saw Nick standing next to me with my bag in his hand. I felt like I was in some sort of shock. I nodded as I stood then took my bag and slung it across my body. “At the risk of sounding redundant, are you okay?”

I blinked my eyes and shook my head as the tears fell.

“Good listener, remember?” He smiled as he pointed toward his chest and I smiled as more tears fell.

The next period’s students started coming in so I started walking and Nick followed quickly. I didn’t say anything because why was I going to bare my soul to a complete stranger. He didn’t push, which I appreciated, and it was actually nice to have someone to walk with since everyone was still staring at me and very few people were saying hi. Their eyes looked at me with sadness or something that I could only define as pity.

The next two periods moved slower than the calendar when Christmas is getting close and I was actually thankful that Nick was in both the Calculus and Chemistry classes with me. During Chem I told him that I had to meet someone for lunch then gave him my number so we could check in later about our History project. He shared his number as well and I thanked him for being so nice. We’d already figured out that with the exception of choir in the afternoon we had the same schedule. I had a free period where I worked in the office when he would be singing tenor with our award-winning choir.

As soon as Chemistry ended I bolted toward the gym so I could figure out what was going on with Marcus and maybe figure out what was up with Lisa at the same time. When I got to the gym they were huddled together looking a little bit too cozy for two people who weren’t dating. I watched for a few seconds before I cleared my throat and startled both of them. It was so cliche, my boyfriend and my best friend betraying me together. 

“We didn’t mean for it to happen,” Lisa explained. “But you know, we were in that program and...”

“And you just felt like you could betray me by hooking up with the only guy I’ve ever loved?”

“It wasn’t like that,” Marcus interjected.

“Says the cheater,” I snapped and crossed my arms in front of my body. 

“We didn’t mean to hurt you,” he continued.

“Oh well, since you didn’t mean to hurt me...” I took a few deep breaths as I glared at them then continued. “Neither of you speak to me ever again.”

“Monica,” Lisa pleaded, but I’d already turned around and started walking away.

“Let her go.” His whisper made me cringe and while I knew I shouldn’t have looked back I couldn’t help myself. He’d pulled her into his arms and was comforting her as she cried. 

“Unbelievable!” I cried. “You could at least wait ‘till I’m out of sight.” I wasn’t paying attention as I walked sideways and backward and ran right into the door jamb, which made my nose bleed and my head hurt like crazy. “Perfect,” I grumbled and didn’t wait for them to get to me even though I heard them both ask if I was okay. 

I ran to the nurse’s office and nearly knocked Nick over in the hall. “Hey, are you...?”

“If you ask me if I’m okay one more time...” I turned to him and his wide eyes told me just how bad I looked.

“Oh god, Monica, what happened?”

As I stared at him I started to feel woozy and a moment or two later I was falling toward him. When I came to in the nurse’s office, thanks to some old-fashioned smelling salts, Nick was sitting next to me and the nurse was calling my mom. 

“No, I’m not okay,” I said even though he hadn’t asked me again.

“I can see that. How can I help?”

“I just need to get home.”

He nodded but didn’t make any kind of move to leave. “Did you get any lunch?” I shook my head and he reached into his backpack and pulled out an apple. “An apple a day, right?” 

He smiled and I couldn’t help but do the same as I took the fruit from his hands. “Thanks.” I took a bite and honesty, it was the best apple I’d ever tasted in my life. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

“I’m a nice guy,” he grinned and I was going to continue the conversation but the nurse turned back toward us.

“Right, so your mum is on her way, love, and you can rest here until she arrives.” Nurse Lynn was more like a British nanny than a nurse, which is why I adored her. “Now, young man, are you staying or going?” Nick looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what more to do. 

“Staying? I think?”

“Right, so I’ll get you a pass into your class once Miss Simmons’ mum arrives. Now I have to go to a quick meeting with the vice principal; can I trust you two to behave?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Nick answered and I nodded as I felt that same warm and fuzzy feeling come over me again. 

Once she was gone Nick looked at me and smiled. “No pressure, but like I said...” He put his hand on his chest. “Good listener.”

I sighed and nodded my head. “Fine.” He was clearly pleased with himself based on how his smile got bigger. “Apparently I’m a complete fool. My best friend - the girl from History this morning...” He nodded. “She's apparently been hooking up with my boyfriend all summer and I was the very last person in the entire school to know.”

“Well that’s not entirely true,” he said, his eyes filled with the same pity I’d seen in my friends earlier. “I mean I didn’t know.” 

“Very funny.”

“I’m just saying, if you’re going to throw out things like ‘entire school’ you just need to be clear.” He was funny and I needed to laugh more than he probably knew.

“Who are you and how did you happen to cross my path today?” 

“I am Nicholas Vance Young, Junior, son of Nicholas Vance Young, Senior and Marilyn Louise Atkinson Young. I have one older sister who lives in France and twin cousins who share my birthday. We moved here because of my dad taking over Western Bank, and being the new kid in senior year absolutely sucked until I saw you.” I felt the blush on my cheeks and wondered if he was some sort of angel. “And you are?”

“Monica Louise Simmons.” We both turned as my mother walked in, grinning as if she’d walked in on something. Nick stood up and walked toward her then introduced himself and shook her hand. 

“I better get back to class,” he said as he turned back toward me. “Can I call you later?”

“I’d like that.” He nodded and winked. “And thanks again.”

“My pleasure.”

He seemed like an angel, someone God purposely put in all my classes to save me from the pain of being cheated on by the boy I thought was my soulmate. I didn’t know what future was out there for me, for Nick, for me and Nick, but I knew it was a little brighter because he was in it.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

That day...

I stared out the windows at the rain coming down, wishing I’d left school earlier rather than stay in the library to work on my paper. Now I was stuck and had my doubts that my car would even start since it has been acting up lately and never much liked the rain either.

“Wanna make a run for it?”

I looked up and found Zane Williams leaning over me, also looking out at the rain. Of all people to be stuck with, Zane Williams was certainly not the worst person. He was smart, cute and, from what everyone said, a pretty good guy. We’d been in school together for a few years but I didn’t really know him.

“Not especially.”

“It’s really coming down.”

“Uh huh.”

“Do you kids have a ride?” We turned to see Mr. Tinsdale packed up and ready to go. “We’re closing up in a few minutes and these doors will automatically lock you in if you’re not gone by 7.” We both looked up at the clock over the door, which read 6:58.

“Okay,” I said and figured I’d have to run and hope for the best.

“We’re good, Mr. T,” Zane smiled and I couldn’t imagine how many times our librarian had heard that over the years. He took it in stride though and shook his head as he walked away.

“It’s now or never,” Zane said and I nodded as I pulled my bag close. “Ready?”

“No.” He laughed and I couldn’t help but do the same. “But we only have a minute so let’s go.”

I pushed on the door and was almost immediately knocked down by the wind. Zane put his arm around me, steadying me, then asked me where my car was. I pointed to the back of the parking lot. “Of course,” he smiled and I laughed again. 

“I suppose you have a more convenient parking space?”

“I didn’t drive...hadn’t planned on staying this late.”

“Well, if we don’t die on the way to my car I can take you home.”

We were soaked by the time we made it to my car and I pushed the key fob to unlock it as quickly as I could then slid in and shivered. Zane did the same and for a few seconds we just sat there. “Maybe some heat?” 

“Right,” I nodded then put the key in the ignition and turned it until the engine roared to life. I turned up the heat and put my hands in front of the vent as the warm air began to blow. Zane did the same and for a few moments we didn’t say anything, just rubbed our hands in a very futile effort to get warm. “This isn’t working,” I said and he agreed. “I guess we should just go. Where do you live anyway? It must not be far if you didn’t drive.”

“Actually, you can just drop me at the park at 9th and Fetterman. I can walk from there.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll take you all the way home.” I started driving in the direction of the park thinking he’d give me some directions but as the park came into view he hadn’t said anything so I pulled over near one of the picnic areas and let the car idle. “So?”

“This is fine,” he said and started to get out but I reached across and pulled his hand from the door.

“My mother would never forgive me if I left you to fend for yourself in the rain. I don’t care how close your house might be, you don’t need to walk in this.” He didn’t say anything, just looked out the window. “Zane?” When he still didn’t respond I put my hand on his shoulder. “Look, I know I don’t know you that well but I’m a pretty good listener.”

He smiled as he turned and I could see tears in his eyes. “I always knew you were a good person,” he said and I didn’t know quite how to respond. “I just...well, see that car up there?” He pointed toward an older sedan, green in color and I nodded. “My mom and I...we...well, we’ve been...”

“I see,” I said, stopping him from having to actually say it out loud. “And is she there now?”

“She probably just got back from work. I mean it’s not like she doesn’t work hard, you know? But after my dad left and we didn’t have savings and...”

“Zane,” I interrupted, putting my hand on his shoulder again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Nobody knows,” he sighed. “It’s just been a couple of months.” I nodded. “Anyway, I should go. She’ll be worried.”

“Look, I’m not trying to butt in but I can’t in good conscience let you and your mom stay out here. This weather isn’t getting any better and we have a perfectly good basement with perfectly good beds that no one is using, and I won’t say anything to anyone at school, but...”

“Melody, that’s very sweet but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s just...I mean we’re not charity cases.”

“I never said you were. I’m just trying to do a nice thing here.” A huge clap of thunder hit and we both jumped. “Come on. Let’s get your mom. And you can ride with me or follow me or whatever you want to do. I’m not going to leave you out here.”

“You don’t give up, do you?” He smiled and I shook my head as I smiled back. 

They followed me back to my house and I opened the garage so they could pull in where I usually did. I didn’t want all their things to be out in the open. I’d called my parents on the way home and told them what was going on but they didn’t make a big deal about things, just welcomed Zane and his mom in, then showed them the rooms downstairs. 

I was staring at the food in the fridge, feeling as blessed as I’d ever felt, when Zane came back upstairs. “Hey, everything okay down there? I know it’s not fancy but...”

“Melody,” he interrupted. “You have no idea what this means to me, to my mom...no one’s ever done anything like this for us.”

I nodded and hoped the tears pooling in my eyes weren’t obvious to him. “You hungry? I was thinking of making pizza or something.”

“Please don’t go to any more trouble.”

“Trust me,” I smiled. “Feeding myself is no trouble at all. The trouble would come if I didn’t eat.” He laughed, which surprised both of us, then agreed that pizza sounded good. 

I popped two of the frozen pizzas into the oven, filled some cups with water, then sat down next to him at the counter. “Hey, would your mom like something? I’m sorry, I should have asked sooner.”

“She’s okay. She usually eats at work.”

“What does she do anyway?”

“She’s a sous chef.”

“Oh wow, how cool! But I bet it’s hard work, too.” He nodded and told me about the restaurant where she worked, her boss, and how she got as many shifts as possible but it just wasn’t enough to keep the mortgage payments up and she was exhausted at the end of every day. I could tell he was worried about her.

“My dad just disappeared and we haven’t been able to find a place that will rent to us since my mom doesn’t make a lot of money. If she could have her own kitchen, her own restaurant...”

“I’m sure she will...”

The timer for the pizza buzzed and I jumped up, grabbed some plates then pulled the pizza stones out of the oven. After cutting each pizza, I slid them onto the plates, grabbed some parmesan and peppers then sat back down. 

“Thanks, Melody,” he said.

“Of course,” I smiled then leaned against his shoulder, feeling closer to him after learning so much about him and his mom. 

I woke up the next morning to a message saying that school was closed due to a downed power line and just as I was about to dive back under my covers I heard laughter coming from the kitchen. I pulled on some leggings and a sweatshirt then padded my way down the stairs to find my mom and Zane’s talking over coffee, as if they were the best of friends catching up after years.

“Hey, sweetie,” my mom smiled when she saw me. “You will never believe this, but Barbara and I went to high school together.” 

“What?!”

“It was just one year...” Barbara said. “...when my parents thought I’d straighten up if I went to Catholic school.” They laughed again and I just stood there wondering when the world got so small. “Anyway, I better get to the restaurant,” she continued. “I can’t believe it...Rachel Young, sorry, Lee.”

“I’m just sorry I didn’t recognize you last night,” my mom said. “And I better get to work, too.”

They both said goodbye and I stood in a bit of a daze as I watched them go then wandered into the kitchen to make some toast. What were the odds that the parent of a student I barely knew actually knew my mom? Had the universe put this all in place? I was pondering these great questions when Zane appeared from the basement. 

“Toast?”

He shrugged and nodded. 

“Sleep okay?”

“Sure.”

He seemed different than the night before, more closed off, less interested in talking or having any kind of interaction with me. I could have pushed the issue, asked more questions, pried into what was wrong, but instead I just nodded and finished buttering the toast then popped it in the toaster oven. While the bread browned I popped a K-cup of hot chocolate into the Keurig and waited for it to fill my cup. “Hot chocolate?” I asked as I held out the mug.

“No thanks.”

I didn’t know him well but I thought we’d connected the night before. Was he embarrassed? Was he afraid I’d share his secret? I had so many questions but I stopped myself from asking as I sipped the cocoa. I pulled the toast out and put the two pieces on a plate then put the next two in. I sat the plate in front of him on the table without a word then turned back into the kitchen.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” I smiled and caught his eye for a moment. He smiled and I wondered if maybe he just wasn’t a morning person. 

Once my toast was done I took my plate, along with my cocoa to the table, and sat down across from Zane. For a minute or so we just watched each other eat, and I could hardly stand the sound of the toast crunching.

“So what should we do today?” I looked up and stopped chewing, surprised that he spoke a full sentence.

“Huh?”

“Today. No school...no moms...what should we do to enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime moment?”

I had no idea how to respond so I just shrugged and took another bite of toast, smiling a little as I did.

“In case you didn’t figure it out, I’m not really a morning person until I’ve eaten something. Sorry if I was short or rude before.”

“Apology accepted.” I took another sip of my cocoa and he watched as if he wanted some. “Can I make you something to drink now that you’re back to being human?” I grinned and he blushed as he reached for my cup. I watched him take a drink then shook my head. “I didn’t mean for you to drink my cocoa,” I said as I took my cup back.

“But it was right there,” he teased. “And I just wanted a sip.”

“Uh huh.” I picked up my plate and the cup then walked back into the kitchen. He followed and stood close as he reached around me to put his plate in the sink with mine.

“Maybe we could see a movie?”

“I was thinking mini golf.”

I looked outside at the rain still pouring down. “Ummm...”

“The indoor one...at the mall...”

“That glow in the dark place?” He smiled and nodded.

An hour later we walked into the mall and paid for a round of mini golf. It was empty, something I was grateful for, as I wasn’t sure I wanted to explain to anyone why I was hanging out with Zane Williams. I wasn’t embarrassed or anything like that, but I also didn’t hang out with Zane or any other boy, and I was sure our classmates would have all kinds of questions.

“So I should tell you,” I said as I put my ball on the first tee. “I am the world’s worst mini golfer.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Trust me.”

“Well okay then, let’s see what you’ve got, or what you don’t have, I guess.” I tilted my head as I stuck my tongue out and he laughed and winked. I hoped he didn’t notice my blush since it actually was quite dark inside.

I squared myself up near the ball and started to swing when he caught my club and stepped behind me. “Okay, let me help before you hit me with that thing.”

“It wasn’t even close to you.”

“It was,” he said then put his arms around me, slid his hands onto mine and gripped the club. I was certain he could feel the goosebumps all over my skin as well as my shaking but if he felt any of it, he didn’t let on. “Now, gently,” he whispered as he pulled my hands back then brought the club forward to hit the ball. It rolled slowly down the simple putting green and plopped right into the hole.

“Oh my god!” I screamed then turned and put my arms around him. Two seconds later I froze, realizing what I’d done, then quickly stepped back. I was glad I couldn’t completely see his face. “Sorry, I, uh...I was just excited and...sorry.”

He found my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Don’t be sorry.”

It seemed like time stopped as a shock of electricity ran through my body. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, but I knew I didn’t want him to let go. I inhaled as he stepped closer and somehow found his eyes in the minimal light around us. 

“Hi,” he breathed and I swear his eyes smiled.

“Hi,” I managed to say.

He brushed some hair from my face, and I sighed at his touch. “I guess we should get back to the game.”

“Uh huh.” He stepped a little closer.

“But no one’s behind us...”

“That’s true.”

“And this light is rather perfect.”

“Mmm hmm...”

“And you are so...”

I interrupted whatever he was about to say by pressing my lips against his, surprising us both. He slid his hands around my back and I looped mine around his neck as we melted into our first kiss, my first ever kiss.

I don’t know how long we kissed, it was likely less than a minute, but it felt like a lifetime and after we pulled back I couldn’t wait until we found a moment to kiss again.

“I suppose we should keep playing,” he whispered as he leaned his forehead against mine.

“I suppose we should,” I agreed but had absolutely no interest in moving.

“You gonna play or what?”

We both turned quickly toward the voice behind us and I for one was thankful I didn’t recognize the two girls. They looked to be around our age but could have easily been older. We made our apologies then moved on to the next hole, our arms around each other as we laughed at the situation.

We played the next few holes quickly in order to get ahead of the girls, flirting more and more as we went. By the time we made it halfway through the course and the girls were no longer in sight he pulled me close and pressed his lips against mine again. I closed my eyes as I kissed him back and disappeared into a world I knew nothing about. 

I didn’t date, had never dated, and had hardly even had a crush on a boy. I’d been asked out a time or two but said no for this reason or that, opting to hang out with friends or study. As I got closer to my senior year studying became my only choice, which is why I was in the library when I ran into Zane. Zane had been the homecoming king in the fall, held some sort of student council office, always had a lot of friends around, and I just assumed he dated more than I did. I wondered if our connection was temporary or if it was something more than either of us even knew.

“We should probably keep playing,” I breathed as we pulled apart. “Those girls are going to catch up soon.”

“Right,” he smiled. “You’re just so...”

“So are you.”

He kissed me again, soft and quick, then we got back to the game. It wasn’t easy to focus because all I wanted to do was kiss him again and again, but I also knew we needed to figure out what was going on and talk about a lot of things. 

We finished the game and turned in our clubs then headed back into the mall. He took my hand and I smiled as I looked into his eyes. It was so natural and felt so right, like we’d been holding hands forever, like we were actually meant to be together.

“Wanna get something to eat?” I nodded and he squeezed my fingers. 

We opted for a sit-down restaurant, as opposed to the food court, and after we ordered he reached for my hand across the table. “So...”

“So...” I echoed.”

“This is...unexpected.”

“It is.”

“But it’s good, right? I mean it just feels so...”

“Natural?”

“Yeah, very. I’ve never felt so connected to someone.”

“Me either, but I’m not an expert on these kinds of things.”

“Neither am I, but I’m not sure anyone is. I think it just, you know, happens, kind of like it’s happening now.”

“Maybe so...I mean I know I like kissing you.” I blushed as I smiled and didn’t even care that he could see me. He smiled and I detected a slight blush on his cheeks, too. “But I want to know more about you, more about what you’re thinking, what your dreams are, where you want to be in ten years...”

“Hey, slow down...I’m not going anywhere.”

“Sorry.” I felt embarrassed as I looked down.

“Don’t be sorry, just don’t rush things.”

“I told you I wasn’t an expert at this. I mean I’ve never even been on a date, not that this is one, or maybe it is, I don’t know...”

“We don’t have to define it, but if we did, I’m pretty sure it would be a date, not that I’ve been on many of them either.”

As we ate we talked about everything, our childhoods, our families, school and so much more. We lingered for nearly three hours and I honestly couldn’t believe how fast the time flew or how easy it was to talk to him. We kept talking as we walked through the mall, to the car and on the way back to my house. 

“How ‘bout some dessert?” I asked as we walked toward the kitchen.

“No thanks, I’m good. Actually...” He raised his hands as he yawned and I couldn't help but yawn as well. “I was thinking about a nap. Looks like you could use one, too.”

I was about to agree but the phone rang and took us out of the moment. He headed toward the basement while I reached for the handset. 

“Hey, mom.”

“Hey, sweetie. Where’s Zane?”

“He just went downstairs to take a nap, why?”

"I need you to get him.”

“Mom, what’s going on?”

“It’s his mother, Mel.”

“Oh no...”

I ran down the stairs and nearly ran into Zane in the hallway. “Change your mind about the nap?”

“My mom wants to talk to you,” I said and held out the phone.

“Okay...” He took the phone and I shrugged since I had no idea what was going on. “Hello?”

He listened for a minute or two then leaned back and slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. “Uh huh...okay...okay...thanks...yeah, she’s right here.”

He handed the phone to me and as I looked in his eyes I saw tears. I sat down next to him and took his hand in mine then got back to the call. “Hey,” I said. 

“Barbara’s been taken to the hospital. She passed out at work, and it was probably a stroke, maybe a heart attack, maybe both...they called me because she had my card in her pocket since I gave it to her this morning. Anyway, I’m at the hospital now and Zane should come. It’s pretty serious, Mel.”

“Okay. We’ll be there soon.”

I hung up then wrapped my arms around Zane. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered and he just held on and cried. 

“I can’t lose her,” he sobbed.

“I know, I know. Just let me know when you want to go.”

“I just need a few minutes.”

He didn’t say much on the way to the hospital, just held my hand and looked out the window. I got there as quickly as I could and we found my mom right away. She hugged us both then took Zane to meet with the doctor and see his mom. I sat down in the corner of the waiting room and pulled my knees up to my chest while I waited. 

It felt like I’d been there for hours when my mom finally came back out and she looked awful. I stood and she just shook her head which told me everything I needed to know. “Oh, mom,” I sighed and found myself in tears as we wrapped our arms around each other. “Did he make it in time to say goodbye?”

“I think so, but I’m not sure.”

We sat down and I put my head on her chest while she stroked my hair. “So what happens now?”

“Zane will have to go live with family, since he’s under 18. They’re trying to find his father, but apparently there’s an aunt somewhere, too. Do you know?” 

“No. Can’t he just stay with us?”

“If they can’t find a family member, maybe...and he can stay with us until they do find one.” I nodded and wasn’t sure what I wanted. We’d become very close in less than a day but I still didn’t know him that well. I knew enough to know that his dad was not a good option, but I didn’t know anything about this possible aunt. “Seems like the two of you are pretty close.”

“I think so.”

“It’s good he has a friend like you right now. That’s what he needs more than anything.”

“Yeah,” I sighed.

“But it’s a little more than friendship isn’t it?” I sat up and looked in her eyes as I nodded. She always knew. “Thought so. Just be careful, Mel. He’s going to be incredibly vulnerable and I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

“I know.”

“When did all of this happen?”

I blushed and smiled. “Today, and I’m not completely sure what’s happening. We like each other, obviously, but today wasn’t normal and I don’t know what it is.”

We heard the door across the room open and turned just as Zane walked through. I jumped up and walked quickly to him, meeting him halfway and wrapping my arms around him. He didn’t reciprocate my hug though, just stood there like a statue. I told myself it wasn’t about me, that he was probably in shock, but it still hurt. 

“I just can’t, Melody,” he said and pulled himself away from me. I tried not to cry, tried not to be hurt by his actions, because it was the worst day of his life and my crush or whatever it was absolutely didn’t matter. However, I was still a teenaged girl and my heart didn’t understand things as well as my head. I walked toward the hall to collect myself as he walked toward my mom. When I came back about half an hour later my mom’s arms were wrapped around him and he was shaking and sobbing. I sat down on the other side of her and resisted reaching out to touch him. 

A woman from Child Protective Services came at some point and my mom and Zane went to another room with her to figure things out. At that point I decided to head home since there wasn’t anything I could do there. I sent my mom a text to let her know I was leaving and called my dad on the way home.

“Hey, Melly Girl.”

“Hi, Daddy.” The tears came as soon as I said the words and I pulled over to avoid having an accident of some sort.

“Your mom just texted, and I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’m on my way home now. Are you going to be okay to drive?”

“Uh huh,” I sniffed. 

“I’ll have the ice cream ready.”

“Okay,” I said, the tears flowing again.

“Be careful.”

I took five minutes or so and got myself together than drove home and practically fell into my dad’s arms when he came outside. He wrapped me in his typical bear hug and kissed the top of my head as I sobbed against his chest. “I know, sweetie. I know.”

I was lying in bed when Zane and my mom got home hours later and I heard them talking with my dad but couldn’t make out all the words. I was glad he was there but had no idea how long he’d be staying and didn’t feel like I could reach out in any way. I hoped he would come upstairs, that he would say he was sorry, that our timing was just off, anything, but he never did and I fell asleep as their voices faded into the background.

