wowwildlife-blog

[wowwildlife-blog]

The Zoology of Mages

(Disclaimer: Blink, Blink; English isn’t my first language; as always read this with the voice of John Cleese, David Attenborough or Morgan Freeman)

About the project: These articles aim to gather all relevant information about the Azeroth wildlife since the release of WoW. Each class will be analysed and characterised in a mocking review.

Introduction

Mages are the typical caster race in Azeroth. Through the whole evolutionary process they developed quite a few specific habits, which will be covered in this article.

General overview and characterisation

The Magus princeps corydon is a family of light-armoured caster creatures that populate all regions of Azeroth. Generally speaking, it is safe to say that Mages are the most controversial class, as they are equally loved (by the Devs) and hated (by everybody else).

Mage social behaviour and culture

These little critters have a quite nervous personality, which manifests itself in constant blinking. They also have an advanced social system, as they tend to share ‘Cookies’, ‘Bread’ or ‘Cake’ with their fellow players. Sometimes this relationship can get abusive as larger groups reduce them to this activity (see ‘LOL mage, CAKE ffs’).

An experienced Mage watcher can hear their mating calls in the urban areas of Azeroth, usually a distinctive “PORTAL X AMOUNT OF G’ screech.

Although Mages get along well with other classes, territorial aggression among Mage specs (see ‘Interclass-Racism’) is prevalent. It’s not advised to hold two different Mage specs in one raid (especially Frost Mages, see ‘OP entitlement’).

Event though Mage specs may vary in efficiency – they all perform decent. This is a result of constant given preference by the Dev-olution (See Natural Blizzard Selection)

Early Mage evolution:

Magus princeps corydon vanilla

As the first Mages started to show up in the depths of the Molten Core (and BWL), natural selection determined the whole race to go Frost (see ‘Fire Resistance’). This ancient predecessor spent mostly its lifetime spamming ‘Frost Bolt’ or ‘Blizzard’ on occasion.

Other specialisations in early Vanilla:

At first, the whole race mutated as ‘Frost-only’ while its Fire/Arcane capabilities nearly degenerated to supportive subsystems. Later on (AQ Mesozoic), Fire reached a developed state but was quickly dominated by the great ‘Magepatch’, which turned the whole gene pool to 17/31/3. Nothing more to add because only Mages care.

Newer Mage evolution:

Magus princeps frostus

The dreaded predator of the PVP landscape. Technically it’s not a real predator as it constantly escapes its targets, wearing them down in a very long and annoying fight. Although the ‘Frostus’ primarily deals frost damage, flames in the chat box are a common by-product.

Frost mages were usually found in the wilderness of random BGs and Arena comps in every bracket, causing experienced opponents to sigh once they see them pop up in the enemy team interface. But now in Legion, they also show up in raid environments causing other Mage specs to sigh because of their superior dps.

All other Mage specs hate Frost Mages.

Magus princeps fire ballus

The so-called ‘Fire Mage’ is a special species among mages. Once reigning supreme over the other specs, they've lost their dominance over the course of the Legion invasion. They now have a good mix of CC, mobility, automatic cleave and crappy ST damage. They also have bad breath.

Fire Mages hate Frost mages.

Magus princeps Arkanus

The red-headed step-child sub species in Legion is the so-called ‘Arkanus’. While it sister specimen already found their niche, the ‘Arkanus’ seems to roam between PVE and PVP landscapes, desperate to find its purpose.

Because the ‘Arkanus’ is often the subject of class-racism, it developed the ability to go invisible. If you hold your breath, you can hear a hiding Arcane Mage cry.

Everybody hates Arcane Mages.

[wowwildlife-blog]

The Zoology of Paladins

(Disclaimer: Gotta love Paladins; English isn’t my first language; as always read this with the voice of John Cleese, David Attenborough or Morgan Freeman)

About the project:

These articles aim to gather all relevant information about the Azeroth wildlife. Each class will be analysed and characterised in a mocking review.

Introduction

The Paladin is one of the oldest classes in Azeroth. These shiny creatures populated nearly all regions of the world and thus have a quite interesting history.

General overview and characterisation:

The family of the Paladin (Paladini Familia) are quite visual beings, easily recognisable in the wild because of constant shiny effects surrounding them, even when poking their nose.

Paladin social behaviour and culture

These sparky individuals are quite socially active, ranging from large herds to single dominant beings shouting at other animals (e.g. raid leader).

