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[withouttwin-blog]

Nothing Nothing

Zachary “Sneaky” Scurderi stared straight at his phone screen as the texts and tweets start coming in as a result of the starting roster for the summer split. He digs his nails into his thighs as he hears Nicolaj running down the hall and let’s go just as the door opens. He just stands there in the dorm frame as Zach picks up his phone and just says “Wanna make a pair of tweets?”

 Nicolaj just nods slowly. “You… You doing alright Sneaks?”

 Of course not, I feel nothing.

 “Yea, it isn’t like we didn’t know this was going to happen.” Zach gets up and pulls him onto the bed. They lay there together seeing the tweets roll in. “I’m gonna make a tweet.”

 “Yea? What’s it gonna say?” Peering over Zach’s phone, Nicolaj laughs as he reads the nonchalant statement as if the benching was nothing. He gets it of course. You can’t date someone for years and not know how Zach just deals with things. “Sick meme bro, I’ll do the same.”

 Same because you got benched because of me.

 “Look we match now~” Placing his phone next to Zach’s, the twin tweets of “Me Jensen and smoothie are benched :D” and “benched xD” laid together on the bed, the screen light shining menacingly onto their faces even though its midday and the happy sun is still shining outside. Nicolaj isn’t stupid. He could feel how tense Zach was when he pushed him to the bed and cuddled him. He isn’t oblivious either. He could just as easily see how empty Zach’s eyes were and how his voice held nothing of how Zach usually sounds like.

 Not that he heard any semblance of something in his voice since Jack sat them down to talk about it.

 . . . . . . . .

 It wasn’t till dinner that they saw Andy. His smile was tense at the two of them, but his eyes lit up in familiar comradery over the benching. He bantered back and forth with Zach, but Nicolaj’s small inputs and hesitancy was obviously forced. It isn’t like Jack and Reapered didn’t prepare them; no, they are respectable guys and talked through this for a long time. It’s just that, until the official announcement, everyone could act like it wasn’t happening and that it was just a bad dream. But now they had nothing to hide behind.

 Andy would have still been starting if it wasn’t me that was his ADC.

 And when Zach excused himself to the bathroom midway through dinner, only Jack noticed that he came back in with a blank face that disappeared after he blinked.

 . . . . . . . .

 It was by a complete accident that Nicolaj discovered the reason why there was nothing behind Zach’s eyes.

 They had stopped sharing a bed together spontaneously after spring split has ended in an effort to focus more on the game, choosing to opt for more practice time over cuddles and secret kisses in the dark. It isn’t like their affection stopped or slowed down; but when Nicolaj asked to sleep in his own room so he can sleep earlier to wake up earlier to practice over staying awake for Zach’s streams, Zach simply nodded and Nicolaj saw again that something flitter across his eyes and disappear just like the way you lose a bug if you look away for just a second. So after how the day turned tiring and exhausting after the official announcement, Nicolaj took it upon himself to surprise his sad boyfriend by dressing in something he likes (which is of course nothing underneath) and quietly creep to his door after the stream ended. It was maybe twenty minutes after the stream ended, long enough that Zach probably assumed they weren’t sleeping together that night too.

 And time enough that Nicolaj could actually surprise his ridiculously perceptive boyfriend.

 Which turned into reverse surprisal when Nicolaj burst through the door, only to find Zach shirtless and covered in red lines all over this chest and belly and back. It was like Zach had put on a tight-fitting shirt of red, with intricate criss-crossed designs littered all over where a shirt would have lain. His smile and lust slid off his face, and Nicolaj figured that horror and fear must have been very obvious in his face by the look of absolute self-loathing that flooded Zach’s eyes. Nicolaj isn’t sure if he heard anything when Zach started leaking tears and whispering I’m so sorry over and over again.

 It was as if everything froze in time.

 And nothing moved for as long as they could possibly recall. It was as if the sight of the fresh red lines against one that were clearly made earlier in the day made time stop so Nicolaj could take in every single detail that has slipped through his perception the entire time. It was as if the horror in Nicolaj’s blue eyes actually pierced Zach and killed him, staring lifelessly back as if they were stuck open like a corpse shot after being told their family is dead.

 “Is this what happened last time too?” Both boys looked to the door to see Jack standing there looking sadly at both of them. At the questioning look in Nicolaj’s eyes, Jack simply sighed. “Back after worlds and you left for Denmark, I found Zach in his bed. Call it father’s intuition, but I thought there was something wrong back then. I just thought it was nothing and hoped I was right after tucking him into bed properly.” At this point he locked eyes with Zach, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. You were planning on doing the same thing as back then right? Hide the fact you weren’t eating or drinking anything? Bring yourself enough pain to punish yourself for something?” He took in a shuddering breath, “Hope that this was the last time you could feel the pain?”