I was surprised how late I slept the next day, much later than I should have for a school day, but I was pretty sure I was excused from going. The house was quiet as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I started toward the bathroom and saw an envelope at the edge of my door. I knew without opening it that it was a goodbye and for several minutes I just stared at it. When I still couldn’t open it I took a long shower, letting the water cover my tears as my skin got pruney. Finally, after I got dressed, I found the courage to open it and let the tears fall as I read his words.

Melody.

I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I’m saying this goodbye on paper instead of in person. But my aunt is coming and I have to go. Maybe it’s better that I don’t see you. I’m not sure I could say goodbye while looking in your eyes. I don’t know what happens next, but I know I’ll miss you. I had the best day with you yesterday until, well...you are an amazing girl and I wish circumstances were different, but I just can’t start something when all of this is happening. I hope you can understand that. I’ll never forget yesterday, and I’ll never forget you.

Thank you for everything.

Z

It was a year later when Zane came back into my life. I was studying in the library, getting ready for my finals, when the power went out. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me,” I lamented. I gathered my books and notebooks and headed toward the door, thankful for the natural light that was coming in. It wasn’t storming so I couldn't imagine what was going on but I headed for the exit nonetheless.

I looked up as I reached the front of the library and nearly fell over when I saw Zane standing in front of the same door we’d gone out just a year earlier. I shook my head and rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. “It’s really me,” he smiled.

“Do you kids have a ride?” I turned to see Mr. Tinsdale with his books and bag, smiling as he looked at us.

“We’re good, Mr. T.” I looked at Zane just as he winked then looked back at Mr. Tinsdale who looked like a cat who’d eaten a canary.

“What’s going on?”

“I needed to see you, and I needed it to be special, especially after the way I left.”

“You were fine, Zane.”

“It wasn’t right, Melody. You deserved, deserve, better.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was stunned he was there, and even more stunned that he’d planned something with our librarian. The last I knew he was living with his aunt several cities away, and I only knew that because he updated my mom. 

“I’ve tried to call you so many times,” he said as he walked toward me. “But it just didn’t seem right. I knew I needed to see you.”

“You could have just come to the house.”

“I wasn’t sure you’d see me, but I knew you’d be here and so...”

“And so you called Mr. Tinsdale and planned a power outage?”

“Something like that.”

He took my bag and my books and sat them on a nearby table then took my hands in his. I could hardly breathe as I looked up into his eyes. “So what now?” I asked.

“Now,” he said and started to lean in. I closed my eyes and took a breath. “Now I tell you how much I’ve missed you, that I can’t stop thinking about you, that you are literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me and how I’ll never forget anything about that day.”

“Me, too,” I breathed.

“And then...” 

“And then?”

“And then...” His lips brushed mine and I had no idea where things were going to go from there but I knew that whatever happened next we’d experience it together and in that moment, that was more than enough.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Jake, the Doughnut, and Lucas...

Time appeared to slow down as I watched Jake charge toward the unsuspecting gentleman eating donuts on the bench across the park. I tripped as I ran after him, spilling my coffee as I face-planted in the grass. I looked up just in time to see my dog lunge for the doughnut in the man’s hand. He yelled as he jumped up, releasing the doughnut and spilling whatever was in his cup. I put my head down and wished I could go back in time to find a dog that wasn’t obsessed with donuts. 

“Are you okay?”

I looked up to see the man, one hand extended to me and one holding Jake’s collar. I nodded as I pushed myself up, embarrassed. 

“I’m so sorry,” I sighed as I reached for Jake. I ignored the tingles as my hand brushed his. “He’s a doughnut junkie.”

The man laughed. “I’m sorry, a doughnut junkie? Well, that’s a new one.”

“I know.” I shook my head, smiling a bit. “It’s ridiculous, actually. I can’t even bring donuts into the house and I’m sorry to say this is not the first time he’s gone after a stranger’s. He didn’t bite you did he?”

“I’m fine, other than being a little hungry since I didn’t get to finish my breakfast.” He winked and scratched Jake’s head. “I’m Lucas, by the way.”

He put his hand out and I introduced myself as I took it. “RJ.”

“RJ? What’s that short for?”

“Rosalinda Jane,” I sighed, unsure why I told a complete stranger my full name. I rarely told people I’d known for ten years. I wasn’t embarrassed by it but I’d never loved it either. I always felt like it was an old lady’s name when I was a kid so I shortened it and RJ just stuck.

He sighed then smiled. “Why do you shorten it? It’s beautiful.”

“It, uh...” I felt embarrassed and put on the spot. “Sorry, but I need to go. I’m sorry again about Jake. I...um...” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the couple of dollars in change I’d received after buying my coffee and handed it to him. “To replace your doughnut.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“I insist,” I said as he tried to give it back. He nodded and wrapped his hand around mine instead of just taking the money.

“I’m sorry if I said something to upset you.” He was sweet, and his tone seemed genuine.

"You didn’t. It’s just...I don’t know. I don’t ever talk about it.”

“Well, if you ever decide you want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen.”

“That’s very sweet, thank you.” He was still holding my hand and I had to admit it felt nice.

“Daddy!”

Lucas released my hand and turned toward a small boy running across the lawn. I stepped back and held onto Jake but since the kid didn’t have a doughnut in his hand he had no interest. The boy jumped into Lucas’ arms and as a woman I could only assume was his mother approached, I stepped back and started to walk away. 

“RJ, wait!” I smiled then looked back to see him holding his son. “Give me just a minute.” He turned back to the woman, said a few things, then I saw her kiss both the boy and Lucas on the cheek before she walked away. I looked down and wished I’d walked a little faster to avoid whatever was about to happen. But it was too late. He was walking toward me. “Hey, sorry about that.”

“No, it’s fine.” I took a breath and wondered if I was about to get into something I shouldn’t. “Is this your son?”

His smile brightened and he looked in the boy’s eyes. “This is Gregory. Gregory, this is RJ.”

“Hi, RJ,” the little boy said and put his hand out. I gladly took it and said hello back. “Daddy, can we get breakfast? Aunt Cindy only had oatmeal.” He made a face and I couldn’t help but laugh. I also made note that the woman was not his mother. I was dying to know the story but told myself it didn’t actually matter.

“Pancakes?” At the word Jake barked and I hoped he wasn’t about to get overly excited about another breakfast food.

“I guess that doughnut didn’t fill Jake up,” Lucas laughed. “Would you like to join us for breakfast?” I wasn’t at all sure since I didn’t know him at all but I was hungry and intrigued by his story.

“Sure...as long as we go somewhere dog-friendly.”

“I know just the place.” I had already become accustomed to his smile and knew I was in trouble.

We walked through the park and toward my neighborhood, which only mildly freaked me out. I wondered if he lived nearby and if so, how I’d never seen him. To be fair, I mostly kept to myself so even if we’d been in the same place my nose was likely in a book or on my phone so I wouldn’t have seen him. When he turned toward Rosie’s I knew he had to live nearby. Very few outside of the neighborhood knew about Rosie and her amazing pancakes and waffles. And we all preferred to keep it that way.

“So do you live around here?” I finally asked.

“Just on the other side of the park. You?”

“We actually just crossed my street.”

“We’ve only lived here a month or so but I’m surprised I haven’t seen you before. I found Rosie’s the first weekend and have become a regular.”

“It’s the best,” I agreed. “I’m here two or three times a week, and I’m not ashamed to admit that.”

“If I was in town more, I’d probably be here every day.”

I had so many questions but we’d arrived and he had stepped up to the host stand to put our name in. To my surprise we were seated right away, and while he got Gregory settled into a booster seat I poured water into my portable dog bowl for Jake and got him situated under the table. “I’m just going to wash my hands,” I announced. “Can you watch Jake while I’m gone?”

“Of course,” he smiled. “Jake and I are old friends now.” He scratched Jake’s head and I swear my dog smiled.

“I’ll just be a minute.”

I reminded myself to breathe as I walked to the bathroom then took my time washing my hands and face before rejoining everyone. I couldn’t help but watch how sweet Lucas was with Gregory and how genuinely kind he was to Jake. I could see he was a good father and that made him more attractive than he already was.

I made my way back to the table just as Rosie herself walked up to take our order. “Oh, RJ!” She hugged me before I sat down. “Are you two...?” She waved her pen and pad back and forth between us as we both stumbled over awkward “We’re just friends” phrases. She just smiled and gave us a skeptical, “Uh huh,” then took our order even though it was clear she knew exactly what we both wanted.

Neither of us were sure what to say after she left and I decided to let him take the lead on breaking the silence. Gregory beat him to it, though, by announcing he had to go potty. “Okay, big guy.” He unbuckled him from the booster seat then picked him up. “We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I nodded then reached down and scratched Jake’s ears. “So what do you think, boy? He’s a good guy, right?” Jake gave a low woof, which I was pretty sure meant yes. “Yeah, I think so, too.”

The food arrived shortly after Lucas and Gregory returned and as we ate we began talking. “So you said you’re not in town much?” I figured I might as well figure that out.

“I travel for work,” he smiled. “And the woman in the park, that’s my sister. She takes care of this guy when I’m gone...”

Gregory interrupted then. “And when he plays at home, unless we go.”

“Plays? Plays what?”

“My daddy’s the goalie.” Gregory was clearly very proud of his father and it was sweet. “I get to go on Saturdays.”

“Well today’s Saturday,” I replied.

“We don’t play tonight.”

“I feel like I’m missing something important here. What is it exactly that you do that takes you out of town and has you playing at night?”

“I play hockey, for the Rangers now. I was traded in February, from Vancouver, but I was actually born and raised here so it’s like coming home.”

I swallowed the bite I’d been chewing then put down my fork and tried to focus. I loved hockey and had been following the Rangers my whole life. I knew we’d traded for a new back-up goalie recently but hadn’t yet done any research to learn more about him (or, apparently, see what he looked like), as I’d been swamped trying to get my book turned in. “You’re Lucas McKinnon?”

“Guilty.”

“Wow, okay. I feel stupid for not knowing who you were, and I should probably turn in my jersey and my tickets immediately.”

He laughed and his smile pulled me in again. “Please don’t do that. I like the idea of knowing you’ll be sitting somewhere in the Garden when I’m on the ice.”

I felt my skin warm and knew I was blushing. Thankfully, Gregory saved me. “This is boring,” he whined. “Can we go back to the park?”

We both laughed and Jake barked, and had anyone wandered by our table they would have thought we were a family.

“We’ll go after we finish eating, buddy. Come on, eat another bite of your pancake.”

I still wondered about the little boy’s mother but knew it wasn’t appropriate to ask in front of him. 

“You and Jake can come, too,” Gregory said as he took a small bite of his food. 

“Oh, I...”

“Please,” Lucas said and reached for my hand. I smiled and nodded then he gave my hand a squeeze before pulling away.

We finished eating then headed back toward the park. Jake was thrilled because he rarely, if ever, got two trips to the park in a single day. I tried to get there daily though it didn’t always happen. We walked toward the play area designed for kids Gregory’s age, and as he ran in Lucas and I sat down on a nearby bench. Jake curled up between our feet and seemed as content as he’d ever been.

“So I know I barely know you and it’s none of my business but...Gregory’s mom?” He sighed and nodded and I knew I shouldn’t have asked. “You know what? Never mind. Forget I said anything.”

“No, it’s okay. I mean it’s obviously a question I get a lot. His mom...” He smiled as he leaned toward me...”Rosalinda...died last summer...cancer.” I couldn’t believe that his wife’s name was the same as mine. It explained his interest in it earlier. “We were prepared but you know, you never really are.” He sighed again and I could see how painful it still was. It hadn’t even been a year. “Her parents died when she was young and there were no other relatives so it’s just been me and Gregory since then. Until the trade he was mostly here with my parents and my sister but now it’s better.”

I reached for his hand without thinking and gave his fingers a squeeze. “That must have been incredibly hard.”

“I had to take some time off and thankfully my mom was able to come out and help me when I came back to the team, but I just couldn’t do it on my own and play, too...when this trade come up I knew I had to take it. I need to be by family. It’s better for both of us.”

“I’m so sorry, Lucas.” I started to pull my hand from his but he held on and I smiled as I let myself enjoy the moment. 

“You’re the first person I’ve talked to about this outside of my family and my therapist. It feels good.”

“Daddy, look!” We both turned toward the play area where Gregory was at the top of the small slide, holding his hands up as he slid down. We both clapped when he reached the bottom, and Jake barked his approval.

“I hope I’m not keeping you from anything today. I sort of forced you to go to breakfast and come back to the park with us.”

“I made my own decisions,” I smiled. “And I don’t have anywhere I need to be.”

“Good, because I’m enjoying hanging out with you. I don’t have many friends outside of hockey and it’s nice.”

“It is,” I agreed, though part of me felt a little disappointed in the use of the word friends. On the other hand, his wife hadn’t even been gone a year and I had no business thinking about anything other than friendship.

We talked for a few more minutes about nothing in particular but it wasn’t long before Gregory came over and practically collapsed into Lucas. “I think this guy wore himself completely out. I should probably get him home.”

“I’m good, Daddy,” Gregory yawned as his eyes began to close. “We can stay.”

“Come on, buddy,” he said then stood and scooped his son into his arms. Jake jumped up and I stood and grabbed his collar. “Would it be okay if I called you sometime or maybe just met you for breakfast or brought Jake a doughnut?”

“Sure,” I smiled. “Well, maybe not about the doughnut.” He laughed as he tried to reach for his phone but it appeared to be stuck underneath Gregory. “Why don’t you just give me your number and I’ll send you a text so you have mine. I promise I’m not going to turn into some crazy hockey groupie or something.”

“I wasn’t worried about that. I’ve been in this league long enough to know who’s real and who isn’t.” I nodded and got my phone ready to enter his number. After he told me I sent him a quick text and he smiled when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. “It was great meeting you today.” He bent down and scratched Jake’s ears. “You too, buddy.”

After a few moments of silence I took the first step to saying goodbye, which seemed harder than it should have been. “Well, I better let you guys get home.” I couldn’t help but rub the back of Gregory’s said. “Bye, Gregory.”

“Bye,” he whispered through a yawn.

“I’ll call you soon.”

“I look forward to it.”

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Nicholas.

I’d never hated my last name so much as I did the day I was paired with Nicholas Adams for our English project, one that was worth more than half our grade. I cursed my mom for changing her name when she married my dad, wishing she was still Anna Belle West instead of Anna Belle Atkins. I also cursed Mr. Perkins for deciding to stand us up in alphabetical order and pair us off letter by letter. 

“So, any thoughts?”

I barely heard him but turned and shook my head. 

“Yeah, me either.”

I couldn’t believe that the sure-to-be-named Valedictorian didn’t have a thought. I was shocked he hadn’t already written the novella we were supposed to craft together. I hoped he didn’t expect me to be the brains of the duo. 

We’d been in school together forever but had successfully avoided each other for years. Yes, we’d had a class or two together since leaving Robinswood Elementary but we didn’t sit by each other and didn’t have any interaction other than a random look across a room or a hallway. He was popular and smart and the complete opposite of me. I had friends but we weren’t in the popular crowd. We weren’t stupid but we weren’t on the President’s High Honor Roll either. We were average and did our best to blend into the background. But now I had to engage, had to talk to him, had to figure it all out.

“You have the rest of the class to talk through ideas,” Mr. Perkins said. “Then the rest of the work has to be done elsewhere. We will continue our reading next week so don’t think you’re getting out of it.” A large group of students groaned, me included, as I had tried my best to get into reading The Three Musketeers but just couldn’t do it. I wanted to just watch the old movie with Kiefer Sutherland, but my parents informed me they weren’t the same and that it would be cheating. 

“Don’t you like the book?” Nicholas was talking to me again. I shrugged. “It’s one of my favorites. I mean it’s not as good as The Count of Monte Cristo but I love Dumas.”

I looked at him and grinned. “Of course you do.” I admit it, I was snarky for no reason at all. The fact was, I loved The Count of Monte Cristo, too - we’d read it in the prior year’s English class - but for some reason the other book wasn’t doing it for me. It just bugged me how self righteous he was and how he made me feel stupid just by existing.

“What does that mean?”

“Never mind.”

“Look, Christa, if we’re going to work together I need to understand why you’ve hated me all these years.” My eyes got wide. He knew I hated him? How could he possibly? I was honestly surprised he remembered my name. And to be fair, I didn’t actually hate him, though he wasn’t high on my list of people I liked. No, that’s not right either. I did like him. That was the problem. I always thought he was cute and nice and completely out of my league. Maybe that’s where the hate came from. I knew I could never have him so I just decided to get jealous and mad about it. Because I was 16 years old and that’s what I did.

“I don’t hate you,” I lied. 

“Really?” He grinned and raised his eyebrows. “Could’ve fooled me.”

I raised my hand and looked toward the front. “Mr. Perkins?”

“Yes, Miss Atkins?”

“Can we go to the library to, um, figure out our book thing?”

“Sure,” he said then stood and handed us a pass.

I gathered my things then turned to Nicholas. “Let’s go.”

He looked nervous, as if I might attack him once out of the room, but he grabbed his backpack and followed me to the door. Once we were in the hall I started walking faster but he stayed with me and just before we got to the doors of the library I stopped and looked at him.

“If you want to do this project with someone else I’m sure Mr. Perkins will let you.”

“Do you want to do it with someone else?”

I sighed and leaned back against the wall. “I don’t want to do it at all.”

“Why? It could be a lot of fun. I mean we can write about anything!”

He was far too excited about the project, which just served to further irritate me.

“I’m not smart enough for you. I’m going to bring you down.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Remember that play you wrote in third grade? That was amazing.”

I almost fell over. He remembered the play I wrote for our third grade talent show? How was that possible? 

“And that poem you wrote in seventh grade and read to the class? Again, amazing. Why don’t you think you’re a good writer?”

I could hardly breathe much less speak. “I...um...how do you remember all of that?”

He stepped toward me and I wished I could push myself backwards into the wall. “I remember everything, Christa. I’ve had a crush on you since we took that nap together in kindergarten.” I felt my skin blushing. “But you never seemed interested and, I don’t know, I guess at some point I stopped trying to talk to you...” He stepped a little closer and put his arm on the wall above my head. “But I never stopped being interested.”

I took a couple of deep breaths then figured out how to speak again. “We should go in and figure out this project,” I said then ducked under his arm and headed for the door.

He was messing with me, he had to be. There was no way he liked me. He was cute and smart and just about everyone liked him. He could have anyone. Why in the world would he have any interest in me? It was ridiculous, and as I headed for one of the study rooms in the library I told myself I hadn’t understood him correctly, that he was clearly talking about something else.

He stepped in a minute later and for several moments we just stood in opposite corners staring at each other. “Sorry if I freaked you out.”

“Okay.”

“So can we talk about it?”

“Sure. I guess maybe we could write some sort of mystery.”

“That’s not what I meant.” I looked down and my feet and nodded.

“I know.”

He moved toward me then leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. “Come on, sit.”

Instead of sitting across from him, where I’d have to look him in the eye, I sat down against the same wall about a foot away.

“So why do you hate me, Christa? If I hurt you in some way I’m sorry.”

“I don’t hate you,” I whispered, not meeting his eyes. “I mean I don’t have any reason to anyway. I guess I...I mean I...I liked you, too, but I’m not, well, I thought I wasn’t...” I couldn’t form a sentence and it frustrated me to the point of sighing heavily. “I mean why would you ever like me?”

“Seriously? Christa, my god, you’re amazing. You write, you paint, you take care of your little sisters and you are absolutely gorgeous.” I felt the blush as he inched closer to me. “And you’re not like everyone else. You have your own style, your own way of working through life, and I love that. Some of us have our whole lives planned out for us and it’s exhausting trying to live up to it but you...you do your own thing, and it’s beautiful.”

“It sort of feels like you’ve been stalking me,” I teased as I turned and smiled.

“Not stalking so much as just paying really close attention. And asking a lot of questions.”

“Why didn’t you just say something?”

“Would you have listened?”

I let a small laugh escaped my lips. “Fair point, but why now?”

“Why not now?” When I didn’t say anything he continued. “Honestly, this is the first time I’ve had any alone time with you since...well, since that nap probably, and I figured it was now or never.”

“But you could be with anyone.”

“I don’t know about that, but I don’t want to just be with anyone. I’d like to be with you.”

I smiled as I sighed, the realization that he wasn’t kidding setting in. He liked me, and he liked who I was. He wanted to be with me. 

“So...” He said, drawing out the word since I hadn’t responded to his declaration.

“So maybe,” I smiled and reached for his hand. “Maybe we should write about us.”

He grinned as he looked down and slipped his fingers through mine. “Now that is an excellent idea.” 

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

After the park.

I’d gone to the park to process the news that my parents were getting a divorce and couldn’t even muster enough energy to pump my legs to swing, which is why I was just sitting there when Garrett Whitman stepped behind me. Garrett, who I’d known since the 3rd grade, who was always the popular boy but who always lived on the other side of the park and was my friend when no one else was around. it was fine in grade school because it was like our little secret, and it was okay for the first year or so of junior high, but once we were in high school I didn’t see him much and our secret friendship started to fade away. That day at the park was the first time he’d talked to me in months.

“Need a push?”

“I’m okay.” I recognized his voice and didn't even look as he sat down on the swing next to me.

“Not to be a jerk or anything but you don’t look okay.”

I’d been crying and figured my face looked red and puffy. I turned and looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “Bad day.”

“I hear swinging helps,” he smiled but I still didn’t feel like moving and after he went back and forth a few times he stopped then got off the swing and knelt down in front of me. “Hey, what’s going on?”

I wanted to avoid crying in front of him but there was something in his eyes, in the sweet way he seemed to actually care, and I broke down as I shrugged my shoulders. 

“Hey, hey,” he soothed and pulled me up and into his arms.

I suppose I should have seen it coming what with all the yelling and door slamming that had been going on the last year or more, but they always seemed happy in front of me so I just figured they’d kissed and made up. I was also busy with school and my part-time job tutoring kids at the community center, so I probably wasn’t paying as much attention as I thought I was. Now that I think about it, I was in my own little world when they came to talk to me that morning.

“Krista, we need a minute,” my mom said from the door of my room.

“’kay. Let me finish this chapter,” I answered without even looking up.

“Now, sweetheart.” I looked up, surprised to find my dad standing there, too.

I saved my place and put my Kindle down then crossed my legs and stared at them from my bed. “You guys are acting weird. What’s going on?”

My mom sighed and they walked into my room. My mom sat down in my desk chair and my dad sat next to me on my bed. And then she told me, as if she were telling me where we were having dinner. I was so stunned that I didn’t even say anything, just nodded and walked out of my room, grabbing my phone and keys. A few minutes later I was sobbing on my way to the park and well, you know the rest.

I appreciated that Garrett didn’t ask any more questions, that he just let me fall apart without any explanation. When I felt like I could contain the bulk of my tears, which felt like about 20 minutes later, I pulled back and wiped my eyes.

“Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

I smiled and shook my head. “I’ll be okay.”

For a few moments I just stared at him then broke my gaze when a voice rang out across the park. “Garrett! Honey, we have to go!”

“Oh, god, my mom,” he sighed. “I was hoping she wouldn’t find me over here.”

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine.”

“We have to go to dinner with these friends of my dad’s and they’re awful. They’re always trying to set me up with their daughter and well...no.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m so glad my misery is cheering you up.”

“Sorry,” I smiled.

“Well, you’re not, but that’s okay. I’m glad I got you to smile.”

“Me, too.”

“Garrett!” His mom was walking quickly toward us now and we both turned toward her. “Didn’t you hear me?” She was out of breath and I felt like an intruder to their conversation.

“Mom, you remember Krista...from Mrs. Kennedy’s class?” I’d forgotten his mom was a frequent room mother during our 5th grade year.

“Oh, Krista, hello.” She looked at me, then at Garrett, then back at me. “Are you okay, dear? Did my son cause those red puffy eyes?”

“No, ma’am. He’s actually been a really good friend.” I looked at him and smiled then saw a faint blush cross his cheeks. “But I better go and let you get to your dinner.”

“Oh it’s okay, sweetie. Actually...” She stopped talking and looked up at the sky for a moment. “Garrett doesn’t need to go. Why don’t the two of you get a pizza or something?”

“Really, mom?” Garrett’s eyes lit up.

She leaned in and kissed his cheek. “You kids have fun.”

“Thank you,” we said together then watched her jog back across the park and get into a car. 

“So...” Garrett slipped his hands into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels. “Pizza? I mean I definitely owe you for getting me out of that dinner.” 