Paladins get along very well with nearly every other class in the wild because of their helpful nature. Often you can encounter a Paladin in the open world, befriending other faction players with spells. Paladins are very slow creatures that lack any kind of notable mobility. Yet, if threatened, a Paladin will usually escape a predator of the upper food chain with ‘Bubblehearth’, quickly disappearing and returning safely to their nest.

Early Paladin evolution:

Paladini buffbottu vanilla

The first Paladin species in Azeroth found a niche early. Just like Pilot Fishes, this variation had a symbiotic relationship with all other large class herds. Usually they remained in a subconscious state while mindlessly following the raid, only waking up to occasionally buff their partners once Blessing of Might/Wisdom/Kings expired. It just had one additional evolutionary stage due to developing an mutation (addon), the 'PallyPowerus' which even more reduced its brain activity.

Other specialisations in early Vanilla:

The early predecessors of the ‘Prot’ and ‘Ret’ struggled to find a niche, as the ‘Dev-olution’ didn’t equip them with a functioning toolkit. Therefore, these variations remained in an undeveloped state throughout the Vanilla Mesozoic. A notable mutation, called the 'Paladini Leeroyolo', was roaming the Upper Blackrock Spire but quickly went extinct due to lack of reason. Later on, in the TBC Mesozoic, fossils show that there was a mutation of the paladin, the 'Shockadin' specialised in turning all healing power into an offensive force while ignoring their fellow players in need for some *'muh holy shock deeps, muh vengin wrath'*. This was also found written on cave walls.

Newer Paladin evolution:

Paladini holyolo

The so-called ‘Holy Paladin’ is a peaceful sub species. It doesn’t kill anything but likely itself, standing next to their fellow players and the most deadly enemies in Azeroth (see ‘suicidal tendencies’). A ‘Holy Paladin’ that doesn’t stand in proximity to other beings feels punished and will like develop a depression if kept alone.

You can find a Paladini Holyolo in every large organized group in Azeroth as their symbiotic relationship dictates them to stay in a swarm or herd.

Paladini retributicci

The ‘Ret Paladin’ is a quite vicious and jugdmental mutation in the Paladini family. It has an impressive damage capability, which never gets to full use because a ‘Ret’ is more of a slow and static being, usually being kited around by other classes.

Somehow nature equipped them with loads of useful abilities that are sadly neglected by other group members or their fellow ‘LOLrets’. The ‘Ret Paladins’ are shy creatures, but every patch cycle they gather at the forum waterhole to collectively whine.

Paladini Tankadinus

The ‘Prot Paladin’ or more commonly known as the ‘Tankadin’ is a special variation in the family. It is a quite neatly creature as it tends to ‘consecrate’ its surrounding constantly. It also likes flashy stuff, that’s why it abandoned any concept of rotation to keep hitting every CD that is up (e.g. ‘myth of priority).

It managed to claim a steady spot in the food chain of tanks. Rumors suggest nature planned to give it a flying ability given the rudimentary vestigial wings, but its sheer mass of ego might be the reason why it was never able to take off.

[wowwildlife-blog]

The Zoology of Demon Hunters

(Disclaimer: I main a DH; English isn’t my first language; as always read this with the voice of John Cleese, David Attenborough or Morgan Freeman)

Introduction

This article was written to shed a light on the colourful diversity among the species Daemonium Venandi, commonly known as the Demon Hunter.

Daemonium Venandi Huntardus

The most common variation in the gene pool can be encountered all over Azeroth. It usually populates the open world or the LFR running or flying around in one place without any purpose, just like pigeons. This species is recognisable through its common title ‘Illidari’ or ‘Slayer’, followed by any abbreviation of the name Illidan.

Though being the most common sub species, it never really developed any kind of niche so most beings just get to the iLvl of 855 and then die.

Daemonium Venandi Cookiecutterus

The more developed kind of the Demon Hunter. Mostly remaining silent at day, it usually comes out every two minutes when its CD on Chaos Blades and Nemesis is ready which also results in an outcry of mating calls (usually via Recount reports in the chat).

The Cookiecutterus is very territorial, which means he doesn’t accept any other spec than his own to be around in a raid, forum or Dischord. Especially one competitor, which leads us to …

Daemonium Venandi Eyebeamus

The direct competitor in the habitat of the Cookiecutterus. It is a more specialised endemic version, usually roaming the lower valley of LFD and the high mountains of M+ burning everything in sight to ashes.

It is mostly peaceful in its own niche but tends to get into fights with the Cookiecutterus when trapped in the same forum. It’s not advised to hold both sub species in one raid.

