whorecorelover

[whorecorelover]

Hole people of tumblr. It is I again not too long after my last post.

Abuse, the constant exposure to abuse nonstop will lead you to question yourself. Will place doubts in your mind, making you think and rethink everything. You will find yourself wandering if you actually are a bad person because of all the reactions your abuser is giving to you. It is important to keep in touch with people who do not have that intentions with you. People who make you feel safe.

Although it is especially difficult if your abuser is isolating you from those people. One way or another you feel that you are losing contact with them. You feel that your peace is slowly disappearing. The reason they keep doing these is to control you.

However, if your abuser is especially smart, they will be giving you things in return for their controlling in return for their reactions. And if they already have a very powerful place in your life they will give you more and bring in your conscience.

My example, is money. I am heavily controlled and limited through it. While also getting an exceptional education thanks to their sacrifice. Look at my language, the way I talk about them. It’s very honoring isn’t it? It is. Because what they are doing on the surface, is very honorable. Sending a daughter, away from home to abroad in a culture where she was supposed to get married already. It is a very honorable act. No one sees how this honorable act is making my life difficult. Don’t get me wrong, the opportunities I have are unmatched. But the psychological abuse I have to tolerate because of those necessary opportunities for a successful and a happy life is unmatched.

Going out is scary. Having friends is scary. Being free is scary. Being with my partner is scary. How come? The reactions given when I state any of these (other than partner they don’t know) is belittling. Not only that, it is making me feel wrong to want to wind off, to want to go out, experience things, have memories with people.

I never felt like I lived. Truly lived this life. I am almost a quarter of the way through and I never had a say in anything I did until this age. I’m forced into such a horrifying state that it makes me feel terrified.

I know their reaction. That’s why I am usually quite lonely. Was never allowed friends, wasn’t allowed to do activities. If I was they were chosen and forced onto me by my abuser. I will keep living this sad life until I put a stop to it. But that stop isn’t going to happen anytime soon unfortunately.

My mums justification of it is always: he still thinks you’re the little bit blue eyed baby who couldn’t walk. Well, I am none of that anymore. My eye color changed to brown around 3 years old, my hair grew significantly darker than the blonde hair my abuser is picturing me with, I have grown taller than him, and I can walk and run. I am not a baby. He cannot do the same things he did to me as a baby. Not anymore. Because I am not a baby.

So dear reader, If you cant do anything else, know your abusers. Know who they are and that they are hurting you. It is better than not being aware.

[whorecorelover]

Hola people of tumblr. It is I. Here, yet again for another diary entry.

I have so far cried for about seven times today, not counting the tears from the past half hour. This place is difficult. It is full of hate. Makes me get full of hate as well.

I hate how some parents do not want toddlers, kids, children, teenagers and adults. They want babies. You know why I think that’s the case? Babies are soft, they are cute, they are chubby, they are biteable, yes. But babies have no power over you. They are dependent on you. They are like little dolls you pick up and show people around like how you did when you were little with your Barbie’s. Look this is my baby. It cant do anything and will listen to whatever I say without questioning, because it cant think.

It is unmistakably what the case is with my parents, more with my dad. It is exhausting. I’m not 3 anymore, you cant do that anymore and you cant expect me to let you do that anymore. I am not yours anymore, I was never anyone’s to begin with. I have always been aware of how distant we got the more I grew up, I just never thought he would have resented the idea of someone especially his daughter growing up. I was wrong apparently. Other than the countless humiliations in front of big crowds he and my brothers has inflicted on me he kept mentioning how he doesn’t need to ask permission to hit me because I am his.

No I am not. I am not yours. I never was. And I never will be. His obsessive behavior with my mistakes with my actions or rather with anything I do or say is making me feel disgusting. I feel physically sick because of him. I feel angry.

I miss who I was a few weeks ago. Calm and loving without this constant anger, state of survival and being triggered all the time. If I were in that country still (will go back in a months time) I would have gotten myself my biweekly flowers. Cleaned my room. Got more blue tack so I could put up more pictures and postcards on my walls. I would have started praying, being close to God. Would have used the prayer mat and the dua my boyfriend got for me. I would have spent time with him. Went out on small dates, whether to a pub, bar, museum, or just the gym and home. I miss him. Haven’t spoken properly to him about six days at this point (he is at a festival).

I miss the life I built for myself in university. I cannot wait to go back to it. But for now here are some good things that happened to me today:

🩷I had this dessert that I have been thinking for a while. It was so sugary but so good. Diabetes in a plate.

🩷I talked with a friend who lives in germany. We haven’t talked for a while I really missed him.

🩷I saw a lot of kedys today.

🩷I found a book that I seem to like so far. I haven’t picked up a book in ages that wasnt forced onto me by my father. I might buy it!

If you have read so far, I hope whatever you have on your plate comes easy to you and I hope you try to surround yourself with love always.

Thank you for reading, here is a picture of a distinguished gentleman I saw today.

[whorecorelover]

Hola people of tumblr, I was not going to write or even share anything on here just lurking and liking posts. BUTTTT, since it’s summer holiday and even tho I’m 21 y.o. I have to come back home for it and guess what it is challenging as fuck.

I am tired, exhausted from within every day. And angry, I don’t think I have ever wanted to be this violent in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this unwanted in my life.

All these feelings I am already used to, it’s the anger that’s driving me insane. The growing need to express that anger in the most destructive way is getting too much for me to control.

You see, I had established a routine for myself before coming back home. I had surrounded myself with people I loved whom care and cherish me. I had softened myself up so much compared to what I am feeling right now. I wouldn’t have shouted unless I was distressed and something triggered me, meltdowns turned into once a month and even once a few months. It has been coming back every night almost. I was taking care of myself physically as well, sports regularly, if I can’t workout I would walk 8-10k steps, I would read and listen and improve myself.

What pains me the most is I feel like all these went down the drain since I came back home. All I am seeing is my family, who are mostly incredibly rude and mean towards me. They aren’t just mean as well they are purposefully humiliating me at any point. Joking about what abusive thing they would do to me and taking away all my freedom with limiting my living to just my room if I want to be on my own. It is unbearable. I have some good things happening to me (rarely from time to time) maybe I could note them down here so I don’t do anything to myself which could have long lasting effects.

🩷 The good thing of the day is that I wore a lovely dress and my mum liked my eyeshadow colour.

🩷I got everyone to leave me alone in the house.

I will not list the bad things here but I’m so incredibly close to.