“You really don’t have to...”

“Bored of me already?” He grinned and I felt my cheeks warm.

“It’s not that...it’s just...”

“It’s just pizza.”

I sent a quick text to each of my parents and let them know I was having dinner with a friend and would be back later. My dad replied back with a short OK, as Garrett and I walked toward his house.

“So I know you probably don’t wanna talk about it but if you do...”

I sighed. “It’s my parents...”

“Ah.” He opened his front door and I followed him inside. “Divorce?” I nodded as he closed the door. I tried to stop the tears from filling my eyes but a tear slipped down my cheek and before I could wipe it away Garrett put his hand on my cheek and did it himself. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” I breathed then sat down at the bottom of the stairs. “I just can’t believe it.”

He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. “I can’t even imagine...”

“I couldn’t either until a few hours ago.” I leaned forward and rested my head on my hands. Garrett put his hand to my back then started moving it in slow circles, a simple but powerful gesture that meant more than he probably knew. After a couple of quiet minutes I turned to him and smiled. “Thank you.”

“What are friends for?”

“Is that what we are now? Friends?”

“We’ve always been friends, Krista. I realize I haven’t exactly held up my end of that for a while but I never thought you weren’t my friend.” After rubbing my back for another minute or two he stood and held his hand out to me.

“Look, I know pizza won't solve it but you’ve gotta eat, right?”

“Sure,” I smiled then took his hand and stood in front of him.

After we’d eaten all the pizza we could, which was probably more than I should have eaten, I felt like we were friends again, the kind that didn’t have to hide. He listened to me talk through the situation with my parents and he didn’t offer advice, just listened. He told me about his struggles with planning for college and how he wanted to study art and writing but that his dad wanted him to be an athlete. He’d played sports as long as I could remember and was quite good at several of them. He’d been offered a few scholarships but hadn’t made any commitments yet because he wasn’t sure he wanted to play at the next level. 

We talked about school and TV shows and movies and I probably could have stayed and talked until the next morning but my dad messaged, worried that I hadn’t come home yet. When I looked at the time I realized it was after 11 and told him I’d be home soon.

“I guess I better get going,” I said as I pushed myself up from the comfy corner of the couch I’d been tucked into. 

“I’ll walk you,” he said, pushing himself up from the other corner.

“It’s okay; it’s not that far.”

“I’d feel better.”

“Okay, but then I’m driving you back home.”

“That’s definitely not necessary.”

“I’d feel better,” I teased and he rolled his eyes as he shook his head.

A few minutes later we were back in the park and somewhere around the swings he reached for my hand. “Is this okay?” I smiled and nodded though inside I was more than a little bit terrified. “Despite the circumstances,” he said. “I had a good time today.”

“Me, too.” I agreed and turned my head and smiled. “I can’t thank you enough for rescuing me.”

“I’m not sure you needed rescuing. You’re stronger than you realize.”

I smiled again then leaned against his shoulder. “Thanks.”

I could see my dad sitting in the living room when we walked up and knew I should let him know I was home but needed to take Garrett back, too. He offered to wait outside but I told him it was fine to come in and after quick introductions we walked through the kitchen and into the garage. 

It took less than five minutes for us to get from my house to his and I wished I’d taken some sort of detour so we could keep talking. “Thanks again, Garrett, for everything.”

“Anytime,” he smiled as he reached for my hand. 

I thought he might lean in and kiss my cheek, and it appeared he was thinking about it, too, but in the end he squeezed my hand, said goodnight, and headed toward his house. He had his hand on the door when he turned and moved quickly back to the car. He came around to my side and I smiled as I rolled the window down. “Forget something?”

“Yes,” he smiled then leaned in and brushed his lips across my cheek. I felt the blush warming my skin as he pulled back and couldn’t help but smile. “Also, I wanted to give you my number so you can text or call anytime you just need to talk or swing or whatever.”

I reached for my phone, put in his number as he recited it, then sent him a quick text so he’d have my number, too. “Thanks for coming back.”

He smiled and I caught a glimpse of the blush on his cheeks again. “Let me know when you get home.” I nodded then watched him walk back to the door again, waved when he did, then drove away after I was sure he was inside.

We talked a lot over the weeks that followed, sometimes in person and sometimes through text, and I felt like we were more than friends though we hadn’t gone on a date or seen each other much other than in school and right after. Still, there was something there, something I felt growing even as the family around me fell apart. I often wondered if I was reading more into it than I should, that I was using him to help me forget about my parents, which I suppose I was at some level. I was analyzing our conversations over lunch one day when he slid onto the bench across from me.

“Penny for your thoughts.” 

I looked up and smiled, happy to see him but surprised as well since he didn’t have the same lunch period I did.

“What are you doing here?”

“The power went out in the modular buildings so they sent us all inside early.” I nodded. “Is everything okay? You seemed miles away when I sat down.”

“Just thinking, I guess, about everything that’s been going on. “ It was his turn to nod. I smiled and put my hand on his, very aware that others could probably see. “I’m happy to see you though.”

He smiled and turned his hand so it was holding mine. “Me, too.” For a minute or two we just stared and smiled at each other, tuning out the world around us. “Would you like to do something this weekend? Like a movie or dinner or something?”

I felt my skin get warm. “Like a date?”

I smiled as a blush appeared on his cheeks. “I guess so, yeah. Is that okay?”

I nodded and squeezed his hand. “It’s more than okay, and I’d love to.”

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

When Justin came home.

I watched Justin Kershaw’s breakdown on national TV with millions of other viewers and could hardly believe he was the same guy who’d escorted me to our senior prom almost 20 years earlier. When we were 18 he was filled with confidence but sitting on the talk show couch he just looked broken. 

He went straight to Hollywood after we graduated, certain he’d break into the entertainment business on his good looks and charm, and a pretty decent chunk of talent. When it didn’t happen right away he went overseas and cut off all contact with the world he grew up in. About ten years later he showed up in a small independent film and Hollywood started to take notice. 

When he sat down on Gina Cole’s couch that Tuesday morning, he’d won two Oscars, four Golden Globes and was nominated for a Tony. There’d been the typical tabloid talk about his love life but nothing that seemed that scandalous. There was nothing wrong in his life as far as the world could tell, but when Gina asked about some photos that had surfaced of him with another actor’s wife he lost it, completely broke down and admitted not only to that affair but to several others. 

In the days that followed it was reported that he’d checked into rehab for everything from drug addiction to sex addition to anxiety. The truth, however, was that he’d shown up on my doorstep two days after the interview looking for a friend.

It had been a long day at work and all I wanted to do was get home, eat a little dinner, then crawl into a hot bath before collapsing into bed. I couldn’t imagine that I’d step out of my car to find Justin sitting in the corner of my porch, hiding from the world and looking as small as I’d ever seen him look.

“Wendy.” I jumped when he said my name then spun around so quickly I almost fell over. It took me a second or two to realize who was there and when the recognition kicked in I stopped breathing for a moment.

“Justin?”

“Hey,” he smiled as he stood and stepped toward me.

“What are you doing here?”

“I just needed to see a friendly face and escape the media’s eyes for a few days.”

“And you thought my porch was the best place to do that?”

“I know it’s been a long time, Wendy, and I wouldn’t blame you if you tossed me onto the lawn, but I could really use a friend...a real one.”

He was shaking with tears in his eyes, and I nodded then opened my door and invited him to follow me in. As soon as I closed the door he leaned against it then slid to the floor and began to sob. I dropped my bags on the floor, sat down next to him and pulled him into my arms.

“Shh,” I soothed, as I rubbed his back. “It’ll be okay. I’m here.”

We stayed like that for almost an hour then I convinced him to come into the kitchen with me where I proceeded to make us waffles for dinner. As we ate - and to be fair, I ate, he nibbled - he began to unfold his story.

The first affair happened in Italy with the wife of the manager of the flat he’d been renting while filming and lasted only a few weeks. The next one had been in London with an actress who wasn’t married but was definitely involved with someone else, and somehow it had gone unnoticed despite her fame. There had been four others before the one that had just gone public and I was stunned as I listened to him tell his story. I tried not to judge but it was hard not to.

“I knew it was wrong,” he said, several times. “They were unhappy in their relationships and I was able to make them smile, to give them something they’d been missing. And it didn’t hurt my ego that they all wanted me.”

“Justin...I don’t even know what to say.”

“You can tell me you can’t believe it, that you’re disgusted with my behavior, that you never want to see me again...all those things you told me before I left all those years ago. I think that was the last time someone was truly honest with me.”

Before he’d gone off to Hollywood I learned that he’d been with another girl the night of prom, hooking up with her after he’d dropped me off and kissed me goodnight, and even though we weren’t exactly dating I certainly thought there was more there than just friendship. It made me feel as small as I’d ever felt and after she bragged about it loudly to her friends I confronted him and told him I thought I meant more to him than that, that he disgusted me, and so on. He left town a few weeks later and until he’d shown up on my porch I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since.

“That was a long time ago, Justin. It’s forgotten.”

He smiled and reached for my hand then gave it a squeeze. “I know that’s not true, but thank you.”

“I have to wonder though...why come here? I mean why not your parents or your brother or someone you’ve actually stayed in touch with?”

“I guess I didn’t want to be found.”

“And you don’t think TMZ or one of those other awful internet sites is going to dig up your high school prom date?” I teased him in the hopes it would make him smile. “I mean I’m kind of a big deal in town considering I’m the high school principal and all.”

“That’s right,” he smiled. “My mom told me. I always knew you’d do great things. Those kids are lucky to have you.”

“Thanks.”

We stared at each other for a few seconds, our hands still connected and my mind and heart trying to figure out exactly was going on, but after a few seconds I snapped back to reality. I pulled my hand away then stood and reached for our plates to begin cleaning up.

“I can do that,” he said, standing and reaching for the plates. “I mean it’s the very least I can do after I just showed up here out of the blue.”

I nodded and let him take the dishes. “I’ll just get the guest room made up. Do you have a suitcase or anything?”

“There are a couple of bags in my car, which I parked in back. I’ll get them after the sun goes down.”

“I’ll get them, and I’ll put your car in the garage,” I said then held out my hand. “Keys?”

When I came back in, carrying the two bags I found in his car, he had finished washing the dishes and was wiping down the table. I put his keys on the counter then turned toward the guest room. “I’ll put some clean sheets on the bed.”

“I can do that, Wendy.” He reached for the bag in my hand then I moved the other from my shoulder and he slipped his hand under mine to grab it. “You’re doing me a big enough favor by letting me crash here.”

“It’s fine, Justin. Come on.”

He followed me down the hall to the room that used to belong to my brother when we were growing up and the house was still owned by my parents. They’d retired to Southern California several years earlier and I decided to buy the house and make it my own.

“I can’t believe this is the same house,” he said as we walked. He’d been there several times in high school, not just to see me, but also to hang out with my brother.

“I’ve redone a lot but the basics are the same.” I stopped in front of the room and he stepped inside and looked around.

“Was this Mike’s room?”

“Good memory,” I smiled.

He sat his bags down on the floor then sat down on the padded bench at the end of the bed. “Thank you,” he said and I nodded as he looked up at me. I was about to say something when his phone rang. “It’s my agent. I should probably answer.”

“Of course. I’ll give you some privacy, and I’ll put some clean towels outside the door.”

“Thanks again, Wendy. You have no idea how much this means to me.” I nodded then pulled the door closed and took a deep breath as I wondered what I’d gotten myself into.

I could hardly focus at work the next day thinking about him sitting in my house, hiding from the world. He was asleep when I headed out so I left him a note and told him to make himself at home. We hadn’t talked much after his agent called, just a quick goodnight, and I’d tossed and turned most of the night wondering how it was that my old prom date and wandered back into my life.

“Wendy...Wendy!” I snapped myself back to reality as two of my teachers stood smiling in front of me. 

“Hi, sorry...what’s up?”

Ellie pushed the door shut as Rita sat down then Ellie took the other chair and they both stared at me.

“What?”

Rita spoke first. “What do you mean what? We’ve been standing here for a full minute and you’ve been somewhere off in space.” Before I’d become principal the three of us hung out quite a bit and were the last remaining single teachers in the school. We still did brunch once a month and they knew me better than anyone. “Come on, spill. Who is he?”

“What? He? No, there’s no one.” I fumbled over my words and did a horrible job of diverting their questions.

“You’re blushing,” Ellie grinned.

“It’s nothing,” I said, unable to stop smiling as my cheeks got warmer. My cell begin to vibrate on the desk and I reached for it as the two of them looked at who was calling.

“Private number? Come on, Wendy, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I lied as I sent the call to voice mail. I was sure it was Justin, and figured I’d call him back when they left.

“Well, we’ll just go,” Ellie said as she stood, “So you can call Mr. Nothing back.”

“But don’t think you’re getting out of telling us what’s going on,” Rita added. “We do have brunch plans this weekend.”

“Oh, right. I probably need to cancel.”

“Because of nothing?”

My phone rang again and they both smiled and shook their heads. I grinned and shook my head. “Go away, both of you. And close the door please.”

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Justin. Is it a bad time?”

“It’s fine. Everything okay? I mean other than the obvious?”

“How do you feel about spaghetti?”

“I feel good about it?”

“Are you sure?”

“What’s this about?”

“I thought I’d make you dinner as a thank you for letting me stay. I mean I can’t exactly go out...”

“That’s really not necessary, Justin. I’m happy to cook.”

“I’m sure you are, but I’d like to do this, and you seem to have all the ingredients so I can have it on the table when you get home.”

“Well, that sounds lovely. I’ll grab some dessert on my way home. If I recall, you’re rather fond of cheesecake.”

“From Grimelli’s?”

“Is there any other kind?”

“Maybe we should skip the spaghetti and go right to dessert.”

“No way. You’ve promised me spaghetti and now I must have it.”

“Fine, fine. What time should I plan for?”

“Hmmm...six? Maybe a little later?”

“Sixish it is!”

“Thanks, Justin. I’ll see you soon.”

I hadn’t planned to fall for Justin, especially in light of the reason he was hiding out in my house, but as the days and nights passed he became more and more appealing. 

He cooked for me nearly every night for almost two weeks and after we ate we sat and talked or, at times, didn’t talk. There were times I’d work on things for school and he’d sit and read but we were never far apart and I felt myself growing closer than I’d ever imagined. I knew it was crazy, knew there was far too much baggage, but try as I might, I couldn’t help how I felt.

“I’m going stir crazy!” I looked up from my crossword puzzle on the third Saturday morning he’d been there and smiled as I’d been wondering how long it would take for him to need to escape. He’d told his agent where he was and had talked to his family, but had kept a very low profile for almost three weeks. I honestly couldn’t believe it had taken him that long to get to the stir crazy point. “Why are you smiling? I’m like a prisoner here!”

“Last time I checked you weren’t shackled to a wall.”

“You know what I mean,” he sighed as he flopped down next to me on the couch. “Let’s go somewhere.”

“We can go anywhere you’d like, but you will be recognized, and there will be questions, and...”

“I don’t even care! I need to see the outside world.”

“So what do you want to do then?”

Our conversation was cut short when my phone rang and alerted me that a student was on top of the school threatening to jump. Justin, seeing my face and hearing my answers to questions, reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Is everything okay?”

“I have to go,” I said as I got up. He jumped up, too, still holding my hand. “Sorry, but we’ll have to do this later.”

“Wendy.” His voice was calm but firm as he reached for my other hand. “What can I do?”

Five minutes later we were in my car, with him at the wheel, driving to the high school where a small crowd had gathered. Mickey Waller was on the roof, pacing back and forth, and as we approached I could see that a police officer was up there, too. I knew Mickey’s parents had divorced recently and that his grades had been suffering. He’d been going to counseling but he was struggling. I just never imagined he’d go to the extreme of threatening suicide.

I jumped out of the car and Justin followed closely, aware that there were people and cameras, but all he seemed to be focused on was me. All I was focused on was getting to the roof and talking Mickey down. I took several deep breaths before ascending the stairs to the roof and just before I took the first step Justin reached for my hand.

“You’ll be fine,” he smiled. “Look what you’ve done for me?” He ran his thumb along the outside of my hand and I smiled then gave his hand a squeeze before stepping up. “I’ll be right here.” I nodded then turned and walked up the narrow staircase to the roof.

It was two hours before I convinced Mickey to come down and when I did his parents were both waiting, as was his sister and the family counselor they’d all been seeing. I was exhausted but thankful that he was going to be okay, at least for that day. After I’d done everything I needed to do for the police I turned toward Justin who’d been patiently waiting on a bench outside my office. I sat down next to him then leaned against him as he slipped his arm around my shoulder. That’s when the emotions started to spill out, and as I sobbed he wrapped his other arm around me and pulled me close. After 20 minutes or so I sat back up and looked in his eyes for several moments. He smiled sweetly and I couldn’t help but lean in and place a soft kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you,” I whispered then tucked myself back against his chest and for another few minutes he just held me.

We went back to my house, abandoning the idea of doing anything else, and as I took a long shower he put together a plate of meats and cheeses and fruit and was just pouring the wine when I walked into the living room. There was quiet music playing and candles lit and I fell a little harder as my eyes caught his.

“Justin,” I sighed. “You didn’t have to do all this.”

“I wanted to.” He smiled and handed me a glass then took my hand and led me to the couch. “Just relax and let me take care of you.”

I fell asleep in his arms after a few sips of wine and when I woke an hour or so later I knew I wanted him to stay forever. I knew it wasn’t as simple as I was making it but I didn’t care. I’d fallen hard and couldn’t imagine him not being there.

“What are you thinking about?” 

I thought about playing coy, about saying the always popular, “Nothing,” but I knew what I wanted and decided that life was too short not to be honest about it. I looked into his eyes and smiled. “I’m thinking about you staying forever.”

He smiled and brushed some hair from my face then let his hand linger on my cheek. “I’m thinking about that, too.” I felt my skin getting warmer as he started to lean in. “I forgot what this felt like.” I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant and tilted my head a bit. “This...falling in love...I forgot how amazing it felt.”

“Me, too,” I echoed even though I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt anything like what I was feeling at the moment. 

“I’m gonna kiss you now.” He grinned as he leaned further in.

“Good,” I breathed then closed my eyes as his lips touched mine.

I didn’t know where things would go from there, didn’t know if it was just the emotion of the day talking, but I knew I’d never felt anything like I felt when he kissed me and I knew I didn’t want that feeling to end.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

The crush.

The anticipation as she circled the airport was greater than any Cali had felt in a long time. She hadn’t seen Matt in two years and while she knew he was engaged to someone else and seemingly happy - something she was pretty sure she was also happy about - she still harbored a crush deep down in her soul. She knew it was silly - it had always been silly - but she couldn’t help it. He was cute and sweet, gave the best hugs in the world, and had been in her life as long as she could remember. 

He’d agreed to participate in the charity event she’d planned, one in which chefs from all over the country were cooking for people who paid $1500 a plate to eat their food. The winners at the end of the day were the single parents and their families, the men and women who’d come out of abusive relationships and were working to get their lives back on track. The organization was started by her sister after she got out of an abusive marriage. Unlike most of the men and women Brand New Day supported, Becky came out of her marriage with the money and was therefore able to help others. Still, money didn’t grow on trees and when she said she needed to do some sort of fundraiser she called the best event planner she knew.

“You’re sure you have time for this, Cali?”

“I’m positive, Becks. Don’t even worry about it.”

“I mean I can pay you.”

“Not necessary. This is my pleasure, my way of giving back.”

And so Cali started planning. Matt was the first person she thought about. They’d known each other since they were kids but reconnected a few years back when they ran into each other, ironically, at another charity event. He was a kid in her class for years but she wouldn’t have said they were friends growing up. Sure, they knew each other, it was a small town, but they didn’t run in the same circles and after they graduated she didn’t think twice about him. But then he showed up on one of those cooking challenge shows, and then another, and before long he was everywhere, cooking, charming everyone around him, and becoming one of the most famous chefs in the country. 

When she saw his name on an event her then-boyfriend was dragging her to, she was actually excited about seeing him. She doubted he’d remember her but as she approached him she saw the look of recognition in his eyes.

“Calilily?”

“It’s just Cali now,” she smiled. “I can’t believe you recognized me.”

“I could never forget such a pretty face.” He was nothing if not charming as he leaned in and kissed her cheek. And he was nothing if not flirtatious as he whispered in her ear. “And it will forever be Calilily.”

Her full name was California Lillian Bloom, because she’d been conceived in California, her grandmother’s name was Lillian, and well, her father’s last name was Bloom. Her parents called her Cali from the beginning and even though she knew it wasn’t her full name, she knew that’s what she wanted to be called, but when it turned out there was another Cali in her first grade school, someone who came before her in the alphabet, she decided to go with a combination of her first two names, Calilily, and from that first day on that’s what her classmates called her.

They met for a drink after the event was over then started texting and emailing, talking every now and then, and it was as if they’d been friends forever. They didn’t see each other that often since they lived on opposite coasts, but they both made an effort to connect when their paths happened to cross. Despite his fame he always seemed like the kid she knew growing up, sweet, unassuming and cute. When the idea of the charity event came to her, she couldn’t wait to call him. She barely got through her pitch when he gave her a resounding yes.

Once the great Matt Boxer was confirmed for the event, it was easy to get others, as they knew if he was involved they couldn’t say no. All the chefs donated their time, food suppliers donated the ingredients, and the hotel where the dinner was being held donated pretty much everything else. Each chef was given a table of people to cook for and had personally designed the menu they wanted to serve based on the input of those who’d purchased a seat at the table. It was months of planning to get it all together but the event was finally upon her and while she sent limos to pick up the other celebrity chefs she knew Matt was a pickup she’d make personally.

Her breath hitched when she caught sight of him and she pulled her car to the curb, turned off the engine and got out. He smiled as he started walking faster then dropped his bags and pulled her into his arms. “Calilily,” he breathed. “It’s been way too long.”

“I missed you,” she replied as she buried her head against his shoulder.

“Me, too.”

They held onto each other a little too long, both pulling away slowly as they realized it. “Well, shall we?” He nodded, put his arm around her shoulder, then kissed her temple before getting into the car. She tried to tone down her giddiness, as well as her blush, before she slipped into the driver’s seat.

“So how are you?” He smiled as she pulled away from the curb. “Tell me everything that’s been going on.”

“You follow me on every social media app in existence; you know how I am.”

“I know you eat a lot of pizza, go to a lot of movies and have been traveling for work. That just tells me what you’ve been doing. How are you?”

She was actually surprised he paid that much attention and turned and smiled. “I’m good, too busy like most people, and tired a lot of the time, but overall I’m good.” Before he could dig any deeper she turned the question around. “And what about you? Busy planning a wedding? Congratulations, by the way.”

“You texted me that when it all happened.” 

“I know, but it’s always better to say it in person. So when’s the big day anyway?”

“Mmm...not sure.” He turned toward the window and she could tell something was up.

“Matty?” She put her hand on the top of his arm and when he turned he smiled but it was sad and his eyes had glazed over. She took the next exit off the freeway then pulled into a coffee shop parking lot and turned off the engine. “Tell me.”

“I mean we didn’t really know each other that well I guess, and every time I wanted to set a date she just laughed and said we had plenty of time, that there was no rush. I’d always thought the wedding was what every girl wanted, but it turned out, she just wanted my fame and once she was connected to people in my circle, she started to pull away.”

“Matty, I’m so sorry.” She reached for his hand and gave it a good squeeze. He smiled as he squeezed her hand back then sighed.

“So, she’s getting her own TV show where she reviews restaurants, which will probably be a huge success.”

“And the engagement?” He shook his head and squeezed my hand a little harder.

“Are you going to be okay to do this tomorrow?”

“Are you kidding? Cooking is the only thing that keeps me sane. And you know I’d do anything for you.”

“Well Becky and I certainly appreciate you taking time to participate in this event.”

“How is Becky?”

She gave him a quick synopsis of her sister’s life, about the charity, and about the man she was thinking about falling in love with. After everything that happened with her first husband she was very cautious, but Cali was pretty sure she and Kyle were getting very serious. Kyle had already talked to her about it but knew he had to give Becky the time she needed.

“Good for her,” Matt smiled. “She deserves that kind of happiness.”

“So do you,” Cali smiled and covered their still-joined hands with her other.

He completed the picture by putting his hand over hers. “And so do you.”

“You know I don’t have time for all of that,” she said, blushing as she pulled her hands away, leaving his alone on the table. 

“I know you don’t make time for that; there’s a difference.”

As usual when the conversation turned to her love life, Cali changed the subject. “We should probably get going.”

