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[wiltingdaises-blog]

25 feb 2021

im meeting him today, hopefully not for the last time. i need the emotional support from a man, i know people might say, u dont need a man to get better but ik myself better, i really do especially since it was so sudden. i hope to have deep talks, to clear a lot of things on my mind. to create a new image to replace the ones i see in my sleep.

i hope i find a man like him again, all the qualities i wanted in a partner, how ive wanted to he treated as a partner, all were served and delivered. he was the first date that i wanted to intro to my parents, the first date that i wanted to meet his mum. ive had visions on bringing him to meet the extended fam, to have dinners with my parents, his mum and all that. i was so blessed and i didnt appreciate it in the moment, now that i’ve lost it, i want it all back.

i very much hope that he is my soulmate and to reconnect again in the future, once he works on his commitment issues and once i work on my mental health issues. i know once again, i’ll be looking for him in every guy i meet from now on, i’ll control myself from latching on to anyone so fast, i’ll make sure to take care of my mind & body on my own.

[wiltingdaises-blog]

22 February 2021

hello, im back here again, i dont have anyone to talk to about this bc my pride is abit on the line. the guy i love made out with someone else bc he was so drunk. i- i never thought i’d experience this. my heart broke. i loved this guy, so so much. he thinks he’s been treating me the bare minimum but i feel more than that. ive been treated like shit. and i guess it continues. i love him so much, i cant bear to leave him. i know if i leave, i can never find the happiness i felt when i was with him. its selfish, its fucking selfish but its what i want and need. if i left, i’ll be finding him in every other guy i meet & its gonna be so toxic for the other party. if i stayed, if we could fix this, i can build the happiness again, we’ll be happy again. but im not sure if he wants that, seems like he’s trying to get me away from him bc of the mistake he did but. i dont know. im hurt, im already in the lowest state ive been in in 2021 but idk...

[wiltingdaises-blog]

21 Apr

hi, its been awhile.. school is draining me out, im barely alive ??? but ive been getting worse? from the last time i updated till early apr, i was fine,, i found myself , my happiness but then i lost it again. how much ive changed over 6 months is crazy insane. i used to be confident, loud, outspoken , now im soft , an introvert ???? , always to myself. i dont like it haha but being in my new sch , i hv the ability t see my long time crushes, ones who ive crushed on for 6 & 4 years respectively. how to move on?? also my anxiety developed , its getting worse by the day but i cant tell many abt it bc to me i seem like its attention seeking uk but 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

anyways topic 2, love. im really bad at this tbh i keep thinking why doesnt anyone like me? am i not good enough? not pretty?? then i realised its bc i hate myself so much i potray an image of “ ya ure not pretty “ & its imprinted in my mind & thats when i realise if i hv tht mindset guys wont like me yknow but idk im just blabbering now lmao goodbye

[wiltingdaises-blog]

3 Jan

i just hate people who say theyll be there fr u nut when u rant thry just bluetick u LOL

[wiltingdaises-blog]

29 December

hello, ive been spreading out my positivity a lot lately and im very happy for it. but after 7pm, my mood shifted, it went really down. and i cant get myself back up. its really annoying. i was thinking abt love. infatuation. and lust. and also, why people leave? it gets really hard sometimes, thinking how much u just love a person and they leave u w no warning? it just makes my heartbreak bc we were so tight, then we just broke apart. every year. the same thing happens. its fine. but if u see this. i miss you and yeah. lol what a joke. its never gg t go back to the old times. lmao bye.

[wiltingdaises-blog]

