why-i-walked-blog

[why-i-walked-blog]

Moeraki

I see you went to Moeraki, where i always wanted to take you.

Did you go with her? Did you go in my car?

I hope she showed you all the beaches and rock pools like i would of, 

i hope you did the walk and saw seals for your first time,

i hope you both speculated about where the bolders were from, i beat you thought aliens because thats what you love. 

I hope she did everything i would of if we had gone there, as thats what you deserve; 

I miss you 

[why-i-walked-blog]

Last night

Yesterday, I looked out my window to see my car parked outside on the street... you must be with her. 

so off I go to leave a note only to find that you are still there at 10oclock at night, and then the reality sinks in and my imagination goes wild.

What are you guys doing? What are you doing with her? Is she in your arms? Are you in her bed? Are you showering together? Are you smiling, laughing are you happy? 

Why do I care, why do I do this, why does this bother me? 

I ended it, I did this. I am the reason you are in her bed, not mine. 

I guess at the end of the day I never wanted to give that side of things up.

I hope she feels like she's giving you what you need because I never felt that way.

when I go to look out the window at 12;30oclock a smile creeps across my tear stained face to find the car no longer there, where have you gone? why have you left?

You would have never left me at 12 at night, especially when you have worked at 3, where are you and why did you leave?

Why does this still affect me, I was the one who decided to leave, please tell me. 

[why-i-walked-blog]

8.58pm 18/04/2017

you emailed me

my heart raced

you emailed me it was only last night that the thought ran through my mind that you may have contacted me through this way

all this time i have been texting you and you have not seen

this sadly and strangely makes me smile, i know have another way of expressing how i feel, will you ever receive those messages?

i miss you. im sitting in a couch missing you. nearly in tears.

deep breathes

i thought i was doing good today, i coped with alot of alone time,

i talked about you. about us, again i was expaling why i gave up why i left the person i love why i had to stop why i had to.

they all say the same thing they all react the same way. they would of never stayed that long they would of never dealt with that. and in those times i am sure that what i did was right it was the correct thing to do.

but i miss you and i want to talk to you to tell you whats going on. i wake up and go to sleep feeling uneasy. i dream of you to wake up to realise you are no longer in my life.

seeing the picture of you with vera. i cant stop looking. you never liked or wanted kids. until me. you liked the idea of having someone who had was the result of us. seeing that picture seeing those snap chats. god the pain the envy. did you know when you posted that what it would do to me if i saw it? her pout, your smile. you would make a great dad and you daughter/son will be the luckiest child with the most loving farther.

[why-i-walked-blog]

11;56pm 17/4/2017

Friday was when we stopped talking and you disappeared.

It is now monday and iv had a weekend of pain.

i gave up on you. i gave up on us, i couldn't do it, i walked away from someone who did nothing but love me and now i have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I didnt give you or us a chance nor any warning i gave up i turned my back and i broke your heart and tore your world apart.

When the sun is up and around i can distract myself with the idea that i am okay and entertain the mind and heart enough to keep the pain dull at the bottom of my chest.

but even then in the car when every second song comes on it reminds me of what i did to you and what i did to us. we drive into my home town that now has a unease to it. too many memories litter the scenery i once ran to for comfort. My safe haven is now staring me straight into my soul.

7 months. Its been 7 months that i had you on the other end of my phone. or in my bed. or in yours. 7 months of places i had been with you in my life loving me and caring for me. i am now home. alone. surrounded by people that love me. yet i feel alone. your not one of these people. your not at the end of my phone. your not in my bed and im not in yours. iv damaged your life so much i cant even sneak into your bed.

we had flaws. we had issues. and we had fights. we were unhealthy. we were not so much of a we. and the memories we have are not as happy as we perceived.

7 months. its been 7 months that you controlled me. 7 months that i felt i was never good enough. that all the love i could give to you would not be enough. 7 months of  expectation that i could of never suceeded. 7 months of no posting what i want to or talking to who i want to or doing or drinking or eating what i want to. you were alway right therefore what i loved but you disagreeded with was wrong. i was and my passions and loves were wrong. yet i loved you...

yet i will always love you ...

i will miss you ...

but i was drowning i was lossing who hannah jane macdonald is.

so for tonight i am going to sleep in a bed which i cant even call my own as i dont where MY bed is anymore, and i will dream of you being in my life, and i will wake up and look at my phone to find no loving text from you. and i will cry and be upset. but for now, that will have to do.

[why-i-walked-blog]

Ball

The whole night i kept telling myself that if you were with me then i would be missing out, i would be sitting down on the side, and not being able to dance and laugh and drink with my firends... however i found my self all dressed up and went to take a photo and send a snap chat to you, only to remind myself that, that was no longer an option. I wanted to be on your arm, i wanted to be in the photobooth with you, i wanted you. all night. i wanted to be your girl again.

