worry-s

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I want to bludgeon myself to death

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My best life that i can envision for myself is one where I always have food, and have time for my art. Thats really all it takes for me to be happy. And yet, here I am hungry and miserable with 0 time to finish drawings

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I'm so worried about my partner... they have been talking a lot about how they wish they didn't have a sense of taste so they wouldn't feel the need to eat and how they almost wish they developed an eating disorder so they could lose weight and i don't know how to coax them out of that kind of thinking since its such a slippery slope... I've told them its much healthier to be overweight and be getting enough fuel for your body than it is to eat the bare minimum. Also that healthy food doesn't inherently taste Bad and that they can become healthier over time even without losing weight. they have such bad health anxiety that tells them being fat will make them die, or worse (to them that is) that they'll become disabled because they already have pain due to their extra weight. They dont eat dinner with me anymore and have expressed that they should have killed themself years ago and I'm just so scared i have no idea if there's anything I can do besides be there and encourage them to talk about their relationship with food and their health anxiety in therapy.

Anyways Fuck fatphobia in healthcare and fuck the diet industry and fuck ablesim and Fuck the the whole fucking world i just want to be Fucking happy with the love of my life

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I feel like my whole life i have felt joy despite adversity and been proud of it. I felt strong and capable and like I was Going somewhere, making myself better and overcoming my obstacles. Now that I am 80-90% of the way healed though... I just feel pointless. Adrift even. I feel like if theres nothing to overcoming I'm doing something wrong or worse, simply not doing anything. Like a fish who's been battling river currents all its life just to wind up in a pond. I am Happy all things considered, my needs are being met and I am no longer alone nor constantly spent but idk. Life just feels Empty now. Like its not real anymore.

Not to mention that i never imagined this to be where I wind up. I do the same job everyday, live in an overpriced apartment with my partner, and have 2 friends i get to see every weekend. It just feels so fake. Like a simulation. I wanna feel real i want my Life to feel impactful but nothing can meet the epic highs and lows of living with ptsd while still in an abuse cycle. I was like that so long that thats the only life i Know. How can i reconcile my reality with what I've felt before.

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Everyone's obsessed with all the bad in the world, the tragedy and the hurt and everything else. Even if we live like we aren't we are. We can't escape it it constantly hums in the background even if you try to escape it. The news on tvs left on in a restaurant, the odd headline that makes it on to your carefully curated timeline, a trending hashtag that you can't ignore since people begin talking about it in the break room. We are obsessed but can't do anything about it and it makes us mentally ill.

Anxiety, depression, abuse and trauma all have their root in cognitive dissonance. We can't reconcile the world we want to live in and our obsessions. We are not meant to know this much but we crave it all the same and it makes us worse. We keep spinning in denial and anger and hoplessness. I just hope if we hit the bottom that something will shift

[worry-s]

Time for a new way to use this pit of a blog: things to talk abt at therapy

Being raped and abused as a child while not knowing anything about sexuality at All because of the church warped my entire being. They taught me to always obey my parents and that i was perfectly innocent. Also that I should protect my innocence and not go looking into anything like that.ni didnt get to know what my provates were I'm fairly certain i didnt even know they existed for a Long time since i didn't even wipe myself or bathe myself until i was like 8. My body was my parents and grandparents property because i was goven to them so it wasn't bad beyond it hurting when my father did that to me. I have no actual sex drive because of this i have to go seeking stimuli to feel anything and even then i dont think i can say ive ever orgasmed. Actual sex does very little for me as well both portrayed and expirienced. It hurts to penetrate and another person touching my clit is Weird and doesn't even feel like much. I enjoy the expirience with my partner but thats that. Most of what does anything for me is sexless fetish content and by feeding into that and seeking it out i worry sex wont ever have an appeal to me. My mom was shocked when i said id never masturbated at 16 years old and it pissed me off cause why would i have? Vetween you not letting me close my door and the church saying its a sin and my general aversion to it due to my trauma why Would i

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I just can't anymore.... this fucking world isn't worth the effort. People are just willing to make up excuses for every terrible thing cause they can't handle the changes theyd have to make. Direct enrrgy weapons are theoretical at best, the island had plenty of fucking fire fighters and hydrants this is Just what climated change fucking looks like. By the time we realize it it'll be too fucking late to save ourselves. Hopefully i can derive as much pleasure out of the rest of that time that i can

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I don't know what to Do these days... I feel like I'm on a little row boat filled with cracks and holes that I've fixed with duct tape and frequent bailing but every time I go to counselling and i talk about it they tell me I'm right for patching my ship and worki g so hard at keeping it afloat. that theyre So Proud of me. And i want to Scream my lungs out because its Exaughsting but at the same time its cemented my belief that this is As good as it gets and i should just keep throwing myself best I can at my tasks. Besides it Does work. My little dance is one that is Well rehearsed to the point if i flub a step i dont even think about it and keep going. Not every day is perfect but i can keep on.

