wrenchyyyy

[wrenchyyyy]

Leaving

It’s time

It’s time for me to move on.  My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go.  I will not be going back to tumblr .  Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it.  Twitter and snapchat.  I’ll stay on those.   Social Media is toxic.

Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know.  It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore.  I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say.  I know.

My depression is just something that just won’t go away.  It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017.  I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.  

“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000.  Family I keep saying it.  I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with.  It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are.  My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins.  They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them.  My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters.  I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me?   Who knows..  all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad.  They def don’t know I’m depressed.  They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.  

Friends wise I can’t deny.  I have friends in all stages of my life.  GSA, QP, and MSU.  But do I see them ?  no?  Do i connect with them on THAT level?  Sure.  Depending on the people.  In grammar school, I had John and Grace.  In Qp, I had Ade.  In college, I had Cassie.  THAT level.  I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.  

I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace.  Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did.  That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL.  John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard.  We can’t just meet up and talk.  Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU.  Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same.   She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.

Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me.  This devastated me more than even I knew.  I had to talk to Ade about this.  If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships.  Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest).  Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her.  The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao.  Really.   The crazy part now.  I am at ease with Ade.  We both matured.  She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is.  I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok.  It’s what I always wanted.  Any way back on point.

Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me.  The talks on family, life, careers, everything.  gone.  The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation.  I’m not entitled to know why she left.  I just have to accept it.  It’s true.  I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit.  I have to see it from her point of view.  She prob thought I was crazy lmfao.  but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone.  Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore.  Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media.  I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too.  Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao.  The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend.  She wasnt even my best friend tbh.  She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life.   Thank you Cassie.  I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt.   Also that she was a great friend to you.  

A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it.  Move on Chris.  The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore.  One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed”  which is crazy.  I don’t even talk to that girl.  I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it.  Irene i will forever be grateful for.  This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her.  It really helped me mentally with that trip.   Ade is ade.  She’s a good person.  She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.  

I guess it’s crazy how it works.  Ade helped me get through Grace.  Cassie helped me get through Ade.  Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie.  lmao .  In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore.   Irene is well Irene.  I fucking love that girl.  

The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich.  They moved away and it hurt me alot.  Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with.  It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff.  Again looking back, I just felt alone.  Sad.  and just depressed.  I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain.  It did not work.  I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.  

I always try to tell myself.  What do people see you as?  What do they see you doing?  Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.  

2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it.  I did alot of things I never thought I can do.  22/30 Baseball parks,  maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own.  Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise.  In 2019, I want to find purpose again.  I really do.  I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me.  Like Irene and Ade.  Like my GSA friend.  Like Kim and Jan and nick.  like I do have friends.  I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.

For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay.  You will survive.  That void hurts.  I get it.  As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad.  Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up.  I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it.  but if you don’t respond or answer.  I get it.   It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone.  My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces.  Any way.  

Farewell to anyone reading this.  If any one reads this.

[wrenchyyyy]

The best lessons I’ve ever learned came from the worst experiences in my life.

(via deeplifequotes)

[wrenchyyyy]

Make your happiness and personal growth a priority in your life. The more you take care of yourself, the more you can take care of others.

(via deeplifequotes)

[wrenchyyyy]

If someone isn’t available during your most crucial time, then their presence any other time is useless.

Unknown (via deeplifequotes)

[wrenchyyyy]

mercy looks like she’d treat me right.

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Samurai Warriors next to their Sengoku Basara counterparts

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A New Hobby

I finally found a new hobby. Mainly thanks to irene. Rock climbing. Its been helping me alot stress, anger, sadness all into one. I will go with the bad first. I hate that this is kinda a ego sport. What do i mean by that? People look at you. People show off. Its fucking intimitating. For me, ive always been alone. Like the do it and feel good about yourself even when no one looks. I have nothing to prove to them so why show off? I also dont like the fact that i suck compared to irene. I mean yea she started first but It sucks that she can do all the good ones and i know shes theres trying to support me but she can do more/better kinda thing. Like im bringing her down/slowing her progress. Maybe I am too hard on myself but Its always been how i feel about things in general. Idk lol. Shes a good friend who can tolerate it i guess. I also always felt rockclimbing was for fit tall people. Wrong. I was just scared in a sense me being skinny af wouldnt help but i was wrong. Now for the good. I am better when i am in a crowd of less people. Its been proven. Like today only irene looked at me. “Flashed” this problem as they call it and when people were like yeaa chris. Nope . Fell and i was like eff it. I just hate that “attention”. Never liked to be the flashy one but thats honestly just me. Humble yourself chris is what i always say. The only person ill brag to is irene. We have that type of friendship. Im so much more confortable being like fuckkk yesss to her than in front of a crowd. Idk lol im weird like that. But yes a good stress reliever. My body is used to it now so no more soreness. No more being tired once i get into it. And i think most important. No more depressing thoughts. Just me bettering myself but also me being happy for once. Irene doesnt know how much she helped lol. I been really sad and for good reason. But theres always a reason to keep going. Always. I will be really sad when irene leaves in the summer. I rly do believe that having that one friend just push u helps and she was that one friend for me. The great part is that she prob wont ever know which is fine. But i can honestly say its been a month since i started and i have gotten alot better. I was terrified to even step on the 2nd rock and i didnt know what the fuck belaying was. Its amazing how much stress its unloaded. Thanks irene. Ill be better than u one day... jk LOL

[wrenchyyyy]

Interviewer: Is there any other tool in your box that you would go to, that would help you?