Usually Matt just shook his head and let it go but when they were back in the car he went right back to it.

“So why don’t you make the time?”

For a second she wasn’t sure what he was referring to. “What?”

“Relationships, dating, falling in love...why don’t you make the time?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I’m fine on my own and you know I’m too selfish to really let anyone else in like that. And really, I don’t have time.” She was extremely thankful when she reached the driveway of the hotel a few moments later so she could change the topic of conversation. “Well, here we are. I’m sure you want to get settled in, get some rest, all of that...”

She stopped the car and started to get out but he reached for her hand. “Hey, you know I just want you to be happy, right?”

“I am happy, Matty.”

“If that’s true then I’ll drop it.”

“It’s true,” she smiled as she covered his hand with her own. “I promise.” 

And she believed it. She was mostly happy. But that didn’t mean she never thought about what it would be like to have someone fall in love with her. It didn’t mean she didn’t daydream about falling asleep in someone’s arms and having someone by her side for better or worse. She loved her job, loved planning events for people all over the city and elsewhere, loved being able to put together charity events like the one for her sister, and loved meeting people from all walks of life. Sure, she wondered sometimes why no one ever showed interest, never asked her out for coffee, and when she’d mentioned it to Becky once her sister had said something about her not making herself seem available or that she needed anyone else.

“Well I don’t need anyone else,” she’d countered.

"You know what I mean.”

“Clearly I don’t.”

“I mean you do everything you want, when you want, and you seem like you can handle anything without someone else’s help.”

“Because I can.”

“I know that, but some people are intimidated by it. Some people are intimidated by you. I mean I would be if you weren’t my baby sister.”

“So I should be something I’m not? Pretend to be needy or something?”

“I’m not saying that, Cali. I’m just saying that you don’t always have to be the one that knows everything. You don’t always have to be the planner. You don’t always have to be so strong.”

She’d walked out of her sister’s house that day, angry and frustrated, wishing she’d never brought it up. She drove away from the hotel after saying a quick goodbye to Matt in the same sort of state, though she was more frustrated than angry, more confused than anything else. She was happy, wasn’t she? Did she really give off some sort of vibe that she didn’t need anyone? I mean she didn’t, and what was wrong with that? She had friends, good friends, and they all seemed to like that she always planned things, always got them into events, and that sort of thing. Was she honestly supposed to pretend that’s not who she was?

“So stupid,” she said out loud as she drove around town, not completely sure where she was headed. 

She ended up at her favorite shopping area and power walked her way through store after store until she’d spent far too much money on things she absolutely didn’t need. She picked up food from her favorite Thai place on the way home then sat in the middle of her living room and stared at the containers but didn’t eat anything, unable to get the words of her sister or Matt out of her head. 

“You don’t make time...You don’t always have to be the one who knows everything...I just want you to be happy...”

After another hour or so of just staring at the food and not eating it, she put it in the fridge and took her self to bed. She tried to sleep that night, needed sleep in preparation for the event the next day, but it was futile effort and she spent most of the night cleaning her kitchen then turned to her closets. By the time the sun started to rise she had eight bags of clothes to give away, three garbage bags of trash, and zero sleep.

She took the trash out and put the clothes bags in the back of her car, then took a long shower and tried to refocus on the day, forgetting all the words and all the confusion and remembering that she was great at her job and had a huge event to handle.

After dropping off the bags at Goodwill she made her way to the hotel to begin preparations for the day. Her staff was already there and were actually surprised they beat her. “You look exhausted,” her assistant Liz noted as she strolled in. “Hangover?”

“Something like that,” Cali muttered. “How’s everything looking so far?”

“We’re in great shape. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she stated, though she was anything but. “Have all the chefs checked in?”

“All but Sherilyn Jones, but we knew she’d be late due to that other event she had.”

“Right, right,” she said, sort of to Liz, and sort of to no one as she looked around the room. 

“Matt Boxer and Yin Lee have already started their prep since they have to marinate and chill things early, and everyone else should show up around four o’clock to get ready.”

“Matt’s here?”

Liz looked at her with a confused face. “Yes,” she said, drawing the word out. “Are you sure you’re all right? I mean if you need to rest we’ve got this under control. You don’t always have to do everything, you know.”

“What?”

“That’s why you have a staff,” she smiled. “We really can handle this. Why don’t you go home and get some rest?”

It was like everyone was against her and in her sleep-deprived state she couldn’t quite process things. She actually started to feel a little dizzy and realized she hadn’t eaten for nearly 24 hours.

“Calilily?”

At the sound of Matt’s voice she turned quickly and felt herself start to pass out. Matt was fast on his feet and caught her before she hit the floor.

“Should I call 9-1-1?” Liz asked, suddenly frantic.

“Yes,” Matt said as he lay his friend on the floor, her head in his lap. “And can you get me a cold cloth and some water?”

“Of course,” she said and started barking orders to other members of Cali’s staff.

Cali came to just as the paramedics were getting her vitals. She saw Matt’s eyes looking down on her with worry and felt his hand stroking her hair. “What happened?”

“You passed out, and they’re here to make sure you’re okay.” He gestured to the paramedics and as she glanced to each of them they nodded and continued their work. 

“We should take you in for more tests,” one of the paramedics said but Cali shook them off and said she was just tired, that she’d be fine. Once she promised to call her doctor the next day, and once Matt and Liz said they’d make sure it happened, the paramedics left. 

“I’m going to take you home,” Matt said, as she started to sit up.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine. I just need to eat something.” When she started to stand she became dizzy again and Matt held onto her.

“You’re not fine,” he said as he helped her slowly to her feet and into a nearby chair. “And if you won’t go home then I’m at least going to make you sit down so I can feed you.” She sipped the water Liz sat in front of her and nodded, realizing she was defeated. “Make sure she stays here,” Matt said to Liz, who agreed as he turned toward the kitchen area.

“I’m really fine, and you don’t have to watch me.”

“Apparently I do,” she smiled and sat down. “And since we have a few minutes, why don’t you tell me how long it is that you’ve been in love with Matt Boxer?”

She almost spit out the water she’d just sipped. “What?!”

“Or how long he’s been in love with you?”

“You are delusional. Neither of those things are true.” She sipped more water hoping to avoid further discussion on the subject.

“They’re both true, and my guess is you’re both in denial.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Am I?” She was pretty proud of herself for the revelation. She knew Cali and Matt were friends but until she saw them together she had no idea how close they really were. “I have a good sense about these things,” she continued. “And you’re both single, so what’s the big deal? Don’t they say it’s always better to be in a relationship with someone you’re friends with?”

“I have no idea, but we’re not in a relationship. We really are just friends.”

“Uh huh,” she grinned. “Whatever you say.”

“Don’t you have work to do?”

"I’m pretty sure she does.” They both turned toward Matt’s voice and as Liz slipped quietly away Cali wondered how long he’d been standing there.

He didn’t say anything as he sat a bowl of his famous potato soup in front of her, along with two chunks of French bread, which she knew he had also baked. Once he’d sat down a cloth napkin with a spoon he slid into the chair Liz had vacated and Cali felt as though she were frozen.

After what felt like 20 minutes Matt looked at the soup then back at Cali. “You should eat that before it gets cold.” She nodded and dipped the spoon in the bowl and slowly sipped the warm, creamy liquid.

She was about a third of the way through the bowl when he spoke again. She was still too much in shock to know what to say. “You know I always wondered about you and me,” he started. “But it never seemed like you wanted to be in a relationship. I guess that’s why I never did anything about it.”

Cali put the spoon down and wiped her mouth then took a big drink of water as she tried to figure out what to say. Meanwhile, he kept talking.

“I think at some level, somewhere deep inside, I broke things off with Ginny because I couldn’t help but wonder if there might be a future for us someday.”

Cali sighed and smiled then reached for his hand. “Matty...”

“Calilily,” he grinned and squeezed her hand.

“You should have said something.” He shrugged. “I should have said something.”

“Do you mean...?”

She nodded. “I think it was just a deep crush in the beginning but somewhere over the years, in the midst of one conversation or another, I fell in love with you.” He smiled. “I never dreamed that you felt something between us. And I never said anything because I didn’t want to damage our friendship.”

He moved his chair closer to her and put his hand on her cheek. She blushed and looked away for a moment then turned back and saw his eyes. “I love you, Calilily.”

“So what do we do now?”

He slid his fingers into her hair and began to lean in. “Whatever we want.” He whispered the words across her lips just before he kissed her, and as she melted into his embrace she knew he was right. They had the whole world ahead of them and could make it whatever they wanted.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

When I found his dog...

My phone started ringing before I got to the car and I was surprised when I saw Brent’s number. I wasn’t expecting his call until later that night, as he’d told me he had a work dinner to attend, but I happily answered as I walked.

“Hey, handsome.”

“Hey.” 

Something was wrong.

“Is everything okay? I thought you had a dinner after work.”

“I do, but I had to call you first.”

“Okay. What’s going on? You sound weird.”

He sighed and I sat down on a bench just outside of the parking garage. 

“I just can’t do this anymore, Anna. You’re gone so much and we just...we live in different worlds.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and tried very hard to hold back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. “I think it’s time to end things before they get worse.”

“Get worse? I didn’t think they were bad.”

“Of course you didn’t. You’re never here to see.”

“But we talk every night, and you’ve never said anything. I don’t understand what’s happened between last night and now. I mean you said you loved me.”

“Not really,” he answered and I quickly replayed our conversation in my head. “I said ‘Me, too,’ when you said you loved me. It’s not really the same thing. Look, I know this is horrible to do over the phone, but you’re going to be gone another two weeks and I just didn’t see the point in waiting until you got home.”

“So because I have a job that takes me out of town a lot you’re going to end a two-year relationship...is there someone else?”

His silence answered my question and I took a deep breath then stood and started walking to my rental car before I completely lost it.

“I’m sorry, Anna. Are you going to be okay?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Seriously? You just broke up with me over the phone claiming that you don’t love me despite the last two years we’ve spent together. You didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me there was something wrong, that things weren’t working for you, and you wonder if I’m going to be okay? You know what, Brent? You no longer have the right to ask me that. It’s actually none of your business. If you could just pack up any of my stuff that I’ve left at your place and kindly gather yours from mine before I get back, that would be great, because I honestly don’t think I can ever look you in the eyes again.”

He started to say he was was sorry again but I hung up before he could finish his thought and then I got in the car and started to drive. The tears came quickly and I only made it about two miles before I had to pull over. I put my head on the steering wheel and sobbed for what felt like hours but was actually about 15 minutes, then I dug through my bag and found the pack of face wipes I’d bought at the airport and tried to make myself look presentable. After another few minutes of just sitting I got out and started walking. 

I hadn’t realized how close to the beach I was when I pulled over but there it was, calling to me, and I managed to smile as I headed toward the sand. There were concrete benches here and there and I claimed one as my own and just stared at the water and tried to figure out how I missed my relationship falling apart. I was lost in thought when I felt something hit my lap, and when I looked down I saw a huge yellow lab. He looked at me as though he knew I needed the kind of unconditional love he could give, and I couldn’t help but give his ears a scratch. 

I looked around for an owner but no one seemed to be looking for a dog, and I couldn’t believe he was just wandering around lost. I turned his collar around and found a name tag - Truckee - but no owner information. I assumed he was chipped but still felt annoyed that I didn’t know how to find the owner.

“Truckee,” I mused, and he looked up into my eyes. “Why does that sound so familiar? Who do you belong to, big guy? Truckee...” I knew I recognized that name, and not just as the city in Northern California. I continued to scratch his head as I thought about it and then, as if I’d been struck by lightning, I remembered. “Holy crap! You’re Jeremy Lyon’s dog!” He barked and I sunk back into the bench as I realized how loud I’d said that. “How did you get way down here?” 

Jeremy Lyon was an up and coming actor who happened to be in one of my favorite TV shows that most of my friends cared nothing about. He was also in a couple of TV Christmas movies that I loved, and I’d been following him on social media for a couple of years. I quickly pulled out my phone and started looking at his accounts to see if he was posting about Truckee and sure enough, he’d posted everywhere saying he’d run away from the set when there was a small explosion. 

“Okay, so, how do we find him?”

I knew he didn’t follow me back on any of the various social media platforms but I was pretty sure he allowed people to message him on Snapchat so I gave it a shot and did a quick video with Truckee and let him know where we were. It was less than a minute when he replied and I only mildly freaked out when his face appeared in my messages, smiling and thankful, asking me to wait and that he’d be there in half an hour.

“Well, you might as well come up here,” I said and patted the bench, indicating Truckee should come sit beside me. He did so in a second, and put his head in my lap so I could more easily pet him. I also sensed that he knew I was having a rough day - I’d always believed dogs had that sort of sixth sense about them, and he was proving me right. 

While we waited I took time to unfollow and unfriend Brent on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, but not before taking a quick look around each to see if I could find signs of whomever it was he’d left me for. I knew he wasn’t on the apps as much as I was but I did find a curious few tweets to him that he’d never responded to, or if he had, the tweets had been deleted. They were from someone called Your Girl Next Door whose handle was @youknowyouwantme. The tweets had been a few weeks earlier and started with “Hey, it was great meeting you the other night!” and went to “When can we get together?” to “I wish you’d given me your number.” to “Let me know when you’re ready.” I thought I might be sick and quickly blocked her and then Brent. I then proceeded to block him everywhere else and turned off my phone and put it back in my pocket. 

“I’m so stupid,” I sighed. Truckee responded with a yawn and I couldn’t help but smile. “But at least I’ve got you, right? At least for a few more minutes.” I put my arms around his head and bent down as I hugged him. “You’re a great dog,” I whispered.

“He’s the best.”

I jumped when I heard Jeremy Lyon’s voice and nearly lost my breath when I sat up and saw him standing in front of me because dear lord, he was much better looking in person than on TV. Truckee looked at him and immediately perked up but didn’t move.

“Hi,” I managed to say, and I’m sure my whole face was bright red as it suddenly felt very warm.

“I’m Jeremy,” he said and put his hand out to me.

“Yeah,” I laughed as I slipped my hand into his. “I know. Annabelle.”

He knelt in front of me and put his other hand on Truckee’s head and began to scratch his ears. “I can’t even begin to thank you for finding this guy.”

“To be fair, he sort of found me.”

“Well, whatever, you cared enough to reach out and I seriously can’t thank you enough.”

“I’m just glad I was able to find you. I know how much he means to you.” He tilted his head and looked at me with curiosity and I realized I’d said too much. The fact was, he’d found the dog in Truckee when he was driving back across the country after his mom died, and he felt like she’d sent him as some sort of guardian angel. He’d written a long post about it and it had been one of the sweetest things I’d ever read, making me like him more than I already did. “I mean, um...” He just smiled. “I’m a fan, what can I say?”

“Well, it’s nice to know people pay attention.” Truckee barked and we both laughed. “Apparently he agrees.” 

I pushed myself up, and he stood as well, and I felt more awkward than I’d ever felt in my life. “I should probably get going.”

“Oh, I, um...maybe I could, I don’t know, take you to dinner or something as a thank you.”

“Oh, that’s really not necessary.”

“Are you kidding? Dinner is the least I can do after you found this guy.” He bent down and rubbed the dog’s head, but as soon as he finished Truckee stepped toward me and leaned against my leg. “And besides, I’m not sure he wants you to leave.”

“He’s a good dog,” I smiled and gave his ears a scratch.

“It’s funny,” Jeremy said. “He usually only leans against someone like that when he senses something’s wrong or that they’re upset.”

I laughed, a very awkward sort of laugh that probably revealed something was wrong or that I had been upset. “I’m sure he was just happy that I took care of him while we waited for you.”

“Maybe...now please let me take you to dinner.”

“You’re not very good at taking no for an answer are you?” He smiled and shook his head and naturally I gave in. I mean when else in life was I going to get the chance to have dinner with a bona fide famous person? 

“Did you walk here or drive?” he asked and after I told him I’d driven he said he knew a local place a few blocks away and we decided to walk. “So tell me, Annabelle, what brought you to the beach dressed for something that clearly was not the beach?”

“It’s a long story and one that I don’t especially feel like telling a stranger.”

“Stranger?” He put his hand on his chest and pretended to be offended. 

“Very funny,” I smiled and found that he was actually quite easy to talk to. “So what were you doing before you raced over here to save this guy?”

“We’d wrapped shooting for the afternoon, for a movie I’m working on...gotta go back later tonight for the night scene shoots.”

“Wow, okay. I can honestly say no one has ever uttered any of those things to me before, but then again, I’ve never met an actual actor before.”

“And how’s it going so far?”

“Well, I’m completely in love with his dog, and he’s pretty okay, too.” I was flirting, shamelessly, and sort of wanted to crawl in a hole. “Sorry, this just got a little weird.”

“No, don’t be sorry, it was a weird thing for me to ask. I so rarely meet anyone not connected in some way to the entertainment world. I mean I’m just assuming you’re not connected but I guess I don’t really know.”

“I’m in no way connected other than watching TV and movies and following celebrities on social media, which now just makes me sound like a creepy stalker.”

He laughed and I was very glad the restaurant came into view. It was a tiny place with a handful of tables inside and what looked to be about the same amount outside. Because of Truckee, we sat outside, and it was strange how quickly awkward turned into normal, as if we’d met many times but were just finally getting the chance to sit down and get to know each other. By the time the dinner ended, more than two hours later, we had plans to meet the next evening and even talked about what the weekend looked like. I’d already planned to stay through the weekend rather than fly back home and back down again. I did tell him I was only in town for work and if I wasn’t mistaken, he seemed a little disappointed about it.

Once I was back in the hotel I turned my phone back on and expected to find a message or text from Brent containing some sort of extended apology but all I found was a text from Jeremy with a photo of him and Truckee. I smiled as I read his words.

We’re so happy we met you and we can’t wait to see you tomorrow!

I wasn’t typically a person who took selfies but I took one and sent it back, echoing his sentiments. I then downloaded the photo he sent and saved it alongside his name in my phone, all the while pinching myself to make sure it was real. I realized just how real it was when I checked my social media feeds and saw the following tweet from Jeremy:

Thx to everyone for their thoughts about Truckee. He was found by the most incredible person who he is now completely smitten with. :-)

I couldn’t stop smiling as I got ready for bed and was still smiling when I woke up the next morning. I’d all but forgotten about my breakup with Brent and still couldn’t believe how things had turned the night before. I was reminded, however, when I reached for my phone and found a string of texts from him.

I’m so sorry Anna.

I love you.

Can you forgive me?

I didn’t mean it.

It was just the one time.

You’re the one I love.

Please call me.

I miss you so much.

After deleting the messages I realized there was also a voice message and I just knew it was from him. When I pushed play it was clear he’d been drinking and his rambling message was much like his texts and I truly didn’t care. I deleted it, too, and got ready for my day.

Time flew by as I jumped from meeting to meeting and by the end of the day I was exhausted but invigorated. Negotiating a merger was nothing new to me, but this one was big and had a lot more moving parts, which is why I’d been back and forth so much. I turned my phone back on - it was a big no-no to have a personal cell phone during work - and it started vibrating immediately with texts and voice messages. I waited until I got to the car to read and listen to everything, and it was a crazy jumble of people who’d been trying to get in touch with me.

First there was Brent, another string of texts apologizing for the drunken texts and voice message, and another apology for breaking things off in the first place. There was my mom wondering why I hadn’t called in two days. I called her back immediately and told her I’d just lost track of time. I wasn’t ready to hear her “I told you so” about Brent so I decided to wait to tell her about that. Then there was a text from Jeremy, which was a picture of Truckee with a caption that said, “Can’t wait to see you tonight,” and there was also a voice message where he basically said the same thing but hearing his voice made me smile and get more excited for the evening. I sent him a text back, confirming that I’d see him in two hours, then went back to the hotel and took a long shower, changed for the evening and headed out for my night on the town.

I pulled up to the restaurant Jeremy had suggested and loved that it was right on the water. It was a little fancier than where we’d eaten the night before but still didn’t seem pretentious. I dropped my car off with the valet and smiled when I heard Jeremy call my name. Truckee trotted toward me and I was actually a little surprised to see him since I doubted he was allowed in the restaurant. 

“Ah, Mr. Lyon,” a gentleman said, smiling as he walked toward us. “We have your usual table on the deck.” He bent down and scratched the dog’s ears and it was clear Jeremy was a usual. “Right this way,” he continued and as we followed Jeremy slipped his hand behind my back and I felt a shiver up my spine. 

I knew it was ridiculous to think something could happen between us, but I couldn’t ignore how it felt when he looked at me or how it felt just to be near him. Truckee curled up under the table and rested his head on my feet and I knew I’d fallen for him completely. I bent down and scratched his head and when I sat back up Jeremy was smiling as he looked across at me.

“What?”

“I think my dog is going to leave me for you.”

“Very funny.”

“I’ve never seen him take a liking to anyone so quickly.”

“What can I say, I’m big in the dog community.”

“Cute,” he smiled then leaned toward me and put his chin on his folded hands. “So how was your day?”

I nearly cried, as it’s one of the things I always wanted from Brent. He rarely asked me how my day was, or how my work trips went. I rationalized it by telling myself that he was busy and it wasn’t important how my day was, just how nice it was to be with him, but the fact was, I would have loved to share that part of my life with him.

“Annabelle?”

“Hmmm?”

“You sort of drifted away for a minute there...everything okay?” I nodded and smiled as a tear formed in the corner of my eye. I blinked and it started to slip down my cheek so I turned toward the water and wiped it away. “Hey,” he said then reached out and touched my hand. “We can go.”

“No, no,” I smiled and turned back to him with more tears in my eyes. “I’m okay.” I sighed and wiped my face then folded my hands in front of me and prepared to tell him what I hadn’t mentioned the night before. “The thing is, when Truckee found me yesterday I had just been dumped by my boyfriend of two years, and I think he knew, which is why he’s been a bit clingy.”

“Annabelle, I...I’m so sorry...I didn’t know...”

“You couldn’t have, and there’s nothing to apologize for, truly. I had the best time last night and am really enjoying tonight, too.”

“Clearly,” he smiled and I couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s just...I mean in the last two days you’ve asked me more about my life than Brent ever did and it’s really, really nice.”

I slipped my hand into his when he reached out again, and it felt good to just know someone cared. “How ‘bout we take a walk and come back to eat later?” I nodded and he called the waiter over and told him of the change to our evening, then we walked down the back steps onto the beach, trailed closely by Truckee, and for several minutes we didn’t say a word. 

“I know you’re only here for a short time,” he said, breaking the silence. “And now I know that you’re just out of a long relationship, which probably means you don’t want to jump into anything, and I know we hardly know each other but...”

I stopped walking and looked up into his eyes. “What are you trying to say?”

“I like you, Annabelle, I think that’s obvious.” I smiled and swung our hands back and forth between us. “And I don’t know what happens when you leave or when my work gets crazy like it often does but I want to stay in touch and talk and maybe I’ll come visit you and I’m rambling...” 

“It’s pretty cute,” I grinned.

“You’re pretty cute,” he smiled then reached for my other hand and stepped forward. I thought for a minute he might kiss me but he just leaned his head against mine and we both closed our eyes as we stood in the night air. Truckee’s bark pulled us apart and we laughed as he stood looking at us with a tennis ball in his mouth.

“I think he’s feeling ignored.”

Jeremy kissed my forehead then let my hands go and reached for the tennis ball, which was really kind of gross. He tossed it toward the water and Truckee bounded for it like a puppy. The game went on for a while and I realized just how content I was when I didn’t feel any desire to check my phone or my watch. When his phone rang the game stopped momentarily.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, looking at me. “It’s the director. Do you mind?”

“Not at all. Truckee and I will walk a bit.” He nodded then I patted my leg and the dog followed without question. 

I felt like it was a long time before Jeremy caught up to us and when he did he apologized saying he had to go back to the set. Apparently they had to shoot another night scene and for whatever reason the sky was perfect for the look and feel they wanted. “I don’t suppose you’d want to come with me...”

“I’m sure that would be fun but I’ve got an early morning tomorrow and I don’t want to take a chance on being late.”

“I understand.” We started walking back toward the restaurant and as we did he reached for my hand. “Is this okay?” I nodded and he squeezed my fingers.

I didn’t see him the next two days due to commitments with the project but the next night, Friday, he said he wanted to take me out on an actual date, one where he came to my door and picked me up. I told him he was crazy but he was adamant so I did a little shopping after I left the office and found an actual little black dress for the night then waited in my hotel room until he knocked on my door. 