But i have so many new holes im discovering and my tape will Not hold forever and when I'm especially bored alone with my thoughts I'll start peeling away the edges. What if I did die when i was a girl what if my trauma Did make me trans What If My Whole Life Is A Lie. And I've talked about it in counselling before and Never had anyone challenge me on my Dont think about it cause im here now stance so i Dont. I Suffer and hate myself is ways that don't make sense because as wveryone tells me I'm successful right? I have a good paying union job and a partner who thinks im good and a family who loves me and a place to rent that i secured myself. Damn 24 and all that? You're living it up! But i Am Not! I am Festering in my fucking mental anguosh and every time i push it away it comes back stronger than I could ever imagine prior and knocks me on my ass. Fuck sometimes i wish i was seriously suicidal and didmt strive for anything this is Too Much Work

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Its so hard to keep striving for things when everyday i wake up and i like how the world is a little less

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What happens when we cant afford anything and are too broken to be useful? Well we just get thrown out fucking canada even has the tools for us to stop being alive now they actively encourage us to Die if they cant use us. Im tired i want to die vut i dont want to let them win but i cant fight i feel like im being torn to fucki g shreds why is this world like this

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We're so fucking tired and used theyve been able to strip all of what makes us human away they have capitalized on our exaughstion and lack of free time to take what little art we create thats why AI is so popular even in legitimate work places thats why you cant get a job doing what you love you have to be under a company who can squeeze you dry fuck this fuck everytging theres nothing i can do theres no one i can punch theres no way out of this fucking hell hole of a life anything i do will only be met with a stone cold reality check that im not vuable and my story is worthless beyond being inspiration porn to trap other dumb fucking suckers in this system who would otherwise have an easy out and i refuse to do that. This shot doesnt get better and it makes me vomit to think i Everfucki g said that this glass celing looked so high up when i started but now it is Crushing me

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This world hates us but im too tired to meet it back with hate anymore what is there to do but lay down with a wimper and let myself be ground to paste

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Theres nothingbleft for anyone my generation and younger and we all want to die or kill others but theres so many hard wood and stone walls around that we cant make our constraints any less theres no future as we are i cant make a life worth living for me and my loved ones i cant make anything better im not enough i fail

I HATE THIS WORLD I HARE THIS WORLD I HATE THIS WORLD WHY CANT WE ALL BE NICE AND NUTURE OUR SPECUES AND CELEBRATE OUR TIME ON THIS PLANET WHY DO WE HATE EACH OTHER AND MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR OTHERSTO GET AHEAD WHY CANT PEOPLE MAKE THE WORLD WORTH INVESTING IN THIS IS WHY WE ALL DIE AND HATE PURSELVES AND RUIN COMMUNITIES AND VOMMUNAL SPACES WE HAVE SO MUCH HATE WE HAVE TO OUTLET IT SOMEWHERE

[worry-s]

I HATE THIS WORLD I HARE THIS WORLD I HATE THIS WORLD WHY CANT WE ALL BE NICE AND NUTURE OUR SPECUES AND CELEBRATE OUR TIME ON THIS PLANET WHY DO WE HATE EACH OTHER AND MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR OTHERSTO GET AHEAD WHY CANT PEOPLE MAKE THE WORLD WORTH INVESTING IN THIS IS WHY WE ALL DIE AND HATE PURSELVES AND RUIN COMMUNITIES AND VOMMUNAL SPACES WE HAVE SO MUCH HATE WE HAVE TO OUTLET IT SOMEWHERE

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Fuck i hate morality and virtue signalling and infighting. Everyone wants to be in the right wo bad they fall for stupid tactics that keep us distracted from making real change and coming together. Everyone knows numbers are what wins the day but everyone would rather pay attention to the walls between where we stand. I wanna Yell and shake everyones shoulds screaming that they dont get it we want the same things but they'd rather pull hairs around pronouns and art and every little thing that doesn't matter.. its hopeless theyve Won we are never gonna better society we are just gonna keep going down this path bickering with eachother until the world kills us all

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I really feel like im living in the end times. Not apocalyptically but in the the whole world is degrading and wont exist as i was promised way. Im scared and tired and anxious and i fucking don't want to be here anymore. Even the good parts are so fleeting. Nothing feels worth the effort. Its easiest to just lay on my back and floating, give up treading water let alone swimming forwards

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Somedays i feel the weight of all the people I've let down, all of them i stopped contacting. I don't have a reason for it its not like ai didn't enjoy their company but. When push comes to shove it seems it was too much effort to try and keep them arou d.... i wonder what they think of me now. I hope they don't hate me but i guess they have every reason to.. i wish maintaing relationships wasn't just a list of checks i have to meet why do some people find it ao Easy