Daemonium Venandi Momentum (Extinct)

An early predecessor of the actual species that went extinct at the end of Cænozoic of 7.1. Fossils suggest this variant was using Fel Rush und Retreat to wreak havoc on its prey.

There are some living fossils in form of alts or players unwilling to read guides. But these are very rare.

Daemonium Venandi Vengeanci

A rare breed amongst the Demon Hunters, shy beings which are only observed in instanced regions like dungeons and raids. Whilst growing up they face an extremely hostile environment of sneering players, so just a few of them survive and mature in raids and higher M+.

Sometimes, an experienced observer can hear them howling at night, when most of them are declined entering pugs.

[wowwildlife-blog]

The Zoology of Rogues

(Disclaimer: I love you, Rogues; English isn’t my first language; as always read this with the voice of John Cleese, David Attenborough or Morgan Freeman)

Introduction

Rogues have been around since the very beginning of WoW and their specimen gone through numerous mutations. This article focuses on the evolution of rogues. 

General overview and characterisation

The family of the Rogues (Perfide Familia) as a race share a common habitat, e.g. the shadows. Recent studies implied that a larger proportion of Rogue population now gathers in a new biological niche: the sewers1. Like familiar specimen (e.g. rats, insects, bacteria) Rogues also share a certain distain for light, decency and sharing loot2 .

1 This information has yet to be backed up as no expedition to the sewers returned alive.

2 See 'Hunters'

Rogue social behaviour and culture

Usually, Rogues are extremely sociopathic loners and only gather once in every patch cycle at full moon to ‘Theorycraft’.

This so-called ‘Theorycrafting’ serves to determine the hierarchy in the Rogue pack. Is one Rogue’s ‘Theorycraft’ dominant, this Rogue is considered the leader of the tribe, influencing the evolution of the whole generation of young Rogues until another Rogue’s ‘Theorycraft’ takes its place. ‘Theorycraft’ can be seen as a primal iteration of religion.

Rogues aren’t particularly hostile creatures but always look for an opportunity to deliver ‘Le Gank’, which is a knee-jerk reaction when encountering another player with low health or an <AFK> sign over their head.

They never engage in long-term relationships, as they tend to vanish once a fight doesn’t turn to their favour, leaving behind friends, family and vulnerable pets without any sign of regret.

Early Rogue evolution:

Perfide combatus vanilla

The first Rogue species that learned the ability to walk upright in early Azeroth. It specialised itself in a quite basic kind of rotation, just slicing, dicing and eviscerating its opponents until them or their prey eventually fall asleep (forever). It got angry when seeing red colours.

Often glorified as the most natural iteration of this species, the so-called ‘Combat Rogue’ survived an impressive amount of time given its lack of innovation. It went extinct when a large unpredictable Blizzard changed its DNA.

Other specialisations in early Vanilla:

Some studies suggested that there were other variations in that time frame. There are myths of rare vicious individuals roaming the Barrens, Hillsbrand and the Alterac Valley preying on low level characters, killing them with a single ambush (e.g. the ‘over 9000 Yeti’). Yet the sample size isn’t sufficient to confirm this theory.

Newer Rogue evolution:

Perfide outlawisa randomus

The successor of the ‘Perfide combatus vanilla’ was recently discovered on the broken shores. These weird mutated primates developed a habit of gambling, using random dice rolls as their sole basis of DPS, abandoning their primal religion ‘Theorycraft’ and converting to ‘RNGesuism’ .

Also, this sub species suffers from an identity crisis debuff (Piracy Complex) as its core mechanics were corrupted by the Legion (expansion). It is still dominant in certain territories like M+, feeding on large trash groups.

Perfide subletusy

The Sub sub species went through a lot of evolutionary stages in a short period of time, causing many mutations (e.g. ‘Magic’ or ‘Wet noodle backstab’). Generally speaking, the ‘Sub Rogue’ feeds of things that are unnecessarily complicated. A ‘Sub Rogue’ will not engage anything that isn’t at least considered ‘complex’.

Therefore, this species is quite rare and often found in its traditional territory, the battlegrounds and arenas of Azeroth. Some individuals try to invade the territories of the Outlawisa randomus and assasinae, but only if the balance patch weather is optimal.

Perfide assassinae

An older species which nearly achieved perfection in its core throughout the years. Lately, it occupies two niches: injecting poison and bleeding its target out. Something like a hybrid between a spider and an ex-wife.

You can find it in many areas of Azeroth but more often in the upper highlands of Skada and Recount (as long as there is no target switching) or in forums or sub-reddits3 posting the latter results to show others their dominance.

3 See ‘Triggered’