wishingwell4aspiral - Tumblr blog

[wishingwell4aspiral]

I wish i could be normal about affection but my love language is merging souls

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I miss him he needs to wake up before I buy a plane ticket dammit.

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Okay who cares if someone’s clingy???? They fucking love and adore you??? You don’t like being adored? Loser

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I still love the people I've loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them.

- Uma Thurman

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„Grief, l've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.“

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Here's my fun lil update I guess.

I'm trying to go for closure. I am.

I've started venting, openly, about everything that's happened.

How much I loved him. How much my heart broke when he left.

But nothing I say is going to bring him back.

So I've been keeping myself busy. I released a brand new avatar, I'm gonna start working on a lesbian christmas couple avi release here soon.

I have like 4 currently pending unity projects

I keep myself busy. I try to always be doing something.

I found a new person ((person new? No. Interest towards person? Yes)) to put my time into and he keeps me from feeling completely alone and it's kinda nice to have someone treat me with softness for once.

Things still remind me of GlowOS all the time, every day. His favorite color was green, and im never going to be able to see that color the same. There's a good chunk of my music I can no longer listen to, because they are attached to his very being.

But here's my last hurrah.

I put glowsticks in my vrc homeworld.

I know everytime I see them. I'll think of him. A person that lit up my life. And whom I loved with a firey passion so bright it burnt him out.

But its okay. Things happen. People change.

Sometimes you need to change.

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Documentation : Day 8

So uhm. Its. Been a few days since I last updated.

Here's what we missed.

So I started getting close to my friend Meow and all of his friends which are just hella horny and sexual on main. That's been... an interesting experience.

Oh also does everyone remember me complaining that I was hoping to find somebody else to step into the role?

Well. I. Uhm. I may have a contender?

Okay. Let's back up.

My friend bot. I've known him for well over a year now.

Bot, for the majority of the time i knew him, was dating my other friend named Shen

Shen was outed to be a pedophile a few months back, it was absolutely crazy.

Anyways.

So fast forward, three days ago.

We run around worlds together. We end up cuddling as we fall asleep. We are physically affectionate. He makes a comment earlier that day that goes "Yeah I have a list of people that can sit on my lap. It's you... yeah there's nobody else." And I just

"?????" Mentally going "where did that come from??""

And in these past few days we've been cuddly, openly affectionate, tonight is night 2 of sleep calls?

Listen.

I'm not upset about this update. I'm not.

I'm just??? Confused?? Did you like me previously orrrr like..? How.. how did we get here so quickly. Ain't no damn way you fell in love with me so quickly."

And for anyone about to go "that's hypocritical what about you?"

Listen. I don't have BPD but I do have the "favorite person that my entire world is based off of and I would either burn the world and kill myself or save it depending on what they believe" thing

I can and will latch onto anything that'll give me enough attention that I can attach to it.

But also he said he was still gonna meet the girl he was interested in irl and they broke up so they could work on some issues before a relationship.

And like, if you're waiting for her. Why are you even fucking with me??? Huh???

So that's a thing.

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Just want to have that one person in my life who I feel safe being needy and clingy with and never have to overthink my behavior or their opinion of me

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Day five without my favorite person

Should I name this series something else? I feel like it saying "without my favorite person" isn't the best wording because he isn't coming back, but also, the point here is to document my own feelings and emotions as I process.

Anyways,

I spent a long while on VRC today. And when I got off after spending all day in a world where I had over and over ran around in while I sat in vc with him begging him to listen or here me. I just. Had myself a good lil breakdown.

He's not coming back. He will never be my daddy or my caregiver again.

I really hope I find somebody new who's willing to comprise of that role. Because I really need it.

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Day four without my favorite person

Sleeping is difficult now. I used to use the daydream of me and glowOS cuddling to sleep. But now that's he's gone, I can't do that.

Instead, everytime I do it out of reflex, I get really upset and just end up tossing and turning for awhile.

But hey! I've got a computer now and so I have open access to the Index.

So that's cool.

I'm hoping maybe getting back into VRC will help me re-socialize and shit. Idk. Maybe find somebody new who's gonna have the bones to deal with me.

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Day four without my favorite person

Sleeping is difficult now. I used to use the daydream of me and glowOS cuddling to sleep. But now that's he's gone, I can't do that.

Instead, everytime I do it out of reflex, I get really upset and just end up tossing and turning for awhile.

But hey! I've got a computer now and so I have open access to the Index.

So that's cool.

I'm hoping maybe getting back into VRC will help me re-socialize and shit. Idk. Maybe find somebody new who's gonna have the bones to deal with me.

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can we try this new position called holding me and telling me it will be okay

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adding to my trauma all by yourself, handsome?

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It is officially day three without my favorite person.

I got talking with snow again.

I had cut off communication and walked away awhile back when shit really hit the fan.

I'm glad to have her back.

I'm..

I find myself more and more sad that he's gone.

But I also become more angry-upset.

Because I continue to process and know it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong.

I just wasn't enough for him.

In good news

Tomorrow I'm going to go make my first major purchase, I'm buying a computer off a family friend.

It's extremely powerful.

So im getting that, and the index, in my room tomorrow.

I am beyond excited to live in VRChat again. For having big collages again.

My secondary home.