 At this Nicolaj turned around fast enough to see Zach finally crumble. It was like a switch was turned off and Zach just crumbled to the ground in shaking tears, arms wrapped around himself and fingers digging into his back. Jack made the motion to walk in and stop the scratching before he bled, but Nicolaj simply pushed him out of the room and locked the door. He picked up Zach’s crying face, the still surprisingly silent cries only solidifying the fact that this wasn’t the first time Zach has tried to hide his tears, and kissed him on the forehead. “I don’t hold this against you, you know, to hide this.” Zach’s eyes widened before scrambling backwards, crawling back until his back hit the wall and curled into himself again. “I don’t hate you for hiding this or acting like there is nothing going on.” He flinched at the quiet keening noise that started to come from the crying shaking boy, but he didn’t hesitate in crawling forward and pulling the boy into his arms. “I just wished you didn’t think I could do nothing to help you.”

 It was like kissing a pillow. A very limp, very wet pillow. Usually Zach took the more emotionally dominating role in the relationship, steering Nicolaj away from too much brooding and more into the happy light. This time… this time Nicolaj barely even had to think before manhandling the limp lump of despair onto the bed and into his chest. The crying returned to be silent, something Nicolaj thought was a very bad sign, so Nicolaj took the two shaking hands that still reached for his skin to scratch and bring punishment and started humming a Danish lullaby that his mom used to sing him when he was beyond understanding anything as a kid. The crying turned into sniffles perhaps the third or fourth time around the song.  

 Why are you here. With nothing.

 When the sniffles didn’t stop, Nicolaj took a deep breath and hesitantly started singing the words.

 Why can’t any of you let me be nothing.

 When the hands stopped reaching for more pain, Nicolaj released one hand and started rubbing the bare, raw back of the ADC, slowly petting away the harsh lines as the Danish words he hasn’t sung in a long, long time grew more and more confident. Zach’s breathing started to even out the longer Nicolaj sang and pet him. Eventually, it was just Nicolaj’s strong, soft singing and hands rubbing his back and holding his head.

 Zach just turned his head and laid his ear against the midlaner’s chest. The song turned back into quiet humming again as the hands slowly stopped petting and started to just rest like a comforting blanket around him, and like a baby finally being held after crying on the floor for what seemed like too long, Zach felt sleep swaddling his consciousness.

 “I’m sorry.”

 “For what?”

 For not leaving. For not thinking I was nothing. For being something.

 “For all of it.”

[withouttwin-blog]

Something Something

          When the words “defeat” floated across the screen, it was like Zachary “Sneaky” Scuderi couldn’t breathe. The roars of the crowd and the voices in the comms just went to silence around him, surrounding him in this blanket of familiar uncomfortable disappointment for a brief moment before all of the little details came rushing back to him. Nicolaj ran his hand through his hair while Juan looked very much like the inexperienced teenager he is. With a sigh, Zach leaned forward, shook his hair into place after taking off his headset, and stood up, eyes coming back into cool indifference and face sliding into appropriate sorrow.

          When they walked off stage, his hands found Nicolaj’s shoulders easily, leaving his warm hands on the thin boy in an effort of comfort, trying to forget the disaster that happened on stage, and just breathe. Zach isn’t even sure if he can understand the words Reapered and the others are saying, but years of practice made it so he knew what the words meant and nodded appropriately. He smiled at Andy who was trying cheer up Juan and nodded at Eon-young and Repeared who were having some conversation in Korean. Nicolaj just stared at his phone, the only sign he was upset being the constant pressure of his arm pressing against Zach’s body. Zach wanted to stay, but the silence was getting to the point of being overwhelming, like the walls were pressing in and Nicolaj’s comfortable pressure was slowly turning unbearable. He glanced at the clock, did some quick mental math, and figured that the bathrooms were empty enough at this point in time.

          So like always, he just kissed Nicolaj lightly on the head and hoped he said something along the lines of going to the bathroom.

 It’s not like it’s that much different,

Staring at the mirror in the empty bathroom.

Juan already broken, and Nicolaj

already heading towards the cold fire inside.

I can’t stay in that blanket of silence,

I need to be not empty,

Need to be warm and toasty,

But I’m only warm after my nails dig into my skin,

Into my belly and back that is hidden by the jersey,

Into my legs that are hidden by my pants.

Under my own name I’m being very sneaky,

Look alive, look alive.

            Nicolaj’s face always lights up a little bit more when there’s fans desperately calling his name, hoping to shake hands with him, hoping to give the gifts they’ve carefully curated and made. His eyes dance with mirth when he turns to look at Zach, but he has known Zach long enough to see that flash of despair and has known Zach long enough to sometimes know when his face is a mask versus when his face is genuine. He turns to see a girl shove a bag into his hands with her friend dragging Zach closer, reaches in to pull out plushies of them two. Maybe he gripped Zach’s arm too tightly, but he forces him to smile for a picture of them with the gifts; and maybe he acted oblivious to Zach’s look of anger, but he forces himself to not be swayed and forces himself to be a good (not officially public) boyfriend for Zach.