When I opened the door he stood in a black suit holding a single white daisy, and I couldn’t help but feel giddy. I picked up my purse and jacket then looped my arm through his and smiled all the way to the elevator. 

“So, where are you taking me?” I asked as we rode to the main floor.

“It’s a surprise,” he grinned and his gray blue eyes twinkled.

When we stepped out of the lobby he escorted me to the open back door of a limousine. He slid in after me and a moment later we were off.

“This is very nice, Jeremy, but you didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

“You deserve a night out like this. We all do every now and then.”

I nodded and smiled as he slipped his arm around my shoulder, and it was easy to lean into him and just enjoy the moment. I could hardly believe it was less than a week since things ended with Brent and wondered if I was letting myself feel too much. 

It wasn’t long before we were sitting in a line of limos leading to what appeared to be a red carpet and some sort of movie premiere. “What’s going on?” I asked, feeling completely underdressed and awkward and nervous.

“It’ll be fun, I promise,” he smiled as someone opened the door. He got out then reached for my hand. I took a deep breath and gripped his fingers then slid out and stood next to him as cameras started flashing.

As we walked I saw huge cutouts of animated characters and remembered that he’d posted something about doing a voice for something months and months earlier. We were at his movie premiere and as he got pulled into photos and interviews I felt like I’d fallen into a world I knew absolutely nothing about. 

“And who’s this lovely lady with you tonight, Jeremy?” More than one interviewer asked, and each time he reached for my hand and described me as his “very dear friend.” 

Once inside we sat near some of the other actors and their families and when the lights went down it was almost like being at any other movie. Jeremy’s character was a fast-talking German Shepherd named Hank, and he was brilliant. I laughed, I cried, and I fell just a little bit harder.

“I hope you had fun tonight,” he whispered as we rode back toward the hotel, his arm around me, my eyes closed, and my fingers intertwined with his.

“It was amazing, Jeremy, thank you.”

He kissed the top of my head and I sighed as I leaned into him a little more. A few minutes later the limo slowed and I opened my eyes and glanced out but wasn’t sure where we were. “Let’s take a walk.” 

We were on the same beach where we’d first met, and as we walked along the sand, the moon glistening off the water, I knew I was in trouble. I liked him more than I’d wanted to admit and the thought of having to say goodbye was almost too much to bear. 

He’d told me earlier that he was leaving the next day to fly home for his sister’s birthday, and I thought it was just about the sweetest thing ever. I hadn’t expected to have become his “very dear friend” before then, and certainly hadn’t expected my feelings to be so strong. I would be gone by the time he returned and I had no idea what things would look like after that. I was scheduled to go to Chicago for a new project two weeks later and it was one that was going to keep me traveling for at least six months.

“This week has been great, Annabelle, and I hate that it’s almost over.”

“Me, too.”

“But I don’t want this, whatever this is between us, to be over.” We stopped walking and he took my other hand in his. “I wasn’t looking for anything like this but now I can’t imagine you not being in my life.”

“I feel the same,” I breathed, wondering how it would ever work. He knew about Chicago, and that I lived in the Bay Area, not LA. “But...” 

“No buts,” he interrupted and put a finger across my lips. “We can figure it out.” I closed my eyes then smiled and nodded, hoping beyond hope that he was right. He slipped his finger under my chin then leaned in and raised my lips to meet his. “I’ve fallen so completely for you, Annabelle.” 

“I’ve fallen for you, too,” I echoed and kissed him again. 

“And I know you’re just out of a relationship and that you’re scared of all of this; I’m scared, too, but I can honestly say I’ve never felt anything like what I’m feeling now. But let’s take it slow, one day at a time, all of that...” I nodded in agreement then he pulled me into his arms and just held me close for a long time.

We said goodbye in the limo and he gave me another lovely kiss before I slipped out and stepped back into my real life. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but knew we’d started something that had the very real possibility of lasting forever.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Just getting started...

It had been sitting there for two days, the private message from someone I’d been following on Instagram for over a year. 

I’m going to be in town next week for a conference. Would love to meet in person. What do you think?

He’d followed me first, and he was cute so I followed back, but I never commented on his photos, nor he on mine. He was young, much younger than me from what I could tell, but seemed to be gainfully employed. He had a black lab named Cookie and a three-year old son whose name he hadn’t mentioned, and I honestly didn’t know a single other thing about him. His photos were mainly of his dog and various nature scenes with a fair number of selfies thrown in. Every now and then he’d post a picture of his son, and I could tell he was a good dad. I wondered that he never posted a picture of the boy’s mother and assumed there was either a broken relationship or that she was just too beautiful for photos. 

After I received the message I googled him but only found the same pictures he’d posted on Instagram. I knew it was very possible it was all fake, that he was really a predator looking for an easy score in one way or another. And yet, the pictures of him with his dog and his little boy - if it was in fact his son - looked very genuine. I looked to see what conferences were in town but there were five different ones spread all over the city and they ranged from technical to spiritual to education. I had no idea which one he was attending and so, I did something I swore I’d never do. I called my ex-husband and asked for his help.

“Let me get this straight,” Tommy grinned after I told him what was going on. “You want me to use my resources to find out if this guy is genuine so you, my ex-wife, can go on a date with him?”

“I did not say I was going on a date with him, but yes, I want to know if he’s real. Come on, Tommy, you owe me at least this.”

“How long are you going to play the my-husband-turned-out-to-be-gay card?”

“Well let’s see...we dated for two years in high school, four years in college...and after we were married I put you through grad school, and supported you through the academy...and then watched you be ridiculously happy with Jeremy for another two years until he lost his mind and left you, then I consoled you for another year until we figured out how to be friends so that adds up to what, thirteen years?” He nodded. “That’s how long I’m going to play the card.”

“Fine,” he sighed and started digging.

“And let’s not forget that I’m the one that brought Jeremy back into your life as well.”

“Yes, yes...”

I think somewhere deep inside I’d known Tommy was gay, maybe not in high school but I’d definitely wondered in college. I was fine that we waited until we were married to sleep together but it was so unusual for a guy to be the one to want to wait. I was even fine when he said he wanted to wait to have kids but once he went to the academy I could tell things were off. He became distant, barely wanted to kiss me, much less do anything else. 

I was angry for a long time, especially when he came crawling back after Jeremy left, but then I realized that it must have been even harder for him to live a lie than it was for me to be pulled into it. And somehow, amidst his heartbreak, we became friends. And once we crossed into that territory I saw how much he loved Jeremy and took matters into my own hands. They’d now been married for a year and were as happy as I’d ever seen two people be.

“Okay, Scott Young is definitely his real name, and that’s his real son, Simon, and he’s a freelance photographer...” He paused while he read something.

“What is it?”

“Looks like his wife died in childbirth and he left a lucrative job on Wall Street to be with his son and now also teaches photography at NYU.”

“Wow.” I wasn’t sure I was ready to know all of that, and now I felt like I’d pried where I shouldn’t have.

“Looks like he...”

“No,” I said and held my hand up. “No more. You told me enough.”

“So are you going to meet him?”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I feel like I know too much now.”

“I thought that’s what you wanted...to know if he was legit...”

“I did, and thank you, but now...I don’t know...I guess I’ll have to think about it a little more.”

“Hey,” he said and reached for my hand. “You deserve to be happy, too, you know. He’s clearly someone that interests you. I haven’t seen that spark in your eye in a long time, and even if he turns out to just be a good friend, don’t you owe it to yourself to get out there? I mean maybe he has an older brother.” He winked and I rolled my eyes.

“Very funny.”

“Jeremy and I can go with you to meet him if you want. And we can skulk in the corner and observe because you know, we’re detectives.”

“I can’t believe you just said skulk,” I grinned. 

“Yes you can.”

“Hey, Tommy, we...” We both looked up to see Tommy’s partner, Alyssa. “Oh  hey, Jewel. Everything okay?”

“It is, thanks. I was just checking in with Tommy on something. I’ll, uh, send you the details on the, um, event.”

“Right. We’ll be there.”

“Thanks. I’ll get out of your hair.” I walked toward the door. “Bye, Alyssa.”

I heard her jump into whatever case had just landed in their laps then made my way back to the parking lot where I sat in my car and stared at Scott’s message for a few minutes before replying.

Would love to meet in person. Let me know what your schedule looks like and we’ll make a plan.

I took a deep breath then pushed send and was just about to close the app when another message popped in.

Oh thank goodness! I was sure I’d scared you off when you didn’t reply right away. I’ll be at the Hilton downtown from Monday night through Friday afternoon. The only night I have to do something is Tuesday so I’m free any other night. 

He gave me his phone number and asked if we could talk instead of messaging and I agreed that it would be easier but I was more nervous than I’d ever been as I dialed his number. I took a deep breath as it rang then held it for a second when he answered.

“Jewel?”

“Hi.”

“I can’t believe I’m actually talking to you after all this time. I feel like I know you a little bit from your photos and videos but it’s a bit of a filtered view, right?”

“Right. I mean, I could be a crazy person that just happens to take good photos.”

He laughed and it broke the tension a little. 

“But you’re not crazy, Jewel. You’ve just gone through a lot, like all of us.”

“Did you Google me?” I couldn’t help but smile because I knew my story was out there since I’d written it blog-by-blog as a cathartic exercise. And there was a link to it in my bio.

“I read your blog...and I might have Googled you...and I might have asked a buddy in the NYPD to do a background check...”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “I might have asked my ex-husband to do the same thing.”

“So we know a little more about each other than we’re admitting, huh?”

“It would seem so, yes.” I debated whether or not to say anything about what I’d learned but figured I might as well put it out there. “And I’m so sorry about your wife.”

“Thanks. You know, you’re the only person I follow on Instagram that I don’t know, other than a few celebrities.”

“Why did you follow me anyway?”

“You probably don’t even remember it but you posted a clip from a song you’d just discovered, and it just struck me at the right time. It was about love and loss and moving forward...”

“When the magic moves,” I sighed. It was still one of my favorite songs and the only song I’d ever liked by the singer.

“It just spoke to me, and then I looked at the rest of your feed and you seemed so happy and fun and I don’t know...I was just drawn to you. It certainly didn’t hurt that you’re beautiful.” I felt my cheeks warm and didn’t know quite what to say. “Why did you follow me back?”

“If I’m being perfectly honest it was about your dog at first. I love labs and Cookie is just gorgeous. And I don’t know, you were cute and your photos were beautiful so...”

“It’s always about Cookie,” he said and I could hear his smile even though I’d never before connected his voice to his face. I just knew.

“Isn’t that why guys get dogs in the first place? To attract girls?”

“Maybe, but he was actually Maggie’s...my wife...”

“I’m sorry, Scott, you don’t need to tell me.”

“I want to though. I feel like I want to tell you everything.”

And so he did. He told me about Maggie and how she’d survived cancer but her body just couldn’t handle childbirth. He told me how they met in college and how she’d actually had two miscarriages before delivering Simon. They’d named him after a friend who’d introduced them, which I found very sweet. He told me about his son and how he’d left his job and started over when Maggie died. He told me everything and I loved listening to him talk.

I told him about Tommy then just started talking about everything else. I’d long since left the police station and by the time we finished talking nearly three hours later I was actually tucked into my couch and excited about his arrival two days later.

The next day I told Tommy I didn’t need them to chaperone but he was insistent. “It’s a safety thing, Jewel.” I relented but told him to stay on the other side of the restaurant and not do one of those things where he just pretended to run into me. He agreed and on Monday night, around 7:30, I strolled into Mario’s across the street from Scott’s hotel. 

I would have known him anywhere, and as he stood to greet me I realized just how handsome he was. His photos didn’t do him justice. “Jewel,” he smiled and his voice actually made my insides melt a little. He’d told me on the phone that he was 31 but despite his youth there was definitely a maturity about him and his confidence oozed from every pore.

“Hi,” I breathed, blushed, not sure if I should shake his hand or hug him or do something else entirely. 

He reached for my hand then leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I can’t believe we’re finally meeting after all this time.” His words whispered across my ear sent a shiver down my spine that caused me to squeeze his hand. “Shall we?” He motioned into the restaurant and I nodded then held his hand until we reached the booth. After the hostess was gone and we were left alone I couldn’t help but just stare at him and smile. “What is it?”

I felt my face get red from embarrassment, as all the nervousness I’d been feeling since we agreed to meet started to flood my mind. He said he didn’t care that I was ten years older but it had been bothering me ever since I knew. “Nothing,” I lied. Based on the look in his eyes he knew it wasn’t nothing. “I mean this is weird, right? Meeting someone from the internet? Especially someone so much, I don’t know, older than you? I know we talked on the phone the other day, and that was amazing, but now you’re here and I actually can’t believe it and nothing about this seems real. I mean my ex and his husband are somewhere in this restaurant to make sure nothing goes terribly wrong. And I probably shouldn’t have even told you that but I can’t seem to stop talking and, oh thank god, the bread!” I practically grabbed the basket of bread from the waiter’s hand and tore a piece off and stuffed it in my mouth. I honestly thought I might pass out.

“Anything else?” He smiled and was so calm it was unnerving. 

“How can you be so calm about this?!”

He put his hand on the table and for some reason I reached for it. That’s when I realized how clammy it was, and how nervous he clearly was, too. I hadn’t noticed his hand when he first took mine, probably because my own nerves overshadowed it, and I felt a bit relieved that I wasn’t alone.

“There’s no pressure here, Jewel. I just wanted to meet you and have a nice dinner. I’m not expecting anything else and quite honestly, yes, this is weird. But not because of the age thing. I told you that didn’t matter to me. And now that I’ve met you in person I’m not completely sure you weren’t lying about how old you were because you do not look like a woman in her forties.”

I exhaled and smiled, thankful that I wasn’t the only one thinking the whole thing was crazy and flattered that he clearly thought I looked good for my age. “Thank you.” I squeezed his hand then pulled mine back and felt like I could be myself. “Sorry for freaking out a minute ago.”

“It’s okay. I freaked out before I walked over here and when I called to talk to Simon before he went to bed I ended up babbling to my mother who basically told me to suck it up and be a man.”

“No!”

“I know! It’s like I was 15 years old all over again.” He laughed; I laughed, and suddenly it felt like we were old friends. By the time we finished our gelato it was after 10 and I found I didn’t want the night to end. 

He kissed my cheek after walking me to my car and before I could stop myself I offered to cook dinner two nights later. I told him I’d message him my address and directions then spent the next 24 hours or so trying to figure out what in the world I’d been thinking. As it turned out though, it didn’t matter because late the next night he left a message saying his mother had been admitted to the hospital and he was flying home.

I called him when I got the message, but it went straight to voice mail and I said something about hoping everything was okay and to call me anytime. 

When I hadn’t heard from him a month later I sent him a quick note via Instagram, even though I hadn’t seen any posts since I’d seen him. 

Hope everything’s okay. Please call anytime.

After another month and still nothing, including no posts on Instagram, I figured it was just one of those things, that he’d been spooked by something and decided meeting a woman ten years his senior who lived in a different state had not been a good idea. 

I couldn’t bring myself to unfollow him on Instagram but at some point his account disappeared and I knew it was over, which is why I almost fell off my couch when he called almost three months later.

"Hello?”

“Please don’t hang up.”

"Okay.”

“I know I owe you an apology, several actually, but it’s been a rough few months and I just wasn’t sure if reaching out was a good idea.”

“Uh huh.”

“You’re mad, I get it.”

“I was mad, after I went through several weeks of worry and sadness. Now I’m just numb. It was just one of those things, Scott. It’s fine. You don’t need to apologize. We tried and it didn’t work. It’s fine.”

“But it isn’t fine. And it did work, and I think you know that.”

“Then why haven’t I heard from you? And why is your Instagram account gone?”

“When I had to leave that day, my mom, she...she went in for pneumonia and she just couldn’t recover.” I felt horrible. “It took a few weeks and they tried everything but in the end it wasn’t enough.” 

“Scott, I...I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t imagine losing my mother and certainly couldn’t imagine losing her so soon after losing my spouse. I had no idea what he was going through and felt like a huge jerk for thinking the worst. 

“I know I should have reached out sooner but I didn’t want the beginning of our friendship to be so dark and I knew I wasn’t capable of anything beyond just friends.”

“I’m okay with being friends, Scott. I wish you would have called but I understand why you didn’t. How’s your dad? And Simon? And you? How are you?”

“My dad’s just...well, he’s devastated.”

“Of course.”

“And Simon doesn’t understand...it’s too much death for one kid to deal with in his short life.”

“And you? How are you doing?”

“I’ll be okay.” 

I let the silence fill the air rather than responding with some empty platitude. A few moments later he continued. 

“I was hoping maybe you’d be up for an escape. We need to get out of here and I thought I’d take Simon and my dad to our house in Malibu. And I’d really like to see you.”

This was the first I’d heard about him having a house in California and loved the idea of escaping myself. “I don’t know, Scott. Maybe it’s too soon...maybe it’s not a good idea...”

“Would you at least think about it? I’d like to apologize in person.”

Three weeks later I pulled up in front of the house in Malibu. He’d sent me the address when they’d left two weeks earlier and told me they’d be there for at least two months, possibly three. He’d said come anytime and for some reason I didn’t let him know I was coming. I suppose I didn’t want to disappoint him if I changed my mind but as I sat in the car trying to convince myself that it was fine I worried that the surprise wouldn’t be welcome. 

I took a deep breath then opened the door and as I was rounding the hood of the car an older gentleman was walking up. He looked so much like Scott that I was certain it was his father. “Jewel?” I stopped in my tracks when he addressed me. “It is Jewel, isn’t it?”

“Yes, sir, but I don’t believe we’ve met.”

He smiled. “My son has shown me many pictures but my dear, they did not do you justice. You are a vision.”

I blushed. “Thank you.”

“Now, I don’t believe my son mentioned you arriving today, or if he did, I wasn’t paying attention.” 

“I didn’t exactly mention it to him,” I said, blushing again.

“Ah, a surprise. My wife would have loved that.”

I looped my arm through his and patted his hand. “I’m so sorry I didn’t get to know her.”

“Me, too, my dear. Me, too.”

He escorted me up the walk and into the house where he called out for Scott and Simon. When there was no answer he said they were probably on the beach so we walked arm-in-arm through the house and onto a beautiful deck that overlooked the water. “There,” he said, pointing toward the sand.

“Thank you,” I smiled then leaned in and kissed his cheek.

I left him on the deck then made my way to Scott and Simon, busy building a sandcastle. I watched for a minute or two then walked around and knelt down in front of them. “I think this could use a woman’s touch.”

He turned slowly and as his eyes met mine the corners of his mouth began to turn up. “Jewel?”

“Surprise.” I shrugged as I smiled.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” He stood and pulled me up. My breath hitched as the energy from his touch surged through my body. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

For a few seconds we just stood there, very aware that something was happening between us that felt like a lot more than friendship. I was thankful for the interruption that came in the form of Simon’s small voice. “Daddy, we’re not finished.”

“You’re right,” he smiled and squeezed my hand. “We’re just getting started.”

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Jenner.

“Hey, I’m home!”

I gasped when I heard the voice. It sounded suspiciously like one I hadn’t heard since high school and one that I wasn’t expecting. Jenner Maxon had every right to be there, of course; it was his house - well, his mother’s house - but his mother had not mentioned that he’d be coming to visit. 

“Anybody here?”

He was getting closer to the office/den where I was working on the edits to his mother’s manuscript, and I knew there was no way I could escape before he got there. 

I’d been working as Elena Maxon’s personal assistant since I finished grad school six months earlier and while it wasn’t exactly the career path I’d laid out for myself, it paid well and gave me an amazing place to live and time to read and think about working on my own book.

“Mom? You here?”

I looked up from the desk as the door opened and there he was, as big as life and more handsome than ever. “Well, you’re not my mother,” he grinned as he walked toward me. For a moment I wasn’t sure he knew who I was but just I was about to say something the recognition dawned. “Maggie?”

“Hey, Jenner.”

He was staring, just like many from high school did when they saw me. Yes, I was thinner, yes, some actually thought I was pretty, blah blah blah, but I was still the same nerdy girl they all used to ignore or call names. 

“You’re my mom’s new assistant?” I nodded. “Amazing.”

“I don’t know about amazing but yes, I work for your mother.”

He smiled bigger and sat down in one of the chairs in front of the desk. “So where is she?”

“The Bahamas.”

“Be serious,” he laughed.

“I’m completely serious. She’s been gone a week and will be back at the end of the month.”

“Come on,” he smiled and started looking around the room. “This is a joke right? To get back at me for something I did to you in high school?” I looked at him dumbfounded, unsure why he thought I was lying about his mom being out of the country.

“Jenner,” I said, probably a bit more firmly than was necessary. “I promise you, she’s in The Bahamas. I booked the trip and took her to the airport.” He sighed and shook his head. “You really didn’t know?”

He mumbled something I couldn’t quite make out then stood and started pacing. “I told her four times, maybe five, that I would be home this weekend. How could she forget?” I didn’t know what to say so opted for nothing. He paced a bit more then looked at me. 

“She really didn’t mention that I’d be coming home?” I shook my head. “So typical. I ask her for so little and then this one thing, this very important thing...”

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Not unless you know the combination to the safe in her closet.” 

“Sorry, no.”

“Then no,” he snapped as he walked toward the door. “You can't help me.”

“Sorry.” My voice was quiet, akin to how it used to be in high school when I’d have to interact with Jenner and his popular friends, and I doubted he heard me but as he started to open the door he stopped then turned back around.

“No I’m sorry. It’s not your fault she blew me off. Maybe it’s a sign I wasn’t supposed to get the ring...I don’t know. I’ll be out of your hair in a day or two.”

I couldn’t help myself; I had to ask. “The ring?”

He sighed again. “Not that it matters now but I was coming home to get my grandmother’s engagement ring so I could propose to my girlfriend.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Again, not your fault, but thank you. It’s been a long day.” He reached for the door again. “I’m going to bed.”

He left and I wondered for a moment if I was on candid camera. How could Elena not remember her son was coming home? How could she just leave the country? It sounded like Jenner was used to it but that didn’t make it right. I tried to refocus on editing but was getting tired myself and closed everything down and made my way to my room. I knew it was across from Jenner’s but also know he was rarely home, as he lived his own life across the country, apparently with someone he was about to get engaged to. I knew I’d spend the rest of the night trying to figure out why that bothered me.

I tiptoed down the stairs the next morning, not wanting to wake him, but to my surprise he was already up and sipping coffee on the back deck. I’d gotten used to my morning swims and felt rather awkward as I stood in the kitchen in my bathing suit. I had a coverup on but I wasn’t sure I should even be there. The voices in my head must have been louder than I thought because as I debated with myself about what to do, he turned and smiled.

“I thought I heard someone. Morning.”

“Hey.”

“Going for a swim?”

“I thought I might but I can do it later, it’s fine.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Come on out. I didn’t remember you being a swimmer.”

“It’s sort of a recent thing.”

Swimming was not just exercise for me; it also helped me relax and tune out the world and all the voices in my head. 

Jenner, on the other hand, was a state high school champion swimmer and the second alternate for the Olympic team when he was a junior in college, but that’s as far as it went for him. He was the last person in the world I wanted to swim in front of.

“Well don’t let me stop you. In fact, maybe I’ll join you. It’s been a long time since I was in a pool.”

“Really?” I couldn’t imagine him not swimming every day and he certainly still appeared to have the body of a swimmer. 

“Come on.” He sat his coffee down, pulled off his t-shirt and walked toward the pool. I was thankful he didn’t drop his shorts but it was all I could do not to stare at him.

I shrugged then took my cover up off and tossed it on a chair as I walked toward the edge of the pool. Because of Jenner’s abilities they actually had an Olympic sized swimming pool, complete with diving boards and marked lanes for racing. 

“Just so you know,” I said as I stood next to him, very aware of his eyes focused on my body. “I’m not racing you. I do this for relaxation, not competition.”

“Got it,” he grinned and I just rolled my eyes and dove in. I heard his dive behind me and did my best to focus on my breathing and how I was moving my arms. I felt him near but managed to keep going then turned at the other end and headed back. 

After a few minutes we were in almost perfect synch going back and forth across the pool and when I’d had enough I pulled myself up and sat on the edge. He did a few more laps and I couldn’t stop watching. He was a beautiful swimmer and watching his fluid movements was mesmerizing. When he finally stopped and jumped up next to me I could tell he was having fun. 

He smiled as he ran his hand through his hair. “God that felt good.”

“You certainly don’t look like a person who hasn’t been in the pool lately.”

“I guess it’s like riding a bike, ya know? It all just came back to me.”

