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[writingbylupin]

i say i haven’t written in so long, but i just wrote a few days ago.

i guess what i mean is i don’t write about me anymore, i don’t know who i am. i don’t know what i want to be, i have people telling me i need to focus on my brain because i can’t do much with my body, i have people telling me i have time.

it doesn’t feel like it.

i hate getting older, no it’s not because of death, it’s because i have an expectation every year.

and every year it’s different.

i get that i don’t rhyme like other poets, i get that my format is different.

i’m different.

from the moment you look at me.

some days i hate that, some days i don’t mind it.

my mind changes everyday.

so how am i supposed to know the things people are asking me?

[writingbylupin]

i stare at the couple in front of me and wonder how it’s so easy.

so easy for them to hold hands and lean into each other, the boy kissing her shoulder as he mumbles something that makes her laugh.

you can tell, there’s no doubt, no fear of vulnerability in either of their eyes.

i watch, i make sure, when they look at each other all i see is adoration. a luring of wanting more time with the person.

and then i look at me.

i run if i have feelings for someone, or i lose them fast, the sick ache of knowing i have to be vulnerable.

for me feelings and love, relationships everything in that realm is an alien in my eyes. i don’t get how it’s so easy.

i’ve only liked two people long term and they cloud my thoughts, not because i’m stuck on them, but because i wonder what was it about them that made me not scared.

[writingbylupin]

Shit. I say as my friend tells me she feels unappreciated by me some days.

Shit. I say as I wonder how I’m going to react around her now that I know how she feels.

Shit. I say as I realize I have made her feel like a burden.

I didn’t mean to. I promise I didn’t. I just am trying to survive through my darker moments during the day and It makes me quiet.

But it makes me wonder why you aren’t you seeing that? Or why isn’t anyone.

Shit. I say noticing I am being noticed just in the wrong way.

[writingbylupin]

i imagine a life somewhere that’s not where i live in an apartment or maybe if im lucky a house with a roommate i completely trust and love. i have 2 cats a mainecoon and a black cat because they don’t get as much love as they truly should. i already have a published book working on my debut series or maybe my debut series is already out and im working on my second. i have a life i truly enjoy with actual friends that love me and think about me ahead of time in certain things and don’t treat me any different because of my body. i don’t care if i have a lover, i just hope to be at a calmness. i don’t need to be happy, but i hope to be okay.

[writingbylupin]

hi:) im moe or marin you can call me either, this is my writing blog that will have poetry. you can check out my main blog @marinlupin here i will write about anything that crosses my mind and that i can turn into poetry. bare with me since im a little rusty!