[wrenchyyyy]

She definitely was my first girlcrush 😍

[wrenchyyyy]

I just can’t get enough of her. Plus 😍🔥

[wrenchyyyy]

:D

[wrenchyyyy]

My Vacation in LA

Where to begin....

1.)  I’ll begin with Grace.  I saw my best friend.  The very first person i considered best friend.  Grace showed me around almost all the hot spots in LA.  Her place was pretty chill but i think best of all ...We talked alot about life, where we are now, and the people in our lives and how much everyone has changed.  It was great seeing grace.  It was just like our 8 hour convos on the fone like old times.  I can’t honestly say Grace is my best friend now but she is and will always be important in my life.  Pick up ur dam fone nigga lmao.  I’ve accepted that things won’t be the way they were.  The whole i can talk to her whenever i want.  The whole i cant call her when im sad.  The whole deal of a “best friend”.  I’ve accepted it.  She’s still important to me tho.  I will always want Grace to do her thang which is really travel the world and be amazing at her career.

2.)  The ball parks.  SD, LA, LAA.  So very nice.  So stressfree. I loved Petco park.  so nice.  a park within the park.  Acutally in SD i got tacos with a high school friend Catalina and we caught up.  With the news of QP officially closing, i was quite bummed out but Catalina a prime example of how much i loved that school and how well i bonded with the people who went there.  We just talked about life.  we are qp <3.  LA is fun to.  Dodgers stadium was packed and amazing in terms of family and crowds.  Fuck their parking lot tho.  took me like 20 mins to find my car......urgh LAA was hilarious.  Me and irene got dooped for 10 dollar parking but the actual parking lot was 10 bucks so we essentially just walked a blocked lmao.  Her face when she saw the price of a jersey was priceless.  LMAO i love it.

3.) The trails.  I LOVED yosemite park and Sequoya.  So magical tbh .  Words cannot describe what i saw.  I also went to Joshua tree.  Amazing as well but not as great as the other two.  Yosemite was cold, had snow, and was my type of weather.  Joshua tree was too desserty for me.  Yosemite was also my first camp overnight type of deal.  It was so much fun.  Irene really did open a new world up to me and i really did have a blast and i fucking hate doing activities like that.  I wanna go back.  No...i will go back one day.

4.) Irene.  Irene.  Irene...lmao.  The reason this whole trip happened was because of her.  Her hospitality to let me stay at her place.  The fact that she literally set aside her time to hang out with me meant ALOT.  like any one who knows me, knows i don’t really go out of my way anymore to see if anyone wants to hang out bc i feeel like I’m just not good enough.  As soon as I landed, she scooped me up from LAX, God’s definition of traffic and hell on earth.  Plus 1 lmao.  If you’re gonna go thru traffic to get me, I love you lmao.  Our 6 hours plus car ride to yosemite and back was great for us bonding.  She taught me how to pump gas.  We learned how to use the 2017 pathfinder lmao.  Too advanced for me....Another thing that was a plus was she let me stay at her place for the trip plus she like showed me how to set up a tent and just bared with on our hikes.  I know and ive accepted that because of my back problems i cant do alot of fun physical activities like others can.  I know irene wanted to do harder trails i feel but she was like we can do the semi hard trails lmao.  I’m glad we did.  I actually killed the other ones without an issue after tbh haha. LONGEST 8 miles of my life........I can truly see her passion for hiking.  It’s freaking amazing and that’s how i feel when i like go to baseball games or like play videogames.  It’s awesome.  Another thing we did was of course get food.  She took me to the best hot pot place ever of all time.  (yes i said it) soooo gooooooooooooood.  lmao.  We also had a vegan wrap for the first time...it was interesting...lol.  This past week has been so great.  So stressfree...As i go to work tomorrow and cry lmao.  Irene is one of those friends to be thats not my best friend and i know im not hers but we are good friends.  True friends.  Real friends.  The type where if i asked her for something weird she’ll be like ok chris and won’t question it.  Or the type of friend where she understands my sarcasm even when i don’t try to do it.  I love that .  I really do.  I don’t have to talk to irene for like 6 months and when i see her , we can laugh because of dumb shit.   It’s crazy how much life has changed since ive known her and even thru it all, she’s honestly been a truer friend to me than like Grace has ( sorry girl its true lmao).  The funny part is that as i get older i keep saying this, I can see the real true friends from my friends.  and i can see the acquaintances from the friends.   I can’t thank her enough.  Thank you Irene.   i think i found a new hobbby

For my loyal followers lmfao, why am i writing this?  Because i never take a vacation and i never felt such happiness and stress-freeness from anything.  A big part of me learned how much i liked hiking and pushing my body and another part loves the friends that are true to me.  and show it.  Thank you Irene.  I fucking will never tell you but i love you friend lmao.  In all of my life, i honestly truly believe that i want a real true friend than a “Best” friend.  Irene is def top 2 by far.  I FUCKING LOVE THE HIKING STICK u showed me tricks for!!!!!! lmao  

[wrenchyyyy]

“I’d advise not getting killed by her - her sword traps the souls of its victims.“

[wrenchyyyy]

[wrenchyyyy]

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