26 December 2017

hello, ive logged out of this account bc i find that i think me rereading all these makes me feel shit but, other things contributes to it. my december has been amazing, i got anxious a few times but compared to 2017 it was a big jump. I met a guy, he really makes me feel all butterfly again but must remember not to have high hopesssss,, lmao rmb the last time i said that LOL anyways, im here to let go everything that happened this year that still boggles my mind to this day, throw away the bad memories before 2018 ya know what i mean january, was 'eh' i guess, it was the start of the new year, busy but honestly great, met ice & kicked of feb being all happy. ice left, i cried. went to his bestf, his bestf got a girl then left me hanging. february was when i met fererro, nothing sparked yet but yeah. march, it was terrible, but i still had that positive mindset that everything would be okay soon but it went down from there. my anxiety spiked & i had breakdowns frequently in school. it was SHIT. april came about, it was my busiest month and must i say, i broke down everyday of that month. POP was around the corner & planning everything w SOME people not cooperating made me feel like shit and that decreased my confidence level and i loved my cca so that was me breaking apart from them, plus i fell super sick. with everything done and free, i cried. i cried for the freedom i felt but also breaking apart w my third family. it was the month i was pretty happy bc i got pics w my eye candies, including ferrero & sulfur. may, it was one of the quietest month, however all the study stress got to me and i really felt so much more anxious than i was before and my confidence dropped so much. june, the holidays, fasting month. what can i say, a mess. i fell sick most of the time, i couldnt bring myself to study bc of how sick i felt & i really felt like shit. but it was really a calming month until, ferrero confessed. haha amazing right? well, the next day he realised he liked someone else better. u could tell, i cried the whole day the week after & luckily red flag, so i couldnt fast. but that my whole confidence shattered. july, was the onz study period. i felt so stressed, so anxious and so depressed, i broke down in school, infront of my friends. all the tears i held back all fell down. but also i kept thinking abt ferrero, who was the girl he liked. my thoughts abt it ended, when he told me. my heart shattered, it was funny, it was someone i disliked then. it made me dislike her even more ((but, now we good so is alright, if u see this sorry! )) i kept thinking why? why her. but i put my heart and soul to sulfur. bad choice. august came around, i can say i was pretty positive this month, it was my birthday month,, it was a great month, until the end around the 29th, things suddenly changed, i lost a friend, a bestfriend. what was even worse was it was on my birthday. september, was one of the month with the most tension, most tension w my so called brother, seven. too many nicknames sorry haha. but it was all good after the days went by. i felt like shit tho, the worse i ever felt so far this year. i really felt so anxious this month sometimes for no reason. october/november, my exams month. i was absolutely stressed out, balancing my studies, taking care of my mental health and being a stupid ass, thinking abt ferrero and sulfur. i felt so sucidal, so out of it. ( i wouldnt be surprised if i didnt do well but i really hope i did. ) anxiety was at its absolute peak. mid-end november, i had camp after camp. firstly, cca camp. (not my sch cca but the cca community of the cca i was in, u get it? u get it. ) i was so so anxious during that camp and i felt dizzy most of the time it was shit !!! bc that was what i loved before all this shit happened & i couldnt continue bc i was worried fr my mental health. haha yes i quit aft that. then i had poly camp. that one was great. rlly it was. i was less anxious. probably bc it was really relaxed and all. december, someone left, but it was alright. chill bc i really just calmed down and relaxed thruout this month. so yeah, if u read this far thank you omg & i hope this would make me feel much better to start the year a new. hope to not see you again, but maybe to see you for positivite entries ❤️

[wiltingdaises-blog]

27 November 2017

hello, its been a while. Ive had such a busy week I couldnt update here so hi again. Heres my thoughts for the past weeks ive been on i guess u could say, a hiatus.

my few weeks havent been smooth sailing i must say. my mental health has been making me avoid doing the things i love. to volunteer & inspire. ive been having anxiety attacks frequently, hence quitting VIP. it rlly sucks but i must say, its time for me to rest. i havent had any confidence in myself and i know i need help. i have to say, everyone has their own problems and i havent found the right one to share mine to bc my frequent rant buddy has been having a rough time & i wouldnt want to burden him more bc i did & i felt worse. bc i was adding to his thoughts. i feel like i cant be alone. when im alone i get out of control & thts q bad. i dont want people to feel the way i feel so if yall are having a hard time, dm me, ill be glad to help and listen to ur thoughts. 

everything has been q a mess for me lately bc of my feelings. ive been feeling absolutely lonely & fucked up so if any one would really want to help me, pls do.. 

a good bye for now, till next time

[wiltingdaises-blog]

27 October 2017

hey, its mid-national exam week & im a mess? i havent been in the right state of mind, body or heart. its insane what a person can do to ur body by just saying that you dislike that person. im numb. because of you, i cant love anyone anymore. not because i dont want to bc i gave my heart away. to you. look, im not sure which part of my life i fucked up, but if u tell me we could make it work?? like come on. eventhough u act as if theres nothing gg on, like a fake ass bitch u are, i know that you dislike me. three whole years i waited & waited to feel & be loved, by you and only you. i cannot believe how much of my heart gave in to you & how you made me happy when im terribly sad/depressed. its all gone.

another thing. my dad, if u think im stupid, think again. i know who ure meeting & who ure tryina idk whatever ure doing, keep it personal. ive had and met boyfriends and been on dates that youve never known, so u shld be that secretive too & stop making my heart ache.

side note: i havent been motivated to study bc of how sucky i feel & its emotionally draining but im hoping to get thru it.

im hating life so much right now & i dont feel needed / the first choice. honestly, if i left no one would actually notice would they now?