“So why’d you stop? I mean it’s none of my business but...”

“It’s fine,” he interrupted. “I mean after the Olympic thing I guess I just felt a little defeated and of course, me not making the team didn’t go over well here, so I just decided I’d had enough.”

“Are you telling me you haven’t been in a pool since college?” He nodded. “Wow.”

“I know. It’s kind of hard for me to believe myself sometimes. But honestly, until today, I’d never had the urge.”

“So what changed? And don’t say it was me or I will be forced to slap you.” He laughed.

“I don’t know...maybe just being home, trying to figure out why she forgot about me this time, remembering how I used to use the pool to escape...and maybe I liked the idea of being in the pool with a beautiful woman.” I raised my hand with a grin but he grabbed it and laughed again. “Sorry, but I’m still a guy.”

“Yes, that’s quite obvious.” He was still holding my hand and I didn’t feel like pulling it away. 

“You were always cute in high school, Maggie, but you’ve grown into an absolutely gorgeous woman.”

I pulled my hand away then and reached for a towel. “Uh, thanks.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“It’s fine,” I said as I stood and dried myself. “I should, um, get to work.”

“Can’t you play hooky with me today?”

“And do what exactly?”

“I don’t know...swim, go to a movie, eat...reminisce about high school...something that does not involve me just sitting here getting more pissed at my mother by the second...”

“I guess I could take the day off, but let’s skip that whole reminiscing about high school part, okay?”

He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow but didn’t question my request. “How ‘bout I make us some breakfast?”

I sat down at the bar while he made omelettes and I was impressed at how at ease he was in the kitchen. It seemed like something he truly enjoyed. I made fresh coffee and poured us both some juice then we carried everything back to the deck and sat down across from each other.

“Bon appetit,” he grinned and held up his juice glass in a toast.

I smiled and tapped his glass with mine then took a sip of juice before embarking on the omelette. 

“Do you do most of the cooking at home?”

“I do all of the cooking. I mean it’s just me so...”

“Oh, I thought...I mean you mentioned proposing so I just assumed...”

Jenner had a bit of a reputation as a ladies’ man in high school, and I just figured he was living with his girlfriend if he was close to proposing. It wasn’t a fair assumption to make and I apologized for jumping to that conclusion.

“Actually, we met in culinary school so we do cook a lot together, but I’m not the same guy I was in high school. We don’t live together and I decided a few years ago that I want to wait until I’m married for anything else.”

I was stunned but decided not to dig any deeper into that. I was sure there was a story but instead I focused on the cooking aspect of what he said.

“Culinary school? I’m learning so much about you today, Jenner. How long have you wanted to be a chef?”

He went on to tell me that he wasn’t sure he actually wanted to be a professional chef, but that he’d always loved cooking with the kitchen staff growing up, and since his mother never knew how, he was sure it was a skill he should have. He talked about opening a restaurant and that he and his girlfriend - her name was Cassie - might do it together once they were married, but I couldn’t tell if it was something he truly wanted to do or if he thought it’s what he should do. I also noticed that he didn’t talk about her like she was someone he wanted in his life longterm but I wasn’t about to pretend I knew anything about his life so assumed I was reading too deeply into things.

“If you could do anything in the world,” I asked. “Any job, any career...what would you do?”

He thought about it for a minute while he sipped his coffee, then he glanced toward the pool. “I’d do that,” he sighed. “I’d swim, I’d teach kids how to swim, I’d help kids train for the Olympics...and I’d do it the right way and make sure they were enjoying it, not pressure them or force them to do something they didn’t want to do.” He sighed and looked back at me. “Yeah, that’s my ideal.” My heart broke for him. He clearly had natural swimming talent but it seemed as though he’d been pushed until it was no longer fun, and I hated that for him. “What about you? Was this what you always dreamed of doing? Working for my mother?”

“Not exactly, but it’s not so bad.”

He leaned forward and clasped his hands together. “Look, I love my mother, but I know what she’s like. Everything is about her, and how it makes her look, and what she can get out of it. The fact that she even has a personal assistant is a little pretentious if you ask me. No offense to you, of course, but honestly, she’s never done a day of work in her life, just lived off my dad’s money, and...you know what? Never mind. I don’t want to talk about her.”

“All evidence to the contrary,” I smiled. 

He smiled. “So, what’s your ideal then, Maggie? What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I started to tell him about my dream of becoming a writer and about the novel I’d started many times, but we were interrupted by the door bell, and I offered to get it but he jumped up and beat me to it. I continued eating my omelette and stared out at the pool and was lost in my own thoughts when his voice brought me back to reality.

“Maggie, I’d like you to meet Cassie, my girlfriend.” 

I turned in surprise, as he hadn’t mentioned she was coming, and it was clear from the look on her face she wasn’t happy to find me there. It was also clear on Jenner’s face that he was as surprised as I was she was there. 

I stood and walked to her then put out my hand, mustering every ounce of cheer I could. “Hi! It’s so nice to meet you. Jenner’s told me a lot about you.” It wasn’t totally true but I didn’t know what else to say.

“Well he didn’t tell me anything about you,” she snapped as she looked me up and down. “And I’d prefer it if you’d leave.”

“Cass, she lives and works here.” Jenner was clearly taken aback by her words and her tone of voice, as I was, but I wasn’t about to get in the middle of whatever was going on between them.

“It’s fine, Jenner. I have a lot of work to do anyway. Thanks for breakfast.” I turned to her. “It was nice to meet you, Cassie.” I caught Jenner’s eye as I walked away and I could tell he was sorry and that he didn’t know quite what to do.

As I walked back into the house I could hear them arguing and I felt bad for Jenner. We were having a nice time and his whole mood shifted when she arrived. I couldn’t believe he was thinking about marrying her. They didn’t seem suited for one another at all.

After showering and getting dressed for the day, I started to make my way down to the office where I planned to get back to the book edits and ignore Jenner and his girlfriend but before I was even halfway down the stairs I heard them yelling at each other.

“I did not come here to have some sort of affair! I didn’t even know she was here and I barely know her!”

“That’s not what it looked like, Jenner, and she clearly wants you. Was she one of your little high school tramps?”

I covered my mouth so my gasp wouldn’t be heard but I was appalled by her accusation.

“Hey, don’t talk about her like that. I’ve told you that I’m not the same guy I was in high school and so what if I slept with her back then? So what if I didn’t? She has nothing to do with this, Cass.”

“Then why didn’t you call me last night when you got here? Why didn’t you answer my texts? Any why didn’t you just get the ring and turn around and come home?”

There was a pause and while I felt a little guilty listening in I had to know what he was thinking. 

“How did you know about the ring?” His voice was calmer, almost eerily so.

“Oh please,” she sighed, and I was sure she rolled her eyes based on her tone. “My mom told me you were coming to get it, and it’s about time.”

“Hang on...how could your mother know anything about this?”

“Don’t look so surprised, Jenner. You know our mothers are friends. How do you think our paths just happened to cross?” He must have had a look of complete surprise on his face, much like the one I was sure I had, because her next words were, “You can’t tell me you didn’t know.” I guessed he shrugged his shoulders or shook his head. “Well, I guess you really are the dumb jock after all.”

It was all I could do not to get up and slap her.

“What did you just call me?”

“Your mother said you would never know that this was all planned, that you would assume our crossing paths in those cooking classes was fate or something, but I told her I was sure you knew better. Clearly she was right, as she usually is.”

I felt ill. I wanted to run down the stairs and toss her skinny blonde self onto the front lawn, but as it turned out, I didn’t have to do anything.

“Get out.” His voice was quiet but filled with rage. 

“Oh come on, Jenner. You know this is how it works. Families like ours set things like this up all the time. And really, if you want to have a little fling here and there on the side, it’s fine, but I’d pick someone a little more high class...I mean there are standards, Jenner.”

“Seriously, get out and never talk about Maggie again. Ever.”

“Baby, come on.”

“No. I’m not your baby and we’re done. There will be no ring, there will be no restaurant, there will be nothing more. Get out.”

She laughed, literally laughed out loud, and that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked the rest of the way down the stairs and into the kitchen and saw the horribly sad and anger-filled look on Jenner’s face.

Cassie turned to me when she saw Jenner’s eyes shit in my direction. “What the hell do you want?” 

“I want you to leave.”

“You can’t tell me what to do. This is Jenner’s house, not yours.”

“Technically, I’m in charge of the house when Mrs. Maxon is out and you need to go.” She laughed again and I walked toward her. “I can call the police if you’d like, but let’s not make this any more difficult than we have to.”

“Jenner, can you tell your little pop tart here to back off?”

“First of all,” I said as I stepped closer to her, the thought of slapping her at the forefront of my mind. “I’m not his anything, and second of all...”

“Second of all,” Jenner interrupted. “I don’t want you here or anywhere else. Go home, Cassie.”

She crossed her arms and lifted her head then made some little “harrumph” sort of sound and turned toward the front door. She turned back when she reached the door and looked down at the bags she’d dragged in earlier. When neither of us moved to help her she sighed dramatically then picked them up, opened the door and slammed it on her way out.

I didn’t want to be the first to speak and for almost two full minutes after she’d left Jenner and I just stood there staring at the door, possibly to ensure that she wasn’t going to come back through it.

“How much did you hear?” 

“I heard enough,” I said as I turned and looked him in the eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed and turned toward the back yard. “I think I’ll go for a swim.”

I watched him in the pool for 10 or 15 minutes then decided to head to the office while he worked through everything that had just happened. When he appeared in the doorway a couple of hours later he’d showered and changed but looked like he might cry at any moment.

“Hey.”

I smiled as I met his eyes. “Hey.”

“You wanna get out of here for a while?”

“Sure.” 

I grabbed my purse and followed him to the garage. I knew there were several cars behind the doors but had never bothered taking a look since I had my own car parked in the small lot behind the house. I couldn’t help the gasp that escaped my lips when he flipped on the lights and I saw the fleet of expensive and exotic vehicles.

“My dad was a collector.”

“Wow.”

“Come on.”

I followed him to the other end of the garage and a vintage Porsche convertible. He opened the passenger door and I grinned like a little kid as I slid in. “You approve?” I nodded as he sat down behind the wheel. “I’m glad,” he smiled then started the engine. I pulled my hair up on top of my head as he pushed the button to open the garage door behind us, and a few minutes later we were sailing down the open road.

I didn’t say anything as it seemed like he didn’t want to talk, and I was just enjoying the feel of the car as the scenery passed by. At some point I began to drift off to sleep, only waking when the car started to slow. I stretched my arms above my head and glanced at Jenner as I realized where we were. 

Technically it was Garfield Point but when the sun went down it was known by couples everywhere as Lover’s Lookout, and while it was broad daylight it still felt weird being there with him.

“Don’t look so freaked out,” he smiled as he pulled into a parking spot. “There’s a trail over there that leads down to the river.”

“I know.” The last time I’d been there I was a kid and my parents and I had walked down to the water and had a picnic. I never dated in high school or college so I’d never experienced it as anything other than a family spot. 

We made our way to the steps that led to the trail and when he offered his hand to help me over the rocky part at the beginning I gladly took it. I started to pull away once we were on the path but he held on and looked at me with his sad eyes so I just nodded and kept walking. It seemed clear he just needed someone to hold onto, to be connected to, even if just for a few minutes.

He led me further down the path than I’d been with my parents then turned into a wooded area away from the main trail. I was a little nervous because the fact still remained that I didn’t know Jenner that well and I’d still never dated or done much of anything with a guy. I liked the way my hand felt in his but I was trying not to read too much into it. I knew he was hurting and trying to make sense of what had happened and I just wanted to be there as a friend to listen and support him in whatever way I could.

Just when I thought the woods would never end he led me into a clearing and I smiled as I let go of his hand and took in the beauty of the mountains in the distance, the stillness of the river and the sun hitting both. I turned around and smiled and was happy to see him smiling, too. “Jenner, it’s beautiful.”

“I used to come here a lot.”

“I can see why.”

“Come on, there’s a good place to sit over here.”

I walked behind him to the spot he was talking about and could see what he meant. A huge tree had grown in an awkward angled way which provided shade and some giant roots to lean against while enjoying the view. He sat down but I felt like exploring a bit and wandered toward the bank of the river, well aware once again that he was watching me. I glanced back and smiled at him every now and then and he seemed happier just being there.

After 15 minutes or so I made my way back to him and sat down in front of him. “Thank you for bringing me here.” He nodded. “Are you feeling better?”

“I mean you know...my mother manipulated my love life then wasn’t even here to own it so...”

“i wish I knew what to say.”

“There’s nothing to say, but thank you. And thanks for indulging me today. I know I took you away from your work.”

“The work will still be there when we get back,” I smiled. “And I think I needed a break, too. I haven’t left the house since I took your mom to the airport.”

“What are you working on for her anyway?” I tilted my head because I was certain he knew about the book. “Don’t look so surprised. Clearly my mother and I don’t talk much and aren’t on the same page about much of anything.”

“She wrote a book, and I’m editing it.”

“I’m sorry, she wrote a book?” I nodded. “What kind of book?”

“It’s, um...it’s about your father.”

“And how she drove him to an early death?”

His words took me by surprise. “Jenner, she loved him. The book is their love story. His death nearly killed her.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Have you ever talked to her about it? I mean you were pretty young when he died, right?” He shrugged. “You should read it when we get back.”

“Pass. She may have you fooled, and may even fool the public, but I know the truth.”

“I’m not going to pretend to know what it was like for you, Jenner, but every conversation I’ve had with her about it and every word I’ve read...well, it seems pretty sincere and honest.”

“Whatever.” He pushed himself up and started to walk away. “I’ll be back in a bit.” 

I didn’t bother trying to stop him, just nodded as he started to wander toward the water. I turned and leaned back against the tree then pulled the book I’d been reading from my purse and got lost in the story. Nearly an hour passed before Jenner returned and I was honestly starting to get a little worried. In fact, when he walked up I was at the edge of the river bank looking as far down it as I could to see if I could see him.

“Hey.” I jumped when I heard his voice. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Where have you been?!” I was certain my voice was too loud and too shrill and I blushed when he started to smile. “I was worried.”

“I’m sorry. I just...this has been the weirdest trip home ever and I guess I needed some time to think. I’m sorry for just wandering off and leaving you here by yourself. You’ve been nothing but nice to me, someone you have no reason to be nice to, and I’ve been a complete jerk.”

“Not a complete jerk,” I winked.

He smiled and turned toward the water and sighed. “Man, I could stay here forever, couldn’t you?”

As if on cue my stomach growled and I blushed again as I put my hand across my abdomen. “Uh, no.”

He laughed and seemed as relaxed as he’d been when he got out of the pool earlier in the day, which seemed like another lifetime. “I guess it has been a while since breakfast. Come on, I’ll take you to dinner.”

We walked hand-in-hand back to the car and once we were en route he reached for my hand and I smiled as I slid my fingers through his. We didn’t talk about it but it felt natural and try as I might I couldn’t help but analyze what it all meant. I closed my eyes to try to stop my brain from spinning, telling myself he’d be gone in a couple of days and none of it would actually matter. I imagined we could be friends on some level but didn’t expect anything more than that.

We never made it to dinner because on our way home I received a text from Jenner’s mother alerting me to her early return later that evening. The guilt I felt for playing hooky was great and I asked him to drive us straight home. He insisted on ordering pizza while I made sure everything was in order in the house. The housekeeper had been there but I’d been a little lax in keeping the office in order since I was sure I had several weeks to get it back to normal.

“It’s my fault she’s coming home,” Jenner said when he forced me to stop and eat. “Somehow she knows about Cassie and whatever that all was. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I offered but I honestly had no idea what to expect. Would Cassie tell her mother some sort of story about me and Jenner? Would I even have a job or a place to live when the night ended? Would Jenner be forced to marry that horrible girl? 

After I felt like the office was in decent shape I took a deep breath and sunk down into the love seat across from the desk. Jenner appeared moments later with coffee and sat down next to me. “Thought you could use this.”

“Thanks,” I smiled then took a long sip. “You doing okay?”

“I can handle my mother,” he grinned then took a drink from his mug. 

“Yes, clearly,” I teased. 

“Shut up,” he laughed and leaned his shoulder against mine.

“Other than your girlfriend’s appearance this morning, this has been a pretty great day.”

“Yes it has; one of the best I’ve had in a long time.” He slipped his hand into mine and I closed my eyes as I put my head on his shoulder.

I woke up to the sound of Mrs. Maxon’s voice and it wasn’t pleasant. “So, Cassie was right. For God’s sake, Jenner, the help? Really?”

I felt as small as I’d ever felt as I started to pull my hand from his. “Stop, mother,” he said and squeezed my hand. “I’m a grown man and you don’t get to make my choices anymore.”

“I do when I fund your life.” She then looked at me with eyes I’d never seen. “And in case there was any doubt, you’re fired.” I was starting to think Jenner was right about her and that the book was more fiction than truth. I felt ill. “Go pack your things.”

I thought about saying I was sorry, that I had nowhere to go, and a variety of other things but as it turned out, I didn’t have to say anything. “If she goes, I go. And I mean forever, mother. If that’s what you want, then I’m happy to pack my things, too.”

She sighed and sat down in the chair across from us. “Must you be so dramatic, Jenner? I just flew a long way to make sure you hadn't completely lost your mind but it seems clear that I’m too late. Do whatever you want, just like your father.”

“That was a low blow, even for you. You know you pushed him away.”

“He ran.”

“Whatever.” He stood and pulled me up next to him. “We’ll be gone by morning.”

She didn’t even try to stop him and I knew she wasn’t kidding about my status. I held the tears at bay until Jenner and I walked into my room and then I turned in his arms and completely broke down.

“I’m so sorry, Maggie. This is all my fault.” I couldn’t even respond because yes, it was his fault, but I didn’t have to go with him, and I certainly didn’t have to start falling for him. That was all on me. 

“I don’t have anywhere to go, and I can’t afford a hotel or anything. My parents don’t live here anymore and they’re on a cruise right now so I can’t even call them.”

“I’ll take care of it; don’t worry. She talks a big game but she’s not going to cut me off, and even if she did, I have my trust from my dad and the other one from my grandfather that she can’t touch. I’ve never dug into them but believe me, it will be fine.”

He helped me get all my things back in the suitcases and boxes I’d brought them in, then I watched him pack his suitcase, throwing in a few things from his old room that he’d never taken the first time he left. 

We talked all night as we worked and at some point I agreed to go back to California with him and since I had a car, we agreed to road trip and get to know each other on the journey. I was certain it wasn’t the best idea I ever had but also liked the idea of the adventure.

I honestly didn’t expect to stay in California indefinitely, and certainly didn't expect to just move in with Jenner, but he had a nice place that had a separate apartment over the garage and after two weeks it started to feel like home.

I’d had long conversations with my mom about everything and while she wasn’t so keen on me basically living with Jenner, she said it was probably time I ran away and experienced life away from my home town. I also had numerous conversations with my sister about Jenner and what I was feeling and how all we ever did was hold hands but we were definitely more than friends. 

I got a part-time job at a bookstore because I wasn’t about to let him just pay for everything and I knew there was no way I could just sit on the beach all day no matter how beautiful it was. Jenner got a day job at the beach club, teaching kids how to swim, and continued practicing his cooking at night, occasionally helping out friends from culinary school when they needed extra hands in the kitchen. He even taught me a few things so I could fend for myself in the kitchen when he wasn’t around. Mostly though, he cooked and we enjoyed eating together and getting to know each other even more.

Six months passed before I even blinked twice and somewhere around Christmas his mother showed up out of the blue. I happened to be walking up when she hopped out of a cab. “Mrs. Maxon?” Jenner had received a text or two from her but never responded and to my knowledge, he hadn’t communicated with her since we left. 

“Hello, Maggie.” She was serious but not hostile.

“Did Jenner know you were coming?”

“No, dear, but I felt it was time. Is he home?”

“I’m honestly not sure. I’ve been at work all day.”

“I do feel bad about how things ended, Maggie. You really were an amazing assistant.”

“Thank you,” I smiled. “I appreciate that. But honestly, it was time for me to spread my wings. You gave me the push I didn’t know I needed. And I appreciate the bonus you put in that last check.”

“It was the least I could do.”

We stood in an awkward silence for a moment or two and it was the sound of Jenner’s voice that snapped us back to reality.

“Mother?”

We turned to the front door of the house where he stood, open mouthed, at the sight of the woman who’d given him birth.

“Well, I’ll let you two talk,” I said and turned toward the garage.

Mrs. Maxon tilted her head and her eyes held a question in them. “I thought you lived here with my son.”

“I live in the apartment over the garage.”

“Oh.” I could see the surprise in her eyes, as she clearly thought we were actually living together, which was understandable considering how we left things. “Well, it was nice to see you, Maggie.” I smiled and nodded.

“You too, Mrs. Maxon.” I looked toward Jenner. “I’ll talk to you later.” He nodded, still in shock that his mother was standing there and also being civil, almost nice, to me.

It was hours later, somewhere around midnight, when he knocked on the door. I was still awake, anticipating him, and when I opened the door he actually looked happy.

“Hi,” I smiled.

“Take a walk with me.” His smile was different somehow and I nodded then slipped a sweatshirt on and put my phone and keys into my pockets. He took my hand as we hit the beach and I felt my heart flutter at this touch, as it quite often did. “Have I told you how happy I am that you came back here with me?”

“Maybe once or twice,” I teased as I leaned into his shoulder. 

“And you’re happy, right?”

“Maybe the happiest I’ve ever been.”

“And we’re good together right? I mean we just seem to fit.”

“Where are you going with this, Jenner?”

He led us to a bench where we sat quite often to talk or, on many nights, to just sit. He turned to me and took my other hand then took a deep breath and smiled. “I love you, Maggie, and I’ve known it for quite some time. And I don’t know how my mother knew, but she did, and she flew out here so I could do this right.” He let one hand go and pulled what was clearly a ring box from his pocket.

“Jenner,” I sighed as my heart began to beat faster.

“I know nothing about this has been traditional, but I think you know we belong together, and I’m not saying we should get married tomorrow but Maggie, I can’t imagine not spending my life with you.” He opened the box to reveal the most beautiful ring I’d ever seen and my eyes filled with tears as the smile on my face grew larger. “Marry me?”

I nodded and blinked my eyes to clear them of the tears. “I love you, too, Jenner, maybe since the moment you rescued me from your mother and my old life.”

He smiled as he slid the ring on and I think we were both surprised at how perfectly it fit. He squeezed my fingers then put his other hand on my cheek and wiped the tears with his thumb. I closed my eyes as he slid his hand behind my head and leaned in to kiss me for the first time.

We said our I Dos in the exact same spot eight months later and I was as happy as I’d ever been. He’d kissed me a lot since we got engaged but there was something special about our first kiss as husband and wife.

“So, my beautiful wife, are you ready to take this adventure with me?”

“I think I made that clear when I got in the car with you to drive across the country.”

“Technically I got in the car with you,” he teased.

"Details,” I grinned then welcomed his lips to to mine.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Meet You Halfway.

We arrived in town a day early and I decided to use my rare free night to take a walk through the neighborhood near my hotel. I knew there was the chance that I’d be recognized but I didn’t mind and actually enjoyed it most of the time. When I turned down a quiet side street I had no idea my past would come along but as I approached a small art gallery there it was, in beautiful black and white photos. I hesitated before stepping inside, wondering if Frankie was there, but I couldn’t help myself and pushed the door open. 

I smiled as I looked at the familiar faces and the streets I’d left so many years earlier. There was Mrs. Jackson in her old-school waitress apron and hat, smiling from behind the counter as she’d done every morning for more years than I’d been alive. And Mr. Hammer holding court in the corner booth. He was 90 if he was a day, and he’d always been the most charming man in town. They’d both passed on and I wondered when the photos were taken. A quick glance at the descriptions told me they were more than 10 years old, and I took a quick breath as I wondered who else I might see.

I smiled as I looked at our high school choir director leading what could have been his last group, his hair sticking out in all directions as it always had, and his smile as big as life. There was the football coach and his son, who’d gone on to do big things in the NFL, and an empty football field where I’d spent many Friday nights. I smiled as I ran my hand over the stands then moved on to photos of downtown storefronts, a few other residents I recognized, a couple of dogs, and the park where I’d played as a kid. 

I stepped to the back wall and smiled when I saw a younger version of myself, homecoming queen crown and all, laughing at something one of my friends had said. The picture had originally run in the school paper and somewhere I had a copy in a box, long yellowed and long forgotten. I shifted my eyes to the next photo and the tears came instantly as I looked into my brother’s eyes, so young and full of life, ready to face the world as he fought for our country. I’d been standing next to Frankie when he’d taken that one at the airport the day we said goodbye to Zach, the last day any of us saw him alive.

