winkingluna

[winkingluna]

[winkingluna]

My first laugh in Big Swiss, one, if not the first fun book I have read as an adult. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[winkingluna]

I have a job, I'm almost an official undergraduate. I'm 22. The world, according to the world, is going through the shitter. In contrast I have a lot going for me in comparison. So this brings forth guilt - guilt about feeling like I'm at the bottom of my barrel. I want intimacy, "but what if it gets in the way of building a pathway for myself where I hadn't depended on a man to achieve all I've wanted?" "Oh god, there's so much to 'achieve', I need to get a car and move out, but where am I moving to?!?! I need a friend...But that's impossible to do, I can't make a friend here in this place I live in, so why would I even think of renting an apartment here! But it's cheaper here, the city is going to swallow me whole. I want to have sex, I feel like a wolf when the moon is full, every single ovulation cycle. I'm spinning in my own body. I don't want a man to look at me. I hate it when they look at me. All you want to do is have sex with me you freak, disgusting, but this guy on Bumble from the city better swipe right on me and cum right inside me in the next 2 to 3 business days. I don't want to scroll on my phone anymore, can you just hold me please, so I can finally sleep.

[winkingluna]

my first mindset life change i have found is being hedonistic. i have lied down in my life. let it happen to me. i have decided that i have control over the theme of my life. i want to think of myself more. i want to fill my desires and not be fearful but brace for the impact of my decisions, because i can say that I made them. i can have ownership over my life. even the bad. and especially the good.

[winkingluna]

doing what i think is right just because I want to feel for the first time, happy 22nd birhrday

#balletflats #2014

[winkingluna]

pick me

yes, i am a pick me. i did not immediately antagonize sharpay evans and regina george as characters. in fact i found them to be interesting, cool even, in the most feminine way my young brain could collect and name. i don't have externally, anything in common with these women. i am not white, i am not 2000s skinny and i am not wealthy or even close to it. what i do have in common with these archetypes is being insecure and actively going against any situation that would shine even a spot of light towards that. so i mask and project.

my insecurities are not based on how i look, whether, i am going to be rejected because of a lack of assests or likeness. i am shallow because i refuse to go deeper and figure out somehting about myself that others already washed their hands off with and have tolerated. so i view everyone on the surface. i pick it up and make sure that i resemble the foil of their insecurities to make myself feel like i have filled in the gap in myself and in their selves as well. i am perfect. theres nothing to see here besides everything you want to be. but please don't ever call me out on anything you may not like about me. because i am so far gone in my dissection of you, that i don't see you as anything sound at all. you are a sum of imperfections projecting your flaws back at me. i simply cannot hear you.

i thrive off of people i believe are close to 'perfect'. people who effortlessly carry attractive traits. i want to become them or better, to be chosen by them. what they don't like about others, i avoid. because there is nothing worse than being unconsciously repulsive. i study. i learn and i adapt. i become everything you have ever looked for which is now everything i want. all that's left for you is to choose me.

i love the way that i look because you like it when i wear my hair up. you say it shows more of my face. you like how round it is, so i don't worry too much about eating carbs at night anymore. you hate noise, so i learn to walk faster to reach you to avoid filling the unattented space i seek your attention in without beckoning your name. this does not break my bones. its fulfillment. its hedonistic at nature. i want you to want me because there is nobody else that would find you as perfect as i do. i imitate to show my desire. i morph into a picture only i have the capabilty of producing...just for you. a perfect algorithim. watch me, consume, i want to be your sick desgined habit. i know you will always pick me.

at least that is what i think.

[winkingluna]

I need to see my mother and I need a boyfriend like yesterday

[winkingluna]

god, live through me

learning to be slow and kind in a world that is quick and evil is the nutshell of the internal war of a human i believe. i hope at the end that i can say i was slow and kind, even if i just tried.

[winkingluna]

Hồ Xuân Hương, "Jackfruit" (tr. Natalie Linh Bolderston), pub. Modern Poetry Review [iD'd]

[winkingluna]

Ada Limón, “To Be Made Whole”, On Being with Krista Tippett

[winkingluna]

Nick Cave, The Sick Bag Song

[winkingluna]

I love you summer

strange evenings

[winkingluna]

I don’t understand hating or not listening to rap when ur fav genre is rock like they’re holding hands to me they r two sides of a coin….its so dark in here

[winkingluna]

I believe I was will always love minimal pictures of coffee

kavica za tebe i mene <3

[winkingluna]

From a young age, I always knew I either wanted to be a middle aged rich woman in New York who's not tied to anyone but knows everyone or a hot gay man in a fun city which is kind of the same thing...now that I think of it.

[winkingluna]

i love watching myself shrink. my appetite. my arms. my legs. my body. it's addicting and i love it.

[winkingluna]

perpetually bored.

i don't know if it's because i'm on a break from weed or if it's because my parents just got a divorce, but fuck life is so boring right now. we all are so bored. some how you were bored enough to read this for so long while scrolling through your phone or some other device looking for something...something to make you feel something. when will we unveil this 'something'. i'm tired of searching, of yearning and waiting. i walk outside and i can't take that i'm not coming back with something that could've changed the next day.

my friend comes over for a day in a year to see me and i'm stunned at the realisation that i don't have a place to still see and a person to feel. i write, i scroll, i hit my vape, i dance in my room, i crochet, i touch myself, rinse and repeat.

i ask myself if it's because of the recession? is the internet really this boring or are my dompamine receptors fried and brittle from indulgence? i don't want to ask questions anymore. i want them answered and i want to do.

i want to have a breakup. i want to be lost in the middle of nowhere with someone i just met but decided to trust. i want to run up streets i have never seen before. i want my back to crack and to wake up in a place i have never seen before. i want to be scared and jolted by electricity. i want to feel more than ennui.

if someone were to hit me upside the head i'd thank them for it.