[why-i-walked-blog]

moments

I have good moments and i have bad, i have moments when im so confident and moments when im not, but no matter what moment is going by no matter what, i am always missing you i am always wanting you. and that fucking sucks, cause you wont and dont miss or want me and i know i have no right to feel this and complain but at the end of the day it still hurts. no matter what it always hurts.

[why-i-walked-blog]

Timeless

It’s a tricky moment. Or an hour. When I’m being cradled, or cradling. When their touch has slowed to a few gentle sweeps of the fingers, a half-conscious swipe of the thumb, and then I feel their body relax completely into sleep. Their breath deepens. I’m holding their heart on my collarbone as they drift off, as they hold my fears in their eyelashes for me. Just for a moment. Or an hour.

But as they sleep, as their awareness slips away towards rest and comfort, my mind doesn’t follow and my eyes don’t close.

I stare at the black, back-lit drapes, the corner of dim light as it steeps the room in twilight and defines only the outlines and edges of indistinguishable objects. It sets the tone for magic.

And I think of you.

There’s no reason to stray from the being in my arms. In this moment I am whole. I am fed, I am rested, I am loved, I am happy. I am well. So well that I am a bit too soft, too calm, and I feel no need to sleep any more than I must.

And yet I think of you. I said your name last night, softly, a breath with a slight shape to it. I did not think it so much as exhale it as I climaxed and managed to snag the last letter with the abrupt closure of my lower lip, like a fishhook pierced through the nasal consonant and swiftly hefted from the water. I then said his name audibly, deliberately, in honesty of my gratefulness and my pleasure. There was no stop or hiccup in movement, and I am certain he did not hear.

But in the silence now, your name is loud against the quiet.

I also think of the many hungers I harbor, in these quiet moments when one is meant to sleep and rest. Others I’d like to taste, just, for the taste. Places I’d like to smell. Flavors I’d like to seduce. Wildness and wilderness I’d like to wrestle.

But you’re always the first. Always the last. Always there.

I am not certain what to call the thoughts in this moment, this hour. They are a sensation, a series of unorganized flashes back and forth between our past and present that seem like parallel universes revolving around two bodies, one heart. They are singular moments, so very far apart, but the feeling is continuous.

Love. It is unique every time it grips and entrances us, and the actions love takes also change, and grow, and evolve as we do. But that feeling - that sensation - of love. Of timeless connection. It is the same for me, now and then. I still love you. I don’t need this moment of twilight safety to prove it to myself; I knew it, I know it, as I think of you each day, as I tend love every day for both him, and for you. For a moment, or an hour.  

But it’s just a feeling. Or a fantasy. Or a moment’s dream, or an hour’s. The action I take for it is the future yet.

[why-i-walked-blog]

Can you feel the emptiness in my heart The way I can feel pain festering in yours?

[why-i-walked-blog]

Months pass by I sit here and try To prevent the thoughts That break me down Your love was selfish Artificial I was nothing but a filler To your voids One night Thirty years from now You may wake To falling tears And the taste of me In your mouth I don’t wish for pain I only know of potential Maybe regret will fall Over your unkempt, thinning hair And the air will thicken With discontentment

[why-i-walked-blog]

You lied

You walked in on sunday morning, shocked to see a mattress on the floor, and alcohol everywhere. You sat in my room. In my bed. All day, begging me to change my mind and take you back, we went back and forth from crying, yelling and cuddling. Little did i know that, that moring you had left a girl you had previously fucked the night before. You didn't even wait 12 hours yet you were in my room begging for us to go back? What if i had said yes? What if i’d agreed and went back to that, went back to you? Would you have been able to live with the fact that you fucked some girl whilst you were high and not tell me?  

[why-i-walked-blog]

8 after me?

And tonight I’ll lay here and torture myself with the thought of your arms being wrapped around her…

[why-i-walked-blog]

Tossed aside

It’s funny how irrelevant you can become to someone overnight. The lies you were fed and intimate acts you did with someone that you held so close to your heart. Then one day you find that you were just convenient, and tossed to the side. That you and the experiences you shared with someone amounted to nothing in the end. Human beings can truly be cruel sometimes…

[why-i-walked-blog]

2am

paralyzed by pain. my chest hurts. drowning in all the memories at 2 am.

I change your contact name in my phone. Pictures of us send me into shock. I cant stop thinking about you. Im scared about the future for the first time in my life.

[why-i-walked-blog]

Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, but the feeling you had when you were with them.

[why-i-walked-blog]

You made love hard if loves hard... then that's not love

[why-i-walked-blog]

Kitchen bench?

Hearing what you have said to others about our relationship makes me laugh... but then I start thinking, what made you feel the need to lie about what we have/had done like fucking on the kitchen bench? Was I not good enough? Did i not satisfy you? Did it make you feel better? Did it help your ego? These are all questions i will never get the chance to ask.

[why-i-walked-blog]

Moving on

I just listened to our song and didn't even realise, maybe that's because it was never our song.... it was just your song.