I wiped the tears as I stood there, unable to move on, unable to forget the day we got the news. We’d already lost my dad to cancer and losing Zach was more than my mom could take. She retreated into a world of alcohol and silence and I struggled through the last semester of high school, hoping she’d come out of it at some point. She didn’t, and my grandmother flew in from New York and swept me away into a life vastly different from the one my parents had planned. 

I gasped when I saw the next photo, my mother, older but smiling despite the fact that her whole family had left her in one way or the other. My grandmother prevented me from contacting her, as she felt it would just pull me down, and after a while it became easy to pretend she’d died, too, even though I knew she was very much alive. I stepped toward the photo and saw my eyes, my nose, and even my hands. 

“She misses you.”

I jumped at the voice behind me and nearly fell over as I turned and stared into the eyes of the first - and possibly only - love of my life. They were older but the flecks of gold were still there and they still drew me in as they crinkled with his smile.

“Frankie,” I smiled.

“Hey, Lizbet.”

No one other than Frankie had ever called me Lizbet, and the memory filled my heart as tears filled my eyes. When we’d met in nursery school it was too hard for him - and most kids - to say Elizabeth, and somehow he settled into Lizbet and it just stuck. Most of the other kids called me Beth, which is what I ended up calling myself as I got older, but with Frankie I was always Lizbet.

I wiped the tears from my face as he stepped closer and I melted into him as he pulled me into his arms. I’d left him, too, when I flew away with my grandmother, and while we were young and probably not destined to be together forever, it broke my heart. I wanted to stay in touch but my grandmother told me I needed to leave it all behind and as we held each other close I wondered what my life would have been like if I’d refused to go with my grandmother, if I’d fought for the life I had there, if I’d done so many things different.

I leaned my head back and looked up into his face, smiling as he brushed some hair from my eyes. “Lizbet Carmichael.” I blushed. “Pardon me, B Carmichael.” When I first got into the music business there was another fairly established artist named Beth Carmichael so a friend suggested I shorten my name to B and that’s what most people knew me by. He winked and I shook my head as I pulled away. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“I live here, have for years.” I nodded then turned back to the wall, staring once again into the face of my mother. 

“The photographs are beautiful, Frankie. Your eye was always good.” I didn’t know what more to say, what to do...it had been so long and I still carried a lot of guilt about leaving and never coming back. I had a great career, good life, and didn’t want for much of anything, but home was still there and I always knew it would come calling one day. The tears returned and I started to shake as I realized how much I’d lost.

“Come on,” Frankie said and put his arm around my shoulder and started guiding me toward a door in the corner.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” I sniffed. “I just...I wasn’t expecting any of this when I went out tonight and...I don’t know...it’s like stepping back in time and there are so many memories and I am the worst daughter and friend ever!”

“Oh my god, Lizbet, you aren’t.” He pulled me back into his arms and I held on tight, reaching for a box of tissues as he did. “You had to go, and your mom knows it, I know it...it was right what your grandmother did. She knew you were destined for great things and look at you now.”

I couldn’t help but laugh as I wiped more tears and blew my nose. “Yeah, I’m awesome.” He laughed and squeezed me tight and part of me wanted to stay there forever.

“Uncle Frankie...” I jumped when I heard a child’s voice then turned and saw a little girl standing in her pajamas at the back door, which apparently led to some sort of living space.

“I thought you were sleeping,” Frankie smiled as he pulled away and scooped her up into his arms. 

“Mommy’s crying woke me up.” I strained to remember Frankie’s family and for the life of me couldn't remember a brother or sister. I’d always thought he was an only child.

“I should go,” I whispered and started to leave when the little girl recognized me. 

“It’s B! Uncle Frankie, it’s B!”

“I know, sweetheart,” he smiled and kissed the little girl’s cheek. I’d won the hearts of children of all ages when I’d shifted from alt rock to pop music and one of my songs had been picked up by Disney. I’d been on every show, sung with muppets and animated creatures, and it had truly changed my life. “B and I went to school together.”

“No way!” She wriggled out of his arms and ran to me, and I knelt down and wrapped my arms around her. “I love you, B!”

“You are very sweet, young lady. Now, what’s your name?”

“Evie,” she said then put her hand out to me. “I’m seven.”

“Well it’s very nice to meet you, Evie.”

“Are you Uncle Frankie’s girlfriend?”

I saw Frankie blush and run his hand through his hair then shook my head. “I used to be...a long time ago, but now we’re just...we’re friends I guess.”

“Yes,” he said as he knelt down beside us. “Definitely friends. Now, let’s get you back in bed, okay?”

“But I wanna talk to B!”

“How ‘bout this?” I smiled. “You and your mom and Uncle Frankie can be my guests at my show tomorrow night, and we can talk more then. How does that sound?”

She squealed and threw her arms around my neck and I couldn’t help but hug her little body close. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you!”

“I love you, too.”

“Come on, munchkin,” Frankie grinned and pulled her back into his arms. “Give me a few minutes, okay?” I nodded and watched him walk back to the door then heard him climb the stairs. 

“Goodnight, B!”

“Goodnight, Evie!”

I looked around the office and found a portfolio with more pictures like the ones in the exhibit and was transported back home once again. I was overwhelmed by how much I remembered and how much I’d forgotten. There was the jungle gym in the park where I’d fallen and broken my arm, the gazebo where Frankie and I first kissed, and Frankie’s dad’s classic car collection. 

“Sorry if the photos brought back some stuff you wanted to forget.” He sat down next to me and gently rubbed my back.

“I needed to remember,” I breathed and turned to look at him.

He looked as if he might kiss me and I thought for a moment that I might do the same, but we both brought ourselves back to reality about the same time. “So, what are you really doing here? I mean I know you have a show, but how did you get to the gallery?”

“I think it must have been fate that led me here. I mean I was just out and about and happened to turn down this street.”

“Well, I’m very glad you did.” He put his hand on mine and I felt so many things that for a second I forgot how to breathe, but then I turned my hand over and wrapped my fingers around his.

“Me, too.”

“So, I don’t remember you having any siblings, but you have a niece...”

“Right, Evie...her mom is a friend.”

“Just a friend?” I raised my eyebrows and smiled, teasing him a bit.

“Yes, nosey. Just a friend. We went to art school together and she’s had it pretty rough. Her latest boyfriend just kicked her and Evie out and I let them crash here until she gets back on her feet.”

“You’re a good friend.” I squeezed his hand and started to pull away but he held on.

“I’m sorry I never tried to get in touch.”

“Me, too. I wanted to, Frankie, I really did.”

“Well, you’re here now,” he smiled and again I thought he might kiss me but instead he cleared his throat, pulled his hand away and stood up. “And I think I read that you’re engaged, is that right?”

I’d nearly forgotten my real life existed and hadn’t thought once about Tim since I’d been there. I stood and we walked back into the gallery since it was getting a bit too tense in the office.

“The magazines have a good imagination. I’m not engaged but I am involved with someone. He thinks it’s more serious than it is, and he did propose, but I told him it was too soon. I mean we’ve known each other for a long time and have been together for a couple of years or so but...”

I wasn’t sure why I’d told him so much and from the way he was staring at me it was clear it surprised him, too. “Sorry, that was a lot of information.”

“I’ve missed that,” he smiled.

“What?”

“Your rambling on and on...” 

I smiled, as it was something he always found endearing and something that drove Tim and a lot of people in my present life crazy. “I miss this,” I said, waving my hand back and forth between us. “Us.”

“I always wondered if our paths would cross again someday, and here you are in my gallery.”

“Here I am...”

I’m certain he was about to kiss me, and I’m certain I wanted him, too, but my phone rang and pulled us both out of the moment. I knew it was Tim without looking since we hadn’t talked yet and we always talked at some point every night. I sent it to voicemail but knew it was probably time to get back to reality. “I guess I’d better get going.”

“Sure, yeah.”

We started walking toward the door. “But I meant what I said about tomorrow night. I’ll put your name on the guest list. Just go to the box office and they’ll have everything for you there...tickets, passes, whatever...”

“That’s really sweet of you. Evie will be thrilled. I’ve always heard how generous you are with your fans.”

"She’s a sweet little girl, and I’m happy to do it, but you know you’re not just a fan, right? Gosh, I don’t even know if you like my music!” I laughed and he blushed and looked away for a second then turned back and reached for my hand.

“I like it,” he smiled then stepped a little closer and ran his finger under my chin. “And I like you.”

“I like you, too,” I breathed as my skin began to warm. 

He leaned in and pressed his lips against my cheek then lingered for a few seconds. “I’ve really missed you.”

“Me, too.”

I found it hard to say goodbye even though I knew I’d see him again the next night. I made sure we had each other’s information so we wouldn’t lose touch and we shared a long embrace before I finally made my way back to the hotel. Tim called again while I walked but I wasn’t ready to talk to him and sent his call to voice mail once more. 

It’s not that I didn’t like Tim. We always had a good time together but I didn’t feel what I always thought I’d feel when I found the one. There were no butterflies, no flutters, no fireworks...when we weren’t together, as happened earlier in the evening, I often forgot we were even a couple. 

We’d been introduced years earlier by my agent - Tim’s an agent, too - and we obviously have a lot in common but he’s never been someone I want to prioritize and after spending a couple of hours with Frankie I knew it wasn’t fair to keep going the way we had been. When I got to my room I took a long shower and got ready for bed then listened to his messages.

Hey, sweetie. Just me. Hadn’t heard from you today and wanted to check in. What are you doing on your night off? Wish I could have met you but I’ll see you soon. Love you and miss you. Call me later.

Hey there, me again. It’s not like you not to call. Is everything okay? Joey didn’t know where you were when I called. Please let me know that you’re okay. I love you.

There was another message that I didn’t even realize had come in, from my manager Joey, and I gave him a quick call before getting into things with Tim. 

“I tried to tell him you were fine and that you were probably just out enjoying the city, but he was worried.”

“It’s fine, Joey. Thanks.”

“So what were you doing? It’s pretty late, B.”

“I found a cool gallery and ended up spending a lot of time there. Anyway, I better call Tim before he calls the National Guard or something.” 

“Is everything okay with you two? You sound more annoyed with him than usual.” 

I hadn’t realized he’d ever paid that much attention.

“I just need to talk to him.”

“Got it. Well, let me know if you need to talk later. I’ll be up for a while. Otherwise, I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Thanks, Joey. Oh, I need to put some friends on the list for tomorrow, backstage the whole deal.”

“Sure. Just email me the names.”

“You’re the best, thanks!”

“No problem. ‘night, B.”

I was just about to call Tim when the phone rang and of course, it was him.

“Hey,” I answered.

“I’ve been calling you all night! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Tim. I’m sorry if I worried you.”

“You should have at least texted me back if you couldn’t talk. You’re sure you’re okay?”

“I promise that I’m fine. I was just wandering the city and found an art gallery and ended up staying longer than I expected to.”

“So I was thinking I might fly out for the show tomorrow.”

“Oh?” I started to freak out because if he was there then I couldn’t spend time with Frankie and Evie.

“You don’t seem excited about it.”

“It’s not that...well, maybe it’s a little bit that...”

“I see.”

I sighed heavily. “The thing is, Tim, this thing between us...it’s not going anywhere, and I don’t have the same ideas about our future that you do. I just don’t want to lead you on in any way.”

“What exactly happened to you tonight?”

It wasn’t like me to be so direct so his question was quite valid. “I guess you could say I found some enlightenment. I don’t want to hurt you, Tim, but I think you know that we’d be better off as friends.”

“I guess you turning my proposal down more than once should have been my clue.”

“I really am sorry.”

“Me, too.”

I heard the disappointment in his voice and felt how hurt he was as he said goodbye, but we both knew it was the right thing. I wasn’t certain Frankie was the right thing either but I knew I owed it to myself to explore my options.

I tucked myself into bed all the way then turned off the lights but I couldn’t shut off my brain as easily and tossed and turned for an hour or so before I got up and reached for my phone. I debated texting Frankie but in the end I did it and he replied back right away.

Frankie: Couldn’t sleep?

Me: Hardly. It was quite a night.

Frankie: For me, too.

Me: I still can’t believe it.

Frankie: I believe it but it’s still pretty amazing.

I thought about how to reply, what path to steer the conversation down, but while I waited he wrote again.

Frankie: Can I ask you about one of your songs?

Me: Of course!

Frankie: Meet You Halfway. Is that about me?

Me: Maybe.

I smiled as a blush broke out on my cheeks. I was sort of glad he couldn't see me at that moment.

Me: I mean I guess it’s about several people and meeting half way between a variety of places but mostly it’s about us, our youth, all of that...

“Meet you halfway?” was something we used to say when we were talking on the phone as kids and even into high school. Our houses were equidistant from the park and we’d meet regularly at the swings or even just at the picnic tables. Inevitably, at some point in our near nightly conversations, one of us would say, ‘Meet you halfway?” and we’d meet in the park. We’d swing, talk, kiss a little when we were older, and sometimes we’d just walk around holding hands. 

Frankie: I always wondered but didn’t want to assume.

Me: Now can I ask you something?

Frankie: Sure.

Me: Why didn’t you ever try to get in touch? I mean not when we were younger but after that, in the last few years? You didn’t think I forgot you, did you?

Frankie: I never thought that but I guess I just figured you had your new life and you wouldn’t need the likes of me coming around.

Me: The likes of you? Do you even know how much I liked you? 

Frankie: Maybe. 

Me: I mean I know we were young but Frankie...leaving you was the hardest part.

Frankie: If I’d tried to find you would you have even taken my calls? Set a meeting with me?

Me: Of course.

Frankie: Come on. If you hadn’t stumbled into my gallery tonight, would you have ever tried to find me?

Me: I don’t know...maybe. Maybe not. But it doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you. I just figured you wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. I figured you were mad that I’d just left and after so many years I figured you were married with kids, happy...

Frankie: We’ve sure spent a lot of time not trying to find each other.

Me: Yeah.

Frankie: Can we stop now? I mean aren’t we found?

I smiled and wished I could put my hand on his cheek and lean in and kiss him.

Me: We are.

Frankie: I wish you were here.

Me: Meet you halfway?

Frankie: I thought you’d never ask.

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

Shortcake.

I’d just settled into my couch with a big bowl of popcorn and a bottle of water, ready to start a movie, when the doorbell rang. I pushed pause and got up, annoyed at whomever was interrupting my perfect Friday night. I knew there were only a handful of people that would dare ring my doorbell without calling first. It wouldn’t be my mother as her priority was never me, always her latest boyfriend, and last I knew they were on a 14-day cruise to some tropical island I’d never heard of. If she were actually in town she’d probably forgo the knocking and just barge right in. My father would knock but I knew he wouldn’t be there either because he and his husband were still on their honeymoon. No, the only person that could possibly be outside my door at 9:15 on a Friday night was Trevor.

“Hey,” I said as I opened the door, stopping before I continued speaking since he was standing there in a tuxedo with an open bottle of champagne. I had no idea what to say.

“Kimberly!” he beamed then stepped inside and picked me up and spun me around a time or two.

“Trevor, what in the world? Put me down.”

“Get dressed.”

“I am dressed.”

“Not for your boring Friday night routine,” he whined. “For a night on the town with me!”

“What is going on?”

“Get dressed and I’ll tell you.” I’d never seen him so giddy.

“Tell me and I’ll think about getting dressed.”

“Pleeeeeaaaaaase,” he whined again and I knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t be deterred. 

“Fine,” I said, giving in as I stood. “This better be good since as you can see, I’m already dressed for bed and have to figure out what to wear to look good enough to be out with you and your tuxedo.”

“Wear the red dress,” he smiled. “You know the one.”

I smiled. “How do you even remember that? You weren’t exactly sober that night.”

“I remember because you were wearing it.” He smiled, I blushed, and I wasn’t completely sure what he meant by his words.

Trevor and I had known each other since we were kids and actually dated for a while in high school and college but decided we were better off as friends. Mostly I think we just weren’t ready for anything serious, and we’d talked about things a couple of times since we we made our decision, but it had been a few years and until that moment I would have said we were nothing more than very good friends.

I’d worn the red dress in question to a fancy Christmas party his company had a few years earlier, one he dragged me to under very little duress. He proceeded to get very drunk and I spent half the night telling his boss he was under the weather and the other half checking on him in the bathroom. I couldn’t believe he even remembered going, much less what I was wearing. It was a beautiful dress though and after taking a quick shower and slipping into clean undies, I pulled it out and smiled. “Oh why not,” I thought and put it on, found the right shoes, then dabbed on some lip gloss and made my way back to the living room.

“Now,” I smiled as I walked toward him. “Tell me what this is all about.”

He smiled and met me in the middle of the living room then pulled me into his arms as if there were music to dance to. “You look more beautiful in this dress than I remembered,” he breathed. “Maybe we should stay right here.”

“Thanks, Trevor, but we are most definitely going out after your whole song and dance earlier, and as we go, you’re going to tell me exactly what we’re doing.”

I saw a limo when we walked out and couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was up to but followed him nonetheless. Once we were in and the car was in motion he poured the champagne and handed me a glass. 

“To tonight!” He raised his glass and I did the same, then clinked mine against his and took a small sip. “And to me,” he added with a devilish little grin. “Reggie Cole’s new agent.”

My eyes got wide and I sat my glass down. “Trevor,” I smiled. “Oh my god. This is huge!”

I threw my arms around him, nearly spilling his champagne, but he saved it and sat the glass down then wrapped his arms around me. He’d been a sports agent since we were in college and landing the NBA’s reigning MVP was huge. After they’d won the championship the year before Reggie very publicly fired his agent after he discovered the affair he’d been having with his wife. Everyone wanted the account because not only did it come with a lot of money but it meant huge prestige and recognition for whomever signed on the dotted line.

“I didn’t even know you were in the running!”

“No one could say anything. It was a crazy process but he said he liked my integrity and the fact that I didn’t come in begging. It sounds like a lot of people just completely embarrassed themselves trying to become his agent.”

“Trevor, I am so proud of you.” I picked up my glass and he reached for his. “Another toast to my amazing and talented friend. You deserve the best.” We clinked our glasses together again, sipped a little more champagne, and then the limo slowed in front of one of the nicest hotels in the city. I looked at Trevor wondering what we were doing there.

“So, Reggie is having a little party to celebrate...”

“Of course he is,” I grinned and took Trevor’s hand as he helped me out of the car. 

I lost all track of time as we danced and laughed and met people I never could have imagined meeting. We drank very expensive champagne and ate an abundance of delicious food and by the time things started to wind down the sun was starting to rise. I’d never been to such a party in my life and knew the world Trevor was now part of was vastly different than the world either of us had ever known before. Something told me I was going to be a frequent visitor to the world as well.

“Come in and I’ll make us some breakfast,” I said as the limo pulled up to my house.

“How could you possibly eat anything?”

“Have you met me?” We smiled at each other because he knew very well that no matter how much I’d eaten or when, there was always room for breakfast.

He fell asleep on my couch while I cooked and after I got everything on the table I nudged him, but he turned over so I pulled a blanket across him and let him sleep while I ate by myself. I was just about finished cleaning the kitchen when he stepped in, yawning and running his fingers through his hair.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” I smiled.

“Yeah, sorry. I guess I was more tired than I thought.”

“There’s a plate in the oven if you want to eat.”

He put his hand on my shoulder then leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Thanks, Kimmy.”

“You haven’t called me Kimmy in years.”

“Sure I have,” he smiled as he jumped onto the counter with the plate of food.

“I think it’s been since college,” I argued, playfully, as I leaned back against the opposite counter. 

“Huh. I don’t know. I could go back to calling you Short...”

“Don’t you dare,” I said as I jumped toward him and put my hand over his mouth. “That nickname died with my youth and if it’s all the same to you, it can stay dead and buried.”

He’d started calling me Shortcake after his 6th birthday when I refused to eat his mother’s strawberry shortcake because of my allergy. He was upset about it and proceeded to shove the cake into my face after which I shoved cake in his face, and it turned into a full-fledged food fight that ended with me in tears, his friends sent home early, and him in a lot of trouble. After that, he started taunting me at school with the nickname and it didn’t stop until we went to different middle schools. When we showed up at the same high school we were a little older and sort of rekindled our childhood friendship and at some point it turned into something more.

“Did I ever apologize for all of that?”

“I’m sure you did.”

“I was kind of a bratty kid, huh?”

“Yes,” I laughed and leaned against his leg then took a piece of his bacon.

“Hey!” He hit my hand and made an attempt to take back the bacon. I was too fast though, and slipped away as I inhaled the entire piece. Of course I then stated choking on the bacon and he was quick to jump down and hit my back until I coughed it up.

“Serves me right,” I coughed and reached for the water I’d been drinking.

He rubbed circles on my back, clearly concerned. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, other than being stupid and greedy.” I looked back and smiled.

“It’s my fault,” he said and turned me around and brushed some hair from my face then rested his hands on my upper arms. “I’m kind of a bratty adult, too.”

“You’re not,” I smiled and put my hands on his chest. “In fact you’re a pretty amazing adult.”

He started to lean in and had my phone not started to vibrate on the counter I’m sure he would have kissed me. I smiled as I pulled away and if I wasn’t mistaken a blush appeared on his cheeks as he stepped back. I didn’t recognize the number but decided to answer anyway, something I rarely did. I knew I was using the call as a diversion from whatever was about to happen between us.

“Hello?”

“Hello, darling.” I rolled my eyes and leaned back against the counter, unaware that she’d returned from her cruise.

“Mother, hello.” Trevor gave me a thin smile, reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze, knowing exactly how the call was going to go. I smiled back and nodded, silently thanking him for his support, then he went back to the living room and left me to my call.

My mother and I rarely spoke, and when we did it was usually so she could ask why I wasn’t dating, why I wasn’t married, or why I was or wasn’t doing something she thought was or was not appropriate. It had gotten worse over the years but she rarely had a positive comment for me when I was growing up. Since she’d left my father when I was very young, I didn’t have to see her much but she was still my mother so when the occasion called for it, I did my duty. 

“Well, are you going to tell me or do I have to pry it out of you?”

“Tell you what, mother?”

“That you and Trevor are back together.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, mother.”

“Are you telling me it’s not true?”

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

“Why must you lie to me, Kimberly? The picture’s all over the internet, and it’s very clear you’re a lot more than friends.”

“Picture?”

“With that basketball player?”

I vaguely remembered photographs being taken all night, and sort of remembered a few with Reggie and Trevor, but couldn’t imagine why they were online or why she thought what she did.

“It was a party, mother, that’s all. Reggie is Trevor’s new client.”

“Fine, don’t tell me.”

I could have argued the point with her, continued to tell her that there was nothing going on between me and Trevor, but I knew it was futile and honestly wasn’t so sure there wasn’t something going on. 

I sighed and covered my eyes then massaged the top of my nose where my eyes met. “How are you, mother?”

“Oh, I’m wonderful, darling...heading to the Bahamas tomorrow, back in a month or so.” She was forever going somewhere with her latest boy toy, and I’d stopped trying to keep track of both years ago. “And I suppose I better go and finish packing, especially since you’re not going to tell me what’s really going on.”

“Right. Well, enjoy your trip, mother.”

“Ta ta, darling.”

I hung up and immediately searched for the photos and saw right away what she was talking about. There was a photo of us that Reggie had posted, and we all had champagne flutes in the air, toasting the new agreement as I recalled. I was leaning back against Trevor and his hand was around my waist, which could have caused her concern, but what I really noticed was the way his eyes were focused on me and how my free hand was against his cheek. It was a fleeting moment at best but the photo made it look like something it most certainly was not.

I walked into the living room to talk to Trevor about it but he was fast asleep on the couch once more. I curled into my big chair across the room, picked up my book then fell asleep after reading about two paragraphs. I woke up to Trevor gently nudging me and saying my name. 

I sat up and stretched my arms as I yawned. “What time is it?”

“A little after noon,” he smiled. “And I should probably get going.” I nodded then started to push myself up but he reached for my hand to help me up then we started walking to the door. “How did it go with your mother?”

“Oh, you know...” I didn’t want to say anything about the photo. It seemed ridiculous a few hours later and I figured my mother would forget about it once she was ensconced in her island bungalow.

We stopped at the door and he put his finger under my chin and lifted my face up. “Hey, is everything okay? What did she say to you?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I smiled.

“You know you can talk to me, especially about your mother.”