          The bus ride back to the hotel was painfully quiet as all the members just sat there and turned to the passing city to hold themselves together just a little bit longer.

          When they get back to the room, Nicolaj can see Zach twitch towards the bed to probably just sleep everything off and ignore Nicolaj again, act like he couldn’t see the pain that the other was hiding. So he grabbed Zach’s arm and turned him around and fought with his words about how he doesn’t have to hide how devasted he is by the loss.

          But he didn’t expect Zach to fight back with how he doesn’t have to care and it isn’t a big deal and that he will be okay. But he didn’t expect to hear hurtful words hurled back at him and, as much as he knows it’s how Zach copes, he can’t help but feel those words add fuel to the cold fire burning inside, so he leaves the room with a slam and goes to talk to Andy for a bit.

          And Zach just sits back onto the bead, his head heavy in his own hands as he fights the urge to dig his nails in deeper into his skin. He knows he can’t relish in the pain without risking Nicolaj finding little red lines all over his body trying to stitch his broken self together.  

          So instead he spends the next ten minutes pushing the two beds together and making all the sheets fall perfectly. The bruise that might have formed on his side by the time Nicolaj came back was obviously accidental and couldn’t he see that I was trying to do something nice, I’m so sorry for exploding.

 I can t feel them

but it doesn t matter I am

but a happy little fire afloat in the sea

I m always alone

and they can never know

I m always alone

with nothing but the pain

as it glides across my skin

            When they wake up in the morning it is very clear that the tension between the two of them hasn’t been cleared up and it is very very clear to the rest of the team that something drastic happened to them. Jack went to go talk to them, but Andy just stops him knowing that there is very little that Jack could do to help them in this. Jack looks mournfully on, but as a married man he knows these things need to be worked through on their own if they are to survive.

          He just couldn’t help but feel like there’s something more to this than a stupid lover’s spat.

          The rest of the team sighed a bit of relief when the two of them are engaged in some very clearly make-up kissing at the end of breakfast. Even innocent little Juan was unnerved by the amount of deadly silence between the two and they all shared a little humorous look between all of them on how their tension always resulted in them making out in public. It’s a wonder after all how they’ve gone this far without being discovered by the fans. Andy might have laughed a little too loudly when Robin went up to their table unnoticed and grabbed the back of their heads and pushed them together even harder.

          The little giggles made the long plane flight home a little easier.

          Then it’s just Zach and Nicolaj again in LA. As much as they felt as if their problems were generally cleared up, Nicolaj still mentions how he wished Zach would open up more after their good-bye kiss. He doesn’t hear Zach’s little internal voice ranting about how of course he can’t tell his beloved Nicolaj about how the emptiness eats him away inside and how after every loss and even sometimes after victories the little darkness creeps up and claws at his skin demanding to be traced demanding to be marked to remind myself of how the emptiness will never leave and how the loneliness will never fade no matter how much you love me and how much you care for me and how much you know of me. He doesn’t hear Zach’s little internal voice crying about how I would only drag you down with the amount of self-hate and emptiness and I can’t do that to you you’re too sweet and caring and beautiful to even taint with the shadows in my life and even if I refuse to let you know of this pressing guilt and grief I am okay with just having you on my side.

          But Nicolaj doesn’t hear that, and while he might have noticed a little trace of something flicker in Zach’s eyes, he believes the words Zach says he will try harder to open up more and that he loves me very much and he just isn’t feeling well probably from the long plane flight. Nicolaj simply glides his thin fingers down Zach’s face, gives him one more quick kiss on the lips and then on the cheeks and then slowly on top of his head, and tells him he will text Zach when he lands back in his mother country.  

          Zach just leans into the touch and closes his eyes through the kisses and nods with the mention of the text, of the little bubble that rises in his chest with how affectionate Nicolaj really is; and when he watches Nicolaj walk into the terminal for international flights, that bubble of joy bursts as spears of darkness whisper that Nicolaj doesn’t love him enough to stay one night in LA with him before flying away back to a country that Zach couldn’t even communicate with if he wanted to. And those spears puncture his poor beaten heart thoroughly, so he just goes home, walks into his room, and runs his nails deep into the skin of his body easily hidden by his clothing. Zach knows he can’t break the skin, but the self-torture of not eating and not drinking and repeatedly digging into his skin is enough to welcome the dark dark corners clawing themselves into his vision.

          Zach isn’t even sure if he would wake up this time.

          But he wonders what will happen first: him getting up or someone actually coming to find him.

  it s lonely  

so dark so empty so something

something i m so tired something

something something notice me something something

   Jensen-daddy: Finally landed home :)

  Jensen-daddy: You there?

  Jensen-daddy: You okay?

  Jensen-daddy: Zach?