[wiltingdaises-blog]

yea i'm into BDSM

B- Being a

D- Disappointment to

S- So

M- Many people

[wiltingdaises-blog]

14 October 2017

ive graduated and ive realised how much i matter in peoples lives. and its not a lot. im fucking hurt bc ive been there for so many people and theyre the ones who forgot me. i shouldnt be like this but i want to be appreciated too. i dont do things to be recognised but appreciation is basic right? like honestly, how do u forget about taking picture with someone who has been in ur clique since sec 1, then when i come yall were alrd like lets go then i had to tear up & say i havent taken photo w yall. i get it im a burden. im sorry. im sorry for being anxious today. sorry for crying so much , bc im anxious & bc i love my juniors. im sorry im not perfect. im sorry, for being who i am. finally graduated, if i leave, no one would actually notice anymore ☺️

[wiltingdaises-blog]

2 October

whats the point of finding help when no one is there to help you? does anyone even care? im trying to subtly make it obvious but not trying to get excessive attention but it doesnt work? no one fucking cares.

ive been seeing suicide stories, deaths, shootings, videos. i dont know if its a sign for me? or is it just the world being shitty as fuck. these have been so triggering for me, mainly the video. ive been thinking abt it today and seeing that video i cried fr 2 hrs its insane.

side note: pray for vegas — its insane how one man can kill up to 50 and injure 400 over. my prayer goes out to all families and people involved in the attack. the shooter is a white man. and he is a terrorist. no doubt.

advice of the day: love, peace and support. humanity is in our hands, think before you do something. will it affect people? will it hurt people? if it will, dont do it. spread joy and love ❤️

[wiltingdaises-blog]

27 sept

its funny how u say u care but u actually dont. haha u just need me to stay so i would help u w ur problems. i swear no one understands my feelings or my thoughts. everyone is just on witht heir own life. im here giving subtle hints that i need someone to talk to. i wait and wait, to nothing. i need the attention. i need someone to talk to. goodnight.

[wiltingdaises-blog]

27 September 2017

‪aku tak faham asal aku nak kene jaga hati orang??? orang tak jaga hati aku pon? like seriously, i have to be okay even when im extremely not so that i can guard the heart of someone who is not okay. this is why i have severe depression, i have to hide everything in one corner bc no one lets me get it out. when i leave, everyone is going to come looking for me, not bc they forgot abt my heart but bc their heart is getting broken and no one is there to fix it. trust me. anyways, enough of my rant‬.

dear diary, its been awhile since ive updated, life has been smooth till these few days. ive been harming myself even more emotionally, mentally and physically. i didnt go to school bc of how drained & sick i am and im so happy for that. althought i get super anxious being at home bc home alone and like no one is there to cheer me up when im sad. i feel very depressed these days and unable to tell anyone bc everyone is either extremely sad to the point that they cant help me or extremely happy to the point that i dont want to ruin their mood. im in the extremely sad part but im still up and helping. its not easy hiding my feelings but i do it so well literally everyone thinks im fine. im not lets be honest. if any of my friends see this, i need help. get me help. help me. save me from this madness.

[wiltingdaises-blog]

1st Sept

haha this is funny, one by one leading to not trust me. thanks. i know my worth now.

[wiltingdaises-blog]

31 August

hi, its my birthday. my 16th birthday. today got to me and made me realise, how much im worth to some people. some people who ive helped thruout so many hardships, never remembered. and some whom we fought, remembered. being 16 doesnt mean anything to me. but for the past few days, ive had terrible anxiety attacks that led to a goddamn high fever, plus an incident yesterday which led to me almost fainting in public. its insane how me turning 16 led me to have so many anxiety attacks and problems. i hate life and i hate myself. ill be shutting people out and idk what ill do to myself. and if youre thinking, "find help" my answer to u is, no one wants to help. goodbye, im sorry.

[wiltingdaises-blog]

27 August

today has been one of my better days. the morning - afternoon was great hanging out w my friends & ... it was really relaxing to be able to laugh till we cry and nothing was in our way of being happy. i can say i was really genuinely happy at that moment!! and i feel really great abt it. to more days like these ❤️

[wiltingdaises-blog]

26 August

Ive been in my depression state for a while and it sucks to catch feelings for someone that you liked a while back. this is never ending. my heart can never stop liking at least one person and its driving me crazy. plus having my results and unprepared to face the real world, im stressed out bc life is hitting me hard. i need to learn how to cope but theres no longer a coping mechanism for me. i need help. ive been trying to find hell but everyone is too busy. im sorry if i leave. im just a burden to most. goodbye.