“I know, but I’m choosing to ignore her meddling right now.”

“Good girl,” he grinned and tapped the tip of my nose with his finger. “I’m so glad you came last night.”

“It was a fun night, Trev, thanks. I haven’t stayed out all night since...well, maybe ever.”

“Well, it looks good on you.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek then let his face linger against mine. “And that red dress is still amazing.”

I felt my breath hitch as his words brushed against my ear, and as he pulled back I looked into his eyes and wanted to kiss him so much that I actually stepped backward and nearly fell over. He caught me and I felt embarrassed as I pulled away. “Sorry.”

“Are you sure you’re all right? I can stay...”

“I’m fine, I promise. I probably just need a little more sleep.”

“Right, well, I’ll call you later to check in, okay?” I nodded then he leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Thanks again, Shortcake.”

“Hey!”

He winked and I just shook my head. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“I’m too tired to hurt you right now, but be advised, I will make up for it later.”

He leaned in and kissed my cheek again. “I look forward to it.”

Once he was gone I began analyzing everything from the moment he’d shown up the night before to the kiss on my cheek just before he left. I began to clean, as I always did when I got into my deep analytical mode, and when he called I’d been cleaning for upwards of 5 hours. I’d been over and over everything that happened between us and honestly had no idea what was happening. I couldn’t deny that I felt something when he’d been so close, and that my mother touched a nerve when she intimated that our relationship was more than it was.

“Hey,” I answered as I sunk into the couch.

“I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, I was just doing some cleaning.”

“Cleaning? Or analyzing?” 

He knew me very well and it seemed pointless to pretend. “Fine, I was cleaning while I analyzed because I have no idea what happened last night and earlier today.”

“Yeah, about all of that...I’m sorry for just barging in and imposing and...you know, anything else.”

Why was he sorry? Did he not enjoy our time together? Had I done something to upset him? If only I could stop analyzing every single word he spoke.

“It’s fine, Trev, but I should go.”

“Okay, well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You weren’t quite yourself when I left this morning and I can’t help but think it’s my fault.”

I smiled and sighed. “It’s not your fault, Trevor. It’s mine. It’s always mine. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay.”

I could tell he wasn’t sure about anything and was likely confused about why I’d said it was my fault. The truth was, it happened here and there, that I thought something was happening between us when it really wasn’t. It usually had something to do with my mother’s meddling, as it did this time, and the fact that I hadn’t dated in a while probably heightened my emotions. I’d read too much into everything, as usual, and would now have to separate myself from him for a bit to clear my head. 

“Just tell me one thing, Kim.” He was back to calling me what he usually called me.

“Sure.”

“If your mother hadn’t called this morning...”

“Trevor, don’t. We were tired and not quite ourselves.”

“But if she had not interrupted us...”

“We may have done something we both regretted.” He sighed and I felt tears in my eyes, as if things were ending even though I knew they weren’t. When he didn’t respond I continued. “I’m not going to pretend I haven’t been thinking about exactly that all afternoon, but I think it was right that we got interrupted. My mother does have impeccable timing even if her message is off sometimes.”

The silence between us grew and rather than fill it any further I just let it sit there for what felt like an hour.

“Well, I guess I should let you go,” he sighed and I hated that it seemed like I’d hurt him.

“Dinner tomorrow?” I figured I should say something to change the direction of the conversation.

“I’ll let you know.”

“Okay, well, I’ll talk to you later then.”

“Okay.”

Neither of us hung up and I sensed there was something more he wanted to say. I let the silence grow again then prompted him to continue.

“Trev?”

He sighed again, something he’d done more of in that conversation than I’d ever remembered him doing before. 

“For the record...I wouldn’t have regretted it.” I nearly fell out of the chair. “Bye, Kim.” 

The next sound I heard was the click of him hanging up and I immediately felt my heart begin to break. It felt final, as if he were saying goodbye for the last time, as if the relationship we’d had our whole lives was over. I could have tortured myself and wallowed, wondering where I’d gone wrong and analyzing everything again. But instead I stood up, grabbed my keys, jumped in my car and headed to his house. 

Half an hour later I looked like a crazy person as I pulled into his driveway and ran up to his door. I rang the bell, then started knocking. “Trevor! Trev, it’s me. Please open the door.” When he still hadn't opened the door after several minutes I leaned my head against it then sat down on the steps, defeated. 

I’d left in such a hurry that I hadn’t grabbed my phone so I couldn’t even call him. After waiting almost 45 minutes I started walking back to my car and just as I was about to get in he pulled up. I smiled and took a deep breath as I waited for him to turn off his engine and get out of the car. He started walking toward me and I stood as he reached the steps.

“Hey,” we said at the same time then both smiled a little. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to apologize.”

We sat down and faced each other.

“There’s nothing to apologize for. I was just at your house waiting so I could apologize to you, but when you weren’t there and you didn’t answer your phone I figured...”

“I left my phone at home because I was in such a hurry to get over here. I didn’t like how things ended earlier.”

“I didn’t like it either and I really couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.”

I felt the tears fill my eyes. “I couldn’t bear it either.”

“Come here,” he smiled and pulled me into his arms. “I really am sorry, Kimmy.”

“I’m sorry, too, Trev.”

We held each other for more than a minute, and I for one didn’t want to let go. I had to own that I felt much more than friendship for him but I was scared. Still, I didn’t want to pretend and didn’t want to have another freak out like I’d just had. After another minute or so I lifted my head and looked into his eyes.

“Did you mean what you said? About not regretting things?” He nodded and smiled. 

“But I don’t want to mess things up between us either.”

“I think...I mean...maybe I’d like to see what might be happening here, between us...I mean if you want to. If you don’t, that’s okay. I just...I think I’d regret not telling you that I can’t stop thinking about that moment we almost had.”

His smile got bigger and he moved his hands to my cheeks. “Kimmy,” he breathed as he leaned in. I smiled as I sighed then closed my eyes as his lips touched mine. We’d kissed before, of course, when we’d dated, but this kiss was different, and the flutter in my heart increased as I slipped my arms around him. After a few lovely moments he pulled back and I couldn’t help the smile on my face. “Was that okay?”

“Trev, it was perfect.”

"You’re pretty perfect.” I smiled and he kissed me again. “Wanna come inside?”

I shook my head. “No, I kinda like being right here.”

“I kinda like being right here, too,” he smiled and pulled me into another kiss. “There’s just one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Can I please call you Shortcake? I mean it’s so cute and it suits you and...” I interrupted him with a kiss. “I can’t tell if that’s a yes or no.”

“I don’t really care what you call me as long as you keep kissing me.”

“Deal,” he smiled and started to lean back in. “Shortcake.”

© Carrie M. Medders

[whoimightbe]

The birthday cards.

When he wrapped his hand around mine I saw the future we’d never have flash before my eyes...a kiss, a smile that was just for me, a wedding, children. I’d loved him since I was five years old, but I’d missed my chance; now he was marrying someone else and I had to say goodbye.

“What is it?”

I blushed as though he read my thoughts. “Nothing.”

“I know you better than that, Del. Tell me.”

I turned my head so I could look in his eyes then put my hand on his cheek. “I love you, Patrick. I always have.”

“I know,” he smiled and squeezed my hand as tears filled my eyes.

“I’m sorry I never told you.”

The tears spilled out and I looked down as I wiped them away.

“Why didn’t you?”

I shrugged my shoulders and sniffed, trying to keep the next round of tears at bay. “I guess I always thought you’d say it first.”

Patrick was eight years older than me and I’d first laid eyes on him when my brother Tommy brought him home on the day of my fifth birthday party. I suppose my mom told Tommy he could have a friend so he didn’t have to deal with 12 five-year olds all day. He brought me a birthday card and laughed at my stupid jokes then kissed my cheek and gave me a hug when it was time for him to leave. “Happy Birthday, Adeline.” I was hooked.

From that day on he never failed to bring me a birthday card or send one home with my brother. And I never failed to get one to him either. When he and my brother went off to college he still mailed me cards, which is more than I can say for my brother. When my Sweet Sixteen fell in the middle of his spring break from grad school he brought a card in person and I was certain he loved me, too. 

“So what are you doing to celebrate?” 

“Just hanging out with friends, nothing major.”

“Well, I’m glad I get to wish you Happy Birthday in person this year,” he smiled and reached for my hand. His touch made me shiver and I imagined a future with him, one that I was sure would happen one day...a kiss, love, him holding me close, him asking me to marry him. “Have fun, okay?” 

I nodded and smiled as he pulled his hand from mine. “Thanks, Patrick.”

He nodded and winked then turned to leave. He looked back and for a second I thought he must have realized he loved me and was going to come back to kiss me and pull me into his arms. “Tell your mom, hi.” I tried not to cry as I nodded and a moment later he was gone.

Two years later, when I turned 18, I was sitting in the park crying about the boy who’d broken my heart, mostly because he wasn’t Patrick, when he showed up out of the blue.

“This is no way to spend your birthday.”

I looked up and saw him smiling then jumped up and threw my arms around him. “Patrick!” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer, closer than he probably should have. After a few delightful moments I lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

The last thing I knew was that he’d started a job at the school he and Tommy went to and I realized it must have been spring break. Still, I didn’t know why he was in the park with me.

“I couldn’t miss wishing you a Happy 18th Birthday in person,” he grinned and I wanted to believe I was the only reason he was home. “And my dad’s retirement party is this week so it worked out perfectly.” So, not just there for me. 

That was the first time we actually sat down and talked. I told him everything about the boy I was crying about and he told me about the girl he’d recently broken up with, fueling my imagination about the two of us getting together. He told me about his job and I told him where I’d be going to college in the fall. 

“Make sure you send me your address once you have it. I wouldn’t want to miss your birthday.” He smiled and winked and I blushed. 

“Of course.” 

“Have I ever thanked you for all the cards you’ve given me over the years?” I shook my head. “They always make me smile.”

“It isn’t weird that your friend’s kid sister is sending them?”

“I mean it was a little weird when we were younger but it’s been very sweet for a long time.” He put his hand on mine as it rested on the picnic table and I inhaled a quick breath. “And you’re not a kid anymore.”

For a moment we just sat there, staring at each other knowing that there was something but also knowing it probably wasn’t right. He pulled back first then I brought my hands to my lap and looked down hoping the tears threatening to show up would stay hidden for just a few more minutes.

“Well, I guess I’d better get going. I’m glad I found you.”

“Me, too.” “Oh! I almost forgot...” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small card. “Happy Birthday.” I smiled as I ran my finger across the envelope, tracing my name.

I stood when he did and we walked together toward the edge of the park. “How’d you know I was here anyway?”

“When you weren’t at home I figured you’d be here.” I smiled and nodded. When we reached the edge of the park I knew he’d go left when I needed to go right but I didn’t want to say goodbye. “I had fun hanging out,” he said.

“Me, too. I feel a lot better.”

“And you’re gonna go out and do something fun tonight, right?”

“Promise.”

It was like neither of us really wanted to leave and I stood there imagining that he’d take me out and kiss me goodnight and tell me he’d loved me for years. “Del,” he said, more than once, and snapped me back to reality. “What is it?”

I felt the blush rise on my cheeks and shook my head. “Nothing.”

“I know it’s not nothing, but it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.” 

I wanted more than anything to tell him but I didn’t know how and didn’t need my heart to be broken again. Instead I reached for his hand and he smiled as he wrapped his fingers around mine. I did my best to ignore the surge of energy I felt and pushed the images of a future I wanted to the side. “Thanks for always thinking about me on my birthday.”

“Of course.”

“I...maybe I could call you sometime?”

“Sure.” He didn't seem sure but it was nice of him to say so. “You know, I think about you on other days, too, not just your birthday.”

“Really?” I heard the expectation in my voice, the excitement, the nervousness, and wondered if he did as well. “I think about you, too.”

Another few moments of silence hung between us and I wished more than anything that he’d lean in and kiss me. “Well, I really better go before my mom starts freaking out.”

“Right,” I smiled and started to pull my hand from his. He held on though, then leaned in and pressed his lips against my cheek.

“Happy Birthday, Adeline.” I knew I’d never forget the way his whispered words floated across my ear or how his cheek felt against mine. I knew I’d never forget the flutter in my heart. 

I watched him walk away and stood frozen for several minutes after he was completely out of sight. I didn’t know what it all meant but was sure it meant something and lived on that moment for a long time.

I dated in college, but there was never anyone serious because I always held out hope that my path would cross Patrick’s and things would just work. We still exchanged birthday cards, a few other cards and letters, and a phone call here and there during those four years, but I hadn’t heard from him in a while, and when I read the note in his graduation card I understood why.

You’re graduating! I’m so proud of you, Del. You deserve all the success and happiness in the world. I’m so lucky to know you. I’m sorry I can’t be there but, well, I’m engaged and our party is the same weekend. I didn’t know that until I got your invitation or I would have tried to change it. 

My fiancé’s name is Mari and I don’t know why I haven’t told you anything about her...it felt awkward for some reason but it shouldn't have and I’m sorry. We’ve been dating for a little over a year and she’s amazing. I actually think you’ll really like her and I hope you can meet soon.

Anyway, I hope you have an amazing time celebrating this great accomplishment. Know that I’m thinking about you and wishing I could be there. 

Love, Patrick

I was sobbing by the time I finished reading the card and couldn't believe I’d let myself get so worked up about someone I only really knew through a handful of cards and letters, and someone I rarely saw. I also couldn’t believe how much it hurt.

Two weeks later I sent him a birthday card and didn’t write my usual note inside, just signed my name. I didn’t even say, Love, Adeline, like I usually did. In fact, I just signed it Del. The next piece of mail I got from him was his wedding announcement several months later, and when I looked at the date my eyes filled with tears. He was actually getting married on my birthday. When I tossed the envelope on the table I noticed a hand-written note tucked between the layers of tissue and paper and envelope.

I know what you’re thinking...how could I get married on your birthday, but it’s the date that worked for everything, and I know it’s weird. What I don’t know is why it’s weird. I mean we’re friends right? I think so. I hope so. And I hope you’ll come even though it’s your birthday. Tommy’s standing up as my best man, which you probably already know, and it wouldn’t be right if you weren’t there. Please come. 

Love, Patrick

I was hoping I couldn’t get out of work, that I wouldn’t be able to fly across the country for a few days, but unfortunately I had a flexible boss who had no problem giving me the time and that’s how I ended up standing in front of him the night before his wedding telling him I loved him.

“Please come in.” 

I shook my head as the tears threatened to fall again. “I should go.”

“Will you be there tomorrow?”

“I don’t know.”

He nodded and squeezed my hand again. “I want you to be there but I understand if you can’t.”

We stood there for another few moments and I felt everything slipping away so I pulled my hand from his and wiped a few disobedient tears from my cheeks. “I better go.”

He nodded then looked as if he remembered something. “Wait just a second...” He disappeared into his apartment then came back with a card in his hand. “I was going to give it to you tomorrow but in case you don’t make it...Happy Birthday.”

I smiled as I took it. “In the midst of all of this, on the eve of your wedding, you still managed to get me a birthday card?”

“Of course. Nothing will ever change that.”

“Well, if it doesn’t feel right after tomorrow, don’t worry about it. I’ll understand.”

“It would feel wrong not to wish you Happy Birthday every year, and don’t you even think about not sending me a card when my birthday comes around.” His eyes twinkled as he grinned. “I’ll be mad.”

I nodded and took a step back. “I should really go. Congratulations, Patrick. I really do wish you every happiness.”

“Thanks, Adeline. I wish the same for you.” I nodded and turned toward the elevators. “Hey...” I looked back over my shoulder and saw him pointing to his watch. I glanced at mine and saw that it was 12:05 a.m. “Happy Birthday.”

I smile and nodded then stepped into the elevator and started to break down. I made it to my rental car and completely lost it. Part of me fantasized that he’d realize he loved me, too and come running through the parking lot to tell me how he felt. Most of me knew I just needed to let it go and let him become part of my past. After I calmed myself down I reached for the card and took a deep breath before I opened it. 

Happy Birthday, Adeline.

I’ve been saying that for a long time now, 18 years if my math is correct. Wow. I hope you’re not tired of me. And I hope me getting married doesn’t change this special tradition we have. I know we don’t talk a lot between our cards but I consider you one of my closest friends and can’t imagine you not being in my life. 

All my love, Patrick

I took an earlier flight the next morning, deciding to avoid watching him say his I Dos, and I didn’t return my brother’s calls for several days. I dove deep into work, asking for additional projects to keep me busy. I was stunned two weeks later when my brother showed up in my office. Granted we lived in the same town but he’d never once come there and I just assumed someone died.

“Why haven’t you called me back?”

“I just didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Talk about what?”

“You know what, Tommy. I know you know, so don’t pretend you don’t.”

“If you’re talking about the fact that you and Patrick are in love with each other then yes, yes I do know.”

I stopped breathing for a moment then looked deep into his eyes. “What did you just say?”

“You heard me.”

“But he got married.”

“See, if you’d returned my calls you’d know that he didn’t.”

“What?” I felt like I might pass out and sat down in one of the guest chairs in my office. 

“The funny thing is, it was Mari that called it off. Apparently she found a box of cards and letters from you and realized what was going on.”

I briefly dwelled on the fact that Patrick had kept everything I’d sent him then refocused on my brother.

“But there’s nothing going on, Tommy.”

“Isn’t there?” He smiled and sat down. “Come on, Del. I know we’re not the closest of siblings but I’d have to be blind not to see it, from both of you.”

“But he didn’t say anything...not even when I told him how I felt.”

“I know. He told me.”

“He told you what I said?!”

I felt my face get warm and couldn’t even imagine how deep I was blushing.

“Like I said, it’s not like I didn’t know. Neither one of you are very good about hiding your feelings. So I guess the question is...what are you gonna do about it?”

“What am I supposed to do? I mean why are you here and not him?”

“Because he feels terrible and got dumped on his wedding day and even though he didn't love Mari the way I know he loves you, it still hurt.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s here, at his parents’ house.”

“He’s in town and he hasn’t called me and you haven’t told me any of this until now?!”

“I did try to call, several times.” He smiled and for the first time in years I loved him like a little sister is supposed to love her big brother.

I reached for his hand across the table. “I love you, you know.”

“I know. I love you, too. Now, what are you gonna do about all of this?”

I paced around my office for nearly an hour after he left, trying to figure out what to do. I didn’t want to just show up, but calling seemed lame. It was too early to send a birthday card, but writing something seemed to be the best option since the bulk of our conversation was handled that way. I found a blank note card in the back of cabinet then sat down to write.

Where do I even begin, Patrick?

I could say I’m sorry but I don’t know if that’s true. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt but I’m not sorry you didn’t get married. I could say I’m thrilled to know you feel the same way I do but I’m mad that you let me pour out my heart to you and you didn’t say anything. You just let me leave. And then you were so sweet in that card and I can’t imagine my life without you either but i thought I had to. I thought I had to let you go and that’s what I’ve been trying to do since I walked away from your apartment that night. And no, in case you’re wondering, it has not been working. I think about you all the time.

Did you really keep all my cards and letters? 

I was just about to sign my name when someone knocked on my door. When I looked up it was Patrick and I dropped my pen.

“Did you mean what you said? The night before my wedding?”

“Every word,” I breathed as tears filled my eyes.

He smiled as he walked toward me then reached for my hands and pulled me up. “Say it again.”

“What?” “What you said that night, say it again.”

“I...” I was nervous, shaking, and the tears were starting to slide down my cheeks. “I love you.”

He smiled and let one of my hands go and ran it along my jaw then slid his fingers into my hair. “I love you, too, and I should have said it a long time ago, maybe around your 18th birthday.” I blushed. “But maybe it wasn’t right until now.” He glanced over my shoulder and saw the card I was writing. “Was that for me?” I nodded. “Can I read it?” 

“It’s not finished.”

“That’s okay,” he smiled then reached for the card. I watched as he read the words, holding my breath until he’d come to the end. “So how does it end?”

“You tell me.”

“Adeline,” he breathed as he started to lean in. I closed my eyes as his lips touched mine and I was certain I’d died and gone to heaven. The flutter my heart had felt so many years earlier, the beat it found when Patrick was close by, the way his lips fit in mine...it was everything I’d ever hoped for and when he pulled back he just smiled and leaned his forehead against mine. “I wrote you a card, too, in case you weren’t here or in case I couldn’t say what I wanted to say.”

“You did?” He nodded then reached into his pocket and pulled it out. “Will you read it to me?”

“Sure, but let’s sit.” He lowered himself into one of the guest chairs then pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me. “That’s better.” He held the card out so I could see it, too.

“My sweet Adeline,” he started and I leaned my head against his. “I don’t know when I knew I loved you but I knew how I felt when you walked away the night before my wedding. I knew it was a feeling I didn’t want to have for very long. Mari found your cards and I told her everything, though I think she sensed something before then. I think at first I tried to pretend what I was feeling for you wasn’t real, especially when you were only 18 and I was 26. It felt wrong despite feeling so right. I had a sense that you felt the same way but didn’t want to assume. Your cards and letters for the next few years helped me to know for sure. But I still wasn’t sure and thought I was supposed to be with someone my own age, someone who wasn’t my best friend’s little sister. Foolish me. Look at all the time we’ve wasted. I don’t want to waste a minute more. I love you, Adeline. No, it’s more than that. I’m IN love with you and I want nothing more than for you to be mine forever.”

“I want that, too,” I breathed as I turned in his arms and put my hand on his cheek. “So much.” I leaned in and whispered a kiss across his lips. 

Over the next couple of weeks we spent hours and hours each night talking about everything and fell as deep in love as any two people could fall. We figured out where we wanted to live - he wanted to move home - and talked about marriage and kids and approximately two weeks after he’d walked into my office he knelt down and slid a ring onto my finger.

After I said yes and kissed him for a very long time, we cuddled together on the couch. “There’s something I’ve wanted to ask you forever,” I said.

“I’ve got no secrets, Del. Ask me anything.”

“What made you bring me a birthday card that day 18 years ago? I mean I was five years old and you were 13. Who does that?”

He laughed and pulled me a little closer. “All these years later and you finally asked.”

“Do you think you might provide me an answer?”

“I guess my mom just raised me right.”

“Remind me to thank her when we break the news to them.”

“What made you start giving Tommy cards to give to me?”

“Oh, well I just thought you were cute,” I teased and we shared a laugh and a few more kisses. 

We got married at the exact midpoint between our two birthdays the next year and for the first time we shared our cards with the world as part of our wedding video. I’m slightly biased but it was the best wedding video I’ve ever seen, and the clips of us interspersed between the cards was a surprise to both of us. I talked about why I’d picked certain cards, and how I was feeling at certain ages. He talked about how weird it was to buy cards for a girl he barely knew but how every year when my birthday approached he got excited about what he’d be able to find. He talked about how much it hurt the year I only signed my name, and I talked about the last card I’d received before we became a couple and how I thought it was the end. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house and as the video ended servers passed out envelopes to all of our guests, birthday cards we’d selected specifically for each person and signed with personal notes. Thankfully we had a fairly small wedding or hands might have been permanently cramped from all the writing. As they all read their cards Patrick and I slipped into a corner and had a few quiet moments. 

Almost on queue we pulled cards from the table, cards we’d each had someone else place there, and we laughed as we gave them to each other. I opened mine first and read out loud.

Happy Wedding Day, my sweet Adeline. 

You have made me the happiest man alive and I couldn’t love anyone more. You are beautiful inside and out; you inspire me, challenge me and make me laugh. You touch me in ways I didn’t even know were possible and the idea that I get to fall asleep with you every night and wake up with you every morning is...well, it’s amazing. The idea that we get to create a family together brings more joy than I could possibly describe. There is no one I’d rather share everything with. I love you with every ounce of my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. 

Yours always, Patrick

He wiped my tears away then placed a soft kiss on my lips. “I love you so much,” I breathed and he kissed me again then opened his card.

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

I can’t write or say those words enough, my sweet husband. My husband. Husband. I love writing that word, too. Thank you for giving me that joy. Thank you for bringing a little five-year old girl a birthday card all those years ago, and for every card and letter in between. Thank you for every word you said and even those you didn’t. I can’t imagine living my life with anyone else. You’re going to be the father of our children, the man I’m going to grow old with, and the one I’m going to curl up against every night for the rest of my life. The way your hand wraps around mine always make me shiver, and your touch will never cease to make my heart flutter. I wish for everyone what we have. Everyone’s life should be so beautiful.

I love you, Patrick. So much.

P.S. You’re still pretty cute. ;-)

© Carrie M. Medders